Denial,
such a human emotion.

So quick am I to turn my back,
to close my eyes against the truth

So adamant that it must be wrong

it must

For if I am right I would have to face the consequences of something that is out of my control.


If denial is my first instinct, to claw my way out of the quicksand

then why,

when I came out,

did I never except denial from you?

They say we are like beasts in the night;

Senseless and wild.
Menacing fangs, ready to devour the world.



In truth, we are like wolves;

Untamed with teeth to rip apart all who dares threaten our packs.

With furs to cuddle the biting cold away, sharp ears and eyes to pick up on the first signs of danger.



In truth, we are like cats;

Finding our home back from the streets,

Or simply knowing how to get away from the hand that feeds nothing but pain.



In truth, we are like rats;

Blamed for a disease we do not have,

Deemed filthy and wretched by all who refuse know us.



In truth, we are like crows;

Beloved by the outcasts,

Flock together into groups, loyal with a love that can bring gods down.



In truth, we are like mint;

Impossible to get rid of, no matter how many of us you pluck out of this earth.

Persistent and all the more lovely for it.



You say we are like seeds planted in pots;

Destined to settle down the way the gardeners dictated, all other possible futures disregarded.



In truth, we are like the moon;

the phases are nothing but your refusal to see as us a whole.

Growing up, we know one day we'll die.

One single time.

They've never prepared us for when the first is not the last,
soul ripping out while we're still breathing.
A heart beats to the rhythm of what's now missing.

Darling, when you'll die a piece of me will go with you,
as I will mourn the deaths of both of us,
Until we will be reunited again in the endless oblivion

Blood is thicker than water.

I'm nine years old and my mother had sighed us both up for a dieting course.

At eighteen I still see how interchangeable fatness and ugliness are to her.

I still have to stop myself from thinking of skipping meals after I ate "too much".

Clinging to the fear of the slippery ***** that serves as my only guard.


I see it in my friends too,
comforted by their opposition for what my mother had embraced like gospal for the helpless fools.



Blood is thicker than water.

I like the hairs on my body.
The short and soft strands that cover my legs, blonde and black and all too
natural.

Removing them leaves my legs red and *****-*****- pickling for days but-

My sister laughs through a wrinkled nose,
My cousin tells stories, horrified, of women like me,
Mother says it's unhygienic and would not let me leave the house like this.


I haven't worn shorts in years.

But my friends' confident '*******' to everyone who isn't them,
who dares control their bodies and shame them into pain or hiding,

makes me feel like one day I might wear them again.



Blood is thicker than water,

I find it hard to talk to people.
The thought of discussing anything more than trivial matters makes my lunges heavy in my chest.

Talking to my parents- a heavy led filling what seem less and less like lungs with every passing second.

Talking to my friends- the heaviness doesn't always go away, but the weight doesn't get harder to bear.


I heard my mother tell a friend how her kids talk to her about everything.

A bitter laugh never tasted so much as the sea.



Blood is thicker than water,

Since I can remember myself, I never wanted kids.
Took me years so unveil why.

The dismissal cut deep when Mother assumed she knew me better than I do, a cruel arrogance for what she must only consider her property.
'You'll change your mind and give me grandchildren'

A payment for my life-
"Interest" she calls it.



Blood is thicker than water,

When I came out to you, dear parents, you once again ignored me

as if I hadn't tortured myself enough,

as if it hadn't taken me years trying to accept myself before you turned your back on me with cruel dismissal.

As if I don't still struggle.


All I have left is to fall back on my friends' support again,

being caught in their loving embrace without ever asking to.



They say you can't choose your family but-

the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.

If I told you I could love,
Would you finally be happy?
See me grovel at your feet, submit to your delusions of
The perfect world in the palm of your hand.

If I told you I could lust,
Would I satisfy your thirst with my lies?
Sweet drops of honey covered deception, the sting solely in my heart.

Could I live like this, I wonder.
If only I could face the road of rotten land, live in the shadows and the muck of sweet lies,
Of honey covered poison.

I could write ballads of love
Fake as the silicone fillings of the next word,
Beautiful as glistening eyes that never met

But if I forget the words by morning,
Sentences never put to paper, forgotten and forlorn

Would I even care?
Most likely not

Don't ask me for more that I can give,
I can only guess the consequences.

My heart and soul push against my mouth every time you analyze my answers,
sealing it shut with empty humor and nervous glances at the clock.

Your eyes scan me as an intrigued scientist would a lab rat.

Dismissing it as curiosity doesn't make me feel less of an open skull,
brain laid out on a table before your intrusive fingers.

Our languages got fixed up, I said one day.
You believe in unrestrained openness and I believe in boundaries.

A dog and a cat play together in different speeds.

I understand you feel like I'm not giving you enough,
but I don't want to pay for our friendship with every passing thought that crosses my mind, every emotion my heart has ever felt.

Sharing is like giving you blood.
Each drop drains me more and more until my heart is left empty, my vains running dry.

I know they don't exist, but sometimes I can't help but see you as a vampire.

When I say I don't want to talk about it you interpret it as an invitation to probe farther.

Telling you that it's none of your business would only turn you against me and I do not feel like running circles around my apologetic lies.

You said that the cracks you make in me will deepen our friendship, I'm afraid of falling down the endless void they create.

When I told you of the blood and the cracks,
you pitied me and said you'd wait for another moment to search into my psyche.

A venomous snake hiding in a fruitful bush, my privacy is not a level to forcefully unlock.

I appreciate what you have shared with me, I have shared planty with you as well.
Don't weigh them against each other, the percentages are nothing but a false debt.

And after you hear this poem, don't run to me with glistening tears and ask me for more that I can give, I don't owe you my life.

That relatable gay dream of running away,
Wind blowing through what's left of your hair,
the first ties to be cut.

That relatable gay fear, questions you'd rather not asked and that subsequent relatable gay sorrow after the answers.

That relatable gay loneliness, all hollow spaces and devoted secrecy.
Bitten back tongues and hidden colors.

That relatable gay moment of finding love in your friends.
Not the kind that you kiss but the kind you hold dear in the night,
as tears drip from cheeks to shoulders.

That relatable gay plan of holidays with your other gay friends, a real family, the one who would love you no matter what.
Cheers and queers and all too far away.

That relatable gay longing for love-
true love-
Like the kind they never show in fairytales,
Real and supportive, never hidden away or forgotten.

That relatable gay anger,
Boiling from injustice always under the surface,
Waiting to erupt in pointless shouts of grief for a world that was not built for me.

That relatable gay exhaustion, hostile slurs and benignant apathy blending together into a reality of unending fights just to keep on existing.

So when someone asks me what makes you a community I show them all those relatable gay moments of anguish and loss, of solemn support and stolen minutes.

And I tell them of how terrible it is that they are so very relatable,
But how wonderful it is that we could at least live through them together.

Ego doesn't start a war.

Greed does.

Blood for golden honey, dripping down the lips of rich men finding immortality in money.

Ego may cause a war.
Ego is the lie that the richer-by-the-second men craft so brilliantly
and sell to the masses.

We can understand the blooming bruises of ego, a human emotion to unite us into unspeakable horror.

When we take whatever reason they give us, the blindfold will only come off as the bullet shoots through.

Too late.
Far too late.

A warning for you, my poor worker bees:

Watch for the flow of honey.
Watch for the sting of the queen.

Sometimes,
all that's left of a friend is the wallet they bought you for your birthday, in the bittersweet smile that appears on your face when you remember that moment.

Sometimes,
they are only in the stories you tell. Their name escapes your lips before you even realize they were there.

Sometimes,
they are in the little moments of regret.
The dull pain between so very few heartbeats before they're gone again.

Sometimes,
they are in shelves of shops,
in "they would like it" thoughts before you realize you can't even remember the last time you've met.

Sometimes,
they are in the moments when you can.

But now they only exist in old photobooks, in fading memories.

In dreams, their faces side by side complete strangers.

They are everywhere.

But really, they are nowhere.

I want to be kissed the same way I once craved adventure;
A little girl, dreaming of climbing mountains, of quests just like the ones in her books.

The same girl dreams now of the gentleness of soft hands cradeling my face, of stars in my eyes and giggles in the night.

I want to be kissed the same way I once craved adventure;
In theory.

I want not the cuts and bruises from the stones, the unbearable sun beating down at me as I climb higher and higher.

I want not the relationship, strange lips meeting mine.
I don't want to see a face all too close, to know its details or hear its name.

I don't want to be kissed.
I want the fantasy of romance, the love of the story, the soft gestures of imagination.

If I am but a character of my own creation,
then I don't want the story to come true.

Your bones have not yet grown weary and tired,
but I still catch myself saying goodbye.
Between forehead kisses and morning cuddles, I think of the days to come.

Your last day might be tomorrow, just as mine.
Your last day is long way to come, mine even longer.

Impossibly longer compared to yours.

I catch myself saying goodbye in fresh tears and desperate holds.
In the days when I can barely look at you, forcing back my eyes to meet yours, knowing I will regret all the moments I looked away.

When I was little, I dreamed of immortality.
I didn't understand, I hadn't thought of the quiet ways you say goodbye, years before they're gone.

How fast a single year passes compared to seven.
How slow.

I've given you my soul as if it could grant yours more time with me.

I would have given you more, I would have shared my days with you until my hair began to fall in white strands, thin old spiderwebs,
and I'll know I have no more time to give.

As I look at you I can't help but think of the creatures of the dark and air, light and fire who are fated to lose their loves to old age for eternity.

As I look at you, I can do nothing but wonder if they feel the same.

No longer a dreaming child, I look in the face of immortality.
I will not live forever, I will not outlive the earth.

But I will outlive you, an unbearable burden to survive through.

An unbearable weight for the day we'll both say, Goodbye.

I have two things hidden in my closet:
Your birthday gift and my pride flags.

I ran to my room and tore them down from the walls the moment our company has arrived,
Preserving our doll house image.
The natural heterosexuallity I've learned to imitate.

So,
I suppose in a sense,
I have two gifts for you hidden in my closet.

Mother,

No metaphor can describe what I'm feeling.

No bird longing for freedom nor the flower growing in a rotting land will suffice.


You don't need to show your shame in sharp words,

your dismissal cuts deep enough.


I told you who I am and you erased it like it was written on a white board,

black dust sticking to your fingers.


My voice, echoing on deaf ears.

The walls, stronger than me.

Better listeners then you.


I imagine tearing off my flags from the closet door.

Ripping then to shreds then sobbing over their loss.


I hang them there to remind myself to be strong.

How weak is it then, that one word from you left me staring at them in silence.

A dull pain replacing the thumping of my heart.


How weak is it then, that this poem, which will never reach you,
left me crying hot, dripping tears,

the first rain of the season.


You told me you accept me, a contract with white words written between the lines.

You told me you don't mind, I didn't take you for a liar.

You hugged me and I believed everything was fine.

I still do, in the silence between rain drops.


Did you know that a scoff can leave purple green bruises?

Healing slowly and alone.


You must know that words leave scars,

even if they are being said absently with the wave of your hand.

Perhaps especially so.


I told you who I am and your first reaction was to tell me I'll grow out of if,
as if I had discovered myself yesterday.

I explained and your second reaction was to treat it like an ideology,
as if it was ever a choice for me in the first place,
something to be learned.


You refused to listen further, I doubt that you've ever started to.


You didn't understand my fascination with wings taking flight before I told you.

You still hadn't connected the dots, the shackles of ignorance at my feet.


We are the flower.
Your behavior- the rotting land.

The growth- feet firmly on the ground, wings curled around my body, twitching to be let out.


I wonder, deep at night, if I will ever find the right metaphor.

I know that I won't.

There was solace in the quiet,
before you opened your mouth

And proved me wrong.

Like a hawk in a hunt, a fresh guard,
I held into my walls.

Surely they will accept me.
Surly they won't.
Black and white together, mixing into gray in a never ending spiral.

Long after you knew and hugged me a warm reassurance,
I told you, yet again, I have never been attracted to a man and probably never will

And you shot the bird out of the sky with your words of,
Never say never.

When I die,
Don't let me die straight.
Don't let the world think that I enjoyed *** and romance strictly with the opposite ***.

When I die,
Don't let me die cisgender.
Don't let the world remember me through misgendering.
Don't let them bury me in the wrong cloths,
Don't let them cover it all up with their fancy words.

History came as history goes,
Twisted with every word.
Just because I talked to that one once,
doesn't mean that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with them.

Take the evidence, don't throw it away.
Don't let it rot as it's being washed over again.
Hold it up, don't let them bury me deep down in their lies
Pass it around, don't let them ignore my cries.

Don't let them walk over my grave as I lie.
Don't let them erase me when I die.
If I am to be remembered somehow,
Remember me as the queer that I was.

Like remoras surrounding a great shark, Death too has company.
Little flecks of despair floating in the air around your body.

Desperate for their master, they harm you.
They can not touch a hair of your body, nor lay a hand on your shoulder.

Instead, they whisper.
Mean little thoughts, innocent suggestions that are nothing if not malicious.

Little proposals masked as questions-
"what if you did"

They can not push you off a building,
but they can urge you to stand at its top during a windy night.

They can not control your body to run in front of the hurrying cars,
but they can tell you-
"maybe you should"

Death has many little devotees, reuniting at the collection of your soul.

What if one day,
standing in front of her cage,
you'll tell the bird that she could be free?

Do you think that she does not know of the limited space you permit her to live in?

Have you mistaken the ruffle of her wings as nothing more that a call for attention?

Do you think she is happy when you Trim her wings?
Feed her seeds? 
Gift her sparkling jewelry?

Do you call her complicated because you don't want to listen to her needs?

Do you believe that she will not squawk and bite strange hands coming to pet her feathers?

Why do you curse the nightingale when she does not sing you a symphony from her cage, but spits in your face?


Birds do not exist to please your eyes.

They don't build their nests for your pleasure, do not grow their colorful feathers out of consideration to your opinions.

Birds,
are simply living beings existing in the same world as you.

You pressed down on my carbon body and said it is to make me into a diamond.

I let you.

I wanted to be the perfect, bright stone the world put on a pedestal to adore.


I basked in the pressure you put on me,
ignored the cracks,
the powder that drifted down my hands like falling sand.


I did not know how they chip away at diamonds to make them smooth and shimmering.

Shrink them, only to regret it later.


It hurt, but I let your steamroll compress on my carbon arms,

rolling my eyes as you taught me at the rockes that slipped out of your grip.


Even the ones that got away praised my endurance.

They didn't see the sweat dripping down, the heat in my eyes.

Or maybe they did and thought it was a price I am willing to pay.


The world taught me that diamonds are the most beautiful stones,
so I let you wash me of color.

Helped you peel away my blue and red and yellow,
leaving nothing but a hollow reflection of the world.


Staying up at night, I felt the weight of you,
always,
pushing down at my lunges, seizing my heart.


Even when I was away, I still felt your unrelenting hold,
putting my head between your fingers and demanding I will not look away.


You pressed and compressed but I didn't turn to diamond,

I turned to dust.

Through the skimming of a worn out book I found a garden.

Full of welcoming people, full of love.

All like me, all so different,

Recognition and understanding is what they thought of.


Among the blooming flowers, where they talked.

Under the buzzing of the trees, where they joked.

Bonding over what connected them,

their uniqueness among the stars.


I rose to find the garden, reading of our history.

Holding the answers in my hands like lilac skies and green earth.


As I read, the rotten leaves crunched under my feet.

Looking up, no person greeted me,

none were there to be found.


Smoke covered the trees, the silence overwhelming.

There was nothing to breath in, but blood and destruction.


Oh, I soon wished for the silence to wrap itself around me again.

Silence is better than spitting hot hate, when the quiet before the storm is all you can hope for.


They held the torches, standing in front of the still burning flowers.

A meaningless crusade for the innocents, a terror fueled by ignorance.


I am not ashamed for running.

I'm not ashamed until night falls,
until I think of all the souls that followed my path and decided to speak up,

a lost cause weighing them down so they could no longer stand upright.


Through the skimming of my book I found a garden.

Once beautiful and peaceful, now torn to shreds.

Full of welcoming people who had not burned alive,

who had not died.

I didn't see the walls set ablaze.

I didn't watch the doors lock.

I didn't hear the first scream.

I didn't smell the smoke.


I came to the town to find my people.

To bond and joke over what made us
special, unique
The same


I came to the town because I heard that within the kingdom, that's where I'll find the land they, too, had to claim.


Burn scars greeted me,
Silence at the doors.

Bloodied stones littered the streets,
Decaying flowers in their pots.


A gray plank nailed
on a barren door.

A last testimony
from the people who called it home.


Dear wanderer,

We have ran for the hills, we have scattered across the land.

One day we will return,
Demand our freedom and acceptance.

But for now, dear traveler, if you are one of us,
know there are people in the world, know that you're not alone.


I wiped my tears.
I walked away.

At the edge of town I turned around,

From the scorched ground, underneath the healing ancient tree,

a purple flower bloomed on fresh grass.


A promise for a second chance.

When you were feeding me pesticides, you asked if you were poison.

No, of course not.

How can you be poison when the fruit is so sweet?


When your control over me spread like cancer, you asked if you were a disease.

No, of course not.

There is nothing alarming about you, nothing to widen my eyes at with worry.


When I choked on my tears, you asked if you were a flood ready to drown us both.

No, of course not.

You are nothing like the unyielding water, scratching at the rock until it was as smooth as them.


When your short fuse scotched me, you asked if you were a fire destined to burn down the world.

No, of course not.

You are warm and safe, but not dangerous-
I mouthed silently at night.


When I was lying on the floor, barely clinging to consciousness, you asked if you were death.

No, of course not.

Death is merciful.
Death is inescapable.


When I was dreaming of you, you asked again if you are all of those horrible things.

Yes.

Yes you were.

I sent you a letter.

I'm sorry that I didn't just say it out loud,
but I couldn't look at you as our faces mirrored each other's heartbreak.

Yours then mine.


I couldn't be there as you struggled to give me an answer,
couldn't just tell you without giving you space.

I wish I could talk to you,
that my mouth won't fill with silence when it is opened.

That I'll stop wrapping the silence around me, desperate for its warmth in freezing days.


Yet still,

I sent you this letter, dear mother, because the waves held my face under your turbulence of expectations and the currents needed to change.

I didn't want to drown.


Forgive me for this letter, dear father, I know you prefer ignorance but it only leads to hate and anyway,

mother always says there's nothing you love more than your children and I didn't want to become a stranger.


I know this is hard, but I wish it wasn't.

I wish you'd paint your face with my colors, cheer from the stands, celebrate my existence as it is.


Still, I don't expect you to understand it,
I know it's foreign and new in your eyes.


I don't want you to tell me you still love me and that your love would always be unconditional,

I want to never have questioned it at all.


I don't want your sympathy.

There's nothing to be sad about, nothing to fix, nothing to mourn.

The future you visioned for me was never real, you never asked me anyway.


I don't want your acceptance.

It's just blank pages and silent mouths, I want your support.

The world is sharp and I just want to know you'll be there to clean away the blood.


I had to tell you because whenever I thought of who I am and heard your voice carried in the wind, I flinched and tensed as if you could look into my mind.


I needed to tell you because I am tired of hiding away flags and pins and scarfs,
bite my tongue around a joke,
overthink every passing comment that falls from your mouth.


I had to tell you because most of all I needed an answer.


So now,

please,

just write me back.

I need to be there at five ten (17:10)

It won't be 'the worst' if I were to be late by a minute or so,

just disappointed looks and silent judgment.

Perhaps they won't even notice.


And anyway, five ten (17:10) is in five hours.

I need to be at the bus stop at five (17:00), it's a five, maybe eight, minutes drive and I should be there by five five (17:05) ,mybe five eight (17:08),

at any rate I'll be there before five ten (17:10).


It takes me ten minutes to get dressed so I better set my alarm to four thirty (16:30), just to be safe.


So now I have five hours to myself before I need to get ready.

I can watch tv on my computer, or bake cookies.

I have so much time!

...maybe not baking.


There are three more hours until my alarm rings.

Wait, did I set it right?

Yes.

Maybe I should give myself more time to organize, you never know what can happen!

Four twenty (16:20) it is.


It's two hours until I have to get ready and I keep glancing at the clock in the corner or my computer.

I'll just put on the clothes I need,

get out of the comfort of my pajamas, into my tight clothes.


The alarm rings

but I'm already dressed, my water bottle filled, my wallet in my purse, everything is where it should be.


I set my alarm again:

It's a minute or so of walking to the bus stop and I need to be there by five sharp (17:00).

I set my alarm to five minutes to five (16:55).


There's half an hour before I need to go.

The show is still running but I've stopped watching forever ago.

What if there won't be a bathroom there? I should go to the bathroom now.


Well that only took four minutes, I have twenty six more to burn.

I'm pacing in my room, the computer put away.

What if I'll need to *** there? Great now I need to *** again and I've already peed five minutes ago.


I better get going.


I've been waiting for the bus for ten minutes when the alarm rang.

Fifteen minutes of waiting for the bus in the scorching sun, wiping away sweat like drops of anxious thoughts, is fine.

It's normal, right?

I don't have time to worry about it.

It's better than the feeling of the stress on my skin, pushing on my organs until I suffocate.


It's five (17:00) and the bus still hasn't arrived.

It's fine.

It's FINE.

It's F I N E.


Two minutes later I'm sitting on the bus, waiting for my stop.

Chest heaving, I step back into the street, thanking the driver goodbye.


I don't see anyone.

This is where we're supposed to meet, right?

Yes, definitely.

It's today, right? This hour?

Yes and yes.


Oh,
I'm just the first one here.

I live to defy what you taught me.


"Girls are weak"

I received the message. I rejected it.

With my chubby arms, the arms of a child, I picked up the table, twice my size, and carried it across the

yard,

forest,

desert,

ocean,

wherever it needed to go.

I basked in adult adoration of my strength. My sharp look scorching all who dared to offer assistance.

Kindness or a sense of superiority- motive be dammed.

I've grown up with the world as my witness.

I've learned to never ask for help.


"Girls are emotional"

Emotions are a weakness, for you think of girls as weak.

I must not be weak, for the world is watching.

And so, I've locked in the drawer of my mind every troubling thoughts, every emotion.

They are still there, unreachable. Rotting.


I grew up to be numb.

I grew up to be a hypocrite.

I would preach about the health benefits of crying. I would be horrified to listen to myself.

Forbidden to even share my passions by my own brain.

I'm fine-

I'm a mess-

at the same breath.

One is the lashing out of self defense,

The other is a painful admittance.

One is happily uttered when they catch my face,

The other is shamed and condemned.


I've grown up strong in every toxic sense of the word.

In my pursuit to defy what you dictated for me, I live my life as you dictated for yourself.


If the facade will ever go, it will not shatter nor dissappear.

If I will dictate my own life for myself, it will take as long as the rebuilding of the world.

My vains, they're coursing with ink from all the words I did not say, from all the details about me I did not care to share.

Because what could I say to make you understand the pain of hiding me away?



The boulder of emotion that drops down and ignites the empty hole where my heart should be every time you speak of a future that I would rather not have at all than go along with your plans.



The flinch I suppress whenever you speak of a husband or kids that I would be forced to bear in your oh so pink future,

Pink that is so bright in your eyes but dark and dripping in mine.


The decision I make as my hands dig into my chest in an attempt to reach up into my heart and relieve the pain of being ashamed of what I am- of who I am.

It's becoming too much!


The waiting
for the perfect moment to let the ink pour from my tongue all over your too clean floor.


The fear of your reaction knowing your liberal approach is only for what you've been taught is right to love and wrong to hate, knowing that you do not want to learn and believe in anything you deem as new.



The step back I take as I ask myself;
"Is it really worth it?"

Telling myself that I don't owe you ****.

You have sowed the seeds of self hate with your casual heteronormativity in my mind and now you have no right to its flowers whose colorful petals I have struggled to maintain.

But even back here, it's getting hard to ignore the spark of the possibility of freedom that turned into a fire ready to consume my mind and body.


The hope that you will accept me for simply being me. That you will put down the raging flames of worry in my heart.


The smoke is far too close to my lunges to keep me hidden any longer.

Each breath comes shorter as time goes by, the heavy numbness of a fainting spell on my doorstep.


The answer.

YOUR answer, the part that will either burn me with the scorching shock of your disbelief or will carry me to peace by the black river of your reassurance.


My story,

the one you hear right now,

that will never be finished for the smoke has choked me as the ink came raining down my eyes, down my throat, in a vain attempt to keep the fire at bay.

I don't want to die.

Death is so dramatic,
It changes plans and ruins days.
It affects more than one life.

No,
I want to disappear.

I want to one day be gone from the face of the planet,

the only hint that I ever was there in the sticker I gave my friend in kindergarten,
still stuck into a long forgotten notebook or a puppet.

The only memory left of me in the bag of someone who forgot to give back the pencil they borrowed.

The only trace of me,
in fading wet footprints on the sidewalk between puddles.


They say that when you die, you either go to heaven or to hell.

Or maybe you'll be incarnated into a delicate butterfly flapping its wings to the sound of a powerful stream.

Each believe in their own heaven,
imagining the perfect world for them.

And isn't that exciting?
That there's a life after death?


How do I explain, then, that my heaven is

the pitch blackness of the unending unconsciousness.

The quiet rest of the ground.

The forever closed eyes and

the stillness of the heart.


Living is the debt I pay for the world.
Why would I want to pay forever?


Someone once told me it sounds like I want to die and I said

No,
I want to disappear.