Why am I so MUCH
So much that you can't sleep beside me
I'm convinced because my brain is so loud
That it keeps yours going
As we sit in the stillness of the dark

I wish so desperately
That you understood when I say that I'm having trouble
Living inside of my own mind
But you are so simple
So sweet
Such a strong swimmer
But ultimately unprepared for the wave that is ME
So I'll stay here writing rambling poems in the dark
Becoming less myself
Before I find my way to our bed

Because you can't rest beside me

Dear __,

     Even though you were a lifetime ago, I find myself thinking about you now even though, I was never enough you always wanted more. Sometimes I picture you when I touch myself, back when you were down and out and needed my help. Barely eighteen and struggling to survive, taking you to bed always made me feel alive. When I was depressed you quite frankly ****** me through it. I've never had the nerve to ask for it the way you do it. To this day in many ways you were the best. But the *** wasn't good enough I had to look at the rest. Toxic is a word but it doesn't quite fit us. The highs were too high and the lows made me quit us. But I know sometimes you remember me too. Maybe someday you'll read this and know it's about you.

I spent so much time
And energy
Dragging your lifeless body
Up the cliffs of hell
That when we found the surface
I couldn't drag myself over the ledge
And you left me there
Now
On the surface
After my time to rest
You won't look me in the eyes

I fought so hard to save you
Burned my fingers on the hot coals
Of loving you
Yet
You deprive me the chance
To dance with you on the surface

Congratulations you ******* *****

I wish to God
That I could go back
And find all of the moments we shared
So I could read over them
Like a familiar and favorite book
So that maybe
I could find me again

Joy has such a way
Of compromising
My art

These days I string together words
That leave behind vacant metaphors
Empty spaces where my soul used to take residence

I can't stand to sign them
Why brand something I do not own?
Nevermind that the kerosene has evaporated from my pen
My spark died with my anguish
With nothing to light it, it abandoned me, dispersed
I spent so long trying to numb myself
I used to think it was poetic, beautiful
The nights I'd drink a half bottle of whiskey
Before nine o'clock
The way my smile brightened
My eyes shone
One million cigarettes later
Different kinds in so many different places
Oh the adventure, the whimsy
Like it wasn't all a disguise
Suicide wasnt an option
Destruction was a thrill

I used to exist bouncing between worlds
Ones which I had created and therefore was God

In one I flourished inside my own mind
My own pain
I lived amongst my sins and worshipped my vices
They were a part of me there
Where my art covered the walls in murials

Unlike it's sister
Where my words were nothing more than an amateur's graffiti
Sloppy splattered nonsense that decent humans took as a sign to flee
There was no beauty there
Just the bleak hopes of a woman running from who she was
A permanent prohibition
No liquor
No cigarettes
Just grey sidewalks and clear skies that couldn't even be bothered to rain
The world without poetry

I stepped in and out of each one
Relishing the sadness while simultaneously running from it
I'd never planned on the joy
So when it came I had no more words

"Joy has such a way
Of compromising
My art"
I wish someone had told me that growth
Required so much sacrifice
I chose the most unsavory parts of me as my main adjectives
I put them on display so that only those who wanted those parts of me could get to any of the others
Now that I have erased them, lessened them, retired them
There are so many blank spaces left
Most of me, maybe
Are these sacrifices a compromise
Of the altar I've built
Or gifts that I finally believe I deserve to adorn it with?
Health
Joy
Love
All things I'd deprived myself of
Hidden from
Lamented about
Hated
I'd written a million poems about things I'd never had
How I longed for them, was robbed of them
But now, at my best, at my purest
When all of those things lay before me on a platter
My lips are sealed
My words have wilted and died
I mourn for them like I would a friend - a lover

Confugium
The foundation of my sanctuary
Had never been solid
Yet I Kept building on top of it
Up and up
The highs got so heavy
That I couldn't keep filling the cracks
With weak empty excuses
Addiction was such a pretty poison flower
It flourished in my garden
I fooled myself and everyone else into thinking
That tending to it first
And everything else last
Showed dedication to myself, my legacy
To being aware of the tragedy of the world
It was such a Johnny Cash-esque charade
The woman in black
With her liquor and cigarettes
Look at me
Lamenting about the injustices
While doing nothing but drowning and preaching
Look at me
I'm a ******* poet
I ooze messiness and disdain from every pore
I ***** metaphor
I'm so deep
So deep
In the hole that I dug myself
With no plan for a way out

After I tore down
The unholy temple I'd made of myself
Stripped my altar of lipstick stains
My pain, his pain, your pain
I dressed myself like a fresh ****
Spilled my toxic guts onto the floor
Drained my tainted blood
Skinned my arms - my *******
To clear away the dark words I'd tattooed there
I Set fire to the Bible I composed
Full of strung out verses
About death and life and loss
All those things poets dwell on
Make a living off of
Worship

Then all that was left was me
And I didn't know what that meant anymore
I'd forgotten so long ago how to simply be
Sober, happy . . . Alive
I was staring at a blank piece of paper
I could write anything I wanted
But somewhere along the way
I'd run out of words

The sacrifices we make
Are so frightening

I'm still afraid
Still grieving
But I've planted roses in my garden
Repainted my temple with greys
I've invited in visitors for the first time in so long
To worship alongside me
Leave gifts at my altar
There are windows now
So that when the sun rises there is finally light
And though the words still don't come so easily
They trickle in with the rain
They tumble out with a laugh
They're tracked in on the soles of shoes
Little by little I'm piecing them together
Like a priceless and shattered vase
They're taking shape at last
To find me at peace
A new artist
Weaving different worlds with my words
Finding new things to say

Maybe, joy has a way
Of compromising my art
Or maybe
Joy has a way
Of repainting
My world

These sacrifices we make
They're poetry too

I can't help but be jealous
Of the other women who've had you
Because your body and soul
are connected
*** is such a serious thing for you
And now they carry with them
Pieces of you
I will never touch

I solemnly swear not to hurt my own feelings

Daddy.
You've been gone over a year now.
And I call on you all the time.
They tell me you've seen my successes.
But you're always on my mind.
I miss you and it keeps get harder.
Because I can't seem to get smarter
Tell me to make the right choice
The thoughts on my head have your voice
I miss you
Mom told me the truth today
You left me and I can't find a way
To rationalize
Your Demise
Tell me it'll be ok

I wanted so badly
To be excited
Like other girls

I wanted so badly
To grow and glow
Like other girls

I wanted so badly
To be
Like other girls

But I'm due in 2 weeks

And I'm smoking and drinking
And acting a fool

Like other girls

Because August will never come

See the wildest part isn't
That I know you
Still read this


And you
Are lying in bed next to her
And I



LOVE her.


She is the absolute sweetest
Cutest
BEST

For you.
But you baby


Are falling asleep thinking
About me



Because I went home with him
And you with her
But eventually
We'll find out way back to each other


I miss you
And you miss me
And you have a baby
And I'm a ****


But I ******* love you
And I had a dream last night
Where you kissed my face
Come find me
We don't have to tell anyone
I'll feel you
I love you

You're probably not even thinking about me
In reality you're probably cuddled up with her
Getting some sleep for work early in the morning
But I'm out here waiting for you
Because maybe my thoughts still echo in your head
I don't know what it is I want
Just to talk
Because maybe you understood me
Maybe you still could
Or maybe I'm sick
And I'm never satisfied with enough
With the best
I swear to God I would never act
On what my heart tells me
Because that ***** rarely has my best interests at heart
Pun intended
But you could come say hi
Catch up
With no listening ears
No prying eyes
Just old friends talking about yesterday
No harm
No foul
No way
Nothing more
Not like before
Come see me won't you
But you won't
And that's ok too
Safe

I told my love of 8 years that his dad shot his step mom and then himself today
And I feel selfish for not being okay
We haven't been together for almost 6 months now
And it's his tragedy through and through
But I love him
And it's not that I want him to need me
It's that I want to go to him
And hold him
And let him be whatever he needs to
But he hasn't asked me to come
And I'm spiraling
Hard

I love you sweetheart. I'm so sorry. But he's gone. I'm so sorry baby. I can come to you if you need me.

This is the love
That old drunks in bars
Wrote songs about losing
And played on weathered guitars
With shaking hands
And empty eyes

This is also the love
That gathers whole families
To celebrate 50 years
Of good mornings
And I love yous

And we, my darling, are
So blessed to have the choice
Of which kind of love
It's going to be

I told you once
That I need to be held after ***
Or the anxiety gets me
"Why didn't you tell me?"
And you wrapped me up
And made me feel so small
And you kissed the top of my head

Every time after that

I could curl up under your arm
My back against your side
Your arm curled around me
And I held on for dear life

And it meant nothing to you

The first time I get a proper look
At the tattoo playing peek a boo
Along your ribcage
My eyes might see it first
But I'll read it with my tongue

Either say you miss me
Or tell me what you want from me
Are the options I pretend are on the table
Like I won't talk to you for hours
Like my heart doesn't skip
When your name comes on my phone

Explain to me
Why I miss you
When I know so well
That nothing was real
And you've loved on
(*Moved)
And I can't trust you
And I wasn't good enough





"It was real."

*******
****
You

The air is cool and damp in the mornings
So the ache of missing you is creeping in
Like how the old folks sense a storm
You are my storm
I slept thirty six hours trying to dream of you again
But you're a phantom inside my mind
Always just out of reach
Maybe this year you'll find me in the light
My beautiful faceless boy

When I imagine
What it's like to die
I think back to when I was three
And I compound fractured my arm
Falling off of a horse

You had your truck
But we were close to home
So you scooped me up
And you ran all the way there

I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry baby. Daddy's got you. Daddy's got you.

That might have been the only time
You ever said you were sorry


I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry baby. Daddy's got you. Daddy's got you.

I just know
That if there's anything after this
Maybe even if there's isn't
After my last breath leaves me
That's what I'll hear

I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry baby. Daddy's got you. Daddy's got you.

Because I hear it
Now
In the dark

That girl
Knew
KNEW
That I was a threat
She scented it a mile away

Unlike the girl I spent the night with
Promising
That we were only friends

We could do better baby
You could hold me
Secretly
Nightly
Mostly


Hold me
Nightly
Baby
Today
And tomorrow
And today
And tomorrow

Let me get drunk and trauma dump the last decade of my life on you while I apologize and explain all the ways ive been punished for my sins. So maybe you'll see that ive paid my dues. So maybe you'll feel a little bad for me and forgive me.

Maybe if I dump every im sorry you ever thought you deserved in your lap you might give me just one back. I spit out apologies with every sentence I utter. Im more accountable than I could ever be honest. I dont even know if I mean it anymore or if im just begging for grace. Maybe if God sees me he'll cut me a break.

If I give out enough apologies maybe some of the hurt I caused will subside and some of it that I feel will go with it. But no one wants to say sorry to me. So many times ive been hurt first I was just better at it so many times my return fire was bringing a gun to a knife fight. No one trusts me but I trust no one and all of my wounds are still bleeding. Im ripping open old scars to stitch them back up just begging for a bandaid on a wound that's been open so long it needs surgery.

I spent so long playing medic for people who's injuries were minor in comparison. Draining my lifeblood to fill in papercuts. Now im dragging myself across the feet of people I found in the desert begging for a drink of water who forget that I gave them my last bottle getting self righteous arguments in exchange for pleading with them for my life

I hope one day I'll stop wondering what it was like for you to sit and watch me ******* die while you look on and don't move a muscle.

Then maybe I'll be able to sew myself back together because I snapped my needle on your "tough skin" and wove my thread together to pull you back from the ledge just to trip and fall over once I got you back to safety
Now you're too afraid of heights to look at my mangled body at the bottom and love to talk about how I was the one who coaxed you to the ledge in the first place

Soon I'm leaving and I'll never have to look at you again.  Maybe the ghost of you wont haunt me in places that we've never been in a body you've never touched recording memories that aren't just taped over so many times that your silhouette is burned into the frame. Im praying for a breath of air that your carbon monoxide hasn't evaporated into so many times that the taste of you is still in my mouth.

Hopefully when my name stops coming off of your lips my ears will stop ringing that I get so far away that the image of my face starts to blur in your mind like an object too far in the distance for your camera zoom and when you finally cant picture me anymore the leash you locked around my neck will finally be worn through from all of these years of my relentless thrashing and I can finally fall to my knees free of the ownership you for some reason still have over pieces of me that im charred through and through from the cigarettes ive smoked trying to burn them away

I've been scrubbing my skin raw trying to cleanse myself of who I am in your mind for so long that ive erased any whisper of who I am really and maybe that's why all of pleas for help have been ignored not because they're falling on deaf ears but because I ran so deep into the Forrest that I am the fallen tree that no one can hear

Maybe if I light the Forrest on fire the ashes of my smoldering bark that get picked up by the wind can float back into the view of civilization to be rubbed between curious fingertips gazed upon by concerned eyes maybe if my smoke blocks out the sun and burns everyone's lungs I can be noticed again

Maybe then I'll be real again

You
"I love you"d me into your bed
Then called me a liar for the duration
Even though I came apart for you honestly
And you were spinning tall tales
You wanted the ego boost that I am famous for
I've pictured you from under every man who's touched me for a long time
This afternoon you'll go back to regretting me
And I'll wave at you on your way out.

I spent 8 years in recovery
Just to relapse one time
Now I'm strung out on you again
You always were my drug of choice