I am lost.
                           I am numb.
My hopes disappear,
faster than my scars.

"Where'd you go?" I ask
But, no one told me.
They all left me,
                         Now, there's no me.

The girl I once was,
is now a shadow.

The bows and rainbows.
                                                        Gone.
I used to be happy,
but, you only left a shell.
The alive died.

                                    Now, my best friends my blade.
                                  It gives me what I know I deserve.

I thought you loved me,
but, you lied.
You broke me,
Leaving without a trace.

Because of you,
                   I'm alone.
And because of you.
                                           I hope it lasts forever.

Everywhere you look,
you'll see them.
From the blue sky,
to the small pink flowers,
sitting patiently for you to admire.

We only notice a few of them everyday.
Nobody stops to admire the beauty of them around us.
But, these hue's aren't just beautiful,
they give us life,
to all the memories we cherish.

Like the love of the calm ocean waves,
blue and bright,
waiting for us to dive in.
Or maybe the long, skinny branches of a willow tree,
perfect to read under.

Colors are all around us,
not just for us to rush past,
but for us to admire,
all of its everlasting grace.

In a world,
alone and afraid.
Its own shadows killing the light.
The rays are fading.

In a past life,
it was a dream.
With happy voices,
no fears to be seen.

No hatred
No loss
No bad.

I go to bed and dream,
The bed giving more satisfaction than anything in life.

I dream of wins,
of a perfect beautiful me.
I’m dazzled by the love surrounding me,
hoping it lasts forever.

                                  But everything good eventually fades

I wake up.
I try to cling on to the joy I felt,
but it’s long gone.
And so my day began.

I look in the mirror,
staring at the grotesque face I see in it.
Every bit of pain, every wound,
showing through the pimples and eyebags.

No one really sees your experiences,
not even your family,
It hurts,
but the world wants you to hide it.

Who is this broken piece of the past?
Who do I seem to be in everyone’s mind?
Who am I?

I can never be sure,
my true reflection is in to many broken pieces of a mirror,
in one that used to be whole.

I try to glue them back together,
but the edges keep cutting me.
Leaving a more permanent sting.

I see a lonely little girl,
scared to be alone.
That part of me taking over.
The happiness is leaving.

I will find myself,
eventually.
Until then, i’ll cry into the silence,
hoping the pain will go away,

If anyone asks, i’m fine.
No matter how much i’m bleeding,
I’m fine.

Those who say “I know her”
They don’t.
They see a part of a whole image.
Too lost to be found again.

So, who am I really?
I’m a human,
A lost, broken, ripped apart, confused one,

                                                   But still human.

I continue with my usual routine,
doing chores and homework,
wondering if everyone feels like this.

Does everyone feel this alone,
this lost?
Is all this just part of growing up,
Or am I just broken?

Soon, the afternoon comes,
and I stare out a window,
watching kids coming home from school.

I hear their laughter,
the joy in their voices,
and wish I was them,
happy and free.

I used to be like that,
happy with the universe.
Now I beg it
to free me.

But, every time I try to go,
it stops me.
I lose hope every time,
my attempts don’t work.

I hope joy comes back to me,
with it’s loving arms wide open.
Just for me.
But until then,

I’ll just dream.

The afternoon slowly comes.
The sun is ready to set.
I’m shoving the pain out,
through the push-ups and crunches,
and blasting music.

I push myself,
till every part hurts.
I don’t complain.
I deserve it.

But, the pain doesn’t last,
at least not as long as I wanted it to.
I deserve to suffer at least for a lifetime
and that’s the least.

After making the sentiment unbearable to handle,
I made it worse.


I step into the shower,
drowning myself in boiling water.
It stings,
but, not only because of the heat . . .

As the water washes over me,
I think about it all.
What if I finally did it?

                                     I know no ones gonna stop me.

When I finally come out,
I wrap myself in a towel,
Staring at my body.

It looks fat and disgusting.
The fat on my stomach sticking out,
Making me feel like a monster,
In a world of pure beauty.

As I stare,
I sob.
Every single time,
I stop an think,
“Why am I so ugly?”

                                    But I know I deserve to feel it all.

I come out of the bathroom.
“Go eat something,” my mom calls out,
But I don’t want to.

My stomach is begging for food.
My heart is saying just eat a little.
My brain says I need to get skinny to be loved.
To be pretty.

                                                      So­ I starve.

It’s now 2:00 am.
I lay wide awake,
Feeling lonelier than ever,
As everyone else is sleeping.

I can’t fall asleep,
When I know this is my chance,
to finally be free.

But, I can’t go.
I’m too much of a coward,
to forever let go.
So, I lay there.
Trying to sleep.

                                       Trying to dream once more.

I'm better off without you,
I know it.
You f##king ruin my life,
just for your entertainment.
I'm a joke,
a motherf##king punchline.

                                Until I'm better than you at something.

When that happens you bark again,
"Hey bestie," and "I'll always be your friend."
But, you b!tches don't realize that,
I'm past your fake@ss.

                                       I'm done being your little toy.

Cause' I know what you said about me,
About me being fake,
A s1ut.
Just because I'm bi.

I know you've said worse,
but, I don't care.
                                                 So just f**k off.

Are you there,
or have you left?
Do you visit,
to tear me apart?

Long ago,
you used to be by my side,
but now you're gone.
I miss the joy,
that once came with you.

I guess it could only last so long,
through my depressing life.
It’s ok, I thought,
hope will keep me going.
I was wrong.

I feel stupid to think that.
It betrayed me,
leaving me wondering,
where it had gone.

Now there is utter silence,
leaving a gaping hole in my heart.
It seems you’ll never come back,
To fix me again.

It hurts,
having nothing left,
not even Hope.
I can’t escape,
out of this horrid prison.

The ladder is broken,
so is the rope,
to climb back out.
But strangely,
i’m ok with that.

I don’t really feel anything anymore,
even though I know I should,
I guess I’m ran through,
or just out of Hope.

I miss having you,
please come back,
my precious Hope.

Reality is weird.
It taunts you,
but also love you?
It makes the best people sad,
and the worst happy.

Its like reading a book,
you don’t know whats going to happen,
but you guess.
And when the end is near,
You think about everything that happened.

You might smile,
you might cry.
No one knows but you.

Sometimes life gets hard,
And reality’s a hard place.
So, you drift far away,
into the land of imagination.

As you step in,
you see dreams come true,
a fantasy becomes reality.
Everything you’ve ever wanted,
is now by your side.

You are free from all judgment,
no one you have to be perfect for,
you are free to be you.
Everything you’ve lost,
Comes back into this world.

As you continue to walk,
there's no sadness or grief.
I am standing next to you,
laughing as the sunsets.
Everything is peaceful.

The walls feel soft and cozy,
but you know nothing can hurt you here.
No matter how weak it feels,
you do not question its security.

And when times time comes,
To go back to your realty,
You will.
But this time,
you’ll be happy.

I never really believed in love,
well, not anymore.

Before reality hit me,
I dreamed of these cheesy romance novels,
always wishing it would happen it me.
But, the universe had other plans.

Over time, I noticed my parents fights,
as they grew bigger,
I felt weaker.

They never seemed to be in love,
never once.
That's when it all started.

As I grew up, I fell in love,
not once,
but twice.
And both times it ended,
leaving my heart in pieces.

The first time, it was a childish one,
It was your typical enemies to lovers,
and I thought it was perfect.
But, time went by,
I even dated him,
though, my love was not strong enough,
just to keep him by my side.

I moved on,
just adding an extra lock on my heart,
vowing to not open it,
at least till I was older.

I broke that vow.

The second time,
I never got to tell him.
We were best friends,
still are,
at least in my eyes.
I'll never be able to tell him that,
cause' I don't know where he left.

I never told him,
because the same locks that made me feel safe,
refused to unlock,
shattering my heart further.

I don't know if the numbness will ever go away.
All I know is that, in the end,
love broke me.

Now I don't trust it.

When I sleep,
i am happy.
When I wake,
i see nightmares.

Torture through the thoughts,
Saying no when I wanna say yes.
I am fighting a war,
A war between my heart and logic.
Why are you here, you vicious monster?

That monster is my reality,
crushing every dream,
leaving another thing to run from.

The monsters have bruised me up,
ripped me to shreds,
and left me to rot.
But, it’s ok,
They’ll go away . . .

Right?

No.
They ripped everything left,
of the truth that once was.
Save me, i scream into the void,
but, unfortunately, everyone has left me.

They left me alone,
with these hungry creatures,
ready to feast on my joy.
I can’t run.
I can’t hide.

I am forever stuck with them.
But, they’ll never show,
for humanity bans it.

I am on an edge,
the world forcing me to think,
“Will I live?
Or shall I die?”

I plead for help,
from the invisible forces of the world.
The forces that keep this,
this horrid cycle going.
But, they remain silent.

I used to be fine.
But, you broke me.
I was tough.
But, you made me weak.

These metaphorical scar’s haunt me,
Leaving its bitter trails in my heart.
At every corner of my mind,
it waits for the perfect moment.
The moment to stab me.

I try,
but, they won’t see it,
they won’t care.

I’m drowning in pain,
while all they see is a smile.
They watch me burn.
They let me suffer.

When light shines on me,
I must smile and laugh.
But as nighttime comes,
I am free to sob into my pillow.

At night, I am free to be sad,
to feel all the different things I hide.
If they notice,
I cannot tell.

If they see through me,
then they just don’t seem to care.
I just wish to have support.
They took my life away from me,
and burned it to ashes.

I wish to be free,
to be happy.
But, they stabbed my heart,
there were only shreds left.

I am forced to call you family,
Even against my will.
I will forever hate you,
even if you are my parents.

For many years,
you were mine,
and I was yours.
We were free,
we were happy staying friends.
Though we yearned for more.

I thought it would last forever,
I was ready to confess.

But, you left.
You went to a place I can never reach.

Every time I think of those precious memories,
I break.
Because you were my world,
and will always be a part of it.

Because you weren't only my friend.
You were my family,
the place I called home.

You were my soulmate.

Cotton candy clouds are painted across the sky,
as we drive home.
My head's outside the window,
enjoying the blasting music,
along with the view.

As the scenery flashes by,
I see the faces of many,
tall and small,
young and old,
all with smiles.

Everything felt right,
just perfect,
like nothing could ruin the moment,
as we all sing our hearts out,
and float away.

I have dealt with many things,
but to you I am just dramatic,
a lier even.
Whenever I open my heart,
you shove it into a box,
making it harder every time.

"I'm Depressed"
I finally tell you,
seeking comfort in your words,
even though they scare me further.

But, you let me down,
you told me the words I feared the most.
                  "Your just a teenager, you don't know what that means"

Then, what's wrong with me?
Why do I dream of jumping off,
of never coming back.

Maybe I'm just being a teen,
or maybe that's just a lie.

My toes in the sand,
the rest of me soaking.
I'm laughing with my siblings,
as we splash water on each other.

I turn back,
watching my parents sitting together,
laughing and smiling,
as they watch the sunset.

The sky was beautiful,
covered in every color imaginable,
as if a completed canvas.
The clouds look like cotton candy.
Good enough to eat,
if you ask me.

Even the geese are relaxing on the side,
enjoying the moment just as much.

It felt freeing.
Nobody was thinking about the future,
or about work.
Everyone was just happy and alive,
all together with everyone else,
at the beach.

Why do we try to fly,
in these clouds of change?
They hurt us,
Mostly me.

The worst is when you fall,
Going lower and getting hurt.
There’s no need for it.
I’d rather stay alone down here.

I’ve learned from my past,
going too high is gonna **** you.
Not physically,
but. . .emotionally.

It’s hard,
Knowing everyone you love,
has now left you.

It’s sad,
Being alone.
It feels different,
A little bit terrifying.

There is no one to blame,
well, beyond yourself.
It’s the painful truth,
you’ll never wanna face it.

But,
In those moments you spend alone,
they can be the best times.
If your like me,
it makes you start to wonder . . .

I never knew,
that it would be the last.
Those times that we were side by side,
those times you were with me.

The late night talks,
the hours we spent watching the sunset,
It all has left.

I wish you would come back,
though, the world doesn't work that way.
I'll still hope.

Every time we ran to each other for comfort,
or just for some love,
The love we only saw in each other,
had now left a mark on my heart.

The day you left me,
not only you were gone.
It was the last time I saw myself whole.

The last time of it all.

.
                                            Why are you so sad?
Because I am broken.
Everything in this world I once loved,
betrayed me,
or forever left.

All that I have endured has turned into trauma,
in ways I cannot express.
But, don't worry about me,

                        Because the Universe never liked me anyways.

.
                                                    I hate you.
                                                    I hate you.
                                                    I hate you.

You burned what was there,
Tore the pages we wrote,
and smiled as you watched the smoke go up.
You watched me crumble.
You laughed.

"Was it all fake to you?"
                                                      "Yeah­"

That one word grew thorns,
right around my heart.
Keeping it locked,
forever away from love.

The years turned to a blur.
Feelings changed to a memory.

Burn me.
Scar me.
Tear me apart.
It won't hurt me.

                                     You made me numb after all.

I don't care anymore,
for there is only three words,
I have for you.

                                                   I hate you.
                                                   I hate you.
                                                   I hate you.