I hate
the way my heart clenching
the way myself benching

I hate
how I let myself to fall
just to catch the ball

I hate
myself
for
letting me
fall in love
once again

or
perhaps
I just hate love?

Pahlawan
Terima kasih
sudah menyelamatkan aku
dari kesedihan ini
Pahlawan
Terima kasih
sudah membangkitkan aku
dari keterpurukan tiada henti
Pahlawan
Kau sungguh hebat
Hanya dengan suara dan karya mu
Berjuta orang sorak bergembira
Pahlawan
Kau sudah mati
Karena kau bukan malaikat
Sama seperti diriku
Manusia hina
Pahlawan
Kau sudah mati
Akan ku kubur jasad mu dalam jiwa ku
Akan ku peluk erat arwah mu
Jika orang bertanya tentang dirimu
Akan ku bisikan
Pahlawan ku sudah mati
Iblis memanggil nya
Bukan Tuhan

I say love
No need to reciprocate
I give all
No need the vice-versa
You are free to go
You are free to flee
No string
No expectations
Nothing but my free love
Only for you

Anne told me to love
Nate told me to stop
Noah screamed at me to trust
Isaac yelled at me to fall
Sarah convinced me that its alright
Aaron said its not okay

and i told them to shut up
then be buried

I want the love that consumes me
I want to love hard and deep
I want to sacrifice my life for love
I want to feel that heart-wrenching feeling
I want to love
But I only want to love him
The one whom I don’t know yet
The one who needs to fight for my love
The one who needs to be patient enough to face all of me
The one who needs to break the wall
That one person

I might envy all those couples on the street
I might be jealous of those sweet scenes in the movies
I might want all those kisses and hugs to accompany at nights
I might be lonely and desperate to have a little sweet love
But stop telling me to find one
Stop saying to me to open my heart
Because I wont
At least not now
When I still need to fix myself
When I still am a mess
When I still have this trust issue buried so deep
When the more I live, the more I become skeptical about human

I don’t want to get married
Just because I feel like it’s the time
I don’t want to get married
Just because people tell me I need to
I don’t want to get married
Just because I’m in my 30s and still single
I don’t want to get married
Just because I’ve been dating him for years
I don’t want to get married
When it’s my brain that speaks, not my heart

I want to get married
when I finally meet the one
The one who can make me fall so deep
The one who gives the love that consumes me
The one whom I can’t imagine to live without
The one who makes me think
That I want to get married
Because it is him

That’s how much of a hopeless romantic I am

I don’t write beautifully
I don’t even know how to write
I don’t even understand beauty
But I am in love and in pain
So who cares I cannot write

A few sleepless nights ago
I was embraced by
nothingness
Indulged and caged
With nothing but a dull sentiment
I was not hurt
I was not pained
I was simply distant
With no reasons

I will fight
the universe
and even God
If they
ever try
to write
another chapter
of me
and
you

I might envy all those couples on the street
I might be jealous of those sweet scenes in the movies
I might want all those kisses and hugs to accompany at nights
I might be lonely and desperate to have a little sweet love
But stop telling me to find one
Stop saying to me to open my heart
Because I wont
At least not now
When I might still need to fix myself
When I might still be a mess
When I might still have this trust issue buried so deep
When the more I live, the more I might become skeptical about human

I love you.
Not I love you forever.

We'll be together.
Not We'll forever be together.

I am yours.
Not I am forever yours.

Do not believe Forever
Because Forever does not exist
Because Forever is just a cameo

Pahlawan
Terima kasih
sudah menyelamatkan aku
dari kesedihan ini
Pahlawan
Terima kasih
sudah membangkitkan aku
dari keterpurukan tiada henti
Pahlawan
Kau sungguh hebat
Hanya dengan suara dan karya mu
Berjuta orang sorak bergembira
Pahlawan
Kau sudah mati
Karena kau bukan malaikat
Sama seperti diriku
Manusia hina
Pahlawan
Kau sudah mati
Akan ku kubur jasad mu dalam jiwa ku
Akan ku peluk erat arwah mu
Jika orang bertanya tentang dirimu
Akan ku bisikan
Pahlawan ku sudah mati
Iblis memanggil nya
Bukan Tuhan

Hallo kamu, ini aku
Aku yang sudah lama mengenalmu, walau kamu belum mengenalku
Aku yang sudah lama mendukungmu, walau kamu belum jumpa dengan ku
Aku adalah seseorang
yang selalu tertawa dan tersenyum karenamu
Walau kamu
bukan tertawa dan tersenyum karenaku
Tetapi aku selalu ada
Bersorai untuk kamu
Jika suatu hari keberuntungan mulai berpihak pada ku
Kamu akan tahu siapa aku
dan aku tahu
kamu akan berkata
Hallo kamu, ini aku
dan aku pun akan menjadi kamu

Mereka bilang kita bukan kasih
Mereka bilang kita bukan sayang
Mereka bilang kita bukan cinta
Kita hanyalah perasaan yang dilebihkan
Kita tidak akan pernah menjadi kita
Cinta kita adalah bukan cinta
Tahu apa mereka tentang cinta kita
Mereka
Kita
Hanya memiliki definisi cinta yang berbeda

Setiap tarikan napas
Satu hembusan
Aku berhutang

Setiap langkah kaki
Satu jejak
Aku berhutang

Seribu
Seratus ribu
Satu juta
Berjuta-juta rupiah
Aku dapatkan
Aku pun berhutang

Hutang yang kekal
Hutang yang indah
Hutang turun temurun

Pada mu
Pahlawan ku
Aku berhutang
Berhutang kemerdekaan
Berhutang kebahagiaan
Berhutang persatuan

Pada mu
Pahlawan ku
Aku berjanji
Menjaga Indonesia
Membanggakan Indonesia
Untuk membayar
Perjuangan hebat mu

World is cruel
Wounding me
Hurting me
Making me feel like I am alone
My heart is used to the scratches from the past
The dangerously beautiful scars
From those who've ever stayed
From faith that has been stolen
I said enough was enough
Hypnotizing myself
Thinking I would never found the treasure
And my heart is ****** cold
But then something is shining so bright
Blinding the eyes of my heart
Standing there magnificently
Three ashtonishing treasures
With all the warms
Melting the cold heart
Vowing so confidently
To always beautify my chapters of life
To always be mine

My best friends

The most beautiful treasures
that will always be mine

They said
it was 'First Love'
the best feeling
I've experienced throughout
this mortal world

Being loved
by the guy I loved
It felt too good to be true
Cloud 9
was all I felt

I was clueless
whether the love was real or not
whether he faked it or not

But if he did
he was one of hella fine actors

Can you trust someone who thinks that 'Love is Temporary' ?




Because
I used to love someone with all my heart
Every inch of my body loved him
Every drop of my blood loved him
Every little cell of my body loved him
My body was his
The control was his

I could not eat if I missed him
I could not sleep if I could not smell his intoxicating cologne
I could not breathe if I could not see him

He was the center of my universe
He was the beauty of my world
He was my everything
and I could not live without him



Do you realize that I used the words "used to"?
It means that I survived.
I survived the heartbreak that he caused.
I survived the unbearable pain that he gave.
I survived the deadly reaction of my body after he left
I survived days without eating
I survived days without sleeping
I survived from 'he was my everything'
I survived from 'I could not live without him'
I survived from all the prodigious illusions of loving him.

Because
Love is Temporary
Love is not Forever
But Love will always be there


When Love dies, Love is born



So, can you trust me?

The memories will be fading





The love will be evaporating






There will be no trace of him








And you will survive your first heartbreak









Just believe in yourself that








You are something without him










Because the only person who will never leave you is







That girl in the mirror

Playing again
the playlist of memories
trying to feel
something
we used to have
but
nothing

the feeling we used to share
the warmness of your skin
the touch of your lips
the sweetness of your smile
the crookedness of your nose
they all are gone
I could not feel it
I could not dream it
I dont even remember
how your face is like
Time surely is unyielding
it makes my body
not to remember  
any of those feelings
Its like you've never been in my life

But somehow
the pain is still there
its like
im still hurting
from a wound that
has totally been healed
its like
i've moved on yet stuck
im happy yet sad

or
does it mean
im just broken?

Thought of
missing him is
the scariest thing
is indeed an erroneous assumption

I have always thought
seeing his face
holding his hands
feeling his kiss
in the dreams
are one way
to **** my heart
when you miss someone
who arent yours anymore

but
when you miss someone
whom you cant even remember
the face
the touch
the feeling
is even scarier

Have you ever experienced
the disagreement between
your brain, heart, and body?
when brain heart and body just
outcry to each other
and then you lose?

I have once
when I had my firstlove
first heartbreak

I cried everday for months
everytime i closed my eyes
in the shower
in the bed
everytime i was alone
My brain told me not to cry
yes because i deserved better than him
because he didnt deserve my tears
but my heart hurts
i felt the physical pain in my chest
my body
that was the first argument between my brain, heart, and body

I loved dressing up and doing make up
I loved shopping
I loved watching movies
those all are my hobbies
but I stopped doing them all for months
I tried thousand times
because my brain told me that it was a good escape and healing
but my heart wasnt interested at all
and my body kept screaming to sleep

I loved sleeping
I'd rather spend my time to sleep
than play with my friends
but I couldnt sleep for 3 days straight
trust me
I closed my eyes for hours
but i just didnt sleep
and sleeping pill was my last choice

I loved food
but I couldnt eat for 3 days straight
I wish i was being over dramatic
but no
I couldnt eat not because i didnt want to eat
i wish it was the case
but no
Lord knows
i really wanted to eat
but every food that crept in my mouth
would be thrown out again
every single time
I just couldnt eat
literally for 3 days straight

My brain always gave the solutions that I really wanted
But my heart always seemed not interested
And my body rejected all the attempts that I did

that time...
I just didnt know what to do...
other than try to survive
and never give up to love
my brain
my heart
my body

Today marks the day
I realize something about myself
Something that i wish it wasnt true
Something that I never imagined for me to have an issue with
Something unexpected that could affect the rest of my life
I thought I could handle it
I thought everything was gonna be alright
I thought it was no big deal
I thought i would never be that girl
that girl who trusted his "live the moment, because this wont last forever" words
the girl who lived up to his "why afraid of the future when we can hold each other right now" words
that girl who put faith in his "even in the end it will hurt. it will all be worth it" words
that girl who believed that she was too young to know about forever
that girl who cared too much
that girl who loved too deep
that girl who spent months or years to move on

But i was that girl
And he made me realize that
love is not for a moment
love is forever

and I should not play with love
because i barely survive my first heartbreak

and i just realized it now
I am the girl who should love
a guy who knows about forever

I saw her today
The one whom
once used to be so broken
so damaged
so treacherous
I wanted to reach her
Asked her if she was okay
I took a step
She took a step back
She seemed scared
I dont know why
I tried to reach her
Then she screamed
It was me
who hurt her
Then I realized
she used to be my love for him

Misery
Depressions
Sadness
always solicit us to give up
and we give them the crowns
we are too drown into our own pain
that we become not to care
about those who scream help
because we close our eyes
not to see the world
and be blind
one blind man
turn into thousands blind men
until we realize
blindness
turn into darkness
and darkness turns into a world of despair
and finally
the world will die along with the humanity.

Everytime you touch her
She surrender
Please remember
She's just a girl
who needs a keeper

Love is not treacherous
Love does not lie
Love does not leave
Love is not weak
But your love is...

what if **** means love?
I *******
what if **** means hug?
**** me please
what if **** means kiss?
**** me slowly
what if **** means leave?
dont **** me
what if **** means hurt?
my heart ****
what if **** means give up?
I will not **** on you
what if **** means the world?
you mean **** to me
what if **** means you?
I would never let **** go
**** is a rude, impolite word
so is love
interrupting every corner of my life

The hazy voices
from the rooms
filled with raging not-so-young beings
staring on the boring white board
fantasizing the fortune they'd be making
you only live once they said
live life to the fullest they story-told
4 years came in a blink of an eye
paths they took
completed the story of life
coming back to when it was started
the place that used to be filled
with loud thud
of their sneakers and heels
teardrops are falling
from the eyes that
used to bore a hole on the white board
no, not because they regret making mistakes
not because they regret not doing best
not because they regret hating on college
but because realization dawns on them
it was all started there
in the void hallways
the friendship
the love
and the future

the brightness of sun
the softly breathing song
the very jocund voice of love
whispered by the trees
drawn by the clouds
in every step she danced
was she blind
or was she dead
to realize that
the world was never cruel
love was never black-hearted
only blithesome day
was left to be enjoyed
for her who suffered enough

throw me pain
give me scars
let 'em choke on me
my throat full of glass
i am burning
burning with vindictive
soar to the sky
insolent feeling
leave me devastated
i am intransigent
to prove
I can stand still