Today I am sad
Today I am giving up on you
Today I'm going to leave
Because I realized I'm still in love with someone else
And he likes you
And the jealousy that burns inside of me
makes me not want to be near you
I'm sorry
But I have to go
I hope you understand

In the end,
I'm still alone.

hello
how are you?
i'm a little tired
and it doesn't hurt
too much anymore
that's good
that's really good
yeah
the pain has subsided
but only a little
that's good
that's really good
is that all
you're going to say?
yeah
yeah it is
only because
it is good
but i'm still in pain
yeah but it's better
right?
not too much
but still better?
yeah
it's better
that's good
that's really good
yeah
it is

(if only it were the truth)

I know it hurts
It hurts
It hurts
But there's still hope left
I know you can't see it
But it's there
It's there
It's there
Just keep breathing, love.
I know your lungs hurt from all this extra work
But they're still working
Keep breathing
Keep breathing
I know you're in so much pain
I know you don't want to see another day
But the sun is waiting to see you each morning
And someone really cares about you
Even if it doesn't feel like it
They care
They care
They care
I know you just want to sleep
And stay there as long as possible
But you still have to get up
That's just the way it is

i waited
and waited
and waited
for you
to show up
and hold me again
like you did
back then
and it took time
but you came back
and you kissed
my lips
and put your
hands on my hips
and said you loved me
again
i waited
so very long
to hear that
flow out of your mouth
once more
i thought i would
never have that gift again
but i did
patience was never
a strong trait of mine
but i waited
and waited
and now you're mine

i'm kind of just breathing at this point
just breathing
just moving
just existing
not even living
i'm not even living anymore
i'm so tired
and nothing feels good anymore
what a way to be alive

I love you
You kept kissing me this morning
My neck, my cheek, my head
But not my lips
Not yet
You say we're just friends
And we are
But with benefits
Is that crazy?
I shouldn't do that, right?
Well, I'm sorry
But you're the only person I can feel love for
I'm stuck
I never understood that before
Being stuck in love
But now I know
I'm stuck in love
I'm actually and literally stuck
I can't feel love for anyone else
But I'm content
I'm okay where I am at
I have your number again
And I can call you again
And I asked you to go to homecoming with me
And you said you didn't plan on going
But you'd consider it for me
You held me all this morning
And told me you could fall asleep right there
I could too
And you told me you wanted to go home and sleep
And I made a joke and asked, "Can I join?"
And you said, "Yes, but we won't be sleeping."
You make those jokes all the time
But it doesn't bother me
I feel like you still want me
Am I wrong?
We're taking it slow, I guess.
Maybe it will progress into something more
Who knows?
But you're the only one I can love right now
So please don't leave me lonely.
I love you.

what do you plan on doing?
staying with me forever
or leaving me alone?
it's one or the other

(please choose the first one)

looking back over my poems
and seeing mistakes i've made in them
sorry
but my mind had been gone for awhile
and i'm honestly surprised to see how many times
i added in words that weren't supposed to be there
i didn't even realize
which shows my mind keeps running off
and it's not staying in the place it needs to be
this is what my pain does to me

lately i've been wanting someone
to just punch me
hit me across the face as hard as they possibly can
make me bleed
make me bruise
make me hurt
don't ask why
i don't really know
but i think it's because i want to numb the pain inside me
with something like that
and if someone else is doing it
then it's not self harm right?

i've been thinking for awhile now
im not really sure what i feel anymore
do i even feel anything at all?
my heart is as bare as a cloudless sky
there's nothing else there
i still love you
trust me, i do
but to feel anything else
is unfathomable for now
i don't know where my emotions have run off to

A hopeless romantic
afraid of love.
How can this be?

Nature used to make me happy
I was sitting there in the grass
The sun shining on me
Making my skin warm and my hair shine
I watched insects make circles around plants
and I watched a baby mouse run through the yard
When do you get to see that?
A baby mouse in the yard the same time you're there
That's the kind of thing that make me happy
The little things like that
And I love the sun
The sun is my best friend
It's inside me
I think the sun is burning out
That is so unfathomable, right?
The sun burning out
Well, now you know what it's like to be me
The word "depression" was banned from this dictionary long ago
I replaced it with happiness
But I think someone is trying to put it in again
I used to feel at peace with myself
when I'm sitting in a place like that
And I was
I was at peace
But this time there was a bit of pain hidden underneath
I could feel it
Where did it come from?
It's not supposed to be this way
I can't go through this again
I don't know what's wrong
I don't think I'm strong enough to fight this right now
Oh God help me

in the face of danger
the only thing i think about is you
and what i never say to you
and how i should say them
i love you so much
and
and i want you for the rest of my life
but you already know that, don't you?

I'm a mess
A big ******* mess
There is so much debris scattered around me
from the countless thunderstorms that have rattled my bones
and shattered my heart to nothing
I'm sorry it's not all cleaned up yet
But I'll try to make it look decent for you
I'll try to clean it up
And put the bad thoughts in boxes and send them away
I'll try to depart with my demons
But it's hard
Very hard
I'll try to send away the people that just bring their debris and dump it around me
So I won't have to deal with everybody else's problems too
I'll try to clear up my head
And I'll try to forget about this mess
But it's right here
And it's not going away
At least for the time being
And I can change
And I can put on a pretty face
And I can play my part in this love game
But sometimes
All I really want
Is for someone to wrap their arms around my broken body
and tell me
"I want to love your mess."

i'm always so scared of ruining everything
i think i just need to keep my mouth shut

here's to people like me
the ones that question everything
like why do you love me? there's nothing great at all
i'm just plain me

the ones that cry in school bathroom stalls
because they have nowhere else to go and hide at all
they can't cry at home because then someone would know
and because no one at school gives a **** if you're about to fall apart

the ones that still dream of hurting themselves
but don't because they're so tired of hurting everyone else
so they put themselves down instead
because that's a form of self-harm, isn't it?

the ones that find love but are too scared to get close
for fear that they will lose every one of their hopes
and you know what, why not just jump right into it?
you're so used to everyone leaving and always tearing you apart

the ones that panic in a crowded room
because they feel like everyone is judging everything they do
and don't look them in the eyes
they don't even like you

the ones that dream of things far away
so out of reach but keeps the pain at bay
and i've only had one dream recently
and it's that you will stay

the ones that get jealous of their love's past relationships
because you loved them enough to do everything with
and maybe i'm not as good as them
so you're probably thinking of them as you're kissing my lips

the ones that have battle scars on their arms
and that's not something you can compare to the stars
it's all broken glass and heartbreak
not something worthy of being called art

the ones that push people away before you get too attached
because once they leave it is hard to detach
so stay in one place until they leave you alone
because it's just easier not to push too fast

the ones that destroy themselves when they're hurt
because i must have done something wrong and that's what i deserve
so you put yourself down and hurt until you bleed
but it still doesn't bring you any comfort

the ones that have so much more to say
but this poem would be too long with all the words about my pain
so i'll just leave it as it is now
and leave some of my hurt on display

you keep calling me "lovely"
and it warms my heart

you ask how i could love him
and still talk to him after he put me down
you ask me how i could put myself
in a position where i could be hurt
you ask why i have no self-esteem
or self-worth
but i do
i do
i have self-esteem and self-worth
i value myself above any other
i love myself despite the fact that you can't
why do i still love him?
why do i still put myself in that position?
yes, he hurt me before
but so have you
and i didn't lock you out, did i?
it is called forgiveness
you have to understand why people do the things they do
the reason he broke up with me
is because his friend made him
she didn't like me
so she told him she would tell the school
we were doing things we weren't supposed to do
if he didn't leave me
(which we did no such thing)
the thing is
i told people the bad things about him
i do not know why
but there is more good in him
he is so good
so very good
he is a gentleman
he is kind and gentle
he is trustworthy
and has a beautiful personality
there's so much more
there's good in him
that's why i love him
you do not see the good
everyone has their own type
everyone likes what they like
and he is mine
i love him
he makes me happy
and by what you are saying
you do not want me to have happiness
so thank you
but i'm going to do what makes me happy
and that's being with him
and if you don't like that
i'm sorry
but you're the one putting me down
you're the one hurting me
you're the one making me feel
worthless and not good enough
and i found someone who doesn't do that to me
so thanks but no thanks
i'm fine just where i am

to give you all of me is so scary
i just hope you don't leave
and i believe that you won't, to a point
but it's all i'm used to so please have mercy
i'm always going to be scared
until the day you can hold me

i feel left behind
all the freaking time
like nobody wants to be bothered
with this mess i call mine
it's fine
honestly, it's fine
all i ever do is try, try, try
but it seems i've lost my light

Today you were different
For some reason
you changed
I don't know if it's because I was interested in someone else
and you noticed I didn't want you
(Which is wrong, I still want you)
But today you kept holding me
and any time someone accidentally hurt me
or said something mean
or anything like that
You were very protective
And told them you really care about me
and told them to apologize
I don't know..
You're just so different
We always put our arms over each others shoulders when we're walking in the hallways together
But today you nestled into me
like we were dating
And kept pulling me really close
Then you hugged me and nestled your head into my neck
and it seemed like you kissed my skin right there
But I might have just been dreaming
And you walked me to my bus like always
and before you left
you kissed my forehead
And my heart dropped
Since when do you do that?
I thought we were just friends
I thought we were never getting back together
At least that's what you said
You're different
You've changed
But if this is how you're going to be
I hope this never changes

nighttime tears kiss the pillow
shaking from sobbing
the pain says hello
i know i messed up
i know you're not proud
but i'm trying my hardest
in this ruthless crowd
i'm trying to be better
for everyone around me
but how can i do that
when you go on a hurting spree
everyone always hurts me to death
i know i'm so sensitive
but it's not like i can change that
maybe just be careful
maybe just have mercy
i think you know i break easily
so why do you have to hurt me?
i know you're just trying to get it in my head
but it's there
it's already there
it's in the tears i shed
i wish that you could learn compassion
and that's not who you are
but i wish you could learn it
you say i'm worth it
you say you love me
but when i'm around you
i feel the opposite
i never asked to be this way
it's just the lessons i have to learn
but that doesn't mean you have to
hit me until it hurts
i'm trying
i'm trying my hardest to make you proud
but i just can't seem to do that
i know you protest against this
but i am in love with him
and you say that it's not love
but it's love to me
so i'm just going to rise above
love is sacrifice in many ways
and i'm willing to sacrifice your trust for him
remember my psychic feelings?
i get them with him
and you may not believe that
but it is the truth
so i'm sorry i'm not the best daughter
but at least i'm happy

have you ever wondered what you look like from a lover's point of view
think about it
think about the way you feel when you see them
your heart warms with the sunshine inside
you automatically smile and can't seem to stop
you see all the things you love about them gathered together into such an amazing person
you're filled to the brim with undying love
and when you see them
you just want to run into their arms and stay there
and kiss their lips
and you talk and talk and talk
just to hear their voice
and you're so ******* happy
you could cry
don't you think they feel the same way?
when they see you walking towards them
off in your own world
and they see beauty radiating from your body
and all they feel is love love love
and when you see them and smile
they just have to smile back
and when you hug
they just want to stay there a little longer like you do
and they just feel the same undying love for you
but you feel like they're not feeling this way
so you think you're not good enough
or you're scared they will leave you
but they love you so ******* much
they would die to save you
would it be too crazy to believe they feel the same way?
would it be too crazy to believe they want you forever?
would it be too crazy?

call me "lovely"
and tell me you want to love my mess
bring me flowers
and kiss my lips
hold me for eternity
and never let go
stay with me forever
and call me yours

my head is somewhere else
light on my body
my vision fading in
just breathe
and out
don't forget to breathe
my head spinning
drink water
my vision keeps blurring
keep drinking the water!
i hate feeling this way
feeling like i'm going to faint
oh god, just breathe
just focusing on one thing
moving slowly
just be careful
you're okay
keep breathing
the anxiety only makes it worse
you're okay

you told me
"you mean so much to me"
and my heart smiled

i wish i could feel your touch
i wish i could hear your voice
i wish i could hear that fake laugh you do
i wish i could have a tickle fight with you
i wish your lips were on mine
i wish we were sleeping side by side
i wish you were pulling me close

we tried this once before
actually twice
we ended up breaking up both times
i wasn't good at a relationship
you were my first
and i never dated anyone since
i was too clingy
and wanted attention
i was too annoying
so we settled for friendship
but you are too irresistible
and i guess i am too
because it didn't take you that long
to be stuck like glue
i know i failed the first time
and the second time again
but i promise this time you won't regret this
because i know what i did wrong now
and i won't make a mistake
so i hope we will work
because if we don't
why does the universe keep pulling us together?
why do we keep saying i love you?
why can't we seem to stay away?
I'll break