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Aug 2020 · 28
When He Left Me
Ariel Aug 2020
When he left me, it hurt.
Then all I felt was rage, I'll admit, at first.
Clarity came last, for what it was worth.

The more I reflect on us, the more I look
The more I see, the further I gaze
He was never perfect.
All of the aches and the pain that he brought
He didn't deserve the love I offered.
His promises were a shiny veneer over plastic
Made to look like precious metal, but underneath existed nothing of worth.
He took his leave, he left of his own will
Of this, I'm sure, was a blessing in disguise.

The rose-colored-lenses have come off.
I can finally see, now
That he wasn't even good--
No...
He was the worst.
He tortured and played
Pulled my strings, and I obeyed
He wanted me to fall apart and put me back incorrectly
So that when he failed, he could just leave
Leave with no further explanation
Not even a lie
He simply left me with a pile of promises
And finally, clear eyes.

When he left me, I thought something in me died.
Perhaps it did.
But I think it was a good change, I won't lie.
I don't miss him. This much, I can say is true.
If anything, I rue the way things changed
I wish I could have controlled it, how soon
I shouldn't have gotten attached at all.
No matter, anyway.
I've overcome that pain, I've found someone new
He actually wants me, of this I'm sure
And because I'm finally over He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named,
My freshly-healed wings are finally able to fly.
Oct 2019 · 258
On Being Woman
Ariel Oct 2019
When it comes to these things, Woman is despised.
Her *** is inferior in the face of man.
Her body is disgraced and considered unholy, deemed "temptress" and "defiler".
Why is this so?
What benefit is there to the dichotomy of the ****** and the *****?
Why is there only these two things which woman can aspire to?
Why, when Woman is strong and steadfast as the mountain
Who will not bow no matter how the wind howls!
When Woman is as fierce as the flame that ripples in her heart
and the searing heat of the volcano--
Why, then, is this language so?
Wasteful, wanton
Grotesque, sinful
Disgusting, passive
Unholy, sinful
Why? Why, when her womb creates the very essence of life on earth, is her beauty scorned?
Alas! Her very creations despise her existence
The sons of her ***** lack reverence for their mothers
For the very essence of Woman is taboo.
The apex of her thighs is at once deeply coveted and sincerely ignored
For there exists no greater shame than the moment her ***** first sheds its blood.
That first splash of crimson and black is the end of her girlhood
For once that first blood is drawn, her Womanhood cannot be denied.
At that moment, she becomes Object
No longer human, no longer girl
She is Object
To be coveted and have eyes laid upon her
She is Object
To be salivated over and seen as the ****** plaything of the Male Eye
She is Object, and she is human no more.
After the first emergence of ******* from her ribcage, the first rounding of her hips and thighs,
She is no longer worthy of anything but lust and contempt
For, it is certainly her fault that these sinful feelings arise.
Why on earth would it be the fault of the toxic mindset of Man, of his instinct to pillage and take what is not his?
Woman's body is her own, and yet, she is not treated so
She is laughed at, mocked, and spoken to in rage
Her rights of choice are threatened, soon to possibly go away
What, in this, is there to learn?
Why is our view of Woman so?
The gleam of the Patriarchy is too enticing to those who would change
And damning to those who refuse.
But they should be very afraid.
The righteous might of Woman is a force to be reckoned with.
Because, after all...

Hell hath no fury like a Woman scorned.
Jul 2019 · 107
I Saw You In a Dream
Ariel Jul 2019
I saw you in a dream the other night
You were beautiful and perfectly alright
You smiled at me and I think my heart broke
For I haven’t seen that in so long, I think it was a cruel joke
You hurt so good, you feel so bad
I want you back, but I know it will never be my path.

I saw you in a dream
You smiled at me
Love radiated from your heart
When I awoke, I nearly fell apart
What a cruel trick to play on me
Not when I’m still grieving?

I saw you in a dream
I know it’s a sign
I have to stop the delay and just say, it’s over, fine
I miss you so, but I hurt so much more
For when I saw you, I wanted to die.

I saw you in a dream,
You were looking at me
With such a soft laugh and a half-lie
Nothing could make me stop this,
No matter how hard I try.
For this could never be enough.

I saw you in a dream
And I felt my heart scream
I wanted to steal you away
Maybe hold you hostage
But this, I know, would not be true
For you are yours, I could never do that to you
Still I felt my soul rend at your sweet face
For in the end, you’re not one I can erase.

I saw you in a dream
I wanted to forget
But still you remain
A taunt, a trick
You haunt my sleep and my wake
You are the demon I cannot shake
I miss you and hate you
To me, it’s all the same.
Saw you in a dream—the Japanese House
Jul 2019 · 131
Angry
Ariel Jul 2019
I’ve got no right to be angry
After all, you were never mine
I’ve got no right to be angry
But I feel it all the time
You were never mine to have
But she still drives me ****** mad
Yeah the way you kiss her drives me mad
I’ve got no right to be angry
Yet I’m caught staring at this daydream
Wondering what you would feel like beneath my skin

Every time I think I’m over you
Every time I think I’ve had enough
You manage to say something that makes my heart stop and my mind race
My happiness fades and I’m left with these pieces of broken glass
All of that hope, shattered and wasted
No matter how long I take
No matter how hard I try
I can’t get over you
I can’t stop myself from caring, so here, I cry
You leave me desolate, but you are my oasis
It hurts to see you sad and lonely
But it hurts even more to see your heart soar
I just want the pain to stop
I just want to look at you and not want to **** your brains out
I just want my best friend back.
I would give my soul if it would make everything okay between us.
I miss you so much.
But I miss my happiness, too. Every time I see you my mind screams with jealousy over stupid things that you do
I want to monopolize your time
But that’s not for me to choose.
Every time I think I’m over you
You decide to do something small, something new
You change your hair
You change your clothes
Every time, I break a little more.
You couldn’t be more perfect for me in all that you are; the only way, love, was if you felt for me the same way I do for you.
Jul 2019 · 158
I wish someone would notice
Ariel Jul 2019
I want to scream, I want to cry
This ache in my chest is so unbearable
I am so very not okay, and I just want to know why.
I was perfectly fine, not two days before
What was it that tipped the scales this time?

I just wish someone would notice
That I'm dying inside a little more every day
This ache that pulsates inside
It's driving me insane
It's not something I can ignore, it occupies my every thought
Why, oh why, was I made this way?

My stomach churns and I want to hide
At this point, feeling pain is better anyway
This emptiness is saddening and not okay
But I nonetheless rake my nails over my skin, hoping to feel anew.

You’ve left me, love.
There’s nothing left of us here.
I’ve felt this a long time coming, but still it hurts now that I know you’re nowhere near.
You’re never coming back.
Of this much, I’m aware.
I just wish you could have noticed
My awful descent into this despair.

Would you have stayed, if you’d noticed?
I doubt it, I swear
You seem to have lost your care
For this, I despair.

I wish someone would notice
I’m drowning, I’m dying
I can’t seem to breathe.
“Keep going!”—instead I wheeze
Soft thoughts drift across my diamond mind
Unable to escape, this time.

I suppose it’s best that no one will notice.
I’m the strong one, I can’t afford to despair.
No one will notice, this I swear.
They mustn’t be aware of how very broken I am.
I’m here for them! I will never let them know
Vulnerability isn’t an option for me
My broken heart, mind, body—this, they will never see.
(Would they even care?)
“She’ll get through it, she’s stronger than this”
“I doubt she wants help, she likes doing things on her own”
(In the end, I seriously doubt it.)
(After all, we’re all drowning down here.)
Everything hurts and I’m dying

But it’s fine
Jul 2019 · 104
Not Perfect / Baggage
Ariel Jul 2019
I know I’m not perfect.
I never claimed to be.
But honestly, love,
She’s much less perfect than me.

I expected more from her, maybe less from you
All I know is that this feels so wrong, love
She shouldn’t be with you.
I thought she was my friend, but now she’s gone too
You’ve stolen her away, love
I expected more from you.

I know I’m not perfect. That much is true.
But when you said you didn’t want my baggage, love,
I suppose that wasn’t true.
She has more problems than I do.
She’s been abused and scarred and is aggressively neurotic
She’s positively catatonic
When nothing goes her way, she makes an embarrassing display
So why, love, did you choose her?

She’s a walking skeleton, with hollow eyes and a plain face
I know I’m not a super model, love
But even I can see that she looks out of place.

I’m not perfect, love
She knows it, you know it, I do too
But someday you’ll see, love
She’s got more baggage than even you.

She’s so different from what you call attractive
I can’t discern why she’s with you
I can only guess that you don’t know her at all.
If you knew the large amounts of baggage she carries, you’d run away from her too.

She must be lying to you, love.
Either about her life, or about who she is.
Putting her best foot forward is different, love, if she’s withholding the truth.

I know I’m not perfect, this much I do
But I hope you’re not true
Because, after all, love, she’s much less perfect than you.

I have the feeling you’re a revenge ****. Her ex hates you with all his being.
I almost wish that were true, love.
Because I’d give anything for this to not be real.
When your best friend starts dating your friend, it feels like all hell breaks loose.
Jun 2019 · 84
Narcotic
Ariel Jun 2019
Because you are to me narcotic
You’re slowly killing me with this lethargy
I really need it to stop
But I don’t want you to stop

But if you don’t go
I know
That my heart will surely stop

Because you are so narcotic
Together we’re so lethargic
And I’m begging you to stop
Maybe we aren’t meant to be
And you know you’re killing me
But we both know that you aren’t gonna stop

My heartbeat is slowing now
As the time has come
We are joined now
As I feel your apathy
It has become my own
And I can’t help
But stop



I feel it in my veins
It’s stopping all my pain
But is this what you had wanted?
I’ll be forever haunted
The whispers in my blood are slowly dying out
You should make this time truly count

For if you go
My heart will surely stop

You are my narcotic
You make my pain go away
You dull the sharp edges
You make the world blur
You’re my narcotic
And I don’t want you to stop.
I found this poem in an old notebook. No date, so I have no idea what spurred this on. Oops. It’s really weird.
Apr 2019 · 132
Rage
Ariel Apr 2019
It’s funny how life is
How my biggest fear in life—no, it didn’t happen to me
It touched my best friend instead.

He did something unspeakable
She is broken now
And all I am filled with is unquenchable
Undeniable
Rage.

I want to tear him limb from limb
I want to beat him black and blue
Make his face unrecognizable
Make him regret the things he did to her.
Make him rue the day he made his greatest mistake.

You see, I’m not just a girl.
Beneath all of the soft lines and playful words,
I am a hurricane.
When it comes to her, I will give no mercy.
She is before anyone else in this world.
Like the Hulk, I am filled with rage.

I want to rip and tear
I want to cause him pain
For she has been broken
And I want to stop her hurt.
After all of my promises that I wouldn’t let anything happen to her,
There was nothing I could do.

Maybe that’s where my rage originates.
I wasn’t there when she needed me.
Well, darling, I’m coming.
And I carry the rage of woman behind me.
It was something I hoped I would never say.
Apr 2019 · 179
Remembering
Ariel Apr 2019
Though you’re long dead and gone
I can’t help but wonder how it might’ve went
If you’d come in that day.
I wouldn’t have lost a part of my heart
I wouldn’t have cried out my eyes
I would’ve seen your beautiful smile
What I wouldn’t give to see it one last time.

Sometimes I think you were my first true love
More than a crush, because I remember you.
Your soft voice and your sweet eyes
You towered over me but you were so kind
You made me laugh and you made me cry
But, darling, why—
I didn’t want it to end that way.

I was going to ask you to homecoming.
I never got the chance.
I never knew how you felt, darling—
I wish I had more time.
Because I simply can’t stop remembering—
No, no matter how hard I try.

Though you’re dead and gone
Up amongst the stars
I can’t help but wonder
What we could’ve been like.
Days filled with laughter, sitting beneath the pines
Talking about everything and nothing
You could’ve been mine.

We danced that year
What a wonderful night
You were the first time my heartbeat raced
Dear old friend of mine.
I sometimes wish I could stop remembering
But I know that would be a lie.
Because though you’re dead and gone, darling,
I still wonder from time to time.
We were so young. I wish he never committed suicide.
Apr 2019 · 175
What If
Ariel Apr 2019
What if we kissed in the moonlit snow
Hidden behind that low brick wall
Surrounded by the vines?
What if you could hold me close
And never want to let go
When all was said and done?
What if we could be happy
Ever after, after all
Could it be true love?

If only these things happened in reality,
If only it wasn’t just a dream.

Yes, I dreamt of you last night.
I thought of others as I drifted off to sleep
But none of them can keep my headspace.
I want to die every day
Waiting
Wanting
Hurting.
I dreamt of you and it was so real that when I woke up I cried a little.
Because though I could still feel your breath on my skin and the bite of the cold
It wasn’t real.
You don’t love me.
My life feels a waste.
To love so deeply and be slapped in the face
With the words, “I don’t feel for you that way”
God is a cruel master
I feel like dying
For it was so real, so lovingly true (at least to me,)
That when I woke up
I died a little.

What if we really caressed as lovers do
Under the falling icy sky
Deep within the brambles?
What if we really touched and loved and smiled
Living for one another
Under that grey sky?
What if we really were as one
And my days were not wasted pining
And I was truly happy?

What if I could find someone who pushed you out of my mind?
Can I even hope to be happy?
I doubt it, love
Because until I can
I will continue to want to die.
Hnnng I thought I was over him but nahhhh life isn’t that fair
Apr 2019 · 174
Obnoxious
Ariel Apr 2019
You didn’t have to say it.
There were a million other ways you could’ve phrased it.
You could’ve said I wasn’t giving you the right attention, in the right ways.
You could’ve said you needed space.
You knew it was the jab that would hurt the most,
And yet, still, you said it.

It hurts so deep I swear it was a blade
That marked this mind and tears at these eyes
For the sadness that falls is, for once, not for you, my love—
It’s because of you.

You aren’t okay, but you won’t open up.

This, I know.

What I don’t is why you would decide to rip at the biggest insecurity, to aim for my seams.
Calling me obnoxious was the final nail in this coffin
Something I hoped you’d never say
You promised you wouldn’t, love—
But I see that promise has gone away.

It’s been building for a while now
The reluctance you have to let me in
To let me help ease the pain, to let me listen and be your friend
You can’t see past what I feel inside
Even though I was willing to.
I just wanted to be close to you, love—
But it seems that I’ve ruined that, too.

No... It’s not entirely my fault, I’ve done all I can,
But you’re a broken man...
I can’t fix you.
You deny it all you want, you’re just as undone as the rest of us.
I was just trying to help.
You didn’t have to call me that.

This is what I get for opening up
I don’t know why I thought it could be different with you.
I opened up and gave you the map to my biggest weaknesses
You knew exactly where to hit your mark
This just might be fatal, love—this blood that rushes from within
If it is, it’s your fault.

You deceived me with those soft brown eyes and those long eyelashes, promising kindness and innocence.
You’ve broken that promise, love—
I’m afraid I cannot stay
This is verging on abusive behavior, love—
As much as I rend my clothes and feel this ache, I’m afraid I have to go away.
I can’t stop the sadness from running down my face.
Apr 2019 · 98
In Between
Ariel Apr 2019
This distance between us, I feel it killing me from the inside
Despite your reassurances everything will be okay
I still want to cry.
You're leaving me slowly, day by day.

I want him, but he isn't here
Even though he isn't you, I had hope for the future.
I wanted him, I still do
But it's hard to try when I keep thinking of you.

I keep getting caught in the in-between.

He's already said, "I love you"
Of that, I'm not entirely sure
But his lips felt better than yours ever did
And now, I'm of two worlds.

I've wanted him since he first started to speak
With those dulcet tones so deep
His smile and laugh were all too sweet
But he still remains out of reach.

I keep getting caught in the in-between.

I ridicule those who cannot choose
Despite the fact that, with this decision, I am in their shoes.
He understands me, but not like you do
I hate my brain and how it overthinks, especially when it comes to you.

I haven't heard from him in months
Over this, my heart aches
I worry that he isn't okay
For the things his parents screamed about not long ago are too worrying to say.
This is no longer relevant, the person I talk about isn’t in my life anymore, but it was too pretty to delete. Just know that this is no longer true for me, not about the unnamed “he”.
Apr 2019 · 140
Days Like These
Ariel Apr 2019
I hate days like these.
My limbs are lead and I can’t seem to make a sound
I don’t want to move
But I have no “real” excuse.
My head is heavy and I struggle to stay awake
This is the risk I have to take.
I need to get up, I have to move,
The ground is so much more comfortable than I would have possibly understood.

I hate days like these, but
I must keep going, though I can’t describe my desire to stop
They will never understand these negativities floating in my head.
Tears gather at my eyelids, unshed sadness overpowered by lethargy
I cannot move, and I don’t think I want to even if I could

I hate days like these, I swear
Music blares all around me as I struggle to feel something else
Trying to recall a happy memory that isn’t tainted by you.
Nothing is okay, nothing is as it seems
I smile and hide behind this mask
(Let’s face it, they’d never understand)
Pretend to be happy when inside I’m close to breaking
I can’t give in, I must power through
I don’t know if I can, but I must try.

I hate days like these.
My body is heavy and I wish I could die
But even that would take effort that I don’t have
I feel like a statue, rusted and unable to feel
I don’t know if I can make it
My body betrays me, showing a glimpse into my deadened mind
I want to ask for help, but know none will come
Sympathy is not the same.

I hate days like these. They come without my control.
I cannot predict them, I cannot prepare
They come out of nowhere
I feel nothing,
I feel pain
Physical pain and emotional emptiness
This is not what I wanted to do with my day

I hate days like these.
I have so many plans I need to do, so much I want to experience
Why does this happen at the worst of times?
Why couldn’t it happen in the solitude of a Saturday, when I have nothing to do and no worries to plague me?
Anxiety courses through my mind, but my body won’t respond
My brain screams at me, unable to control its vessel
I’m not in the drivers seat
This is my dilemma, dead and horribly alive all at once.
I hate days like these, but they won’t stop.
Apr 2019 · 182
Want
Ariel Apr 2019
The worst part is, you feel like something I need
And not just someone I want.
You feel like more than a desire
More than an object of lust
More than I deserve...
But I can’t shake what I feel for you.

You feel like something I need, it’s unexplainable
I can’t get you out of my head
You’re more than just a want
You’re everything and more
And you feel like something I need.

I don’t just want you in one way
I want us to live together,
To sleep together,
To breathe together,
To simply be together—
Everything about you is intoxicating,
I just want to be set free.

If I could stop feeling
If you didn’t make me feel some type of way
I would be happier, more whole, and I could actually mean what I say.
I don’t want to want you
I don’t want to need you
And yet here I am, nonetheless, feeling some type of way.
It’s more than want, and it’s killing me a little more every day.
Whoo boy this is not a great feeling, is it?
Apr 2019 · 359
Psychotic
Ariel Apr 2019
How strange this is to me
A feeling that is completely new
I don't know how to exist, now, without you.
This odd intuition, knowing that I'm incomplete
I'm "not all there"--
I'm not well.

They say I'm psychotic
Well, hell, maybe I'm just bitter
I'm a cynic, I'll admit it
But am I psychotic?
How would I tell?
I don't always feel crazy
Sometimes just a little
Maybe if you show up with a new hickey on your neck, when I’ve been nowhere near you

Maybe I’m insane
I think I might be psychotic
I’m letting my lips touch another that isn’t you
He doesn’t have any red flags, he’s perfectly fine
But despite all of his positive traits,
He isn’t you.
Maybe I really am psychotic
Letting myself use this boy when my thoughts are on you
He’s genuine and kind, but unlike you, he can’t read my mind.

I feel genuinely psychotic
I can’t get you out of my mind
Others whisper “obsession” but it’s not even close
I keep my distance like you asked, I’m not a fool.
I hate what you do to me, and I hate what I do to him
I type sweet nothings, with a few dark things in between
Blood in the ledger, will it ever come clean?

I think I really am psychotic, trying to give myself to him when I know I cannot
Despite how many times I’ve been wronged by others, the only thing I want is you.
He doesn’t deserve this, it’s so ******* dumb
I’m using him and it’s making me numb
I should just tell him I’m done
But I don’t know if I want to be alone.
The worst is that I do, but I don’t.
I wish I didn’t have to deal with the doubt when he’s not around, because as soon as he isn’t, all I can see is you.

When I’m with him, it’s great
We click pretty easily
He’s a little naive, but he’s young and has a big heart
Yet I feel so psychotic
He’s so sweet and asks along the way
Why does it feel so psychotic?
I coo and say I’m having the time of my life
I hate that in my head, I feel like I’m just spewing lies.
Because, after all, it’s you that I think of late at night.
So, call me psychotic for wanting what I can’t have.
**** me for being a liar,
Hurt me and atone my sins,
Crucify me and bleed me dry—
But don’t once say that I never loved you.
You were the only one I did.
Apr 2019 · 481
Yearning
Ariel Apr 2019
I feel like I’m swimming in darkness,
Unable to find the light.
Nothing is as it seems.
I yearn for you, I churn for you, but is it the same?
I must be going insane.
Why do I question every little thing?
Why do I doubt your ways?
I simply want you to want me, I guess I’m tired of playing these games
I hate losing at this mental chess
Especially when I know I’m simply playing against myself.
You’re not my enemy.
And yet, out of all the things I wish I could forget,
You will never be on that list, love—
To forget you is to die a slow death.
Jan 2019 · 133
Breathless
Ariel Jan 2019
What is this feeling
Deep inside my stomach
The ache that happens when I’m reminded
Of everything before?

You existed before I knew you
I know this, it’s true
So why can’t I shake this darkness in my core? Why can’t I breathe around you?

This is something with which I am unfamiliar
This particular feeling of both hunger and satiety
I haven’t wanted to eat for days, but I force it down my throat
It turns to lead in my stomach
Why can’t I cease this ache?

When your eyes meet mine
I’m breathless
I’m so in love it hurts
I’ve been trying to escape this
But in the end, my efforts have no worth.

Irrevocable, undeniable
I cannot help this
Your smile shouldn’t be this indescribable
I’m breathless when it comes to you.

All thoughts cease
My heart races at your casual touch
You’re all I want
And that’s why it hurts.
Jan 2019 · 118
Suffocate Me
Ariel Jan 2019
Suffocate me with your eyes
Be the cause of my glorious demise
**** me softly, save your breath
There is nothing in you I regret

Sometimes I forget to breathe
Sometimes I cannot speak
I lose myself in you all at once
You make me lose my mind, I'm insane
How do you destroy me so beautifully?
Why do you break me?
What is it in each other that we find?
Why is it you find in me your delight?

Suffocate me with your eyes
Don't stop me, let me die
**** me softly, use that breath
There is nothing I don't regret.

You make me unable to breathe
With you around, I cannot speak
I lose myself along the way
You lead me along the path and before you know it, I'm gone
I'm insane
How do you destroy me in such a brilliant way?
Why do you break me to suit you?
What is it that, in me, you seem to like?
Why is it you delight in my pain?

Suffocate me with your eyes
Stop me in my tracks, let me cease
**** me softly with feather-light breath
Press those lips close to this skin
So that there will be nothing I will regret.

I'm unable to breathe
I cannot speak
You make me so unbearably weak
I've lost myself, and I've found you instead
Have I gone completely insane?
Maybe you can exist in my stead
I feel insane
Maybe you should just leave me to break
To exist in this gory glory
Stop this heart, halt these thoughts
Delight in my ache
Find joy in my spite
And, in the end,
Love me with all of your might.
Jan 2019 · 677
Incubus
Ariel Jan 2019
I don’t know how to love myself
But maybe I can like myself someday.
Perhaps I’ll find comfort in my own eyes
And not within yours.
I will someday look at my reflection
And be ready to take on the world.

Tell me how to beat this
Whisper your secrets to me, Incubus
Tell me what I'm doing wrong.
Because, despite everything you say and how much it hurts,
I am powerless to resist your song.

You smile at me, with eyes like the earth:
Soft and warm and open.
How do you ensnare me so?
You barely utter a syllable and I am helpless to your siren's call.
Leave me be, Incubus. Let me be free!
For I am caught in your clutches, when this was never meant to be.

Kiss me softly, Incubus--
Touch your lips to my collarbone,
Let me feel your hands upon mine;
Press your body close.
You never wanted this,
No, you never wanted me.

Release me from this prison
Stop my fall by design
You are giving me beautiful strangulation
You suffocate me all of the time.
With your quiet words and beautiful turn of phrase
You know exactly how I am built,
And thus how to make me fall apart.

You are the Sun, the Moon, and my Star--
Your lovely voice could make me weak if properly applied.
You are my Everything, my One,
Everyone else pales to compare.
Stop it now, my dear Incubus!
You grieve me so!
Your words have more power than anyone else
The power to make me soar--or descend into the depths of hell.

Hold me closely, Incubus--
Stop the curtain as it draws near
I beg for release from your sinful words.
You provoke me in the most delectable way
Leaving me with nothing at the end of the day.
Such is torture, misery, suffering--
But in the best possible way.

Someday, perhaps, I shall be free.
With death or some other release--
Perhaps a blue-eyed boy will come along and erase all of the pain you've caused.
My dearest hope, though, is for you to see me as I see you:
Eyes full of love for someone so perfect it hurts.
I won't dwell on this, at least I'll try
For we deserve to try to live, Love--
Else we'll surely die.

Save me now, my Incubus;
Please don't let me succumb to the dark.
You're all I want in life
Anything else would be a cruel joke,
A fallacy,
A lie.
Anything else would make me want to die.
Weeeeell I thought I was over this but apparently not. One look, one smile, and I'm completely undone. FML.
Dec 2018 · 68
Doubt
Ariel Dec 2018
Though I'm better and I will not recede to that dark place,
My mind is not without doubt.
Anxiety fills this mind and my eyes lock on the parts of my body I could do without.
I don't often like how I look,
Though I don't hate what I see.
(I may never be a fan, but that's something for another day.)
My little voices like to point out all of my insecurities--

Yes, this mind is filled with doubt.
Family and friends chitter and laugh--
"What do you mean? Stop being a pout!"
They don't see what I see
In the end, that's not a bad thing
But still--this mind is full of doubt.

My stomach isn't flat enough.
My skin isn't smooth enough.
My hair is too dull.
My chin has a bit too much fluff.
I weigh too much, I'm obnoxious,
Nothing I say will ever stop my ugliness.


This mind isn't without doubt.
I will try as hard as I possibly can  
I will overcome this.
I'm strong enough. I am.
But please, for now--understand.
This mind is full of doubt.
I sometimes forget how worthy I am.
Dec 2018 · 90
Distance
Ariel Dec 2018
I regret this distance between us
The length that could span entire galaxies
Something I hoped I would never have to see
When you pull--when you look away from me.

I miss this closeness we once shared
The times when nothing else could stop us
I guess I loved you, more than you could bear--

You're trying to save me.

I know you are.

You want to stop my rapid descent towards the rocks and tides below.
That's something you don't understand, love.
I'm already there.
My heart has already decided.
It's more than I want, but I'm helpless.

You care enough to try to spare me the heartache that you know you cause
You want to leave me in one piece, alive, whole
But, oh, darling--you don't even know!
You shatter me every day, but you remake me into something beautiful and new. Different from before.

It sounds strange, love.
But you cannot do anything to halt the tides.

Though you would try, this heart cannot beat for anyone but you.
These tides are set in the moon,
And I, like her, revolve around you.

Such a strange sensation
To come so close to losing you.
You say you're not going anywhere, but I know you will leave.
They always do.
Despite your better efforts to remain apart from everyone else, I see right through you.
You're just the same.
They're just like you.

I regret this distance between us, love.
I haven't quite yet accepted my fate.
You say you miss me and want to see me,
But do not make the effort.
I miss the days you wanted to talk every day.
I think that's the hurt that will never go away.
Dec 2018 · 49
Forget A Little
Ariel Dec 2018
Sometimes I wanna forget a little,
The times when your eyes locked on mine
Perhaps those stolen moments when I couldn't tell
Your boundaries seemed to blur,
We couldn't be anything more...

Sometimes I wanna forget a little,
Stop the replays running through my brain
Put an end to all of the feelings that come rushing back
But I don't know where to look.
What moment in time could I possibly erase?
I don't know what I could possibly do that would ease this pain.
There's no way to know what tiny action of yours spelled my doom
What prolonged glance, what specific touch sent me spiraling over the edge.

Sometimes I wanna forget a little.
Just a few little things.
Something to just--take away the pain.
I know I don't hurt as bad as before,
I hope I never again feel that depth of ache
But that doesn't mean everything stopped.

I see the distance in your eyes as you look away,
Something here will never be the same.
What could I do to mend this break?
What has changed?
Something will never be the same.

I want to go back to how we were before
When everything was still beautiful and new
Our long talks on the patio with the sun in the sky
Watching the birds fly overhead our little deserted place
Where no one intruded and we were at peace.

Though nothing will ever be the same, I miss it still
I remember all of the hurt you've been caused
I remember all of the small things that, together, spelled my love for you.
The way your voice could be just for me
The eyes that could see into my soul
What did you see that you didn't like?
Do you regret all of this hurt that you've caused?
Don't stop on my account, love--it is such a decadent pain.
Nothing you could do would make me go away.
No hurt would be too great.
Perhaps it's a little self-destructive--but since when did you care, anyway?
You're already doing to yourself a thousand times worse than anything I could try to replicate,
Even I don't hate myself as much as you...

Sometimes I wanna forget a little.
Stop the memories playing in my head
End the secret whispers that only I know
I don't want to know all of the insecurities beneath the muscles and pretty eyes
I don't want to know what makes you tick.
Maybe it was better when it was love from afar.

Sometimes I wanna forget a little.
Lose that caress, ignore that murmur
Stop the soft moments and end the seconds that screeched to a halt
The moments that lasted for hours but ended too fast all at once
I just wish I could forget what I've lost.
Dec 2018 · 54
Better
Ariel Dec 2018
If you look closely, you'll see
I'm not as broken as I used to be.
My smile is a little wider,
My eyes a little brighter,
My heart a little lighter.

I've learned to live again
An independence that was once lost
It has been unearthed, it has found refrain
No more than a week did it cost;
Vitality once again flows through these veins.

I'm better, now.
I don't let the small things touch my mind
Stress has left me, something that only time can profess
I am not as unkind
I will continue to get better.
This, I will vow.

Tears will not streak down this face
Blades will not grace this skin
I have made myself stronger through ache,
Though it was a hard battle fought,
I am better. I will not quake.
I am steadfast in myself.
This is not someone you can easily break.
Dec 2018 · 49
Someone Else
Ariel Dec 2018
Is it even possible?
I still love you,
(I don't think that will ever stop)
Yet it doesn't ache as much when you're around.
Sometimes my chest still lurches when you comment on someone else
But it isn't as dire as before.

When you smile at me, my heart still soars
When we lock eyes, I feel as though I can't breathe
This may never change, love,
Even if you find someone else.

I found time for myself,
I took a break from the world
I let my mind wander
I left the old me behind.
We are still much the same,
With jokes and references galore, laughter and smiles abound--
But my self-image is much more sound.
I don't hate what I see looking back at me
When I catch the mirror's eye
I feel... almost alright.

I tested the waters with someone else;
At first, the world seemed right
We had much in common, it was almost perfect
But he wasn't ready, still hung up on someone else.
It hurt, I'll admit
But I think I always knew he wasn't an option
He was just a stepping-stone.

I discovered many a thing about myself through him:
I don't want lips on my lips,
I just want a body to hold close.
I already have everything I truly need.

It hurts, but not as bad as before
For now, my heart is once again able to soar
My friends love me,
As do you
So, for now,
Until I find someone else,
I am content. I am happy. I will be okay.
Until you find someone else.
Dec 2018 · 59
Almost Okay
Ariel Dec 2018
Maybe I'm not okay,
But I'm not as blue.
I'm much happier today
Than I was a month ago, or even two.

I don't hurt as deeply,
I feel alright--
I can stand on my own two feet
I'm able to exist under my own might.

I don't think about dying every night.
Even when I'm painted in those brilliant red hues
As embarrassment dusts my cheeks,
I'm alright.

Better than alright.
I might even be almost okay.
Is that even possible?
Is that something I can do?
I'm better than alright,
I might almost be okay.
My story isn't over yet.
Nov 2018 · 1.7k
I Regret Ever Feeling At All
Ariel Nov 2018
I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe I should just stop--
Stop trying
Stop feeling
Just... stop.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe I should just end it
Would anyone care?
Would anyone notice?
Maybe I should just stop.

I regret ever feeling at all
Harden my walls, forget my heart
Decide that nothing, no one, is worth my pall
I wish I didn't have to become numb to be okay,
Just to make the pain go away.

I regret ever feeling at all
I want to be strong
But, I should've known all along:
I feel too deeply to be healthy,
Especially when people are involved.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe I want to die
Maybe just a line at my wrist
(The X-Acto knife in my drawer would do the trick)
But no, perhaps not (I am not a fan of pain)
Bleeding out takes far too long
I don't think I could take it, anyway.

I regret ever feeling at all
The voices in my head say I'm worthless
No wonder everyone's gone
I can't attract anyone, I'm too broken
The deadness in my eyes belies a dormant predator
Watch out, I'm a hidden monster
I may catch you in my claws before a single word has been spoken
Beware the darkness of a shattered heart,
It will be far too sharp.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe this is for the best
Maybe I'll finally learn my lesson
And never have to trust again
I'm blowing this out of proportion
This is so much worse in my head
But you said I should spend time with myself, love,
No matter how many times I wish myself dead.

I regret ever feeling at all
I am so far out of my depth
I don't know what to do, love
I wish you could see this mess from my shoes.
This constant nagging ache, I wish it'd go away.

I regret ever feeling at all
I want to hate you,
To lose the pang in my stomach when you wear bruises on your neck
Your trophies are the cause of my heartbreak
Why can't you just stay away?

I regret ever feeling at all
I wish my friends could stand being around me
But maybe they sense the monster within
Who hungers jealously for that which she cannot have
Who lusts for the flesh of one who does not love her
Who, deep down, wants to hurt everyone who wrongs her.

I regret ever feeling at all
This darkness is so suffocating
Why did I have to, for you of all people, fall?
When you cannot feel the same
When all I get from you is pain
I love you, I hate you, I feel all of the above.

I regret ever feeling at all
This horrible, deadening cold
It seeps through my limbs
All I want is a hand to hold,
Someone to chase the demons away,
Someone who can love me as much as I love you,
Someone who wants to save me from myself,
As much as I do you.

I regret ever feeling at all
Maybe if I disappeared, you'd wonder what you did wrong
Maybe you'd actually call
Would you feel any of my regret?
Would you feel the hurt you cause?
I don't know that, love,
I just know I regret ever feeling at all.
Nov 2018 · 116
Cold Hands
Ariel Nov 2018
I'm always so cold
I don't know what to do anymore
I'm a frozen fortress, untouchable
Until I see you, love,
Until I see you.

You make these cold hands thaw
You send this heart beating again
I want nothing less than to feel this all of the time
I want to remain as alive as I am when I'm with you.
Your warmth is the only light in my darkness,
Though I know it's untrue for you--
I can't help it, love.

I'm always chilled to the bone
I feel like I could freeze water with my touch,
Like I could shatter someone with a single icy gaze
Until I see you, love,
Until I see you.

You make these cold hands thaw
I feel again when I'm with you
I'm made real, I'm no longer a mirage
I want nothing in life than to make you feel it, too.
Because you make me feel alive,
More than ever before.
Though I know it's untrue for you--
But I still can't help it, love. I've fallen for you.

I'm always so above it all
I pretend to not acknowledge that I'm not fine
But you should know the truth--
I'm never fine
Not until I see you, love--
Not until I see you.

You make these cold hands thaw
You break the ice that cages this dead heart
You make me feel alive,
But I don't know what to do
Because, if anything, I do the opposite for you.
Nov 2018 · 538
Whispers
Ariel Nov 2018
I don’t let anyone know what I’m really thinking
The whispers in my head are only for me
They say things that I’d rather not admit
They hurt me in more than one way.

The whispers are cruel and soft
They chip away at my self-esteem
They voice all of my concerns, they tear me apart by the seams
But no one can know, not anyone at all
You’d probably put me in a straight jacket
For the things they say to me.

They understand me like only I could
They know everything behind what I do
They sound like me—
But the things they say? I wish I didn’t agree.
They’re so intrinsically me.
I despise them, but I know they’re right.

“I’m unloved.”
“No one thinks I’m attractive. I disappear among all of the others in the room.”
“They don’t really like me.”
”I’m so stupid, my friends don’t care for me as much as I do for them.”

If only I could transfer a tiny percent of my love for my friends to myself,
I think I would be fine.
I wish I didn’t hate myself
But it’s such a thin line
In a way, I’m a blade runner
In that I walk the edge of my sanity on a day to day basis.

I wish I didn’t listen to the whispers.
I wish everyone knew I’m not fine.
But I don’t want your sympathy, no, not that.
I just want you to understand.
The whispers at night when I’m all alone
The voices that tell me I should just be a rotting pile of bones
All I want is to silence them,
But to do that, I would have to cease existing.

I’m tired of wanting to die
I’m tired of these endless whispers telling me I’m not enough
I’m tired of the girl that sounds like me
I just want to feel happy for once in my life
I’m tired of pretending to be fine when I’m not
I just want to be.
Nov 2018 · 59
Do You Know?
Ariel Nov 2018
Do you know how much it hurts?
If you did, would you even care?
I'm dying slowly from the ache.
I don't know what to say.

Will you **** me, dear?
Will you be the cause of my death?
It feels as though I'm already dying,
I sometimes wish I was dead--
I would do anything, love, so I could stop feeling
Because anything and everything, right now, is far too much.

You bare my sins to your soul
There's nothing I can hide
The only thing I can, love, is how much I want to die
You see everything else
You know what is behind most of my jokes
You want to help, love
But you don't.

Do you really want to know?

Do you?

Probably not.

You're still struggling and healing
You have things to work through for yourself.
I just wish I could get over this whole thing
You're a ******* and the cause of so much pain
I shouldn't love you, and yet I do
For the things you don't let any of our friends see
No, only me.

**** me, please.
You don't know, and that's the worst.
But I'm not going to tell you, dear.
I'll suffer in silence, for, to you, that's all I'm worth.
Silence and empty messages
Strings of words and faded thoughts
All I want is for this pain to stop
Do you know this, dear?
No.
I think not.
Nov 2018 · 253
Dilemma
Ariel Nov 2018
I don't even know what to do anymore
I hate how you always dominate my mind
If I could move on, don't you think I would?
I just want the pain to stop, but it won't
Do you see my dilemma?
Do you understand what's going on?
With you around, I can never notice anyone.

No matter how hard I try, you keep me preoccupied
Even when that cutie across the way smiles at me
All I can think, is why don't you look at me like that?
Do you see my dilemma, now?
You say you don't believe in love
You're evidence enough that soulmates exist
I just want to be your everything
And the problem is, until I fall out of love
(Something I don't ever want to do)
Everyone else will be second place
When compared to you.

Do you see my dilemma?
I can't even think about anyone else
I try so hard to be distracted by something, anything--
But you've got me smitten
I've fallen so hard for you.

I'm not interested in anything but forever with you.
Do you see this dilemma?
We're at an impasse, we're stuck
All because stupid me had to fall in love
This constant ache in my chest
What will take it away? I can't even guess
I just wish you would do something to make me fall out of love
So that the ******* pain would stop.

I just want to hold you close
I want your skin on mine all of the time
Our hands that are perfect in size
The height of yours that makes you perfect for me to kiss
You had to be made for me
So why won't this dilemma end?

You've been so distant lately
It makes me want to ******* die
Because I know you're trying to make sure you're not leading me on
Well, too late, love--I already delude myself every day.
You're slowly killing me
Simply from this growing space
All I want is to put that perfect smile back on your face.
Be my best friend again.
It doesn't matter how many times I break,
You know it will always be the same.

If I have to keep dying, if I have to leave or stay
Whatever it takes, love
I just want this dilemma to go away.
I would wait forever if I could
I might be stuck either way
Because no matter what
I can't get these feelings to dissipate.

Do you see my dilemma?
I just want to love you, make sure you're protected
I want to lock your heart away in a golden box,
So no one will ever hurt you again
You're everything and nothing, to me, my dear
Oh, why won't this dilemma go away?
oof ******* **** me please
Nov 2018 · 80
No Matter
Ariel Nov 2018
No matter how many times you break me
I'll keep crawling back to you
I'll even apologize for something I can't explain
Because despite everything, no matter how hard I try
You're like a disease, I can't get you out of my brain

No matter how many times you **** me from the inside out
I'll keep running back to you
Because tortured life with you around
Is far better than a life without
Despite my protests to the contrary,
When you're not here I become incredibly weak
Why do you do this to me?

No matter how many times I die for you
No matter how many times I self-crucify
I know you won't care,
You won't bat an eye
You'll frown and say, "It's not like I'm trying to hurt you,"
When you know exactly what it is that makes me die a little more every day

I can't even enjoy others
Because the thought of you with someone else makes me sick to my stomach
I hate how much it hurts
Because no matter how many times you destroy my carefully constructed walls
I will always return to you.
Nov 2018 · 131
I think I died a little
Ariel Nov 2018
I knew it was love
When I stopped caring about myself
And all I saw was you.
The world stopped spinning,
The planets all aligned,
And all I saw was you.

It was then, I think,
I died a little.
You feel nothing of the like for me
I know this, it's true
The stars shine, not for me, but for you
It was then,
I died a little.

When our messages became curt and short
When you became distracted by everyone else
I think I died a little.

I missed you more than my own vitality
I hurt more when she hurt you
I don't know what's wrong
All I know is,
I think I died a little.

I hope someday we can speak of this
I hope you will see how our souls are tied
Because I will, eventually, need you to know
Just how many times, for you,
I died.
Nov 2018 · 169
Deep Waters
Ariel Nov 2018
There are moments when I cannot let anyone see beneath my surface,
For what would they say if they knew how deep these waters go?

My smiles are light and airy, full of hope for tomorrow
But how much, about me, do you really know?
Do you see the stillness in my eyes, when she says the things that cause hurricanes below?

You may not notice, but that's the point.
No one should know how my waters run far too deep.
There are far happier people, who live normal lives
What must it be like?

How would it feel to want to live to see tomorrow, willingly, every day, for the rest of my life?
Would my eyes be a little brighter?
Would my gaze find love wherever it chose to roam?
I know not, I may never will--
For these waters run deep.

Pools of sadness that bleed for several leagues each
You cannot escape once you lose sight of the waves
The light can only reach so far, my dear,
Beyond that, it's just my demons and me.

Deep waters don't always run still
This, you will know
If you ever decide to take the leap,
Dare to peer into my dreams,
And discover what lies within my deep.

Thoughts as dark as ebony, urges to hurt the skin that covers me
You know not what lies beneath.
The hatred that fills my lungs as I gaze into a mirror
The hurt at my own innermost thoughts
"You're not ever good enough"
You have no idea how hard it is to shut them out.

I sequester myself away, struggling to stay afloat
But you have no clue how much effort it takes
For me to keep going, day to day.
I sometimes wish someone else knew that my waters run deep
I sometimes wish you knew how deep my love was for you
But then, dear,
I'd be afraid that you would drown.

For, if there is one thing of which I am certain,
It's that I will die a thousand deaths in my own mind
Before I let anyone (least of all you)
Know the extent of my dark.
I can't always control my depression to work for me, but when I do, I channel it into poetry.
Nov 2018 · 686
Dancing in the Dark
Ariel Nov 2018
Sometimes I feel like I'm just frozen in space,
Stuck in the fabric of time
Without a purpose, simply static
Not quite floating,
Not actively moving but not stopping either
Hurtling through the stars,
Simply dancing in the dark.

I don't act, I don't try;
I just find myself in the sky
Waiting for you to come, though you never do.
Give me a reason to stay, to leave,
Something to hint that we should be complete
I just want to stop being alone,
Stuck here,
Dancing in the dark.

It's such a shame to be alone
Here among this beauty that I can't appreciate
My mind won't stop focusing on you,
And your inability to reciprocate
So I will remain,
Swirling in this nebula of stars,
Dancing alone in the dark.

You don't want me here
But you can do nothing to stop me
So we're at an impasse, love--
Unable to continue, unable to desist
I just want you to end up in my arms,
But you know this will never work
So I'm frozen here
Forever in love, forever broken
Simply listening to your voice as it shatters the silence,
While we're dancing in the dark.

The sky is lit with a million stars
The void is painted with their light
Space screams with everything left unsaid
For I will, here, remain,
Crying into the nothingness as I am spent
I don't want to keep dancing in the dark.

Stop shutting me out.
You may think you hide it so well,
But I see you, love.
I may be blind in the daylight,
But I hear you loud and clear
You think you wear that mask with such aplomb
But I know you're really a ticking bomb
You're just like me, love
We may hear different tunes, we may not feel the same drums
But you are here too, dancing in the dark.

We're not so different after all.
I don't wanna cry after you,
But I know I will.
Here among the dying stars,
As the sun begins to overtake the sky
I'll keep dancing in the dark until the very end,
Until there's nothing, of me, that's left.
For, after all,
It was you that sent me spiraling into the night,
Awaiting death,
As I danced in the dark for you.
Music does things to me, I have no idea how such a simple thing can send me spiraling into a creative rabbit warren
Nov 2018 · 1.3k
Blooms
Ariel Nov 2018
Do you see them, love?
All of these small, pretty things?
Drops of crimson upon white
They float away from me, proof of my blight—
Do you see it now, love?
The blooms that have taken hold in me,
The roots that cramp my chest,
They leave little room for much else, love—
For in the end, love,
These blooms were for you.
The pain they caused,
The havoc they reaped,
Every last petal drips for you.
Do you see it now, love?
The stolen glances,
The soft caresses,
The smiles that were only for you?
I hope you see it now, love
And choke on it as hard as I have for you.
They have taken hold and they are not going to leave
These soft blooms that will inevitably spell my doom
I wish you could have seen it sooner, love—
For these petals I bleed, I bleed them all for you.
The blooms have taken over, now,
There’s really nothing left to do
Wait and watch in horror and aghast
As my lungs are drained of life
The thorns pierce my heart and veins, love—
Yes, there’s nothing here for you
Except to weep for all of the things you couldn’t see
But now, with death, you do.
A glorious cascade of beauty falls around me
Shades of red cover my face
Petals float among the spots in my vision
You cry in the unearthly still
As the heartbreak disease finds its purpose finally fulfilled.
Oops so apparently I’m obsessed with hanahaki, hooray
Oct 2018 · 52
Remember Me
Ariel Oct 2018
Sometimes I want you to know how much you hurt me,
But then I stop that thought in its tracks.
Because no matter how many times you hurt me,  
I'd much rather take the pain and spare you.
Despite the ache you leave, I'll never subject you to the pain you cause.
Because I care for you more than I'll admit
I want to protect you from everything, even if it means I have to die a little more every day.

So, remember me.
If there's one thing I want to say,
Remember me how I was, how I am, how I will always be.
Remember how I can laugh through the pain
No matter what comes my way,
I will keep standing for another day
Because no matter what, I will always keep you safe.
You will never know what it would feel like for me to cause you pain.

Remember me.
Remember the smiles even when I'm going to break
The good times and bad times that always looked the same
The conversations that kept us awake
Please, just remember me.
For you, darling, all of the dragons I will slay
I will always keep you safe
You will never know, because the last thing I want is to cause you pain.

Please, remember me.
The times when I caught your eye in more than one way
When I looked perfect and moon-kissed and undaunted by the day
I was beautiful and strong and unbreakable
Please, remember me in that way.
Not as I am now.
Depressed and aching and lonely.
This is not my identity. It will pass.
But for now, my love, don't remember me this way.
So I will hide it from you until I break.

For no one should ever have to suffer this pain.
Oct 2018 · 257
Confession
Ariel Oct 2018
This is my Magnum Opus, to the first boy I’ve ever loved.
The only lips I’ve wanted to kiss.
The only eyes I’ve wanted to drown in.
The only heart that I’ve wanted to possess.
For, after all of the *******, you were the first time I wanted everything.
I don’t even know how it happened so fast—the way my eyes magnetized directly to you, how I wanted you from the first time I caught your eye.
Call it fate, call it destiny—it doesn’t matter to me.
I just want you to love me, dear, as much as I love you.
Maybe I’m crazy.
After all, I’ve known you less than a month.
But I can’t help but feel as though some things were written in the stars.
I loved your face first. That soft smile and pretty eyes with lashes longer than the Nile.
Then I loved your laugh. So visceral and deep, yet soft and cute at the same time.
Your personality, though, that was when I knew I was doomed.
We loved the same movies. We were almost always on the same page. You showed me music that I’d never thought I’d enjoy; but somehow, you knew me so intrinsically.
I think you sealed the deal when I heard you sing.
If there’s one thing I’m defenseless against, it’s a boy who can sing.
Your voice was like melted caramel, so sweet and smooth and enticing—I was doomed from the moment I heard your siren call.
It didn’t help that you met my gaze as you sang, as though I was the only person in the world.
The passion in your face was enough to make me want to collapse. You should never have let me see those bedroom eyes.
I can’t get you out of my mind. Ever.
You’re always in my thoughts.
You whisper to me even when you’re not around.
I can hear what you would say if you were here.
It wouldn't be so bad if I could hide it, make it stop, ignore it.
But it hurts so much when I see you with someone new, you have no idea.
I feel the breath leave my lungs and the life leave my eyes
When I know you don't want me near
I hate myself for what I'm doing to my own heart and mind
But I know I'm defenseless against you.
Not with those soft doe eyes and a smile that makes my knees weak
Not with a scent that puts me completely at ease
I've been in love since I first laid eyes on you
And I may never fall out of love
But the biggest problem isn't that, love makes us human
The problem is, I can't stop the hurt.
The problem is how you have me wrapped around your little finger.
If I thought it would mean your happiness, I would tear myself apart
I would rip my heart from my chest
I would offer you the world at my expense
Because seeing you smile is all that I want.
It hurts when you want to be alone
Because I know how much I hate it.
I don't want to be alone, ever. Not when I could be with you.
You're the common thread in my nights, recently.
Whether we're tangled in my sheets or you're spitting insults, you can't seem to escape my dreams.
I wish it would stop
But all the same, I don’t want you to go
You’re all I want in life, but this makes it hurt all the more.
If only you could offer me something else
Something that I crave
I would be yours forever, darling,
But that’s a confession for another day.
Oct 2018 · 210
Someday
Ariel Oct 2018
I guess the worst part isn’t really how I feel
But the fact he doesn’t care to notice how much it hurts
He stays immune to my pain until it’s too late
He just wants to be friends, there’s nothing else to say on that
But I keep holding out hope for the fact that there is some potential...
Someday, maybe we can be more than friends.
Maybe we’ll own a house with a white picket fence.
Perhaps we can get a few dogs, let them run free.
In this instance, for you, I’d give you a daughter.
Only for you, love—only for you.
Someday, maybe we will love
Maybe we will stay up all night talking about life
Someday, maybe, if I play my cards right, you will ask me to be your wife.
They say love is patient, it is kind
I have such a hard time keeping this thought alive.
All I want is you, right now
I don’t know how to keep my hurt to myself.
But perhaps,
Maybe someday,
My wish will come true.
Oct 2018 · 52
Every Little Thought
Ariel Oct 2018
I find it so infuriating
How you manage to occupy my every waking thought.
Here I thought I was immune to your charms
(After all, it’s been two months)
But then you had to go and get that haircut
Yes, you know the one—
That **** undercut that drives me insane.

You’ll be the death of me, this I swear
For this is so much more than I’m meant to bear
I want to love you, I want to leave you—
Anything I will do to stop this strain.
Darling, I love you so much more than, aloud, I will say.
The ache in my chest as you look away, confirming we are not a thing
No, we’re just friends
Despite the feelings that run so deep for you
You still want to remain the same.

So you settle, then—
Occupying my every little thought
Fogging up my brain in ways I can’t explain
Destroying my self confidence and building it up in other ways
My darling, why do you have to take up residence in my every little thought.
Oct 2018 · 74
Sin
Ariel Oct 2018
Sin
Sometimes I think the worst part about loving you
Isn’t the hurt you cause when you’re away
Sometimes I think the worst part is how you give me a feeling that I can’t satisfy...
Honey, you make me want to sin.
Horribly, messily, disgustingly—sin.

I’m not the ****** type
Never was, probably won’t ever be
But ooh, honey—you make me want to sin.

I want to feel your hands on my skin, a gentle caress I can’t breathe without
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to lose all of this self-doubt
Because honey, you make me want to sin.

I fear God, I don’t want to disappoint
I know you think He doesn’t exist,
But honey, you’re proof enough of just how real He is.
You’re proof enough that the Devil is bent on making me sin.
With those soft doe eyes and a smile that slays,
With the sharp eyebrows that frame your face,
That infectious laugh that leaves me in a daze—
Honey, you make me want to sin.
You never leave me satisfied,
Not with this aching slick you leave between my thighs
‘Tis enough to drive me mad, because honey—
You make me want to sin.

Oof, the way you sing absentmindedly at any time of day,
The soft expressions that you make
The awful memes you display
Oh, Lord—you make me want to sin.

I can’t stop you from racing around in my thoughts
You’ve moved in, taken up residence, and I’m caught
Caught up in your scent, your smile, your eyes
Hair I want to bury my fingers in
A body I want to cling to
Oh, honey—you make me want to sin.
Oct 2018 · 49
Paralyzed
Ariel Oct 2018
I don't know what I can do
Other than sit here and stare at you
She leans against your chair,
You do nothing to fight back
I want to die
But instead, I'm paralyzed
You do nothing to halt her advances
Though you feel nothing the same for her
I hate myself more and more
As I can only sit here and stare at the floor.

I cannot move, I'm transfixed
How would it look to see my name on those thirsting lips?
Lovingly inflected, as though I'm the only one on your mind?
Surely, I will never know
It's only been a short while, we've barely begun
And yet I find myself craving your touch more than I can show.
Paralyzed, I cannot speak
Instead, I internally weep and feel loss for the thing I have no right to grieve.
Oct 2018 · 169
Lovesick Idiot
Ariel Oct 2018
I feel so ******* dumb whenever I'm around you
You somehow manage to bring me to my knees, and I ******* hate it
You've got me whipped and I don't even get the benefits that should come with it
How the **** do you have me so conveniently wrapped around your little finger?
You ******* wreck me and I don't know how to stop it
You make my heart race and my cheeks flush (what a ******* joke)
This is supposed to only happen in the movies
So why the **** do you have to make things so complicated?
I feel like a stupid-*** lovesick idiot
I feel like I've been tricked
So what the **** is wrong with me? How have you managed to invade my head?
Tell me, what is your method to this madness? How have you driven me over the edge?
I feel nothing but rage when I think about what you do to me
Butterflies and moths caged in my stomach (what a stupid trope)
Clammy hands and dry lips, how the hell did this happen so fast?
You're the level-headed one, saying I can't be in love after a month
Why does all of my sanity fly out the window whenever you're around?
I feel like a ******* lovesick idiot
I hate how vulnerable you make me, you knock me to my knees
I'm not supposed to fall this fast
I'm not supposed to feel
I hate how you make me weak, soften my edges and bring me from the ashes entirely anew
Even more, though, I hate how I shrivel when you go away
Like the Grinch, my heart becomes three sizes too small when you go away
And I don't know how to stop the hate and pain
You're the best and worst that ever happened to this ******* lovesick idiot
I hate it, but you know it's true
You bring out the best and worst in me
You know how to push my buttons and turn me into something new
Why did I have to be such a fool?
In the end I suppose it wasn't me, it was you
You and your ******* perfect eyes and smile and that great *** of yours
It's all your fault for making me into a lovesick idiot
When the only thing I wanted (here's a hint, it's you)
Was the love you couldn't give me, the things you couldn't do.
Oct 2018 · 63
Racing Thoughts
Ariel Oct 2018
Though I know your heart beats for someone else,
I can't stop my thoughts from tumbling along the familiar suspicions.
Do you feel something for me, after all?
Rationally, I know I'm a fool.
I know you love me as a friend, a confidant, nothing more.
So why can't I get you out of my brain?
You torture me in tiny heartbreaking ways,
The way you have others hanging off of you left and right,
The way you sing without thinking about it,
How you cut your hair just the way I like,
The soft admissions that you should be worrying about me and not the other way around--
How do you manage to tear me apart every single time?
I can't stop the ache when you offhandedly mention how attractive she is,
And I have to catch my breath when you flirt with everyone except for me.
What did I do wrong that made you not want to be with me?
What sort of cruel joke has God made, letting me find my soulmate when I'm not his?
Why am I not enough? I'm not a supermodel, but I can be beautiful when I try... So why doesn't anyone notice?
I have the worst sort of luck falling for my friends,
Mark this the seventh occurrence on my ledger
Perhaps when it finally reverses my luck, my karma will be so great that you will change your mind.
Maybe I'll find someone better.
Until then, though, there's nothing I can do to stop my racing thoughts.
They run circles round and round my head, torturing my mind with thoughts of inadequacy and imperfection--
Why? What have I done to deserve all of this pain?
I may never know, and that scares me the most.
I can only hope you will come to love me in time,
Before we part ways and before our time is done
For, you, love--
You're all I want in life.
Sep 2018 · 88
Hate
Ariel Sep 2018
If there’s one thing I hate,
It’s the word, “love.”
Everybody is in love with love.
With the flowers and chocolates and kisses and caresses,
It makes me sick.
It makes me want to cry.
Not because I don’t want it,
But because I know I don’t get to try.

There’s a guy who happens to be my best friend.
He’s smart, suave, and ****, but to what end?
I feel as though I want to drown in his breath, but I know that is only a dream.
Real love is never equal.
We idealize it to be a perfect give and take,
But it’s more likely going to be one person selling their soul for the object of their affections.
Giving every part of them that they can,
To receive pittance in return.
Maybe I’m just a cynic.
But I have yet to see “true love.”

Don’t get me wrong—I’ve felt more deeply for him than anyone else.
But in the grand scheme of things, it’s all just one big joke.
A great cosmic prank made by the universe.
We all search for love, and many of us never find it.
If we do, it’s even fewer who find it returned.
I hate myself and how I feel,
Not because he’s a bad guy (he’s probably better than 80% of the male population I’ve known),
But because I know he doesn’t feel the same.

So why do I harbor this sudden hate for a word so gentle and vulnerable?
Perhaps it’s because I’ve been neglected by it.
No one who isn’t family has shown me love.
There’s friendship, sure, but it doesn’t hold a candle to love.
That burning sensation in your skin as you feel as though you would do anything to make them happy, to keep them safe.
The ache in your chest when they want something you can’t give them.
Because, in the end,
I’ve always felt as though I was cursed.

To be a female and to remain unwanted is a pitiful thing.
I still don’t know what it is that I’m doing wrong.
I’m pretty enough when I try.
I’m smarter than your average teenager.
I have opinions that I’ve formed for myself, and I know how to support them.
So why doesn’t anyone want to give me the time of day?
I know it’s not what I say.
Other girls are the same, and they managed to find someone who is their match.
So why am I ignored?
Why am I invisible?

Even you, love, can’t give me a single reason as to why you don’t feel how I do.

I’ve never understood why people are so infatuated with love. Sure, everyone wants to feel important.
That’s just the human condition.
But, the idea of sappy, Hallmark-greeting-card love, full of promises and truth?
I suppose I only hate it because I can’t have it.

Honestly, I hate almost everything about him.
I wouldn’t change a thing, but I still hate him for what he makes me feel.
I hate feeling vulnerable and weak.
That’s what he does to me.
Breaks me down into a shivering mess of a person, destroying all of my barriers and still managing to smile and say, “you’re okay. I’m not going anywhere.”
He says he enjoys being around me.
Why does he have to make it so hard?
I hate the way that he makes me feel.
I just wish he would hold me tight and never let go. Is that too much to ask?
Am I going crazy?
Sometimes, I wonder.

I hate him and his stupid cute brown eyes,
The ones I want to drown in.
I despise the smile he gives me when he first sees me, how it makes me want to melt.
I hate how all I can think about is how he would feel if his mouth touched mine.
I loathe the way his hands seem to be the perfect size to hold my own.
I hate the soft blond hair that I want to bury my hands in.
I hate the sense of humor we share.
I hate our favorite music, the songs he always plays when I’m around.
I don’t want to just be friends.
But I will, because painful life with him around is better than nothing at all.
Sep 2018 · 1.3k
Hurt
Ariel Sep 2018
Why do I let you close?
All you do is cause me hurt.
The sweet caresses and times you hold me to your chest
They never last as long as they should.
You smile at me in such a soft way
Something I never see you do with anyone else
But then you just have to go and **** some random girl
Your adventures open to the world
Why do you have to hurt me this way?

I know you’re not mine.
You never were.
But that didn’t stop me from loving you.
It won’t stop the hurt.
Sometimes you make me feel like I’m on Cloud Nine.
Every other moment, though,
I feel like I want to die.
Why, dear?
Why do you enjoy causing all of this hurt?

I shouldn’t care. I’ve only known you for 22 days.
Why do you have to power to hurt me this way?
You are an enigma to me
You are a complete mystery
So how can you understand me better than anyone else ever could?
You’re more than I could have hoped
You’re more than I thought I wanted
You’re everything I need
And somehow I’m still not good enough. Somehow, you’re still not mine.

Why do I still let myself hurt?
Even I cannot answer that, dear.
I guess my heart will never learn
Not when it comes to you, dear.
You’re the most infuriating man I’ve ever met
Yet somehow I just want to live within your soul,
I want my lungs to fill with your scent, always,
I want to feel you beneath my fingertips,
I want to love you and be loved by you, forever-evermore.

Despite all of this pain
In light of all the hurt
You still keep coming back.
You acknowledge how deeply I care
You know how much I hurt
You know how easily I worry
And you still refuse to stop the hurt.

Is this what you wanted when you came here?
Is this what you imagined from the start?
Did your heart race and your head spin
As you watched me fall apart?
How much does it hurt now, love
When all of my love has been ripped from your heart?

You toy with me
Expect me to remain always, to simply be;
To wait for you for as long as it takes
If I could find someone else, love, don’t you think I would have?
You’re the only one for me, love.
I hope that you understand.
Maybe you will, one day,
After you’ve finally washed my blood from your hands.
Sep 2018 · 67
Numb
Ariel Sep 2018
Honestly
You make me numb
Like I don't know whether I should scream or cry
Do I walk away?
I feel like I am going to die
You bring out the worst of me, dear
Despite everything, even when I'm numb
Even when I am colder and harder than ice
You manage to break through the surface and hurt me
Even through this lethargy and dull ache
You hurt me so good, it aches so well
And yet I just want it to stop
You make me numb, but you break through it too
Honestly
I just wish you'd stop.

Stop acting like you care.
Stop pretending I matter.
Just let me go numb.
Your beautiful words scatter in your absence
And there's nothing I can do to protect against their sharp fragments.
So just stop, why don't you?
Let me go, allow me to stop feeling
For anything would be better than constant aches and pains when you're not around.
After all of this, our time has been short
And somehow it feels as though I've known you for years.
Why can't I numb myself against your smiles and laughter? Why can't I harden my heart against your soft reassurances that you care?
You don't act like you do.
You ignore me for days, without a single explanation or word
Then pop up out of the blue, with maybe one word
You don't answer me when I ask if you're okay
And when I say that I'm not,
You don't even bat an eye.
Let's face it, dear:
Even though it was never me
It was always you.
Sep 2018 · 357
Crybaby
Ariel Sep 2018
I wear all black
My eyeliner is sharp as a knife
My laughter is melodic and has a nice sound
I’ve never been kissed
And I hate the ache over something I shouldn’t be able to miss...

My tongue is silver and seems to have a mind of its own
My lips change color depending on my mood: red, taupe, black, purple, blue;
I love to cuddle and receive hugs
It may seem ridiculous to you, love,
But you’ve had it all
Yes, from the very start.

I don’t want to be called a crybaby
Not for the connotation it receives
So instead I build walls around my heart
I bristle and joke
Despite the ache in my chest
For I know that I cannot be strong forever.

I only hope you won’t be around when I break, love.
I don’t want you to see me fall apart at the seams.
You deserve to know the best of me
For the worst is hard to understand.

Please don’t cry for me, love
I am not broken yet
I can still spit fire from my lips and utter curses from my tongue
I remain steadfast in this prickly facade
Because if I don’t, I cannot say what you will do.

So I refuse to be a crybaby
No matter how many times it hurts to see you with someone new
I have wept over you enough, love
So now I must harden against the world
Before I become utterly undone.

I will not be your crybaby
Even though you only care when I’m nearly falling apart
You thrive off of other’s suffering, so that you may be their knight in shining converse
You seek those in need, you prey on the weak...
I don’t want to be just another conquest
Just another score
I wanted something else, love
With you, I’ve always wanted more.

Guess what, love?
I’m not your crybaby
I will die before you will know
Exactly what it is that you do
that makes me weak in the knees
For if I were to voice my thoughts, you would roll your eyes and mock...

I hate that you make me your little *****
That you make me want to bawl my eyes out when you come in with hickeys that have no name
You’re. Not. Mine.
You’re just a stupid *******
So why do you make me your crybaby?
I hate this feeling of weakness whenever you’re near
I used to be such a ******* badass
But here I am, buried under five blankets,
Hoping my roommate doesn’t hear me as I cry my eyes out,
Forevermore, over you.
Sep 2018 · 445
Scarlet
Ariel Sep 2018
It is the color of freshly spilled blood
It is the shade of love
It is the hue of vegetables and fruits
It colors the world in vibrant notes
It tells us to stop, to take heed;
It warns of danger, it tells us to rejoice
It shines in the lips of lovers and friends
It flickers with the dying sun
It clothes everything in twilight
It is the color of many nations, young and old,
It is the doom of us all,
But, also, the hope.
Sep 2018 · 67
Empathy
Ariel Sep 2018
Lips like scarlet
Hair like spun gold
Eyes that flash silver
A heart that is never cold

She tries so hard to hide it
For, if only they knew
She would be butchered alive
For the pain she feels for you.

She feels so deeply
It cannot be undone
She tries so hard to become dead inside
But truly, she has a heart unlike any other one.

She feels the movement of the earth,
She understands the spin of the skies
She hurts for those in mourning,
She despises those who make her feel.

She loves too deeply, too quickly, too hard
She becomes like the mountain,
But is not as strong
The tears she weeps
As she cries herself asleep
Are evidence enough of that.

She works harder than any man
She tries so very hard
She attempts to keep it all to herself
But these thoughts spill, nonetheless,
Upon the written page.
The hurt, the ache,
It keeps her awake, for in this world
There is nothing under the sun that is worse
Than to feel empathy for those who make you hurt.
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