i feel like time is
s
  l
    i
       p
          p
           i
               n
                    g.

i feel like there is more i could have done yesterday. 
 
i regret not kissing you enough yesterday,
because now i realize i can't tomorrow.

today i missed you,
it came in waves like water clashing against rocks.

yesterday i said "tomorrow you'll be okay."
and again i will tell myself, tomorrow.

yesterday wasn't as bad as today is or will be,

yesterday and tomorrow.
does it make a difference if i feel the same?  
-j.p.

i feel anxious

not sometimes,
not constantly.
well i'm not too sure.
maybe..

i feel like i'm constantly being dragged in every direction,
the stars are plucking at my hair like strings.
and my mind- it seems to wander,
goes anywhere else but where i need it to be.

i will never understand why my feet forget how to walk sometimes,
no they're not judging the way you walk-
well, now, maybe.
i'm not breathing that loudly- stop it you know how to breathe,
now you can't catch your breath.

i will never understand why my eyes flicker to find people who i assume are looking or thinking about me.
no one cares.

so why do i?
-j.p.

bring out the ink, cover the page,
pools or creativity leak onto the desk.
you are incredible,
skill, abilities; boundless.
the sky's the limit and you’ve painted it with ten shades of blue.
brushes vary from size and shape,
pencils range in darkness and texture.
you create tones and shades,
different worlds, different beings present themselves;
bringing new things to existence,
making old things seem new.
you are an artist.
you create.
you, yourself, your art form,
a weapon.
skillful and sharp, utility.
along with your tools,
your training.
you too can become a weapon,
of mass creation.

-j.p.

i promised him i'd write him something
not for him
more for me

i dont wish to have all my thoughts be about another
i want more positivity

i want to write about him
i need to

i want to try and put into words all the emotions that are being pushed towards me

soft
gentle
calm
collected

you make me feel a way no other has made me feel before
i feel enlightened that you love me as much as i do you

beautiful
sweet
serious
control

i trust you with everything
no moment is dull and no second is anxious

breathe
gasp
sweat
love

your hands running along my body feel like silk gliding past me
you don't leave one inch un touched

lovely
honest
loyal

i love him, he has my heart and he's put it on a pedestal
he sees my flaws and kisses the scars

caring
confident

he fills my head with thoughts of bliss
i feel at home inside his arms

safe

i cannot tell if we will last but lord knows i hope we will
hes changed my life

im writing this about him

he is mine and i feel a sense of accomplishment because of this
he is mine and i cannot see it being any other way

yes we write songs, say sweet nothings and make gestures
yes we make mistakes,
but we are human

i believe we will make it.

i love him.
-j.p.

Please, never use the term “I felt pretty depressed” if you’re talking about that one time your parents wouldn’t let you go to that party.
Please never say “I’m so bipolar” just because someone made you mad and you went from being friendly to then yelling.
Please don’t say “I feel so anorexic” just because you forgot to eat a meal or you didn’t finish your dinner.
Please never, ever say “I swear you’re mentally *******”
Because there are people out there who actually do feel depressed.
And maybe it’s because they didn’t have a childhood, or they got abandoned way too many times or just the simple fact they’re actually just depressed.
Because there are people out there who go from being content one minute to just be shaking and trembling the next, and they can’t control the way they’re feeling.
Because there are people out there who struggle with anorexia. Who force themselves to drink water as meals because they hate their bodies.
Because there are people out there who can’t control the way they think, act and or feel.
Because mental illnesses are real; and they’re not jokes either.
So please, never, ever treat them like they are.
-j.p.
— Mental illnesses aren’t jokes; don’t laugh about them.

And in that moment,
I looked into your eyes and realized that forever wasn’t an option.
Reality had struck and I was hit.
There’s never a forever.
There’s no fairytale endings, no happily ever after, nothing like that.
There’s just love. Life. And hate.
That’s it.
You’ll experience love.
You’ll experience hate.
And life, well you can either live it. Or just survive it.
-j.p.

Why do we find ourselves to be failures if we don’t want to be what our parents expect?
Even though it’s beyond your standards of successful.
You are not a failure if you don’t reach someone else’s standards.
Even then, you are not a failure if you weren’t able to succeed in your own.
Because no matter how rich, how happy, how successful, or even how famous you may become;
There’ll always be people whispering in your ear, bringing down your confidence and telling you there’s more you could do to improve yourself.
No…
You don’t need anyone’s limits to define your own.
As long as what you do or what you’re aspiring to become or what you’re passionate about makes you happy and is good enough for you.
There is no need for improvement.
And no matter what, you are not a failure.
No matter what anyone else says.
You are good enough.
-j.p.

the sound between the music is comforting to me,
it's almost like a void -
but a happy one.
it gives you a slight moment of euphoria,
time to think about, time.
time advancing.
time.
it lasts long enough for you to think.
the static is the anticipation of,
"whats next?"
a soft presence.
it appears for only a moment,
time sails on.
-j.p.

i don't think i've ever been in a place
in myself
where i've felt wanted

i feel kind of dark
my eyes are burning
i'm not sure what to think

sorry i exist
i'll go

-j.p.

you do not understand the power you have
your eyes make me weak at the knees
your hands hold me together
and your love keeps me sane

when you look at me i can see the sky
blue and dazzling
beautiful and bright

you are so soft and strong
standing tall to keep me safe

you don’t understand the power you have
i love you

my heart is yours
and i know this is true
your eyes meet with mine
i have heard that the sky is the limit

with love
there is no limit
so why do you hold the sky in your eyes?

-j.p.

there's this feeling
of me being
constantly
on the verge
of
something.

i'm not sure what.
or why.

i feel as though,
simultaneously
i'm clinging onto something
while feeling completely disconnected,

from that thing.  

i'm lost.

there's this ledge
and i'm trying to tighten my grip.
sweat builds.

i'm slipping.

But your touch on my skin was the thing I probably missed most because after self medicating I rubbed away a tear and my finger felt like how you’d trace circles on my back and the feeling lingered on my cheek.
Remembering the warm, soft and everlasting feeling that your fingers dragged into my skin and into my hear.
Because the next time I smoked a cigarette I remembered how that afternoon your lips tasted like ash and after I asked you blew it off and then later you were traced with the smell all over your clothes because you had a few more.
Because I can’t listen to certain songs without remembering that afternoon we giggled and screamed as we jumped around my room dancing with fake guitars to ****** music videos.
Because I couldn’t lay in my own bed the same for a year the same because I remembered which side you claimed as yours the day you came into my house and I always couldn’t touch that side because I thought you’d be there and I’d only feel your presence if I were to lay there.
My bed now lays in a new location because I couldn’t shake the idea, even now I can’t.
Because I can’t go to certain places with friends because we shared our love there because I can remember the parties and dates to the park to avoid our parents and even that awkward movie we saw together because I was anxious and you thought I was pathetic so I told you I’d go and after to reach for your hand to only have you pull it away.
Because I remember when she met you with me and I couldn’t understand after all this time why she was so excited to be with me.
Because I remember how my heart sank when I heard that you’d gone to see her alone and when she became your friend and then I became a fool and you used her name after you finished spitting on mine.
Because I remember waking up and panicking because I thought you’d killed yourself the night before, you didn’t listen to me, you wouldn’t answer my calls and you broke up with me and then the next afternoon I broke down crying in class because I saw your name finally appear on my screen.
Because I remember the first time you took me to your friends party and your best-friend questioned why I wasn’t sitting on his lap and I hesitated not because I wasn’t comfortable with him i wasn’t comfortable with me, I tried my best to not sit properly.
Because every-time I step into my room I remember how you always acted in this mess of a room, laying on the floor acting the *** and the time you hid my phone and helped me look for it so you could just be with me for a bit longer.
Because I can’t forget the time you went away and once you got back we’d broke up 3 times and I couldn’t ******* see you because the night you got back I got **** drunk cause I didn’t want to lose you but you were only away for 2 weeks but couldn’t see you till the 3rd because I was grounded. I remember how we hugged meeting in the middle of the street to my house and then us racing to the field by my house and taking pictures and running around.
Because I remember how you held me while you watched my favorite movie and I thought you weren’t paying attention until the end you turned to me and said: “you know, I agree with Jim Carry because he said to Clementine when they were on the ice ‘I’m right where I want to be’ and I am”.
Now I can’t watch that movie because I cry only twice rather than at the sappy parts. I cry when I hear him say that quote and when the credits appear because that’s when you held me tightest.
— started keeping a log of things i think of you when i’m high.
-j.p.

*******, and **** her too.
Cause when she came into your life.
I didn’t matter.
Maybe it was before that but I didn’t notice until then.
And then; once you left.
You taught me how to hate.
You taught me to be afraid to trust the ones you love.
I guess I should thank you.
Cause most of all.
You taught me how to deal with pain, without anyone noticing.
And how to not get hurt anymore.
So thanks….
Now I can’t let people in.
No one knows me.
And guess what.
6 ******* years of me trying to reach out to you.
And then coming back with nothing but silence.
My own blood is a complete ******* stranger to me.
So thanks…..
Now I know.
Don’t expect anything, that way you can’t get let down.
-j.p.

his words stuck in my brain like a feather in tar.
tasseled and ruined and destined to stay that way.
our time ran thin and quick like the air in my lungs that night. gasping for air like i’d never known how to breathe again.
his touch lingers on my skin, running around every inch of my body. i’m still waiting for those 7 years to pass so i can have a body completely untouched by yours.
i can’t get the image of him out of my head like a bad scar you regret getting.
it only seems to be getting darker.
when it ended i swore i’d never feel again.
and i just want to say, if you’re heart broken; hold onto to that, because if you let that feeling go.
you just might be a cold stone trown into the void of a sea of emotions.
— thinking about you again.
-j.p.

i feel this overwhelming sense of calm amongst all of the chaos,
my brain is foggy and i am not sure how to think.

breathe.
you will be okay,
just keep pushing forward.

todays problems will hide behind soon to be tomorrows' haze,
things come and go.

just remember to breathe.

I wanted to sink into soft white fluffy duvets with you,
So we could pretend that we were laying amongst the clouds.
I wanted to wake up with the smell of you on my skin,
And the smell of fresh coffee in the air.
I wanted to kiss your lips the second you arrived home from work,
In hopes you’ll never want to leave my side again.
I wanted the thoughts of you to always bring happiness, warmth, love and excitement,
Not what they bring me now.
Now they bring grief, regret and want.
Because the whole truth is,
I wanted to spend my life with you.
I wanted to keep the warmth that felt like sun beams on my face,
first thing in the morning.
I wanted to keep that love close to my heart for all eternity,
And show the world just how lovely you are.
Were.
I found you,
And with that I found the feeling of never wanting to lose you.
Thoughts of worry and insecurities kept into my head,
And ****** out all the light.
I found you and I never wanted to lose you,
I found you and it was like seeing fireworks light up the night sky.
I found you and I saw the stars forming galaxies,
Just for us.
I found you, but soon after that’s when I realized,
I think I had lost myself.
This isn’t a sad poem,
I know it’s hard to believe.
It’s about revelation rather than grief and remorse.
I thought I had found the one,
It wasn’t until I healed and realize that he was only taking a piece of me.
I’m whole without you now,
I hope you know that in the back of your mind.
I hope you are too.
I have flashes of missing you,
I will admit.
But,  
Now I’ve realized who should forever be my one true love.
Myself.
-j.p.

I think my mind got messed up in the construction process of it all.
All my emotions are blurry and my thoughts are jumbled.
I’m not sure what I should feel, when I should feel it and if I should even feel it at all.
It’s quite a mess.
I can’t seem to find the words to describe how I see myself.
I hate myself.
No.
I love myself.
No.
I’m content.
No, not that either.
I’m not sure about anything.
And I think that’s the problem.
My brain is probably just missing a wire or a ***** or something of the sorts.
It can’t connect the pieces,
It’s not sure how to or what pieces to pick up.
-j.p.