What is my soul?

Is my soul the way I laugh?
I laugh from the deepest part of me,
joyfully celebrating my life.
Is my soul the way I cry?
I cry from the deepest part of me,
embracing the pain my life delivers me.
Is my soul the way I listen?
I listen from the deepest part of me,
learning everything life has to teach me.
Is my soul the way I speak?
I speak from the deepest part of me,
telling life exactly what I think of it.
Is my soul the way I hate?
I hate from the deepest part of me,
turning away all those who've hurt me?
Is my soul the way I love?
I love from the deepest part of me,
Eternally bound to those people I care about.
Is my soul solely my own?
Is it possible to speak, to cry, to love alone?
Is my soul a piece of God in me?
Is my soul only mine because I have faith?

Is my soul?

Can you believe the betrayal we face,
Every day, from the people we trust most;
The people whom we confide in, trusting
That they will stand by us when we need them?
Then they turn away, leaving us alone,
Heartbroken and teary-eyed, beaten down
By the weight of the world left upon us.
Without our closest friends, we are nothing;
The world can trample us with but one step,
Pressing down hard, until we suffocate,
Without anyone to lift the burdens.
Still, we must continue living, wearing
A smile, so that those friends who betrayed us
Will believe we are stronger than we are.
It will defeat those people, and prove that
We can rise above disloyalty, and
  Live a better life without those who have
Broken our hearts into many pieces.
That strength is quite admirable, they say,
Though truly, we cry in the dark, alone,
So no one will hear how, really, we are
Weak and broken apart by broken trust.

I’m still trying to tell you
I can’t make you understand
The way I hurt
The way I hate
Not you, I love you
I will tell you you’re perfect
Until your ears bleed
And you want me to go away
But I will never believe
The words you say
You’re pretty,
You’re beautiful
But you’re a liar
No one would ever say the
Truth
That
I
Am
Ugly.
I know I am
I see myself every day
I know I’m not perfect
I know I’m not good enough
Stop lying and stop repeating
All that crap
You make me want
To run away
Now I hate you too
For lying to me.
Shut the hell up.

So many times I’ve given my heart.
With trust, I’ve given it all to so many people.
Purposefully or not, I’ve not gotten it back whole.
I know, some people have to leave; it’s natural, it was time.
Others chose to walk away.
I thought you were different.
I really gave you everything I could.
I wanted to be there for you forever and always.
But I’m here again, holding my broken heart and a needle and thread.
I feel like I’ve forgotten how to mend this feeling.
I’ve lost some of my strength and a lot of my control.
I hate not having control.
But I can control me.
I want to control who can and cannot leave me.
So I will not let you in, not anymore.
Not you, not anyone.
Then, I won’t have to remember how to mend this.
This brokenness won’t be a problem.
I won’t be a problem.
Not anymore.
I’m in control now.

I was wrong.
It was wrong of me to not trust you.
But for just one second, I didn't trust you.
And now I can't trust you.
Not anymore.
You were wrong.
You can't love me and do that.
You can't love me and want her, too.
You led me on, you did this.
You lied to me.
I cry.
I cry for everything.
I gave you everything, I love you.
You took everything.
I have nothing.
I'm at a loss.
I believed you.
I thought you meant forever.
I wanted forever.
I'm so lost.
I am broken.
You have stolen my heart.
You said you wouldn't be like them.
You said you wouldn't hurt me.
I was stupid.
I should've known.
I should have realized.
I'll never be good enough.
Not for anyone, no.
Not for you.
I am alone.
I am so overwhelmed.
I cry out, but there is no one.
I cannot breathe.
My heart stops.
It is over.
I cannot do this.
I cannot love anymore, believe anymore.
I cannot be hurt anymore.
I need to stop.
My breathing slows.
I slide out of consciousness,
As tears slide out of my swollen eyes.
I numb myself with restless sleep,
Never to fully wake again.

You're not perfect.
Sometimes you're jealous,
Sometimes you're overprotective.
You lose your temper,
You forget about patience.
Occasionally you're selfish,
Occasionally you're inconsiderate.
You make me cry too hard,
You make me mad too much.
You're not perfect.
You're not perfect at all.
Sometimes you squeeze me too tight,
Sometimes you steal all the blankets.
You get lost in my eyes,
You hold my hand 'til it's sweaty.
Occasionally you miss my lips when you kiss me,
Occasionally you tickle me until I'm breathless.
You make me laugh too hard,
You make me love too much.
You're not perfect.
You're perfectly mine.

Disappointment floods my being
All the signs are there; I've moved on. You have, too.
But then, you are there. You startle me.
You wrap your arms around my waist
And my heart breaks as you turn me to face you.
You're saying the three words I've longed to hear
Your gentle, deep voice say, and you beg me:
"Tell me you love me, too. Please. Please."
Tears well in my eyes as I look at you.
I stare at the face I've memorized;
I cling to the person I thought I knew.
I have to sit down, my head is spinning.
That's all I ever wanted; I wanted your love.
My voice breaks as I tell you about him.
Your face drops simultaneously with my heart.
You walk away, leaving me to my thoughts.
The tears finally fall and I let myself collapse.
I let my eyes close.
When they open, I'm under my duvet.
It was a dream, so why are my cheeks wet?
Why am I still sobbing, grieving the total loss of you?
Is this fair to him, the one I say I love?
Because now I wonder: do I still love you?

My vision was blurred
And your voice was only a distant echo.
I tried to reply, but my words were slurred
So all you heard was a garbled mess.
You said that I was "too difficult"
As my throat clenched, holding back *****.
You turned, claiming it wasn't my fault,
But as I stumbled after you, I knew it was.
My mind was slow, fuzzy, as I tried to recall
All the times you carried me home.
All the times I was too far gone to walk steadily.
And I realized suddenly that I'd been a burden.
That you resented me for those times I needed you.
But I also remembered how hurtful you were,
How you tormented me, controlled me.
I cried myself to sleep all alone that night.
I woke up with a headache, still sick about losing you.
But I gathered myself and thought for a long while.
I may have been a burden, but you were an instigator.
You never gave me the love I deserved for loving you.
I can let you go now, for
I believe the end of us was your fault, your mistake;
I was only under the influence of heartbreak.

Who am I?
I don’t see who I thought I was in the reflection of this mirror.
I see a girl with faded lines at her mouth, the remnants of her laughter.
I see the crinkles at the corners of her eyes; her eyes used to smile.
Her mouth is a straight line, her laugh only a memory.
Her eyes are tired and glazed, uninterested and unfocused.
Where did that girl go?
I feel her inside, I want to smile and laugh,
But I don’t have the strength to try.
Everything is a task, an arduous task that I cannot attempt
Lest I fail, for then the pain of failure adds to my pile of emotions.
I am exhausted; I cannot feel anything anymore.
Why can’t she try to return?
I have saved every last drop of pain, stored it in my soul.
No one should have to feel pain, I’ll feel it for them.
Everyone should be happy, even if I am taunted by their joy.
She knows that I have reasons to be happy, she makes me aware.
But happiness is energy better offered to the “common good”.
How did I lose her, anyways?
She was adventurous, that girl I used to be; she had *****, so to say.
She let herself feel freely, falling in love painlessly, easily.
That love turned against her, threw away every definition of trust she knew.
I had to protect her, hide her from the pain.
So I put on my armor, and stood strong in her place.
When did she disappear?
She stayed hidden for a while, a warmth trying to break my cold heart.
She’s the smile that cracked my stone face, if only for a moment.
But she was pushed away to make pain easier to handle.
She got tired of trying to make me feel emotion.
She’s still there, deep down, but she hasn’t put forth any effort in a long while.
What will bring her back?
The fleeting moments of giggles and cuddling,
The warmth of a hand over mine,
The strength of two arms enveloping me in a hug,
The patience of a voice that brings her out of me;
Love.
Love will her back to me.

The build-up is slow.
Repress the emotion, the expression of feeling.
Catch the tears before they fall, and
Break the grief with your forced smile.
The fall is unexpected.
Once the tears well over the dam,
Once the frustration boils over,
Once you cannot weep in silence anymore.
The catharsis is quick.
The screams come all at once.
Cheeks are wet with rivers of sadness,
Forced smiles are shattered by frowns.
The aftermath is painful.
Looking around to see who remains;
Who hasn't left me?
Who hasn't been scared away?
The realization is shocking.
Those whom I've trusted most,
Those whom I've loved most,
Have shied away, saving themselves.
But the end, the end is striking, renewing:
You pick me back up,
You put me back together,
And I remember how to love again.

The loss of my father is infinitely painful.
Never again will I receive his love directly.
My father's love was unique.
My father loved me unconditionally.
He made everything okay, promising he'd be there.
Always.
It was how he loved unconditionally;
That's why I miss him so.
His attentive ear, watchful eyes, loving embrace.
His words: patient, yet firm, loving, yet chastising.
My worries lessened when he was present.
Always.
Every moment I breathe,
That's when I miss him.
When I'm smiling, laughing: in joy.
When I'm lonely, crying: in sadness.
In every emotion, in every life experience, I miss him.
Always.
How can I live without his loving presence?
For the rest of my time on Earth?
But he guides me, walks with me each day.
He holds me close, reminding me he hasn't truly left,
Because that's the nature of my father's love: he's with me.
Always.

My eyes open to darkness
As I frantically reach for safety.
It was only a dream, I think,
When I finally grasp my duvet.
Tears glaze my tired eyes;
These nightmares are all too familiar.
My mind never rests.
My anxiety never alleviates.
Life's not been easy.
I've seen so much, experienced
Such grief, such tragedy.
I want to be comforted.
I want you to be here.
You know how to make me strong.
But I can't find you, even though
I keep reaching for you.
You're stealthy, you've slipped away.
I'm lost in my nightmares;
You've left me alone.
I just wanted the security of your presence.
I just wanted to hear your heartbeat.
To feel your chest move with every breath.
To listen to your deep voice soothe me.
To have your hand wipe my tears.
But I have to comfort myself,
For you will never be back.
And I will resort to being distrusting,
Closed off,
Emotionless,
So I don't have to feel this emptiness.
This loss of you that you promised I'd never feel.
My eyes close, another tear spilling down my cheek.
As I try to travel to the nightmares in my dreams,
To drown out the nightmare of my reality.

Sometimes I wonder if you really care.
When I always come second, and it's obvious I do.
Stop denying it; that hurts even more.
I wish I could trust you.
But when you blatantly disregard your promises,
I believe you less and less.
It's sad how oblivious you are to my feelings.
You can't even tell when you're pushing it.
So I don't know how to deal with you anymore.
"Actions speak louder than words."
Whoever said that must have known you!
Because you don't act like you love me.
Actually, once she shows up, I disappear.
After everything I do for you, this is how you treat me?
Like I'm a convenient person to use?
Too bad I'm done being used.
I'm done with all your crap.
If you really loved me, you'd show me.
You'd try to step into my shoes for a minute.
But maybe you don't even care enough to do that.
I don't even know anymore.

swirling through the crisp December air
snowflakes glisten in the light
streaming from windows that showcase trees
adorned will sparkling ornaments
and shimmering stars.
twinkling in the distance
from the peaceful, stoic cathedral
are the bells that sit high in the steeple.
i discern the haunting, glorious tune of
o holy night.
a song that is captivating and overwhelming
with its understated power
hidden in an almost melancholy key
that leaves me frozen in awe,
though i've heard this song before.
i startle as a child and her father stride
swiftly by me on the icy sidewalk.
she slips, but he gracefully scoops her up
and places her gently on his strong shoulders.
her contagious giggles blend with
his easy laugh - a sound as stunning
as the exhilarating chorus of the bells
this laughter now harmonizes with.
i'm lost in the melody of happiness
until the two disappear into the warmth of their home
and i'm again alone on the street.
memories brim and sparkle in my eyes,
simultaneously flooding my cheeks and my mind
and for a fleeting moment, i sense him.
his strong hand is in my small one,
squeezing, so i'm aware of his loving presence.
but a cold gust of harsh winter sweeps in
and he is gone and it is only me.
my mittens wipe away the memories
as i dazedly continue on my way
to my house
breathless from the emotion of yet another
blessed Christmas season
filled with the tragic beauty
of days spent rifling through distant,
yet starkly distinct memories
of the loving embrace of my guardian angel.

It’s not you, it’s me.
I know I was wrong.
I always was, always will be
It’s my fault it took so long
For me to realize the burden I’d become.
I felt left behind, abandoned
And you, so strong, took some
Pain away, you were a stand-in.
But I wanted too much.
How could I expect you to carry me
When you see love as such
An arduous contract to which you agree?
I didn’t keep up my end of the deal.
I wasn’t perfect anymore,
It all became real.
So you shut the door
Without so much as a good-bye.
I’m left stunned and alone,
No more tears to cry
Now that you’re really gone.
I know I’m strong
But you don’t understand
That my heart’s been breaking apart for so long;
Handle anymore? I don’t think I can.
I can see what I am.
I am beautiful and worth something.
I can see that, yes, but ****
How can I believe it when you found it so easy to fling
Me aside and walk away?
I can't be as wonderful and unique
As you used to say.
Together we conquered a mountain, but you threw me off the peak
And watched me fall;
You didn’t even blink.
All your words were lies, they meant nothing at all.
Can’t you see how that makes my heart sink?
How could you leave when you promised you’d stay?
I gave you my love, I gave you my trust
So greedy of you to take it and just throw it away.
It wasn’t fair to me; it was just…
Shocking? Mean? There isn’t one word
To describe this feeling, to know that
Nothing I’d have said would have deterred
You from acting so selfishly, letting me fall flat.
I’m stumbling now, trying to find a way out
By myself, without you, no hand to steady me
And I’ve started to doubt
That anyone will ever see
What I think, how I feel.
How your words were so damaging.
You felt entitled to steal.
You ordered my life, ruled everything as a king,
A despot, a tyrant.
This deserves mention.
All that time I spent,
Gave you all my attention.
I know you can’t express
Emotions when they’re true.
They build up so high, on your chest they press.
Your way out has worked before, it’s nothing new.
I understand you had to go
Or else I would’ve wasted away.
But one thing you must learn, one thing you must know:
I’ll never forgive you, but surely I’ll pray.
Oh, for me to be me again.
Your tumultuous reign threw me back,
But you won’t win, you can’t win
Because my faith has yet to crack.
But also I ask
That God wakes you one night;
When he’s ripped off your mask,
You’ll see yourself in his light.
No more hiding, you can’t lie
When he’s making you look
At everyone you’ve hurt, how many have cried
At all the innocence and love and happiness you took.
But I pray, too, that you’re happy, I do every day
Because, thanks to you,
I’m finally finding my way.
Now there’s nothing more to say, nothing left to do,
So maybe I can throw you to the breeze,
Watch how it takes you;
Finally, I’ll breathe with ease.
I’ll live every moment, remember it all
All the loose ends I’ll weave
Into memories of happiness and forever I’ll recall
How blessed I am, always was, and how you forced me to see.