I look in the mirror.
I love the way my starved body looks now.
I love the way the bags under my eyes look,
after I haven't slept for weeks.
I love the way my chapped lips look
because I haven't had a sip of water today.
And I love the catches on my body,
from the blade I put to my skin.

You're not talking to me.
Avoiding me.
But the 5 second eye contact we had
felt like everything was back to normal.

I wish our story didn't end there.
Our story was never a book,
just a short story.
But hopefully we can write
a book full of our short stories.

I told him I write poetry.
He asked me if I'll write poems about him.
And I said, yes every time you break my heart.
"Well then I'll never break your heart"
That was a promise he never kept.

And it turns out
the butterflies in my stomach,
the ones you gave me,
were never a good sign.

Choose a color,
any color,
other than blue.
So you don't choose the same color
he once did.
So you don't choose the same color
that is his favorite.
So you don't choose the same color
as the boy who once hurt me so much.


Instead, you chose red.

To me, you're my everything.
But sometimes
I doubt if I'm even
anything to you.

I now draw black lines
on my arm.
instead drawing red lines
on my arm.
just because you needed
to care about me.

Everything about you
Makes me go crazy.
I want to talk to you.
But I can’t.
I don’t want to be disappointed by the words you have to say.

I'm going in circles.
I'm not getting answers.
Can't we just get along?
Can't we just give us a chance?
Even if we just have 2 months left?

you love me
you love me not
you love me
you love me not
you love me
you love me not

Why is everything about you?

You think you know someone
until
they do everything in their power
to prove you wrong.

Break my heart.
Break my heart.
Just so I can feel you
trying to fix it again.

Even with the terrible memories of you.
I will have a great life.
I just need to learn to love myself again.
Even with the thoughts of you.
In (not) loving memory of the unlovable self.

“it’s going to be ok”
right?
yea of course
that’s what they always say.
it’s a lie
just like when I text you
“I’m fine”
with tears in my eyes
while my skin burns with
all the “cat scratches”

Love me like the world is ending.
Love me like the world won’t last.
Love me like the world is dying.
But you never did.
You never loved me.

Drain my feelings into the night sky,
where only the stars can hear.
Suffocate my thoughts with
the fresh midnight air.
The only light that reaches my tears
is the moonlight.
But I still only want you here
listening to everything I have to say.

What do you want?
Friends?
More than friends?
A lot more than friends?
I lie through my teeth;
just more than friends.

Take my body and undo the damage
I've done to myself.
Please let me love myself
like you once pretended to do.

You used to be my everything.
Now we can't even be in the same room.
You can't even look at me.
Yet all I want to do,
is stare at you.
Talk to you till the sunrises.
And never forget you.

The happy ending
I always deserved
but never got.

You’re bad for my mental health.
And that’s all I can say.

I remember exactly what you said time that night.
You let my scars define me.
You,
the one person I thought knew I am more,
let my scars define me.
And I was so stupid to believe you

Not another boy.
Not another boy with blond hair.
Not another boy with blue eyes.
Not another tall boy.
Not another boy,
you have no chance with.

You neglected
the flowers that once
grew so high and so beautiful to
tend the weeds
growing in our garden,
while I was alone trying
to fix the flowers we grew together.

Don't call me perfect while you're
still in love with her.
You called me perfect.
And then told me you loved her.
How could I be perfect if I'm not her?
The perfect not her?

Don't you notice?
Notice the damage you've done.
While you're not even mine.
I've given you too much power.
But I don't know to get it back.

I kiss your lips.
I kiss your neck.
I look in your eyes.
You wrap your arms around me.
And pull me in.
When I wake up you're gone again.

And with just a simple text,
You planted a smile on my face
With which I fell asleep with.

I don’t have feelings for you.
*I do though

Some things can't be fixed
with tape and glue.
Some things can't be fixed.
Some things will always
stay broken.

you're my stone house.
No matter how much I
huff and puff
you'll continue to stand there
always welcoming me in.

I'm slowly killing myself
trying to get to you.
With each text, I send
with each story, I hope you reply to.
But you never do.

The ball is in your court.
Will you hit it back?
Or
will you pick the ball up
and walk off the court?

Guess I never meant enough to you.
Guess you never cared enough about me.
Guess you never liked me enough.
Guess I was never enough for you.

And the stars started to giggle
as I told them more
about you.
They seemed happy to hear
how happy you make me.
While the moon listened
as I smiled thinking of you.

You know when you see them as the person they once were.
Even when they have changed so far,
that they'll never be that person again.
Yet you,
you can't get rid of the feeling of seeing the old them
in the new them,
you can't get rid of the feeling of still loving them,
even if you still only love the old them.

With every text, I received from you
a feeling of anxiety came with it.
I was scared.
Every time, I was so scared you would end it.
Until you did end it,
and I had never felt happier.

You kiss the sports
with the fresh scars.
Though you don't know about them,
you kiss them ever so gently.

He can't even look me in the eye.
He won't even look at me.
He sits there,
5 inches away from me.
Talking to everyone around me.
And he can't even look at me.
Like he doesn't even know me.
Like we are strangers with a history.

it's a blade for you
but it's habit to me.
it's a blood for you
but it's craving to me.
it's a bottle for you
but it's an addiction to me.
it's a scar for you
but it's a desire to me.

you see how we're different yet?

I feel hopeless thinking of you.
you just quit trying.
you just quit me.
and for what?
for what?
I don't even know.
And I hope I never will.

You liked that I was different,
But then you left me for the most ordinary girl.
I guess I was just too different for you.
I wish I was ordinary.

And once again all my happiness
relies on you.
You have all the power to break me.
And once you do it,
I hope you build me up
and do it all over.

I am the best at making you laugh.
You can't admit it.
The way you smile.
It's a different smile.
The way you laugh.
It's a different laugh.
But now you can't even look at me.

And all I can think about is:
If she makes you laugh like I once did?

Your name is like poison.
I see it, the memories come back.
I hear it, the pain comes back.
I say it the love comes back.
Your name is a curse on me.