I dive in,
becoming the main character.
I see a world,
so beautiful and blinding,
tears dripped down.

But, I was smiling.

I looked around me,
taking it all in,
wishing it could last forever.

But, as I went deeper and deeper,
it was time to come out again,
back into reality.
Though my reality might not be as perfect,
it's just as beautiful,
I realize,
as the story ends.

I long the happy silence,
of satisfaction.
The silence you get,
when everything is right.

But, I won't get it,
as long as I refuse,
to ever change,
from this monster,
to something salvageable.

I refuse,
to become one of you,
not because of the results,
but, for it meaning,
that you finally "fixed me"
Just like you wanted.

So for you,
I'll never change.

I am lost.
                           I am numb.
My hopes disappear,
faster than my scars.

"Where'd you go?" I ask
But, no one told me.
They all left me,
                         Now, there's no me.

The girl I once was,
is now a shadow.

The bows and rainbows.
                                                        Gone.
I used to be happy,
but, you only left a shell.
The alive died.

                                    Now, my best friends my blade.
                                  It gives me what I know I deserve.

I thought you loved me,
but, you lied.
You broke me,
Leaving without a trace.

Because of you,
                   I'm alone.
And because of you.
                                           I hope it lasts forever.

Everywhere you look,
you'll see them.
From the blue sky,
to the small pink flowers,
sitting patiently for you to admire.

We only notice a few of them everyday.
Nobody stops to admire the beauty of them around us.
But, these hue's aren't just beautiful,
they give us life,
to all the memories we cherish.

Like the love of the calm ocean waves,
blue and bright,
waiting for us to dive in.
Or maybe the long, skinny branches of a willow tree,
perfect to read under.

Colors are all around us,
not just for us to rush past,
but for us to admire,
all of its everlasting grace.

Get up and groove.
Get up and dance.
Have some fun,
come on, give it a chance.

Listen to the beats,
as you dance on the street.
Dance with your friend,
I know you wish it would never end.

More join in,
do a couple spins,
laughing among us all,
as all the negativity falls.

We keep on going,
until we're all too tired to move.
but, our hearts keep going,
still going with the groove.

In a world,
alone and afraid.
Its own shadows killing the light.
The rays are fading.

In a past life,
it was a dream.
With happy voices,
no fears to be seen.

No hatred
No loss
No bad.

I go to bed and dream,
The bed giving more satisfaction than anything in life.

I dream of wins,
of a perfect beautiful me.
I’m dazzled by the love surrounding me,
hoping it lasts forever.

                                  But everything good eventually fades

I wake up.
I try to cling on to the joy I felt,
but it’s long gone.
And so my day began.

I look in the mirror,
staring at the grotesque face I see in it.
Every bit of pain, every wound,
showing through the pimples and eyebags.

No one really sees your experiences,
not even your family,
It hurts,
but the world wants you to hide it.

Who is this broken piece of the past?
Who do I seem to be in everyone’s mind?
Who am I?

I can never be sure,
my true reflection is in to many broken pieces of a mirror,
in one that used to be whole.

I try to glue them back together,
but the edges keep cutting me.
Leaving a more permanent sting.

I see a lonely little girl,
scared to be alone.
That part of me taking over.
The happiness is leaving.

I will find myself,
eventually.
Until then, i’ll cry into the silence,
hoping the pain will go away,

If anyone asks, i’m fine.
No matter how much i’m bleeding,
I’m fine.

Those who say “I know her”
They don’t.
They see a part of a whole image.
Too lost to be found again.

So, who am I really?
I’m a human,
A lost, broken, ripped apart, confused one,

                                                   But still human.

I continue with my usual routine,
doing chores and homework,
wondering if everyone feels like this.

Does everyone feel this alone,
this lost?
Is all this just part of growing up,
Or am I just broken?

Soon, the afternoon comes,
and I stare out a window,
watching kids coming home from school.

I hear their laughter,
the joy in their voices,
and wish I was them,
happy and free.

I used to be like that,
happy with the universe.
Now I beg it
to free me.

But, every time I try to go,
it stops me.
I lose hope every time,
my attempts don’t work.

I hope joy comes back to me,
with it’s loving arms wide open.
Just for me.
But until then,

I’ll just dream.

The afternoon slowly comes.
The sun is ready to set.
I’m shoving the pain out,
through the push-ups and crunches,
and blasting music.

I push myself,
till every part hurts.
I don’t complain.
I deserve it.

But, the pain doesn’t last,
at least not as long as I wanted it to.
I deserve to suffer at least for a lifetime
and that’s the least.

After making the sentiment unbearable to handle,
I made it worse.


I step into the shower,
drowning myself in boiling water.
It stings,
but, not only because of the heat . . .

As the water washes over me,
I think about it all.
What if I finally did it?

                                     I know no ones gonna stop me.

When I finally come out,
I wrap myself in a towel,
Staring at my body.

It looks fat and disgusting.
The fat on my stomach sticking out,
Making me feel like a monster,
In a world of pure beauty.

As I stare,
I sob.
Every single time,
I stop an think,
“Why am I so ugly?”

                                    But I know I deserve to feel it all.

I come out of the bathroom.
“Go eat something,” my mom calls out,
But I don’t want to.

My stomach is begging for food.
My heart is saying just eat a little.
My brain says I need to get skinny to be loved.
To be pretty.

                                                      So­ I starve.

It’s now 2:00 am.
I lay wide awake,
Feeling lonelier than ever,
As everyone else is sleeping.

I can’t fall asleep,
When I know this is my chance,
to finally be free.

But, I can’t go.
I’m too much of a coward,
to forever let go.
So, I lay there.
Trying to sleep.

                                       Trying to dream once more.

I'm better off without you,
I know it.
You f##king ruin my life,
just for your entertainment.
I'm a joke,
a motherf##king punchline.

                                Until I'm better than you at something.

When that happens you bark again,
"Hey bestie," and "I'll always be your friend."
But, you b!tches don't realize that,
I'm past your fake@ss.

                                       I'm done being your little toy.

Cause' I know what you said about me,
About me being fake,
A s1ut.
Just because I'm bi.

I know you've said worse,
but, I don't care.
                                                 So just f**k off.

Don't do this,
and don't do that.
Then, what should I do?
You've made me stuck,
alone in a sea of people,
wishing I wasn't.

People don't wanna be friends with me,
the girl who can only talk through email,
and only during the school year.
People want a girl who can go out,
and talk forever.
A girl who can have sleepovers,
and hang out all summer.

They don't know me,
not just because of how I look,
but because you have made it impossible,
to have a friend.
At least one that lasts,
because they want a friend that can stay.
But because of you,
I am forever bound.

I'm high in the sky,
looking down on the past,
remembering all the pain.
Seeing how it changed me.

Then, I look all around me,
and see all of us together,
a flock of friends.
We all look at peace.

I look down again,
but this time I see their pain,
not mine.

I fly down,
giving them,
the love they always needed.
When I finally see them smile,
or even just relieved of it all,
I fly away.

When I look down for the last time,
I see them all happy and free,
me along with them,
as we all fly along.

I don't even know what to say,
Being this happy,
feels like a fever dream,
like I could do anything.

I feel like I deserve to live,
to do things,
to even have fun.

You don't know what you've done,
just by being in my life.
You've done more than make me feel human.
You make me feel relaxed,
beautiful,
and this feeling,
of heavenly happiness.
I never want it to go away.

I don't need a hero,
I don't wanna be saved.
But, you wait for me,
in silence,
everyday,
knowing that one day,
I'll finally ask.

I know who you really are,
but I don't want you,
I need you.

Loving you isn't easy,
but I'm glad you're in my life.
I love that your here for me,
in every little way.
Showing me,
that you can save the day,
every night,
and every day.

But,
I don't need a hero,
I don't wanna be saved,
because you already saved me,
from this freakish place.

Are you there,
or have you left?
Do you visit,
to tear me apart?

Long ago,
you used to be by my side,
but now you're gone.
I miss the joy,
that once came with you.

I guess it could only last so long,
through my depressing life.
It’s ok, I thought,
hope will keep me going.
I was wrong.

I feel stupid to think that.
It betrayed me,
leaving me wondering,
where it had gone.

Now there is utter silence,
leaving a gaping hole in my heart.
It seems you’ll never come back,
To fix me again.

It hurts,
having nothing left,
not even Hope.
I can’t escape,
out of this horrid prison.

The ladder is broken,
so is the rope,
to climb back out.
But strangely,
i’m ok with that.

I don’t really feel anything anymore,
even though I know I should,
I guess I’m ran through,
or just out of Hope.

I miss having you,
please come back,
my precious Hope.

You really wanna be me?
That's the first mistake you'll ever make,
on this long horrid road.
But, don't let me scare you,
at least not yet,
fore this path has only just begun.

Step 1:
You've gotta learn that you hate yourself,
you might seem beautiful to others,
but, your not.
If you wanna be me,
you need to open your inner negativity,
and see the disgust,
within what you once found pure.

Step 2:
Disappoint your family.
Yes,
truly shocking isn't it?
Breaking the hearts,
of the same very people,
who will be the only ones,
standing at your grave.
But, you started this path,
knowing it wasn't going to end well.

Step 3:
Ruin everything that's going well for you.
You have friends?
Well not anymore.
You are happy?
Here's some depression,
and let me add some social anxiety in the mix,
let see if you can get there,
to the end of this step.

Almost there,
Step 4:
Constantly lie to everyone,
tell them your fine,
even though looking at this,
you can't be.
Even i'm not,
so how could you be?
Show them a smile,
when you have tears in your eyes.

If you have made it to this final step,
I am proud,
yet worried for you,
and your mental trauma your going through.

Step 5: The Final Step
Now,
you need to survive this,
for the rest of your life.
You might think this is the easiest step.
Trust me it's not.
And if you do,
I am not just proud of you,
I am applauding you,
for doing something i'm barely able to do.

If you have made it here,
to the very end,
I say good luck,
giving you all my wishing,
that at least one of us,
will last forever.

If you were a color,
you would be blue.
Cause’ there is no other,
as wonderful, to be true.

If you were a painting,
You would be stunning,
Being a masterpiece,
Oh so cunning.

If you were a planet,
You’d be the sun,
standing tall and proud,
always having fun.

If you were mine,
I’d love you forever,
Cause’ i know a person like you,
there is quite no other.

Reality is weird.
It taunts you,
but also love you?
It makes the best people sad,
and the worst happy.

Its like reading a book,
you don’t know whats going to happen,
but you guess.
And when the end is near,
You think about everything that happened.

You might smile,
you might cry.
No one knows but you.

Sometimes life gets hard,
And reality’s a hard place.
So, you drift far away,
into the land of imagination.

As you step in,
you see dreams come true,
a fantasy becomes reality.
Everything you’ve ever wanted,
is now by your side.

You are free from all judgment,
no one you have to be perfect for,
you are free to be you.
Everything you’ve lost,
Comes back into this world.

As you continue to walk,
there's no sadness or grief.
I am standing next to you,
laughing as the sunsets.
Everything is peaceful.

The walls feel soft and cozy,
but you know nothing can hurt you here.
No matter how weak it feels,
you do not question its security.

And when times time comes,
To go back to your realty,
You will.
But this time,
you’ll be happy.

You told me your here,
to be the hero in my life,
the knight in shining armor,
that I never needed.

You smile at me,
not knowing the fate,
of this twisted game,
of love.

You think it'll all work out,
until the fights happen,
and the light in our eyes,
flash away.

You assume I'll stay,
even after all that's happened,
even though we both know,
it was never meant to be.

But,
in those final moments,
I say,
                                              "I don't need a hero,
                                     when our love cannot be saved."

I never really believed in love,
well, not anymore.

Before reality hit me,
I dreamed of these cheesy romance novels,
always wishing it would happen it me.
But, the universe had other plans.

Over time, I noticed my parents fights,
as they grew bigger,
I felt weaker.

They never seemed to be in love,
never once.
That's when it all started.

As I grew up, I fell in love,
not once,
but twice.
And both times it ended,
leaving my heart in pieces.

The first time, it was a childish one,
It was your typical enemies to lovers,
and I thought it was perfect.
But, time went by,
I even dated him,
though, my love was not strong enough,
just to keep him by my side.

I moved on,
just adding an extra lock on my heart,
vowing to not open it,
at least till I was older.

I broke that vow.

The second time,
I never got to tell him.
We were best friends,
still are,
at least in my eyes.
I'll never be able to tell him that,
cause' I don't know where he left.

I never told him,
because the same locks that made me feel safe,
refused to unlock,
shattering my heart further.

I don't know if the numbness will ever go away.
All I know is that, in the end,
love broke me.

Now I don't trust it.

It grows,
        and it jives.
it flows,
        and it thrives.

We love the feeling,
        as it helps us with healing,
and my mind is just reeling,
        with emotions.

But sadly,
        it's a tragedy,
when the music has to end.

When I sleep,
i am happy.
When I wake,
i see nightmares.

Torture through the thoughts,
Saying no when I wanna say yes.
I am fighting a war,
A war between my heart and logic.
Why are you here, you vicious monster?

That monster is my reality,
crushing every dream,
leaving another thing to run from.

The monsters have bruised me up,
ripped me to shreds,
and left me to rot.
But, it’s ok,
They’ll go away . . .

Right?

No.
They ripped everything left,
of the truth that once was.
Save me, i scream into the void,
but, unfortunately, everyone has left me.

They left me alone,
with these hungry creatures,
ready to feast on my joy.
I can’t run.
I can’t hide.

I am forever stuck with them.
But, they’ll never show,
for humanity bans it.

I am on an edge,
the world forcing me to think,
“Will I live?
Or shall I die?”

I plead for help,
from the invisible forces of the world.
The forces that keep this,
this horrid cycle going.
But, they remain silent.

Sunlight beams down on us,
as we stand side by side,
wearing matching outfits,
laughing.
Sure siblings are supposed to hate each other,
but, in that moment,
we were more than just siblings.
We were two hearts,
soaring high in the sky,
ready to face the world,
together.

I used to be fine.
But, you broke me.
I was tough.
But, you made me weak.

These metaphorical scar’s haunt me,
Leaving its bitter trails in my heart.
At every corner of my mind,
it waits for the perfect moment.
The moment to stab me.

I try,
but, they won’t see it,
they won’t care.

I’m drowning in pain,
while all they see is a smile.
They watch me burn.
They let me suffer.

When light shines on me,
I must smile and laugh.
But as nighttime comes,
I am free to sob into my pillow.

At night, I am free to be sad,
to feel all the different things I hide.
If they notice,
I cannot tell.

If they see through me,
then they just don’t seem to care.
I just wish to have support.
They took my life away from me,
and burned it to ashes.

I wish to be free,
to be happy.
But, they stabbed my heart,
there were only shreds left.

I am forced to call you family,
Even against my will.
I will forever hate you,
even if you are my parents.

I can stop the beats,
but I don't even try.
It makes me euphoric,
ready for the world.

Every time I hear it,
I turn back the clock,
back to when I was six.

Back to when the world was unicorns and rainbows,
and I could take it all.
I still can.
But, this everlasting rhythm,
makes it last forever.

I don't hate you,
I could never hate you.
                                                 I envy you.

I envy the way you look so free,
the way you could be called confident,
in the clothes people would call me bold for.
The way your good at so many things,
that I lay in your shadow,
yearning for the spotlight.

I wish I could love you,
or even just like you,
but, I can't.
Because your beautiful,
your kind,
your loved,
                                                  your perfect.
While, I'm just....
well, me.

So, I'm sorry.
Just know,
I don't hate you,
I could never hate you.
But,
                                            I'll forever envy you.

They are bright,
and they are beautiful.
With magical clouds,
as if someone had painted them.

The colors that came along with it,
were now blended together,
perfectly going together,
like it was meant to be.

We stare and admire,
wondering what nature is trying to say.
Watching the view slowly fade.

As I watch the sunset,
I remember the past.
We were all together,
in the circle of best friends
laughing about all the funny moments,
even the not so funny ones.
Everything feels perfect,
cause' I know you guys will forever be by my side,
forever be my friends.
Because of you guys,
I'll forever have a smile on my face.

Burn it all,
set it on fire.
Ignite it all,
make it go even higher.

Let the flames rise,
as you sink below,
cause’ this all was meant to be,
long ago.

You burn to ashes,
and fly away,
cause’ in the end,
no one loved you anyway.

For many years,
you were mine,
and I was yours.
We were free,
we were happy staying friends.
Though we yearned for more.

I thought it would last forever,
I was ready to confess.

But, you left.
You went to a place I can never reach.

Every time I think of those precious memories,
I break.
Because you were my world,
and will always be a part of it.

Because you weren't only my friend.
You were my family,
the place I called home.

You were my soulmate.

Cotton candy clouds are painted across the sky,
as we drive home.
My head's outside the window,
enjoying the blasting music,
along with the view.

As the scenery flashes by,
I see the faces of many,
tall and small,
young and old,
all with smiles.

Everything felt right,
just perfect,
like nothing could ruin the moment,
as we all sing our hearts out,
and float away.

I have dealt with many things,
but to you I am just dramatic,
a lier even.
Whenever I open my heart,
you shove it into a box,
making it harder every time.

"I'm Depressed"
I finally tell you,
seeking comfort in your words,
even though they scare me further.

But, you let me down,
you told me the words I feared the most.
                  "Your just a teenager, you don't know what that means"

Then, what's wrong with me?
Why do I dream of jumping off,
of never coming back.

Maybe I'm just being a teen,
or maybe that's just a lie.

My toes in the sand,
the rest of me soaking.
I'm laughing with my siblings,
as we splash water on each other.

I turn back,
watching my parents sitting together,
laughing and smiling,
as they watch the sunset.

The sky was beautiful,
covered in every color imaginable,
as if a completed canvas.
The clouds look like cotton candy.
Good enough to eat,
if you ask me.

Even the geese are relaxing on the side,
enjoying the moment just as much.

It felt freeing.
Nobody was thinking about the future,
or about work.
Everyone was just happy and alive,
all together with everyone else,
at the beach.

Why do we try to fly,
in these clouds of change?
They hurt us,
Mostly me.

The worst is when you fall,
Going lower and getting hurt.
There’s no need for it.
I’d rather stay alone down here.

I’ve learned from my past,
going too high is gonna **** you.
Not physically,
but. . .emotionally.

It’s hard,
Knowing everyone you love,
has now left you.

It’s sad,
Being alone.
It feels different,
A little bit terrifying.

There is no one to blame,
well, beyond yourself.
It’s the painful truth,
you’ll never wanna face it.

But,
In those moments you spend alone,
they can be the best times.
If your like me,
it makes you start to wonder . . .

I never knew,
that it would be the last.
Those times that we were side by side,
those times you were with me.

The late night talks,
the hours we spent watching the sunset,
It all has left.

I wish you would come back,
though, the world doesn't work that way.
I'll still hope.

Every time we ran to each other for comfort,
or just for some love,
The love we only saw in each other,
had now left a mark on my heart.

The day you left me,
not only you were gone.
It was the last time I saw myself whole.

The last time of it all.

Why do you hate me,
when all i’ve ever done for you,
Is love you?

It started feeling real,
something blooming in the mist,
of a normal friendship.

Holding hands,
laughing,
with excitement in our eyes,
before you cracked that,
right in half.

Soon we distanced ourselves,
with a silent agreement,
that we would move on,
and stay as “used to be friends”

But,
it didn’t end well,
not because we split paths,
but, the reality of the fact,
that you never loved me in the first place.

I don’t mind that we never talk,
or never even glance,
to see if the others ok.
It only stung when you let go,
quick and emotionless,
letting it all go,
all too fast.
At least for me.

Then it all bit back,
when you spread those lies,
through all those years,
Between all those connections and ties.

So,
tell me please,
Why?

just why,
did you do this to me?

I have a feeling,
that it's all gonna crash.
It's all gonna burn,
just like trash.
It'll all disappear,
but I have no fear.
For I have lived through this once before,
and I don't like it there,
not anymore.

Why do we fear,
the ones who hold us dear?
They love us, sure,
but, do they know us anymore?
They see the fake,
cause' that's all they can take.
So, in the end,
We're alone again.
But, do not fear,
for I am here,
to comfort all your sorrows away.

Sometimes the best moments,
end up being the ones that destroy you.
In the end,
there's nothing we can do about it,
except think about it,
and wish it never happened,
even if while thinking about it,
there's a smile on your face.

I watch the world burn,
from the comfort of my home.
Watching people scream,
and slowly die off.
But,
little do you know,
that the house i'm sitting in,
is burning too,
along with the rest of the world.

I'm here,
so please let me stay.
I don't want to go,
so don't make me fly away.

I wish you would see,
what we could possibly be.
But, you are blind,
from the thoughts in you mind,
as they all fall behind,
and i'm walking away.

it's crazy,
isn't it?
The way a person,
who once lit up our world,
could be the one,
who burns it down.

Come with me,
to **** all your sorrows away.
I'll take you to the land,
of all your dreams.
But, that's when you realize,
that reality's supposed to hurt.
Cause' that's how we feel happy too.

.
                                   Where'd it go wrong with you?

I never thought I would end up so broken,
from such a beautiful face.
End up so lost,
from a beaming smile,
but you proved me wrong.

My breath shortened,
as you look fine.
I wish I never met you,
or that we stayed together.

The universe is breaking me,
every time it takes away the people I love.
I know it doesn't care,
maybe i'll learn a lesson from them,
but not you.

I thought we were soulmates,
but the person I held so dear,
has now left me alone,
with my broken thoughts.
A place I should never be left alone in.

I wish you stayed,
but I can't decide that.
Clearly you don't mind if i'm gone,
just like many others.
Because you left,
I'm considering many things,
things I can't say,
without crying for the people i'll leave alone,
if I forever go quiet.

So please,
before I go,
tell me,
                                          Where'd it all go wrong?

.
                                            Why are you so sad?
Because I am broken.
Everything in this world I once loved,
betrayed me,
or forever left.

All that I have endured has turned into trauma,
in ways I cannot express.
But, don't worry about me,

                        Because the Universe never liked me anyways.

.
                                                    I hate you.
                                                    I hate you.
                                                    I hate you.

You burned what was there,
Tore the pages we wrote,
and smiled as you watched the smoke go up.
You watched me crumble.
You laughed.

"Was it all fake to you?"
                                                      "Yeah­"

That one word grew thorns,
right around my heart.
Keeping it locked,
forever away from love.

The years turned to a blur.
Feelings changed to a memory.

Burn me.
Scar me.
Tear me apart.
It won't hurt me.

                                     You made me numb after all.

I don't care anymore,
for there is only three words,
I have for you.

                                                   I hate you.
                                                   I hate you.
                                                   I hate you.

मैं देसी हूँ।

मेरे कपड़े पहनने के तरीके से लेकर
मेरे बात करने के तरीके तक।

मेरे मज़ाक करने के तरीके से लेकर
मेरे काम करने के तरीके तक।

भले ही मेरी त्वचा गोरी हो,
या मेरा उच्चारण अमेरिकी हो।

भले ही ऐसा न लगे,
लेकिन
मैं देसी हूँ,
चाहे आपको यह पसंद हो या न हो।