it’s been a long cold winter
and only a month since I saw you last
my eyes stay wet
I lie and say it’s **** or the weather
nothing keeps me warm like you did

the feeling of rot, the broken glass, the feeling of lead, it doesn’t pass. I am sinking and the air in my lungs leaves me, but all I can think is that once during a good summer we fished here. I held the bucket and you cast the line and like the fish fell off the hook you left

soon I will pay to make the feelings stop

she is everything
godly radiance
her warmth envelops me
stabbing
piercing through

within her light
I am known
but I am burning
desecrated, yet blessed by the flames
too close, and yet too far away?

amalgamated I fall
melted wax
feathers
flesh
idiocy

  it feels divine

I fell through what felt like a void as the worst four years of my life passed

months felt like minutes and the clock made a game of going quicker to spite me

and all the while I withered like a houseplant locked in a closet

I cut myself off from everyone, even family. I wanted to hurt

hell had finally caught me
and I was being
                              dragged
                                            down

now that I have crawled out, I look back at the person that I was as I was falling

and I don't like what I see

I think people are like cookies
not in the way that they are
the best thing ever created
(because in way they are and are not)

they are like a cookies because just walking by one
you will never know what's on the inside
you will only find out by
taking a chunk out
analyzing the insides

seeing if there are any raisins in there (ew)
or if they're more of an M&M kinda person
maybe they look just like a chocolate chip
but have a dried apricot in the middle....??

or maybe they're more of a chocolate brownie bite
with fudge inside and a chip on top

maybe they're a double chocolate cookie,
or maybe a jam thumbprint

or maybe even a store-bought, ****** Lofthouse style
you know the kind
with the icing that tastes like pure chemicals and
pink dye
with loads of soft sprinkles on top

those cookies have got to be the worst

my heart is made of stone
all these years you've broken through
my each and every bone

i have no love to give you,
my heartstrings are pulled taught
all the time that we have spent
will soon be all for naught

i have no love to give you,
i'm as empty as the sky
no love for you if i don't
even want to stay alive

no, i am not a first grader
incapable of knowing when to capitalize
and i type in lowercase to be nonchalant
i don't capitalize 'i' because

i am not important
my self worth is lower than the Mariana Trench
it's hard for me to even address
myself without feeling annoying

i am not more important than the word prestigious
i'm not more pretty than the word beautiful
i am not as nice as the word affectionate
i'm not as secure as the word trustworthy

it's so hard to reprogram your brain to accept
that you can be of some worth, that you can be
desirable at all after years of too much thinking
and being alone and trapped in my mind

everyday i must try my best to remind myself
that the subject of a sentence is being
complemented by the beautiful words
like the way a close friends complement you

i have to remember that there are people there for me
even if my head tries to tell me otherwise
it's a struggle every time, but
'I'
just have to try

the flowers that grow on the trees
look like
muted explosions
but not malicious enough to hurt the eye

the flowers are so tender and soft
and all i can see is nature's true beauty
as the gentle breeze animates the trees

we're standing in my driveway
and it's a vivid spring day

pastel tones tones
swaying lightly in the wind
their sweet fragrance is
only noticeable if you are close

close enough to disregard
the fact that you have allergies and asthma and should
not inhale pollen...

close enough that when you reach out and
touch the branch the impossibly small petals
break free and fall slowly to the ground. . .

close enough that i watch as the petals brush your face
and you are,
for the minute,

at peace.

would you miss me
if i took a trip far away?

you wouldn't see me for a
really
really
long time

could you handle that?
how much do i mean enough to you?
would it be hard?
would you cry?

i've never seen you cry before
i don't want you to be sad

i just want to go away

i don't like to cry in public
but the numbness after is worth the shame

sometimes it feels as though my consciousness
is being pulled back into the deep recesses
of my soul where the scary things are

it lays there for a while before escaping
and being forced to interact with
other people or things

sometimes when you say things
I wonder if you know
just. how. much.
what you say matters to me

other people's words I can brush off
and forget
but your words cut deep
they sting and ache for a while
and maybe longer
until there is only a mark left
only the mirror knows how many wounds
you have inflicted

when you insult me
I will spend the next few days
looking at myself different.
did you know that?
no, you didn't.

you're inconsiderate, to put it nicely
but even our friends note
you're nicer to me.
I wonder why, honestly.

they say home is where the heart is
but then what is a house?
is a house the absence of a heart?
you don't have to like where you live to live there
I'm lucky enough to have a home
some aren't

I am in the personal belief that
making myself someone different
will make more people enjoy yours truly
However, will it really?

the only movement I feel in myself is my
(***** for circulating blood)
little drummer man in my chest
keeping me alive

(insights by 15 year-olds on the known universe)
1. ovens are just spicy refrigerators
2. Costco stores are Karen energy
3. tumblr is just depressed kid's Instagram
4. muffins are just tiny cakes
5. soda is just spicy crunchy juice water
6. caffeine is a psychoactive drug
7. oatmeal cookie batter is crunchy slime
8. arson is just community service
9. tik tok is for unintelligent people
10. ugandan yobungus

and also
continuously
I have thought about connotations
connotations are the meanings and emotions we put on
words
but without them words are just that
words
connotations can take the word "looking"
and turn it into either
"curious"
or
"nosy"
depending on the character, or person
in question

so connotations are odd, indeed

words are things people call beautiful
but really
is it the words or the order that we admire?

I have a bone to pick with people
who have
the audacity
the gall
the *****
to put Nutella
in the fridge

if you don't know what happens
when you
put Nutella
in the fridge
I will tell you.

when you
put Nutella
in the fridge
it gets all hard

similar to when frosting is put
in the fridge
or when you lose your innocence

then when a cool person comes along
(ex. Me)
wanting to make a
GLORIOUS
peanut butter and Nutella sandwich
and it's FROZEN
mmmmm...

let's just say that persons' quality of life
will be dimmed

ring*

oh. my phone.

connecting with people is hard
high speed data makes it look easy

well, I think the meaning of life
goes a little something like this

love everyone you can. no. not like that.
appreciate everyone's efforts to live
and love others

"survival of the fittest"
more like survival of the happiness

Sometimes I just think about things
let my mind run, as free as the creek which babbles
furiously at the injustice of the world

I think about
school
people
friends
food
the inevitability of the doom of the human race

boomers

to

millenials

to

zoomers

to

doomers

to

DEAT­H


I'm
scared scared scared scared scared
of all the stuff
there is to think about

ok  now. that's enough of that.

I'll be happy now
with the time I have left
content with my demise
smiling at the death
of all the fake things I care about

That moment

There is a moment in your day when
you


YEET that empty can into a crowd full of people and SCREAM
"THIS BEVERAGE THAT I HAVE PURCHASED PREVIOUSLY AT THE MACHINE IS NOW EMPTIED OF IT'S CONTENTS PREVIOUS TO ME THROWING SAID EMPTY ALUMINIUM INTO A HALLWAY!!"

There
comes
a time
when
you
are too
weak
and you
just
have to
hope
          '
'  '  '  '


'  '  '  '
          '
there's
som­eone
on the
other
side
reaching
out
and
maybe
they can reach you

There are some days
when
        you
              just
                    don'­t
              want
           to
      do

a      y    h     n  
    n     t      i      g

and you just wanna sit around
   and eat food and...
       and feel depressed

THEN
you run into your friend
and your friend's like 'we don't do that around here buddy'

lining up at the start
that's all it takes
just line up

you cant win if you dont try
can you?

rhyming is hard
who do you think I am,
a bard?

i try my best,
but i fail the test
of being funny
or rhyming, buddy

it's hard
but imma try my best
i don't like math
but science is ok

man, am i
s
a
d
.
i think i need
h
e
l
p
,
but for now im ok