His name was Jack,
He dreamt of a farm
And a boy named Ennis.

Together they would grow old,
Sharing stories of love and happiness.
But destiny had something else in mind.

Love was a motion they couldn't run from,
But the world wasn't prepared for true love
Regardless from where it came.

Sad is to know that even though this story is fiction,
It has happened to so many
JACKS and ENNIS.

I hope to live in a century
That's more accepting of love and compassion.
So Ennis and Jack can be who they want to be.

Let me love who I want,
So I can truly love myself.

It's not a matter of not caring
What other people say,
It's a matter of freedom and respect.

Love yourself;
Love who you want to;
Respect everyone.

You sit and wait.
You wait for something.
Something else to awake you.
To awake you inside.

You wait and sit.
You sit for anything.
Anything to incite you.
To incite you to get up.

You're there and here,
Here and there.
You want to be full,
or empty at best.

You start to pray,
even though you don't believe.
At some point,
You believe that you believe.

You're a mess,
A mess in this place.
But in the end,
You're all you've ever been.

Don’t you ever get tired of being defensive,
on guard,
on the waiting call to strike back and move forward?
Don’t you ever feel restless for a minute of peace in the world,
in yourself?

Another empty whisky bottle lays at the end of that table
and still there’s no hope to be found.

You fight to hold on,
you fight to stay strong.

Finger on the gun,
you’re not going home today.

The fight’s not done,
the war ain’t won.

A man on a ledge, ready to jump.

It's not pretty.
It's not pleasant.
It's not ******* hip.

It runs through your body
while your mind is still processing what's happening.
You feel like you're going to die.

You can't breathe.
You can't think.
You can't control your body.

And you just wanna scream,
Only you can't.

And tears fall from your face
like raindrops on a crispy morning.
While you gasp for air,
you only wish you'd be normal.

Stop making it "cool"!
It isn't cool!

This isn't something you wish upon a star,
This is something you've to learn how to deal with,
Or you'll let your life be consumed by uncontrollable fear,
Of never having control over your mind and body.

If you knew how it felt to go through life,
And never knowing if you're going to allow yourself
To live in the moment, to enjoy the present,
Without worrying about the future or the past.
You'd not wish to have this disease!

Stop! Stop making this disease a fashion choice,
It's not a ******* choice!
It's something you're forced to live with!

Can't sleep.
Bathroom.
Fill it up.
Bubble it up.
Get in.
Intrusive thought.

*

You'd be surprised.
Used to the purpose of cleaning
And pleasured times.

And I fantasize about suicide.
The sense of quietness and structure,
What most of us ambitions in life.

...

Don't let
the behavior
of others
destroy your
inner peace.

Don't let
them get
into your
head and
control you.

Don't let
the promises
of them
be the
only solution.

Don't let
them mold
and shape
you as
they please.

Be strong!
Be confident!
Be proud!
Be positive!
Be you!

When you feel the world crushing down
and you just want to check out,
define gravity!

Clench fists and held your head up high,
you're the son of the despair ready to get it right.

Your heart might be broken by impossible heartaches
but your spirit takes you and leads you to the unbreakable.

You're not a hero because you're perfect,
you're a hero because you're human.
A great righteous one,
not with the best decisions
but with the best intentions.

To many,
heartaches are the end of them,
their legacy.

To you?
Heartaches are the beginning of your existence,
the legacy starts within you!

Don't ever change,
don't ever give up.

Be brave and courageous at heart,
wild and unique at soul.

You're a force to be reckon with!

Another day and another reality check.
But I keep finding ways to not give up on you.
Is it stupidity or pure belief it could be real?

I'm stupid, because it hurts the way you don't care.
Yet, I seem to care for the both of us,
When it's supposed to be two wanting something.

You don't want. That's the problem,
But still you keep giving me hopes.
Hopes in forms of smiles and simple attitudes.

Ahhhhhh, I scream, hoping to wake up
And not miss you at all.

It was nothing.
We were nothing.
We weren't.

*******.
I didn't want to care.
I wish I could hate you.

But I can only hate myself,
For letting you in and break my walls
Make me believe in something so unreal.

I have to move on.
I need to...

But how?

I don't understand how can a person keep trying to unlock a door that's locked so deeply or doesn't even exists. I don't know how does one get strength to move against something whose still, unmoved, untouched. How does one stay broken but picking up others pieces and try to restore something that can only be fixed by time and self-value. I know I'm whole cause I've been fine and myself, but why do I keep expecting others to want to be in my journey, my struggles and my wins, when they are too focused in themselves and their hate for the world? I can't explain how one's mind works, when I don't know how mine works. But still, I keep trying to understand you, to search for you, to know you, but you don't want me too. Or at least you don't show me you want me to. What to do when all I do is try? I don't stop thinking about giving up, but there's something in this, something that doesn't make me let go. It's a psychological torture, I know it is. I'm letting myself being torture by my cravings, my curiosity, my **** ******* feelings. I want answers, and I want them now! It takes time, but **** time. I want you to tell me the **** is in your head and where the **** do you think this is going. Is it asking much? I know we're different. We've lived different lives, different circumstances, different interactions. But in my world, my self-called world, when you want to know someone, you show them, despise the amount of time you have. I feel like I'm running against a tide. Tell me what you want, what you need, what you're thinking. Is it asking much? I guess not, but your mind works in mysterious ways.

Today was a good day.
I felt like myself,
The me that has been away at sea.
Little by little I'm filling the breaches
With patience and appreciation.
Day by day my heart whispers:
It's okay not to be okay
You're still changing,
Forgive and accept your decisions.
It is what it is
So rise above and shine brightly.

Funny how you multiply in so many directions,
But then you look in the mirror and you forgot to love yourself.

& you'll cry.
Please, forgive me,
I forgot you existed all over again!

Wobbly, dim and loud
It's the road to self-love.

I had so much to say but then I lost the courage.
You wouldn't want to hear them, I know.
I'm no good expressing what I want to,
When my heart's about to be throw out of my mouth.
The tightness on my throat intensifies and I stand quiet,
While my head's about to be blown away with so many thoughts.

Because every time we say goodbye,
It feels like I'm about to say something.
But then I look at you and I've all the answers.
I don't even know what that means.

You shake me to the core, I feel alive
And so afraid, that I'm the only one feeling that way.
You break my walls, the next second I'm building them up again.

Because every time we say goodbye,
It feels like I'm about to say something.
But then I look at you and I've all the answers.
I don't even know what that means.

Please, show me that you want to get to know me,
That you ******* care,
That you'll be there if I need.
I trust you so much. I can't understand how that happened.
You give me so much security when I look at you,
That everything's gonna be easier, even when you're ****** up inside.
How?

*Because every time we say goodbye,
It feels like I'm about to say something.
But then I look at you and I've all the answers.
I don't even know what that means.

There's a fear I can't shake.
It keeps boiling,
I can't shake it.

It's petrifying the way it takes my bones
And travels my veins.
It's petrifying me.

I don't know whether I try to control it,
Or just assume it as my own device.
'Cause either way it possesses me,
And demands my being.

I'm left shaking
And petrifying in doubts,
I'll never be good enough.

Attention, everyone attention!
When I stopped talking,
I thought I heard you think
But only silence followed.

You're drowning me,
But I'm gonna take you with me!

Fear. For once, I’ll try and live despise the fear.
See you, run to you, hold your hand and tell you I’m there,
fully there, not a self made prototype that faces behind my true self.

Love. For once, I’ll try and face what I feel.
Let it drive me and move me to be honest not only with myself but with you.
I don’t know what I feel, but I’ll tell you that.

Anger. For once, I’ll try and let it corrupt my body until I finally speak thought the hate I feel for me,
how much I don’t, for you.

Can I? Will I? I don’t think I’ll…

It's 2:35 am,
I'm surrounded by close family
In a beautiful place,  close to the beach
And I'm full of sorrow, bitterness,
Heavy heart and broken promises.

I can't sleep.
So much I wanna do,
So much I wanna be.

So much opportunities,
So little money, so little luck.
My ambition has got to hold on.

I close my eyes
And the endless of chances start to narrow,
Swallowing me whole, breaking my bones.

I can't sleep.
So much I wanna do,
So much I wanna be.

Is not just about
what you're eating.
It's also about
what you're thinking
and saying.

I'd like to start
preaching this.
We all should.

A broken man looking for a fight in a faithful place.
He's unknown, uneasy, unworthy and unfit.
He claims revenge to a stranger locked inside himself.

He sees red, he feels red, he's red.

Guided by rage there's no place to hide.
There's no hope in the conflicted emotions floating upon his heart.
He's a soldier at war with himself.

He sees red, he feels red, he's red.

There's no giving up when there's no getting up.
The broken reflection of a stranger motion.
He's never been more like himself when he's doubting himself.

He sees red, he feels red, he's red.

Shallow words, defined actions.
Quiet, impatient, there, waiting.
He's destroying himself.

He sees red, he feels red, he's red.

Dean Winchester,
locked in himself;
at war with himself;
doubting himself;
destroying himself.

He sees red, he feels red, he’s red.

The oddity of the remained silence,
wrecks your walls and scrambles your thoughts.

In a cold misfit hope, entangled in raw truth,
He dreams of paradise.

Hypocrite, look at me!
Opening my mouth to say "I'm fine"
But, oh, I'm burning inside.

Hypocrite, look at you!
Asking me how I am doing
But, oh, you really don't ******* care.

The nerves of the unknown
Terrifies me,
Controls me.

My heads a million miles away,
Over thinking the billion impossible ways
It can go.

The future's out of my reach,
But my brain refuses to understand that.

I tell myself don't,  
But all I convey is please;

Please:
- let me say the right things at the right time;
- don't let me do weird noises while others are directly speaking to my face;
- listen to everything and don't ask repeated questions;
- control your inner shyness and don't let your awkwardness take over;
- go to sleep after you write this cause all you don't need is enormous eye bags to complete your zombie face.

I want and I need to learn how not to be always in control and be okay with it.
I've to learn how to be kinder to myself.

Thank you for reading another nervous breakout.

Always yours,
Irsorai

I dare you to smile often,
to open your arms and trust.
Trust there's good and you can reach it.

I dare you to dream with no restrictions,
to fill up your heart and prepare it for battle.
Battle for what you desire and never giving up.

I dare you to stop diminishing yourself,
to believe and challenge your horizons.  
You're an independent and strong human being.

I dare you.

Why do you chase after somebody you can never have?
Cause you know it won't grow into something,
and you crave for a normalcy into wanting.

Why do you never want what wants you?
Cause you're afraid of what it can turn into,
and you run against anything that makes you feel.

Aren't you afraid you're gonna end up alone?
Yes. And that says a lot about my state of mind,
witch begins to turn me into something I don't want to be.

Cold hearted, bitter and remorseful.  
Not lonely of love, cause that I'm full of.

But with the fear of let go and be loved,
cause I'm used to myself and the thought of letting someone love me,
wrecks my walls and trembles my roof.

How do I let go?
How am I free?

I need to...

I'm a left and I am deaf.

A thousand tears of broken words whispered in the silence of my solitude.
A broken glass reflecting the perfect reflection of my heart.
A stolen soul in exchanged of numbness mornings and empty bodies.
A beating heart on a dead soul. The longing of feelings that never left.
A hand on a floor against the demons in my head.
A miserable excuse for a reasonable action. The feeling so strong in a mess of a world.
A crying for help in a hopeless land.

I'm a left and I am deaf.

You're overwhelming my senses.
****, my head's at hundred a second,
And the ride's driving me insane.
My body shakes with the intensity of what I've to say,
But, yet, silence takes over my being and I stay lost.

Lost between what I think,
Against what I feel.
Running once more in circles.
Ain't that the usual?

I'd let you hold my heart,
So you'd feel how heavy it is,
How my throat's hurting
And how my eyes are trying the hardest not to give in.

When was the last time I said what I meant
Without thinking about anyone else but myself?
I have been always at war with the voices inside my head,
Trying desperately to find my own.

Where's my button off?
I want to let go of all expectations,
Implications, overwhelmedness and restrictions.
What I should and shouldn't, I just want to be.

Weirdly, I find it easy to deal with what I can't have,
Than what I can reach and live it.
When was I told I'm not worthy of being valued?
So sick and tired of feeling oppressed by myself.

Entering in my life as a storm,
yes,
that's how you invaded my space,
and took my guards down.

I certainly let you,
sure,
but you've done the impossible,
make me comfortable and feeling safe.

For that,
I'm thankful.

People like to talk,
and oh, they talk,
let 'em say whatever they have to say.

I know what you mean,
and we know what we are,
what we wanna built and
to where we're going.

Thank you,
for giving me security to be,
to live and to explore.

With you ,
I know I'm growing,
growing as an individual and
surely, as a person in general.

So let 'em talk,
opine about our life.
People are gonna give their opinions,
being asked about or not.
And while they're worried about our life,
I'm living it to the fullest.

Such a motionless feeling to the beating rumble of my heart.
There’s a cruel way for how the wind is billowing tonight,
it whistles,
it crumbles all the barriers between then and now.
I wish I could tell you how much it beats out of pace when I think about you.
But there’s nothing there,
there’s nothing strong enough that holds you there,
it’s ruined,
you ruined it.

You took everything with you;
the memories, the good and bad;
the stolen smiles, between hugs and talks;
you took me, a part of me I don’t remember anymore.
You took my innocence,
you took my pureness.

I don’t hate you because I don’t feel for you,
in me,
you do not exist,
you’re nothing.

You’re… you… aren’t.

I feel like I'm floating in life.

I'm unemployed with a small child at home. I don't have the patience that I'd like to have with her. I want to play with her freely and with no worries about tomorrow. I want to make her feel loved unconditionally and protect her from everything.

I need to find a job that I like and that won't make me feel guilty from not being around her.

I'm living with the love of my life and I don't want to be always lashing out on him from being human. I don't want to pass him stress because I'm not in my best place, because I need more security, more confidence, more joy.

I don't remember what I like anymore and I just pass my time with whatever entertains my brain, and for a while I'm numb, I feel ok.

But I'm not okay.

I wonder if everything that is happening is because I'm not being my best and I'm attracting it.

At this moment I feel lost in my thoughts and I cannot run anymore from what I'm feeling.

Being quarantined is messing with my capability of a normal process.

I need to breathe and think of the next step to get up and live.

There's a ******* train.
C'mon, don't you hear it?

Look, I'm not insane.
IT'S A TRAIN!
Don't you see it?

Dude, it's a train!
Don't you smell it?

Oh, I understand...
That's how love feels like.

Emptiness crippling the walls,
Steps dragging the shallow bodies.
It's been too long since it was spoken,
& words feel as broken as scarce touches.

Call my name,
I've been lost in my thoughts.

It's okay little brother,
I'll protect you
from yourself.

I'll protect you
from the world.

I would die for you.

I would die for you
a thousand times.

You’re not alone,
I’m right here with you.

This is
not the end,
*not the end.

I am a poet.
I am a story teller.
I am untold stories about to be re-discovered.
I am the unburdened souls reborn.
I am about to be the stars that never were.
I am me.
I am undiscovered,
Untold,
Incomplete
And free.

Oh, you beautiful escape...
You reckon me back to life
Your sway echoes along the drafts
I'm complete when you're falling.

Each drop that falls,
Is a calling back to reality.
Witch stroke of wind,
Supports my dreams and caries my hopes.

Oh, you beautiful landscape...
Bring me into normality,
Shake my foundations,
make me smile through hard days.

Your images afloat my horizon,
And It's easier everyday,
Cause everything will get better,
When nature is pure and touchable.

Oh, you beautiful world...
Don't you ever change,
Keep holding hands, hold unto sacred love.
Live between solidary and reality.

Preserve humanity as the last resource,
To keep escapes and landscapes alive.

I live constantly between reality and Illusion.
I don’t know where ends or begins the other.
What’s reality? Isn't illusion part of reality?
Or is reality part of illusion? But what’s illusion after all?

Between thin lines,
I see the shore of those broken ideas.
Along the springs of my heart,
I see flows against tides.

Where do I belong?
What do I seek?
It is me or does everything seem blurry?
I am a capital energy of this passivity place.

I am real. Am I?