I sent you a letter.
I'm sorry that I didn't just say it out loud,
but I couldn't look at you as our faces mirrored each other's heartbreak.
Yours then mine.
I couldn't be there as you struggled to give me an answer,
couldn't just tell you without giving you space.
I wish I could talk to you,
that my mouth won't fill with silence when it is opened.
That I'll stop wrapping the silence around me, desperate for its warmth in freezing days.
I sent you this letter, dear mother, because the waves held my face under your turbulence of expectations and the currents needed to change.
I didn't want to drown.
Forgive me for this letter, dear father, I know you prefer ignorance but it only leads to hate and anyway,
mother always says there's nothing you love more than your children and I didn't want to become a stranger.
I know this is hard, but I wish it wasn't.
I wish you'd paint your face with my colors, cheer from the stands, celebrate my existence as it is.
Still, I don't expect you to understand it,
I know it's foreign and new in your eyes.
I don't want you to tell me you still love me and that your love would always be unconditional,
I want to never have questioned it at all.
I don't want your sympathy.
There's nothing to be sad about, nothing to fix, nothing to mourn.
The future you visioned for me was never real, you never asked me anyway.
I don't want your acceptance.
It's just blank pages and silent mouths, I want your support.
The world is sharp and I just want to know you'll be there to clean away the blood.
I had to tell you because whenever I thought of who I am and heard your voice carried in the wind, I flinched and tensed as if you could look into my mind.
I needed to tell you because I am tired of hiding away flags and pins and scarfs,
bite my tongue around a joke,
overthink every passing comment that falls from your mouth.
I had to tell you because most of all I needed an answer.
just write me back.