i keep thinking about this poem in my head
i cannot remember a thing
even though i live in my head

bloodshot eyes are all i see
looking straight in the mirror, lost at sea
keep thinking i will see you again
knowing the answer is "never again"

i still don't know a thing
about this world
keep thinking everything i hear
are lies that are told,
that everyone is out to get me, like a tower of cards
left to stumble and fold.
that people only care for them selves, even though
they always told me
two people can make one's self.

if life is truly survival of the fittest
then my life is a jacket that could never really fit
i outgrew it before i was born
a shame, a shame
i am a shell of who i used to be, i am a lame on the street.
after you died, nothing can ever be the same.

the love we cherished
at fifteen, will stay with me till fifty.
god forbid, it is 2016, here i am thinking
i would never live past 2015.

i am gone, i am dead
whatever you hear from me is posthumous
being written from the troughs in Heaven's den
lost and forgotten, look around, see.
the rock of Sisyphus
weighs heavy on the walking posthumous
they are gone, they are dead, they push on.

i hear them say, rest in peace.
hope they will say the same,
when i find reprieve
at the bottom of the sea.

i have dreams
where your hand
is held by mine.
our fingers, lace and intertwine,
your simple touch, casts me drunk like wine.

i have visions
where i bestow you flowers
forever, forever blooming!
shining in your light, never to die
for a life without you must surely be a lie

i have hopes.
hopes, that you will see the good in me
that the wonder i see in you can never be deceived
hopes, that will never fall
hopes, that if i shall,
i choose you as my downfall.

i have worries.
worries you will find love elsewhere
where i must be perfect or else,
worries we will not work out,
and end up with fractured smiles as the only workout.

i have fears.
fears so frantic i pace to see you soon.
fears you'll fade with the full moon.

you,
have me.
you have me.
for as long as i maintain the will to breath,
a breath without you near shall be a breath too soon.

Saw an elderly read the obituary
Mortality hit me and felt like eternity
Private fear in a public sphere
Wondering how life is even real

Learned a lot this year in times I didn't want to be here
Learned a lot this year in times I wanted you near
Clocks pass and seconds tick
But nostalgia always hits

Old friends remind me about the good times
New friends make me cherish the time
Past friends will always be friends
Future friends will will.

Friends are family, don't forget
So don't spend time in regret
And don't regret these memories
So you can find time to take the other road
and finally accept.

"It won't last, it won't ******* last," murmured the optimist

here's to finding ways to getting him out of the picture in sequential order cheers

my electric toothbrush, lays vulnerable in the corner waiting for the day yours shall touch mine and all negative energies shall flow through positive energies so it shall no longer be dead

he kept seeing shadows of your face at the bottom of every bottle that night and that's why he can't wake up anymore

we rearranged things to the point like it appears i cracked in half over each individual seam of your existence but i did not dare let one fragment of myself lose itself to you

if you look closer at my blood cells, you'll see the distant reflections of things we should have done and things we will never do

Chernobyl was just a prelude to the damning disintegration of my heart the moment your fatality-laced fingers grazed mine for the first time

When the Chernobyl Kids whisper, it's just my soul seeking for ways to enter your ear but you refuse to let one toxin enter you

you came in through the arteries in my heart, and left through the veins in my neck with one slit of your blade-laden lips

there's this huge void where that heart used to be and i can't help but wonder if it was always like this

then i realize, when you touch me, i feel reborn. the sun resides in my chest and no one is exempt from what joy you bring to my life

if he won't shake your father's hand, i will

how dare you look into her mother's eyes and not shed one tear of joy, one tear for the gratitude and fulfillness she brought into your life

the countless dimes i earned for her could never compare to the priceless pearls in her eyes - the penultimate treasure to get lost in

they look at my "prized achievements" and all i want to do is point to you but you're around his arm and sorrow is around mines

"It won't last, it won't ******* last," bellowed the pessimist.

her Eyes?

her Eyes,
are like staring
into brand new millenniums
where not one
infinity is impossible
and she does this,
with just a simple flicker
of every blink she takes
opening up,
to an array of force fields,
and battles long lost
to one
I hope one day
to cross.

if love is a battlefield,
than my mind must be Chernobyl.
a nuclear war zone,
befitting,
I spent years developing a nuclear war head,
that can find lodging in your head.

it lays resident on the pillow on my bed,
my childhood shed,
while bad memories flow like a water drain up ahead,
and may remain with me until death.

maybe such a stigma on depression exists,
because no one still really knows what it is
hell, my mind can compute equations,
spit out essays,
but mental illness?
to solve mine would be aimless.

it lurks, it attacks, it burns
left like a forest fire to churn.
eats up your insides, you feel your ending coming close,
with no conclusiveness a doctor can diagnose.
only if life came with an easy mode,
maybe i'd be better off dealing with this alone.

this is for all the kids
who made Adam's song their song,
or find reprieve at the bottom of a ****,
and find life a little bit too long.

can you hear the siren?
three, two...
seconds to eruption
one...
boom.
no time to snooze.

i wake and
immediately collapse into
pieces.
scattered,
in the people i will encounter today
until i come home
empty,
no parts of me left to be seen.
until i finally fall in bed,
close my eyes,
count 1, 2, 3,
and do it
all over again.

sometimes you speak,
                  and i lose the ability to breathe.

can't sleep and missing you,
                           tell me what else is new.

with death,
       love, life has depth.

i C you in my O - filled lungs,
                    alas, all i can do is breathe you out.

you are the smoke i long to lose,
                              but always hold close.

a game i'll never win,
                    painted in sins.

i'll stop smoking when you appear again,
                  promises made on what will never happen.

i see you in her eyes.
lies.
       lies.
              lies.

you want to know
why he's depressed.
he made a shell distant from his sobriety
and lost touch with any sense of piety.

Tis' a pity, tis' a pity, he becomes
a poor fool, passes away prior to full potential
knows only money and *** to be essential,
and knows nothing on how to deal with the consequential.

fell in love too early
only to know it's too late.
no promises to rectify,
no vows to testify,
only his broken brain left to crucify.

a battered body broken down in battle
with the world around him
and the war within him.
love is thy kryptonite,
drugs are thy dynamite,
left to implode
in the world he created.

he lays in his head, he lies in his head,
he has died in his head,
and thus makes this death.

he lives in everyone's life,
knows not one of his own,
only knows the boundaries of his zone.

Tis' not one of comfort, only discomfort
this man is me.
this man is me.

see my red blood leak on the ledger,
my life flow away like a lost feather,
hang me loose on the tether.
to see sunrise again after tonight?

no please,
never.

looked at your face
blew smoke in your eyes
it felt right.

i guess i'm fine
       writing between the lines

maybe this is what i need
i'll plant the seed
it will grow, they always do
no one will have a clue

can't say i miss you
can't say i miss you
who knew, who knew
you wouldn't miss me too

it's alright, for tonight
it's alright, for tonight
i'll just write
                      with the help of your bright

i lost my sight, i lost my sight

                   nothing's real, so what to feel

to feel? no deal.

she is a volition,
the love of my life.
took her for one night,
and lost all my sight.

jumping all around
the light of the room
the bright over the gloom
pleads goodbye to misery.

i am here to stay
the one who's true
every day, always new
i will show you the way.

bleed on stage,
and on the page.
lead to tear, and lead to stain.
this is pain.

gone from my system
no one to listen
the end is near,
loud and clear.

know i've said this
but she really was on the tip of my tongue.
small and pure, small and pure,
never again, shall i fall for your lure.

she always told me
"try This"
"try That"
she constantly
wore a blood alcohol level
that defied mathematics.
and bore eyes red
as a painter's canvas;
but a smile
she would paint onto her face
putting the final touches
to her masterpiece.

she always told me
Try This
Try That
reassuring i'll be fine regardless
if i get hooked, or not.

she was Perfectly Drifting away
unaware
i was already hooked
to the most powerful Drug of all
right
in front of me.

i cannot die.
not yet, at least.
not when i'm capable of so much more love,
when i have so much to give before i end up above.

you once told me,
that seven was your favorite number.
lucky number seven.
but what could be so lucky about death?
i read that before one dies,
seven minutes of brain activity remains
and in their head, a snapshot of their life replays.

all i can hope is to be
just in one second of that story
to be part of your entrance into heaven and glory
to be the final lullaby lulling you to sleep
to be in the last breath you exhaled deep

i remember
the day of your funeral.
being embraced
in your mother's arms,
and that if there was ever a time
to be
forgiven,
to stay
strong,
it was now.
that a look of comfort,
and not saying anything
is all i could do.
and that the way we held each other,
maybe no one could tell who was comforting who.

i remember,
shaking your father's hand
like i still had to give him
respect,
for coming up with you, for making one half of you
BEING HELD IN HIS ARMS THE WAY HE USED TO DO WITH YOU

no one knows
about the times i almost became a father
how close we were
to ******* it all up.
how your father would **** me if i made you a father
how if we went to "Maury,"
i would be the only one in history to jump up in celebration,
as he says,
"you are the father!"

i'm just
happy
i experienced everything with
you.

people tell me recently that i speak like their father
and after having shook the hand of one of the greatest fathers i ever met,
i know that i will be ready to be a father.
that with or without you, i will never forget you.

i'm just
sad.
i can't get on one knee and propose to you,
time how long it would take for you to say "I do."
i won't know if it'll take seven seconds or less,
just know i gave you my
best.

i'm just
i'm just really missing you.
the lessons you gave me at seventeen,
will last until i'm seventy.

for last, i hope
i hope
that my last seven minutes of life,
will be spent listening to the sound of your voice,
bleeding slow in me as a gentle knife.

falling in love
is a lot like dying slow
you won't realize it until you're ten feet underground

falling in love
is like going to see the sunset
but realizing the sunset lasts only 30 minutes in a day

falling in love
is like going up to the ice cream truck
after chasing it for blocks
and realizing they don't have your favorite flavor

falling in love
is like showing her off
to all your friends like you're back in school
and today's event is show-and-tell

falling in love
is like taking your first puff,
coughing it out
and revisiting it years later
like it never once left your body

falling in love
is seeing role models turn into humans,
and humans into role models.

falling in love
is like witnessing your first car crash
i guess it wasn't as exciting as it felt on tv.

falling in love
is going to your childhood park,
and realizing people never really go to parks anymore.

falling in love is remembering that kid who moved in grade three
who said they'd stay in touch,
but never heard from again.

falling in love is seeing that kid 10 years later
and dreaming of the next 10 years together

falling in love
is seeing them as a reflection of yourself
sprawled over the bed,
and wondering to yourself "****, what more could i ask?"

falling in love
is screaming PLEASE I WANT THIS TO LAST

LOVE
is seeing them hunched on a hospital bed,
hearing them say
"what life have we led?"

falling in love
is visiting their grave,
hearts broken and sore,
realizing

i don't want to fall in love
anymore

my brother told me not to use to cope
but too late, i have become a dope
need this to balance my stress
in order to worry less

he told me he's seen early signs of depression in me
man, i hope my problems aren't so clear to see
they call me strong but i feel so weak
waking up every morning wondering if i'll see next week

i can't tell anyone about my subtle suicidal tendencies
for fear they'll send me away to mental facilities
my dad paid 15k to see my succeed
but no money can make my mind feel freed

i miss her everyday.

poetry's a part of me, but without her i have no eyes to see,
left like Odysseus out in sea

everyone needs someone in this life
i know because without her i don't feel alive
to fix this, no scientific formula can be contrived

maybe
just, maybe
if i jump off this ledge i'll be fine,
finally free, up in the sky i will shine.