ah yes.

what a single look from someone can do to you.

does it help to force a blind eye? to look away?
or is it something i should be tackling head on?

i don’t know.

i have been very confused lately.

i remember conversations in which i believe i am the only one who does.
or am i?

am i the one looking at oblivion right in the eye?

or is it you?

You tell me that if I loved you, I would drink from the cocktail that I myself bought for you.

I would down it in one go if that would prove how much I adore you.

You place the cold glass in between my palms, my fingers numbing a little.

I take a sip, and the alcohol collides with my tastebuds like an iceberg but warms me on its way down my throat and into my stomach.

I am confused if it really is the delicious concontion, or if it is how you make me feel warmth, so radiant, that it engulfs me from the inside out.

I wipe the corner of my mouth with my wrist.

We smile at each other, and I wonder if you could tell by the way I look at you, that when I swallowed such poison you told me to take, all my mind could fathom was "because I love you."

But I am not that selfish.

I hand to you the rest, knowing that you have yet a thirst that neither I, nor this cocktail, may be able to quench.

I am going to shower you with my love,

The way the rain pours on open fields;
Turning untouched lands into abundant gardens.

I will make daisies grow in each and every crack
that have made their home on your body;
Reminding you how beautiful you still are despite the numerous earthquakes that have shaken you and altered your foundation.

Sunflowers will sprout,
Illuminating the darkest parts of you that the world has dimmed throughout the years.

Vines will creep up and weave among your spine, bringing together the pieces that have been shattered from all the times you've been beat down and stepped on like grass.

There will be dandelions to remind you how pleasant it is to let go of some things and in the hurtful process,
Trees shall also rise to keep you rooted.

I apologize if the love and the rain would turn into a storm and destroy a few things in my path.

I am sorry if I cause flood to flow from your eyes, but please be patient with me, as I am with you, as I am as you develop.

For In time, I will regain myself and be the way that I was, showering you with the same love that hasn't changed.

I can't promise light downpour all the time, but I do swear not to drown you out.

Water levels may rise,

But I hope you grow, I hope I make you grow.

I used to be an epitome of emotion.
I would burst in technicolor fireworks,
Louder than the night will ever be.
A mood ring would be like a spectrum,
Instead of one color, a wild rainbow.

Grenades would be no match to how I'd explode.  
More than just friendly fire,
I was a war within a body.

A vast expanse of unpredictable tides of
All the mental states you could ever imagine,
Not merely just meeting,
But crashing forcefully against the shore,
Pushing the sand away, but also bringing it closer, as it rolls back and forth
again and again.

But ever since you, my moon, left,
I am as dull as your hue of gray.
My ocean of feelings has gone still,
And has completely turned into drought.
Into nothing.

Yet why am I drowning?

I had a bomb in me that only I knew how to detonate and had little knowledge about defusing.

You learned every fragment of me and managed to crack my code.
I was deliberately okay with that,

Believing

that someone had finally figured out how to completely shut it down.


But boom!

you didn't.

Now blood stains and splatters
are on the wall,
And I am in a thousand of pieces
I know not of which to follow.

Hot, blistering weather;
People ask me how I'm so comfortable with it.
How there's not a single drop of sweat on me.

I thought of it as odd at first;
But I came to the realization
That my body has completely disregarded
The hellish climate because
the real burn was happening in me.

Blood boils
as I think about how I was pathetically treated.
How I was entirely misunderstood,
unappreciated.

Swollen knuckles start to show,
They ask me about them,
But even I don't know what I hit.
Was it the lamp post?
Or was it the wall?
I can't remember.

Red lines
appear on my forearm,
They ask again,
And I still can't seem to recall
how such beauty has been painted
on my skin.
Was I the artist?
I can't remember.

I can't stand their interrogations
anymore.

I stop thinking for a minute.

I break a sweat.

They think I'm okay now.


(c.j.p.)

You are as unclear as lake water,
at the same time so potable.
Like a vivid night sky,
filled with light pollution
from all the city lights.

Uncovered like the people
in renaissance paintings.
Camouflaged in the great open,
A chameleon in all colors.
Hidden like the new moon.

Present but never there to be seen.
Stated as existent, but bares in darkness.

You wear your heart on your sleeve,
But he tells you to put on a sweater.

There are things we wish we hadn't seen,

And things we wish we could have.

Like that time when you and your family were watching a horror movie, you were under the sheets, covering your eyes and ears, and every few minutes you'd sneak a peek at the screen only when it was a scene in broad daylight.
Or like that other time when you were sick, and all you wanted was to watch your sister's baseball game, and see her get a home run; but you were stuck there in bed with an ice pack on your forehead, helpless and wishing illnesses didn't exist.

And then there was that one time, and it was like watching a horror movie with your family all over again, but this time you were alone. All alone. And it was in the park. And it was you seeing that girl you fell in love with years ago with her new found, so-called lover. You wished you had a blanket you could hide in, the same way you used to. But you didn't, and you couldn't. You swore to yourself that you were over her, but why does it feel like that the murderer got to you in the horror movie? You never stopped. You just told everyone that the case was closed, but in reality, the suspect is still out there, and you are still it's victim. The suspect with four letters in her name, Love.

Just because I hide things,
Doesn't mean I'm not honest.
I mean we're all just human,
And we all have our secrets.

I'm sorry if I hide things,
If I don't let you do what you want to.
I mean why should I?
When all my secrets are about you.

I may haven't written in a while
But that doesn't mean you don't cross my mind.
You are all that I look for,
The only person I want to find.

I look for your face in crowds,
In streets, in malls, everywhere.
Every step I take is a hope,
A hope that I'd find you there.

Hi darling, I really miss you.
I just wanna see your face again.
Hug you tight and kiss your cheek,
And say I love you as much as I can.

The sun is shining, the weather is hot.
Skins get darker, sweaters start to rot.
Everyone waits for this time of the year,
Where they go to beaches with a cooler full of beer.
Every night they throw parties for fun,
and every morning it’s bathing in the sun.
They go on vacations to oceans of blue,
But what my mind needs, is a vacation from you.


(c.j.)

I can’t seem to remember what it feels like to fall in love.
Maybe because you are the only one I want
And I don’t even remember the start of it all.
I don’t remember when we first talked,
When you first hugged me,
When you first laid your lips on my cheeks.
I don’t remember anything.
And I don’t think I’d ever remember how it feels to fall in love
Because I don’t think I’d fall for another star
If I’m in love with the universe.

*xoxo cj

If I had the power to let the universe know that I love you,
I’d whisper in your ear, because you are every star,
every comet, every constellation, every asteroid,
every halo on the planets, every moon,
and every galaxy that makes up the entire world.
You are my universe. And I am willing to explore
each and every part of you.

It hurts me when you say,
that no one will ever stay.
Coz when the day turns to night,
I will be the moon, your light.

They say “People come and go”.
So I’m here to let you know.
I will prove them wrong
and sing with you every song.

I will dance to every step;
all the secrets will be kept.
I will not let you go,
until all deserts bear snow.

No matter what happens,
your darkness, I will lighten.
My back will only turn,
if the sun will cool its burn.

xoxo cj

I wish I could voluntarily turn off my senses.
So I won’t be able to feel pain,
to taste the bitterness,
to smell the foul rumors,
to hear the unwanted opinions,
And to see the one I love
with someone else.

Why do I try?
Why do I bother?
Why do I love you,
When you love another?

I'd give you the moon,
the stars and everything.
But you can't give back
an ounce of the same feeling.

A happy girl,
she used to be.
Full of smiles
and positive energy.

Then one day,
She made a friend,
Who changed her life
ever since then.

She fell in love
with the idea of forever,
That maybe they must’ve
been destined for each other.

A happy girl,
she used to be.
Now full of sorrows
and doubts, and agony.

For she once thought
that love could set her free,
But she was still in jail,
and her lover lost the key.

If my mind were a galaxy,
You would be every twinkling star,
Every asteroid in the belt, every racing comet,
And every moon orbiting the planets.

If my mind were the ocean,
You’d be the billions of water molecules,
The crashing waves, the grains of salt,
And the infinite number of fishes.

But if your mind were either of these,
I’d be but a speck of space dust,
And a creature in the deep abyss;
Invisible and almost non-existent.

Drip, drip, drip.
As my skin starts to rip.
The past seems to fade
with a two-sided blade.

A thin, sharp metal aid
for the mistakes I’ve made.
Was once glad we met,
now dying of regret.

Two things flow
As I think of us both.
Tears from my eyes
and blood from each glide.

Drip, drip, drip.
the next sad song I skip.
Every ballad I hear,
just adds another tear.

How can I move on?
How can I forget?
I’m having a relapse
and recovery isn’t close yet.

I won't ask you,
‘cause I know what is true.
“I love you” is what you’d say,
and “Sorry, but not in that way.”

I don't know how many times
I have to fall in love
With the wrong person.
I've loved quite a few
But none of them ever
Felt the same way.
I treated them right
But I guess
I'm just never good enough
It makes me wonder really,
Is it all part of the plan?
Or am I just an unlucky human?

I'm made up of
false hopes
and
**unfulfilled wishes

When I thought
we had a chance,
I thought wrong.

When I thought
that maybe we could
belong,
I thought wrong.

When I thought
you loved me back
because you showed signs,
I obviously, thought wrong.

It's like
you're an Oscar
and I'm
Leonardo Dicaprio.
No matter how good people think I am,
I'll never be good enough to have you.

I remember
How we used to be
A lot more
Than what we are now.
Was it my fault?
Was I too harsh?
I didn't mean what I said
I didn't mean
To hurt you.
I'm sorry
I truly am.
But if you don't
Wanna be friends anymore
Or if you
Want us to
Forget each other's existence,
Then that's okay.
I'm sorry if I tire you
With the same mistakes
Over and
Over and
Over again.
If you're done,
Then I'm done too.