I've never been addicted
But I keep thinking about it.
Just taking one pill,
it might ease the pain.

All I want is for the pain to go away.
All I want is for my brain to quiet.

I've never been addicted,
But everytime I see an orange bottle,
I wonder what'd happen if I had my way.

My scars, battle wounds.
They're supposed to remind me the battles I've won.
So why does it feel like the battle only really just begun?

I would love to write a beautiful piece,
On how death welcomed me.
The reality is I didn't have time.
My feet left the ground,
Wind in my hair,
And for a moment I felt finally free.
Then all that mattered was gravity.

Splat!

I'm tired of not being in control.
Of not having choices.
"Everything is a choice!"
Yea, no. If I made the choices,
I'd go to sleep tonight, and never again.

I loathe not being in control.
Not having choices.
My thoughts run themselves, no matter my desire.
How I wish I could stop thinking.
How I wish I could control my emotions.

I wish I was in control of my own body.

Life has always been hard.
It's never been easier than with you.
SO WHY DOES IT FEEL SO **** HARD TOO.

Yesterday a car crash,
But not bad enough.
Today I'm sore and tired,
But not dead.

I'll try harder next time.

To my younger self.                                      
You will struggle.
You will fail.
You will fall.
But don't you ever give up.

In years to come, you will struggle with less.
Be loved more.
And get up faster.

If you knew then what you know now.
This stage you're going through wouldn't be so hard.
When you feel lost in the world and hopeless.
Remember these words I tell you now.

You will be where you are meant to be.
You will be with who you are meant to be with.
And *******, you will succeed.
Why?
Because: You. Never. Gave. Up.

Depression.
One word that row off the tongue so easily can destroy one's soul.
people who haven't gone through it don't know it's affects.
People who have cut and burned and scratched and harmed themselves are yelled at.
Yet the peoe who tell them Not to, a good chunk of them haven't gone through and don't know that it's not something you can control.
Once you're in your deepest state of depression,  it's easy to go insane and hard not to harm yourself.
When you think that you've finally recovered from depression you're wrong.
At least for some people.
For me.
You get to the point where you think you know what happiness in and the  you realize. Nobody is smiling at you. They're all smiling at your "friend" who always walks away with people they know whithout asking if you wanna go.
No one ever asks if YOU wanna go hang out. Nope. They only ask if they don't wan a go alone or need something from you.
And after a x"happy"x day you go home. Sleep it off. Wake up. And then it hits you again.
Depression
So you're crying and you don't even know why.
But once you stop crying, you have a moment to realize why you we're crying.
Because one person in this world cant do anything but be there.
In the nidist of the crowd, they're just there.
Like a little piece of dust. They have no reason to be there.
They just ARE.
And yet people say that life is a blessing and to live it while you can.
...But...
We are born to live and we all live to die. So what's the point of living life if it just contradicts.
I talk a lot of happiness and inspirational **** but that doesn't mean that's who I am inside.
Inside this dark body.
There is no soul anymore.
For I am too grown to live carefree.
To live happy.
To live the fullest.
To live at all.
Depression
Depression always come back to attack.
53 and counting.
Scars that show my feeling locked behind the bars.
53 of my visible war scars.
People have encouraged me.
People have yelled.
Cried.
And yet the small silver piece of metal still lays in my drawer.
The small silver sliver of hope.
People don't understand what it's like to be me.
For I am not like others.
I asked.
'How do you feel afterwards?'
They all said;
Depressed
Sad
Guilty
angry
Regretful.
And then they asked me.
'How do you?'
And of course. My answer.
'Proud
Happy
In control
Confused '
I laugh the whole time.
I cry because it doesn't hurt and I know that it should hurt.
I cry because all the emotions flow out into the small silver metallic blade.
And it flies angrily over my wrist and arm.
Vertically
Horizontally
Diagonally.
Squares
Letters
Words
Numbers
Insults
And yet I'm still in the stage of depression.
Depression
Depression
Depression

With the sky so blue
Those beautiful orbs
Your eyes, blue too.

For they shine like the sea
But not green and misty
Like the beaches of white sand
With the water crystal clear.

The shells under the water
Gleam and glow
They bring sparks of color
Like your eyes when the sun is low

There's so much they hold
Most I couldn't bare
But I wonder how they're so strikingly bold.

Your eyes are blue
They shine like crystal water
And see shells gleaming.
But beneath those eyes
There is a person
Behind your pearly white smile
There is a soul.

For features can be beautiful
But nothing can outdo
A beautiful soul.

God Is A Woman.
God is a black woman.
God is a black woman, with frizzy coarse hair.
God is a woman who knows that everything is not what it seems.
God is righteous and good. God is a righteous and good woman.
God is a smart woman with more knowledge than humankind.
God is a black woman, with frizzy coarse hair.
God is a black woman.
God is a woman.

I cant wait to meet the woman who rules the world.