I would simply drift away.
I smile thinking about it.
I would just rot.
I would no longer exist as human.
I would let my body decay.
I quite enjoy the thought of allowing withering away...

If they died what would you do?
I cry when they leave and sometimes when they're right next to me.
So maybe if they died I wouldn't have tears to cry.
No that's not right.
I'd cry all day and all night until I was dry.
Until my face was tight and my eyes and throat sore.
I'd spend a lot of time in bed.
If they died.

If they died? I'd die too.
Only my death won't require my heart to stop beating,
Or my lungs to stop breathing.
Only my death will allow me to still feel the pain of desire.
The need of contact that can no longer be satisfied.
I'll still see them everywhere that the space is empty.
But I'll never get to embrace them again.
Never to kiss, or hug, or play with their hair.
You see if they died...
I'd be nothing but a shell.
Because the rest of me would be buried with them.

That's it is hard.
To see me like this.
Have you reminded yourself recently.
That I don't want to be like this?

When my need to be held
Meets my crippling fear of being taken cared for

"Hey, are you okay?"

I am drowning.
Fire licks my lungs,
anvils sit in my stomach.
Fingers snake around my wrists pulling me down.
Chains clink as they tether themselves to my ankles.
My throat is being crushed by that monster.
My mouth is covered.
My watery tears are enough to overcome this.
I cannot scream.
I cannot cry.
The bags in my eyes grow deeper.
Darker.
I am a shell of what I was.
I cannot see what is in front of me.
I can not see what could come.
I am drowning.

"I'm fine. Just tired."
Exhausted.
I smile.

One:
March
A son, a brother.
Ended his story early.
Two:
July
A daughter, a mother.
Fought a battle she couldn't win.
Three.
October
A sister to #2, a daughter.
Causes unknown.

They say it comes in threes,
So lord please let us be.

What do you see when you look?
Do you base on race?

If you were white,
Would you be a *****?
If you were black,
Would you immediately be a criminal?
If you were asain,
Would you be a genius?
If you were Mexican,
Would your family be large?

Or do you see religion?

If you're muslim,
Are you a terrorist?
If you're Catholic,
Are you stuck up?
If you're Jewish,
Are you greedy?
If you're Baptist,
Are you a hypocrite?

Rather then that is the first thing you see gender or age?

Say you're a woman,
Would you be weak?
Say you're a man,
Would you be the boss?
Say you're young,
Would you be dumb?
Say you're old,
Would you be wise?

Or maybe academics are key?

If you wear glasses,
Does that make you nerdy?
If you are "preppy"
Does that make you mean?
If you play football,
Does that make you a leader?
If you're a cheerleader,
Does that make you a follower?

If you were smart,
Does that mean you are bullied?
If you are dumb,
Does that make you popular?
If you were always loud,
Does that make you ignorant?
If you're always quiet,
Does it make you emo?

So if you use a scholarship,
Does that make you poor?
So you don't use a scholarship,
Does that make you spoiled?
Maybe you go to a private school,
Then are you a snob?
Maybe you go to public school,
Then are you a hoodrat?

Maybe it's appearance first noticed but what does that say?

Cause if you arent a size 0,
Does that make you ugly?
If you aren't big enough,
Does that make you unhealthy??
If you weren't muscular,
Does that make you scrawny?
If you're muscular,
Does that mean you're trying too hard?

So you've got blond hair,
But does that mean you're stupid?
Or maybe red hair,
Does that mean youre quick to lose your temper?
If you wear makeup,
Does that mean you're hiding?
If you don't wear makeup,
Does that mean you're boring?
If you care what other think,
Are you self conscious?
If you don't care what others think,
Are you conceited?

What about....
What about if you were just you?
Would you be the same?
Would you be seen differently?
These things shouldn't matter.
But they do.
Oh so much
First impressions are most important
But oh so tough.

Why are you based on what you look like,
Or what you believe.
Why are you based on your gender,
Or how you do in school?

Judgements shouldn't be made,
But they are every single day.
In every single way.
But these things don't define you,
They don't explain you nor I.

We all bleed the same,
We see the same.
So why?

It doesn't matter if you're black or if your white.
It doesn't matter if you're Catholic or Muslim.
It doesn't matter if your skin is wrinkled or tight.
It doesn't matter if you're a woman or a man,
And it doesn't matter what size you wear.

Have you ever felt
Like you were living your life,
In third person?

Like the person you are,
The body you use,
It doesn't really belong to you.

Like you're just the observer?
Life is a movie,
And you've got a front row seat.

I'd like control of my body please.

Undoubtfully Beautiful and so Painfully Fleeting.

Who am I?
I am the girl who lined her ducks in a row.
I am the girl who laminated her high school graduation plan.
I am the girl who hung the requirements above her bed.
I am the girl who cried the first time she got a C on a test.
I am the girl who has tried so hard her entire life.
I am the girl that everyone used for notes.
I am the girl that kept the class afloat.
I am the girl who always knew what she wanted.
I am the girl who had it all figured out.
I am the girl with a plan.
I am the girl who attended three schools at once.
I am the girl who graduated with honors in a technical school.
I am the girl most likely to be successful.

Who am I?
I am the girl who decided to go to college during the pandemic.
I am the girl who thought I would regret waiting.
I am the girl who thought I would graduate in four years.
I am now the girl debating dropping out.
I am the girl who has given up.
I am the girl who is tired beyond belief.
I am the girl being rejected.
I am the girl who is failing.
Failing to stay afloat myself.
Failing to meet the requirements.
I am the girl who is doing well but not enough.
I am the girl who has forgotten.
Forgotten how to live, laugh, and enjoy life.
I am the girl who is stressed.
I am the girl that adults tell to relax.
I am the girl who has lost herself.
I am the girl with no identity.

I am the girl with no identity.
Because my entire life was future-based.
Because I was the most likely to succeed.
Because I did everything in my power to be the best.
Because I still was not doing enough.
I am the girl who was supposed to be an inspiration.
I am the girl who was considered lucky because I always had a plan.
Now I am the girl who is lost.

Who am I?
I am the girl who lined her ducks in a row.
I am the girl who laminated her high school graduation plan.
I am the girl who hung the requirements above her bed.
I am the girl who cried the first time she got a C on a test.
I am the girl who has tried so hard her entire life.
I am the girl that everyone used for notes.
I am the girl that kept the class afloat.
I am the girl who always knew what she wanted.
I am the girl who had it all figured out.
I am the girl with a plan.
I am the girl who attended three schools at once.
I am the girl who graduated with honors in a technical school.
I am the girl most likely to be successful.

Who am I?
I am the girl who decided to go to college during the pandemic.
I am the girl who thought I would regret waiting.
I am the girl who thought I would graduate in four years.
I am now the girl debating dropping out.
I am the girl who has given up.
I am the girl who is tired beyond belief.
I am the girl being rejected.
I am the girl who is failing.
Failing to stay afloat myself.
Failing to meet the requirements.
I am the girl who is doing well but not enough.
I am the girl who has forgotten.
Forgotten how to live, laugh, and enjoy life.
I am the girl who is stressed.
I am the girl that adults tell to relax.
I am the girl who has lost herself.
I am the girl with no identity.

I am the girl with no identity.
Because my entire life was future-based.
Because I was the most likely to succeed.
Because I did everything in my power to be the best.
Because I still was not doing enough.
I am the girl who was supposed to be an inspiration.
I am the girl who was considered lucky because I always had a plan.
Now I am the girl who is lost.

It's hard to fall out of love with someone
You never really loved.
But it's hard to love someone I've never known.

How could I fall in love with a shell? Someone who never is themself?
I don't know what they like,
What they want, or dream about.

I don't think I've ever really met them.
But here I am again.
Because I may never meet myself.
I may never know who I am.
So how could I love a stranger?

The way I love you is beyond words.
But your smile gives me joy,
Your laugh plays in mind all day,
and your smell eases me to sleep.

Your insecurities don't show to me
like they do for you.
I just see the beauty in your eyes,
the way your body heat envelops me.
The way we fit so perfectly,
and how seemingly perfect you are.

I love you not despite your flaws.
But I love you with your flaws.

I can love you so tremendously,
Yet believe I am incapable of being seen the same way.
Why do we love endlessly,
And believe that we aren't worthy of love.
If you can love..
You can be loved.
You are already.

I wish I believed.
That it was easy to love me.

Because it's easy to love you.
Hurt and all.
But it seems like so much more work to love me.

I'm sorry I'm not easier to love.

"You signed up for this."
"You knew what you were getting into."
"You knew it was going to be hard.
So stop crying."

It is easier said than done.
When half my heart is gone.

You may not see me
For my mask of sorrow hides me
You can see me smiling
But that's merely what I want you to see.
I'm not blind to your pity

Yes, yes.
You say I'm brave and oh so strong
"Everything will get better"
Please be quiet
For my ears are sore,
And this conversation is much too long

I don't want your pity
I don't want your sorries
Yea I'm hurting
No I'm not okay.

Yes I'll survive
Yes it'll be alright.
But I don't want your casserole
I don't want your muffins

I don't want your attention
Now that I've lost someone so dear
I don't need your homemade cookies
And don't want to sit and talk
And No, I don't want a beer

Yes I'm hurting.
No I'm not okay.
But I don't want your help.
Nothing will change anyway.

Send me in.
So I may not feel more.
Amen.

First as a thought
Then as a life
Once as a dream
Ending in a scheme

Once as a husband
Then as a father
For him,
Children were no bother

One is a daughter
And one a sonn
Once as father
His time was done

Once was a life
Lived in strife
Once was a boy
Who innocently loved his toy
And as this boy grew
His experience did too

He learned to live
Learned to love
The one he loved
As elequent as a dove
And as he grew
His love did too.
His love was returned
By the one he so yearned

And after a while
A white dress came to style
With two circles of gold
Their hearts were sold

As they raised their son
They awaited nine months to come
For a baby girl would soon run
Time passed with joy
Until the day momma screamed out
"OH BOY"
8:15 early mornin
The baby girl was born

There once was a daughter
There once was son
The once was a father
Who thought he had won

Two years passed
As life slowly collapsed
Well father got ill
And momma cried, paying the medical bills
Until her last 'I love you'

11 years late, still to this day
For mother, son and daughter,
Father will never fade away

Another year later
12 since he passed
The memories and thoughts
Of daddy haven't faded away

13 years since that fatefull day
Memories stay and stay
For many more to come,
Another year, on and on.
Closer to seeing daddy
In years to come,
daughter will be embraced again

There is a daughter
And there is a son
There's also a mother
Who will forever love my father

I impatiently wait for the break of Dawn
For I fear someone will drop a bomb
And when morning comes they will awake
And then the world will begin to crumble & flake
The government will fall
and when the New Order Stands Tall
adaptation will be a must
Forget "in God we trust"
When they threw values in the trash
Life as we knew it changed in a flash
Forget about the Holocaust
Under their words, ALL humanity is lost
And anyone who decides to protest
Will be put to death.... At best
I sign as a whole
For the government has taken its toll

December 23, 2023

I am the partner.
The partner that reminds you,
You're doing a good job.
Especially when all you can do is get out of bed.

The partner that drives to get your safe food,
After a long day of work so that you eat.
The partner that checks in regularly.
The partner that will always take care of you.

I am the partner.
The partner that slowly falls apart.
Because I will only always take care of you.

Forget world peace.
Create peace,
In AMERICA

When you're gone...
It's lonely, I'm very lonely but it's peaceful.
I would take peaceful over not feeling lonely Every. Single. Day.

In my own body.

Unable to life the weight.
Pulling me into the cement.
Unable to hear the world around me.
My heartbeat too loud.

Prisoner.

In my own mind.

Locked behind bars,
And Unable to need.
Numb, or screaming trying to get out.
Both locked inside the walls.
Nobody but myself to hear.

Prisoner.

I could write

A simple rhyme
Simply to take up time.

Or

A quiet novel
Whispering about a lover who grovels.  

Or

A bold song
To share what’s been on my mind so long.

But

This is just a simple rhyme.
Simply because I have the time.

I know I am.
For ignoring, for forgetting.
For not caring.
I'm sorry.

I'm just fighting to survive.
It's hard to wake up.
It's hard to sleep.
I know it's selfish, but I have to focus on surviving.

My body is in pain.
All I want to do sleep.
But my brain won't shut up, saying I'm not doing enough.

Have you ever wanted to *****,
Just so the discomfort wasn't entirely in your head?
Would it feel more real then?