the notes you gave us were so carefully written

cooling
gentle
forgiving

you brought power to the quartet
calm inside calamity were you and your fine fine swaying

looser than your own spine you were swaying side to side
heavy
to the point of light
but your expression was still heavy

your expression was cooling
gentle
forgiving

backed up behind everything
but you are here and you are genuine

haphazardly composed; playing

to me
you might as well be everything

I just said goodbye to us as we've known it
I don't feel like I did it right, the goodbye
It wasn't soft or spiritual
We never locked eyes
You just hugged me tight as we both pretended to be fine

Then you kissed me
and turned around and left
no glance back

it was a simple goodbye  

Not five seconds out the door
it took me one moment to realize
that I had just said hello to the end of us without even looking you in the eyes once

I prayed that you find hope inside disaster

I prayed that if disaster struck
at least maybe you learn from the inevidable

I prayed for the power to protect you
I prayed to forgiven; I failed

I prayed that I would stop worshiping you as if you hailed from the sky

I prayed to those unknown deities
I prayed they would stop taunting me with you

I prayed that maybe I would stop making wishes for you
I prayed that I would not care as much about you

I prayed that angles would stop playing tricks
I prayed their soft tongues and laughing frames would stop placing their creations upon my path like golden gifts on display

but I am on my knees and sitting still
praying that I would stop worshiping you

(you are a blessing
that I've been condemned to)



amen

I came back to a bag of clothes on my bed
that you left there for me while I was gone
they looked little and silly, the things;

once mine, then yours
now neither of us want to take credit for what belongs to us

you were giving back what you'd kept hold on to in the most material way you could

thought basically saying in less words than one
"I've made the choice to forget you"

I experienced
and I wrote:

When I think of you I feel like I am going to cry.
Well, I don't cry
but my stomach decides to cave in and collide with some sort of fluttering that feeds into my lungs
my heartbeat turns into more of a tick

into my stomach a small rock is dropped
it rolls around at the bottom
slowly it gets hot
the heat spreads up my throat and across my chest radiating down to where my elbows meet the inside of my forearms
from there, the energy pulses to my fingertips
its like buzzing but with the addition of tiny little ******
I feel that in my wrists

The heat grows heavier on my chest
now I feel it a bit behind my eyes
my hands that pulsed now throb along with my thighs
now the rock in my stomach decides to put press up on my spine
it tickles in a way that makes me want to laugh to relieve the pressure

I laugh but laughing leaves me feeling winded
my esophagus now thinly coated with a foggy thickness
the word that comes to mind when I think of it is dread

my spine is now a magnet that my ribs want to meet
I breathe out
they sink back towards my spine, reaching for something
my breathing feels forced but at the same time I can't control it

my thighs feel warm and almost swollen
my feet are already cold
each hair on my head seems to gain a pulse
certain ones even feel electric
the stinging in my nose tries to curdle my expression
I try not to let it
but my nose wants my cupid's bow and my jaw wants the corners of my mouth

the rock shifts around again, renouncing itself
my ribs suddenly collapse causing my to inhale my own exhaled breath
the stinging in my nose rides up behind my eyes and

(this is where I usually stop it, often with speech or with another laugh
images carry away sensation
I place them back into those mental pictures of pastimes and things potential and things yet to come, replacing the label with "sadness" with "hope"

knowing now that the rock is just my heart, it finds its way back up to the tiny box where it beats on the walls, constantly trying to find its way back out

I remember that hearts do good
I remember my lips, only then do I realize that they had gone numb
I think of warmth

the stinging in my arms, the picks and the pulses in my fingertips
those are the only things I can't beat
the energy at the inside of my elbows goes back up to my chest and  hovers over my heart

the hovering feeling never goes away

but I remember this energy is mine to live with and move on)

but if I don't stop, if there is a sense of weakness to my day
I feel the urge to smile almost
the burning in my eyes gets hotter, it usually comes in bursts
my vision turns to stained glass
the rock starts punching its way up my spine
my lower eyelids want to sink back towards my face, my eyebrows try to tie themselves in a bow
I try not to blink

now
If I'm lucky, my eyes tear up
If I'm not, tears roll down

my stainless masterpiece ruined by a contorted, conflicted smile-frown

I feel air on my tears
I breathe out and remember thought

my hands want to hold
my arms want to hug
my lips are numb but they know jut as well

that the catalyst has come full circle on this one, love

as you edge your way further into my life
the further away from the one we lead together it seems we get

we are so far apart yet we are getting closer

I am not with you
but you are with me always;

you made a choice to abandon what I was forced to leave and there is a major difference

between living and loving
and still

our separation still remains among so many changes
but still it seems that no distance or distractions keep me away from loving that part of you that is distant and distracted and bracing itself,

taking a breath (don't tell)

pushing back against the thing that reached out to you first
that thing you have chosen to a avoid, easily, based on our circumstances;

Everything that surrounds me is new
Everything that surrounds you was mine

except for your love and your lips on mine
and tell me again,
why couldn't this have happened when you loved me the last time

We share more of our lives than ever before yet next to none of ourselves with each other

its funny how life used to feed us in the opposite manner
but things flip **** sometimes

yet I still say don't worry;

I'm gone but I'm not really really gone
I'm just
away, if that makes sense

and yeah if I'm being honest
I might be gone but I was left

you are loved by me you know
and I hope that helps

know, if anything: I care

(too much maybe)

I'm really am sorry
but I don't know anything else.

I half expected half hoped that you'd walk back through that front door again
and it scares me knowing that I don't know when or if you ever will again
because at this point I won't be there when you do

I set your alarm for 9:00
hit the light on the TV
(it took me way too long to figure out how)
I threw a blanket over you and your limbs strength out of 3/4ths of the couch
your head tilted and arms wrapped around my vacant space as if you were still being held
I put your dishes in the sink
I folded your glasses and put them on the nightstand with your phone so they wouldn't break
I left a spot on the floor next to me in case you might decide to come down
the only thing I didn't do was kiss your check

11:30 I heard you get up for water
you set it by my feet and fell back asleep where I had last left you
as for the water, I must have kicked it
because when I woke up it was spilled all over the floor

reminding me that I always seem to be the one to make the mess
it was the only thing you noticed upon waking, the water glass

so after you left
I cleaned it, realizing as I did
that you never come down to me last night


so this time I cleaned until the room was spotless hoping this time you'd notice the difference I tried to create

but you didn't come home that night

I think that maybe
(maybe)
you mean more to me than I'd like to think

I'd like to think that it hit me
unexpectedly
but I don't
(I really don't)
think it did

I got home from work today
turned off my engine and just sat there

it was raining outside
a little cold
my knees hurt

I found myself thinking of you

thinking about how empty my car felt in this rain without you

/ / /

there is a kindness inside of you that I don't know how to explain
you carry yourself with an essence of unapology that makers itself known

gently

you don't care what people thing but you are by far the most caring

you make chaos something graceful
you strip away labels that do nothing but confuse
you navigate the world with truth, inspiring everything that surrounds you to become its best

if you want something you, you create it
you are purest form of spirit and the epitome of resilient
and I am so grateful for you

/ / /

I have no explanation other than the one sitting right here in this car in the rain but I hope it is enough because there is more love than can fit in my heart for you

too much not to know what to do with it

I am from the  falls of new hope
the buffer zone
from 15 minutes any direction

I am from the backroads
from the meeting of two hills
And cities, several others
I am from nowhere, yet I am close to everything

I am from the riverwalk, where the red wolves wander
From bare feet and wet clothes
From an acre, from a forest

I am from the chaos and unconditional welcoming
From mint chocolate chip ice cream and spaghettios
from doors that don’t lock
Large pots, lots of cars
and six of everything

I am from home, not a place but a feeling
I’m from the honeysuckle
I’m from coffee and tea
I am from separation and celebration
“each end is a new beginning”

I’m from the falls of new hope
The one with the cherry tree
the magnolia mailbox out front

I'm at a loss

but I'm not confused

for the stars are attached to too many truth's

I wanna look up

but can't bring myself to

what if I see something?

something other than you