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Kai Nov 2024
Maybe it's reality
Or maybe i'm just weak
I have no reason to paint pernament lines on my wrists, do i?
Other children work too, don't they?

That were the words of my dear mother
Who lulled me into sleep with pain
Pain caused by her boyfriend who despised me almost as much
As my differences

My house is not normal enough to be good
But not bad enough to be normal
At least that's what i was forced to believe since the
oh so perfect age of ten
Abuse can mess with your mind
Kai Nov 2024
She was a child but
"what was she wearing?"

"men have their needs"

"your body my choice"

"You asked for it"

"you made that up"

"i bet it wasnt even that bad"


Yet you complain when you get a cold
The painful reality of SA survivors
Kai Nov 2024
A mother is not a mom
Nice clothes aren't consent
Abuse isn't discipline
Scars don't make you weak
Fake friends aren't friends
Forced acts aren't obedience
A child isn't a worker
Yelling isn't love
Art is not a waste of time
A woman isn't a cooking mashine
What you see might not be what you think
This one isn't really good, might rewrite it later
Kai Jun 6
this place
i got forced into
is not real.
it may be for you,
but for me it is not.
after some time you start to see through the lies humans -
- or the others - built.
you see though this reality
into yours,
the voices feeling more real than people,
the shadows more comforting than touch
honestly i dont even know what im writing anymore, maybe it's just cuz im tired, maybe it's cuz im dissociating again, i have no idea. i just want it to end like *** just make it stop without pushing me in deeper for once
Kai Nov 2024
Who thought that
Numbness can hurt so much?
Proof that nothing is something
Kai Jan 29
"Oh to be loved by a writer"
Someone once said to me,
Not knowing they are.
Being hated by a writer is so much worse tho

(Also, i wanna be loved by a writer ****)
Kai May 29
A minute, a day
Takes another life away.
Showing the truth
Through obvious lies,
A poem is written,
The writer dies.
Im the writer btw

(another draft, this time from december)
Kai Dec 2024
Overthinking.
It starts with silly little fears
And gets worse as you age.

Soon, you don't only worry about making a mistake, no.
It turns into paranoia.
You lose the ability to escape in your thoughts
Because you're anxious that someone in the room can read minds,
Even though you know it can't be true.

You avoid doing embarassing things on your phone,
Thinking someone might have hacked it and sees what you're doing.

You start worrying if you walk the correct way,
Anxious of every little mistake, unnoticable by the others,
But noticable by you.

You're scared of doing everything you love
And soon, overthinking takes away your whole freedom.
As someone who's paranoid for literally no reason, these are some of my thoughts and stuff like that, i was wondering if anyone has it similar.
Kai Jun 21
"you'll learn through pain" they said,
and so i did.
after years of them inflicting it on me,
i took the matter into my own hands.

i got addicted to something i hated so much,
the metallic taste,
the blades,
the touch.

the silver lines
all over my body,
the scars that'll stay there forever,
the sting after i clean the cuts,
(it feels like someone is taking care of me)

and the reason.
the reason i write this,
the reason i look for in my words,
yet can't seem to find
kinda feels like love, honestly

my writing is getting so much worse thoooo i wanna write at least one good thing before i die
Kai Dec 2024
It doesn't go away
It just transforms into something else
Like energy never dissapears and just turns into a different type of energy, pain never goes away. It can change, sure, but it's always there.
Kai Apr 3
The best of the worst motivators.
i feel like everytime i get hurt, i write to somehow cope with the feeling. i hate it. it almost feels as if i craved pain to get the motivation, the attention and validation to write new things. it certainly doesn't feel fair.
Kai Mar 4
Following the path
Written ahead
Not realizing
It's all in my head.
Imaginary world anyone?
Kai Jul 7
is it pathetic,
that the only way i can deal with your words
is hurting myself?

an argument
that you'll forget about in 15 minutes,
leaves scars on my body
that will last forever.
apologies don't erase the damage, especially if it's physical, and i don't care if i sound like a **** rn but she should ******* understand that
Kai Jan 1
Some people are born to be succesful,
Some people are meant to be losers
Some are born to recieve everything the others give them
Some are born to give
Some people get love
Some people give it away
Some people take it as granted
Some people would do anything to get it
Some people have everything
While others are meant to have nothing.
You don't choose the life you're born in. Everyone here has a role. Sometimes your role is being broken.
Kai Jan 19
Good grades,

Clean clothes,

Obedient behavior.

Perfect child.

So why do you hurt them so much?
You do everything they want but they still have a problem.
Kai Dec 2024
You were a stright A's student,
Winning competitions,
Was the writer of the year 4 years in a row.

But one day something changed
Your grades began to drop,
You started skipping school,
Drinking an entire bottle of water at once
So you would throw up and not go to school.

Suddenly, people that loved you started to hate you
You were gifted, sure
And it might have been impressive when you were younger
But now others caught up

You're no longer special.
Having troubles with school rn
Kai Jan 29
A soul broken into pieces,
And given an ability to write in return.
As "compensation".
To make people relate,
Getting the tiniest bit of happiness
From their work
While dying slowly.
I feel like this one is kinda selfish but idk
Kai Apr 3
"Quite poetic, isn't it?"

"Everything is poetic."
A real conversation i had with someone, and a sentence i say a lot. Technically, everything is poetic.
Kai Nov 2024
Poetry,
The language that only we,
The freaks of the world
Understand.
Another one i wrote when i was 12-13 years old, i had an entire binder for my writing and it had a paper sticker on it that obviously said "writing", this short poem was hidden on the other side, only to be seen when the sticker is taken off.
Kai Mar 7
You can't force it on yourself.
The words come by themselves,
In the most random moment,
To help you
Or doom you.
They have their own will.
A sudden wave of inspiration,
On a train, bus, school,
But when you want to write,
It tells you you're not ready.
My teacher once told me that she's not a proffesional writer because she doesn't want to force herself to write.
Kai Jun 6
You make promises,
And never keep them.
Making a spontaneous decision to form a bond
Of the promise you'll never keep.

The necklace you used as a proof
That you can keep a few words true,
Now laying in your drawer,
Becoming a simple memory.
The bracelet you still wear on your wrist,
Not having the heart to take it off,
While the promise was broken ages ago,
Leaving it a meaningless piece of material.

The notebooks with poems,
About random people, thoughts, feelings,
Untouched for years,
The letters you knew he'd never recieve.

And the shiny blade,
Slowly being decorated by rust,
Yet you still use it.
You don't know why,
You don't know what it gives you,
But you made a promise.
this one is long af, kinda a vent thing i guess? idk bro i dont care at this point
Kai Feb 6
Dziecinna zabawa w kota i myszkę
O życie.
Jak uciekanie po kątach
Zamkniętej przestrzeni,
Mając nadzieję na wydostanie się
Poza niezniszczalne ściany.
I zakończenie,
Groźba i obietnica.
"Nie mów nikomu, wiesz co się stanie".
Postanowiłem coś po polsku napisać, bo czemu by nie. Nie najlepsze, ale chyba może być.

(First time writing poetry in my native language since i noticed a lot of Polish people here. Not the best but i tried <3)
Kai Apr 3
The punishment,
Mental torture turning into thin red lines.
There's no one to punish me anymore,
So who should?
I look around
And see
Me.
I feel like after some time self harm became a way i used to punish myself. As expected, it turned into an addiction and an unhealthy attachment to pain itself, i've been working on it with my therapist but i'm getting way too ******* tired.
Kai Dec 2024
In every class,
Every place,
There is a child that's oddly quiet.
As the child grows up, they begin to change,
Growing more and more distant from reality.

They sit there emotionlessly,
Living their dream life in their own universe.
It's quite sad others can't see it.

Sometimes, imagination dissapears along with childhood innocence.
A child that can't play is no longer a child.
Some children are smarter than adults
That's why people belittle them.
They can't stand the thought of someone being superior to them.

Be a child as long as you can.
You'll regret it if you don't.
Wrote this during geography class
Kai Sep 20
I watched the control slowly slip out of my grip,
Life slip out of my hands.
I could feel the weight of overthinking while trying to quit.
Stay clean.

But self harm gave me control,
So what is it really?
i want my poetry to get good again omfg
Kai Apr 22
Reading my life
In tears
The past 2 years of my pain
At exactly 11:52pm
Contemplating every decision,
Every tiny detail
That shaped me into this failure.
i'm so sorry.
Kai Jun 25
A nonexistent construct
Believed by many,
And broken by few.
nothing is real lol
Kai Jan 29
Hands working to get the supplies
For their master.
Used, exploited.
For other people's comfort.

They breathe the same air
As the "masters"
But are shamed for it.
For wasting the oxygen
The "master" needs.
Children shouldn't be slaves (and actual slaves shouldn't be slaves as well, unless they really want to).
Kai Feb 18
Coldness
The loud gasps for air
And a phone you've been
Clutching in your hand.
The car chasing you,
Fear in your eyes.
You know it's the end.
You wait for the
Pretty blue and red lights
To save you.
And then you wake up,
Doctor everywhere,
And your very first
Mental hospital friend
Wrote this in the mental hospital
Kai Mar 31
You're like a safety pin.
Holding onto life for me
When i no longer can.
To this one special person.
Kai Dec 2024
Don't let yourself lose your sanity
Because if you do
There's no turning back
Again, one of the older ones, i also wote it in cursive for some reason..
Kai Jun 6
each one has a reason
a purpose that faded away,
another time someone broke your trust,
broke you.

each one is for a specific person,
or people,
for a thought or memory,
for satisfaction, control or punishment.

each one is shaped differently,
yet you recognize every single one.
the sight of them fading fills you with a need for more
as you go deeper.
at this point im not even trying to stay clean, there's no point. i'll relapse anyway. it's quite ironic how someone you thought you could trust becomes the reason you want to disappear (in my case its my stepfather and a few other people)
Kai Mar 7
Scars fading away,
Along with the memories
Of the hurt and decay,
The endless stories,
Coming back fresh,
Regaining their life on paper,
Carving into the flesh,
Disappearing later.
Sh scars fading away is one of the worst feelings out there
Kai Dec 2024
I sit alone, with a book in my hand
Ignoring the loudness around me and
The ocassional contact with other human beings
I rarely talk, i'm quiet because my mind is too loud.

I try expressing my thoughts through words and other types of art
But how do i stay intact
If everything is falling apart?
When everything i knew and loved left?
Not in the best mood rn
Kai Dec 2024
One writer knows another
Who knows one known by the first

Small world, isn't it?
No idea if it even makes sense, came up with this one at 6:30am going to school
Kai Dec 2024
Are we still together?
No.
Would i do anything for you?
Yes.
Despite the things that happened he's still a really good friend and i wouldnt trade the world for him.
Kai Dec 2024
You said you're sorry, i tried to accept it.
Pick up the broken pieces of my heart,
The ones that you broke apart.
Sometimes i wish i have never said it,
The words that doomed me into this nonsense,
Trying to imagine your presence
Next to me.
Today i give up on trying to find a copy of you,
Someone to replace the emptiness you left behind.
Someone who could give me a better view,
Of the souls that have never alligned.
I write way too much breakup stuff
Kai Dec 2024
Stomp, stomp, stomp
Here come the footsteps meaning to unalive me

Stab, stab, stab
The knife is doing its work

Drip, drip, drip
The blood slowly drips on the floor
From which i may not pick myself up anymore.
Kai Jul 22
What does success even mean
If we all die in the end?
Kai Jul 5
A quick, (not) painless way
To abandon all of your struggles.
An attempt to feel special, they say,
While in reality it's so much more.

They say only a coward would do it,
But i tried to take the life
Of the child i once were,
And the adult i could become.
So im alive i guess.... I can't really write that well yet but at least I have a boyfriend now so maybe i won't **** myself, i dunno
Kai Mar 7
you try to Survive,
jUst hold on a little longer,
not wanting to stay alIve,
Crying, but trying to be stronger.
i thInk you know how it fells,
Dying to never cry,
dying to not be alone,
despite the fact that you diE
Connect the dots
Kai Mar 27
I wrote suicide notes like love letters,
Maybe a bit too much.
Maybe a bit too often,
With those depressing words and such.

I wrote suicide notes like love letters,
Carefully chose every word.
Desperately trying to tell you,
That to me you meant the whole world.

I wrote suicide notes like love letters,
It almost felt like a crime.
Put my pen down like a weapon,
And glance at you one last time.
i wrote way too many of those
Kai Sep 20
You said the greatest thing i could do is die,
So i wrote you a letter
Saying goodbye.

It looked like a love letter,
And for you it was,
I tried to make your life better,
Getting rid of all of my flaws
By getting rid of myself.

I said i'll go to hell,
But it's okay cuz i made life heaven for you.
However, you started crying,
Saying you regret your words,
And that you didn't want me dying.

It's too late.
Another version of something i wrote some time ago
Kai Sep 17
At least the sunset is pretty,
The way i want to be.
At least it shines with warmth,
Instead of cold stares i recieve,
But it'll end,
Disappear,
Leave me like they all did,
And my life will end with the sunset,
In the last rays of its warmth.
"The sunset is pretty, isn't it?" also WHY IS MY WRITING GETTING SO BADDDDDDDDDDDDD
Kai Nov 2024
My brain tells me to fight
But my heart says no
Kai Jan 29
A childish object
Lifting you
Up and down.

The air surrounding you
Like a cold but comforting embrace.
Up and down.

The wind ruffling your hair
Like a loving mother's hand would.
Up and down.

Your only friend
That won't ever leave you.
You leave it first.
Up and down.
I think we left swings too early
Kai Jan 7
Needles injected into my body,
Machines everywhere,
The concerned nurses whispering to each other.
The tests and
The forgotten fear of needles,
Define my existence.
I am a test subject,
Nothing wrong but nothing right.
And they will continue
Until it's too late.
Since i was a child i had really bad dizziness and sometimes fainting, all of that getting worse over time. Since i was 12 ive been getting multiple tests but no one knows what's wrong. I literally got used to needles (i used to have panic attacks just seeing them). I feel like a ******* test subject.
Kai Nov 2024
And i'm going to walk
Far, far away
Walk and die alone
Die and decay

They're not going to care about me anyway
But they're going to remember
That one winter day
I wrote this when i was 12, kinda concerning lol
Kai Nov 2024
Being the abused child is
Flinching at everything
Not knowing how it feels to be cared for
Blaming yourself
Thinking their love is a lie
Maladaptive daydreaming
Addictions
Being over-compliant
Not being able to say no
Mysic loud enough to silence your mind
and the pretty silver lines engraved on your skin

It's not fair
i just wanted a normal life
Abuse is not that big of a deal, or is it?
Kai May 29
In a box, in the last drawer,
A blade lies.
Feeding off the quiet cries,
Not quitting, even though it tries.

Having an idiot to please,
Because SOMEONE is upset,
Cutting off the bad emotions,
Hatred, longing and regret.
So like... This one feels extremely unfinished BUT I WAS LIKE 12/13 WHEN I WROTE THIS... and i guess it's the pov of the blade once you use it
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