& I think maybe that’s what’s fked me up the most
The people that have hurt me the most were those that were close

& those that didn’t care
Smiled, acted polite & shared
Their fake, crowd pleasing personas
with me

Smile to my face, then vanish into black
Only to text back
Months later

Oh sorry, it’s been hectic
I’ve been soo busy
Finding myself
Far away from you
But would you like to come out for a brew
Perhaps

Meanwhile the people that tell me they love me
The people that tell me they’ve always had MY best interests in mind while they themselves made decisions that affected me
Without me

Leaving me for my own good
Staying away from me for my own good
Telling me that I’m too good
For them

& which one is better
Really
Which one is worse
Or more real
Is anything real..
Anymore?

All I know is that I’m tired of the ****
This technological abyss
Where people can come & go as they please
Eternally

IT’S NOT OKAY
I will not come out to play
I will not twirl & dance for you
Every time you want to wind me up

For old times sake
So you can recreate
A distant memory of former bliss
What is this?

But utter confusion
You’re delusioned
If you think I’ll ever spin near your orbit again  
& no we can’t “stay friends”

For fks sake
Just leave me be

The last time that I saw your face
I was in a broken state
& as I drove off
I felt the knot tighten around this noose

Just moments ago in your embrace
I finally understood the way
That you no longer saw in me
the girl that you once knew

They say that eventually time heals all wounds
& that even when your inerts are battered & bruised
One day you will feel as if you are whole again

If I’m being honest, I’m not sure I believe that’s the truth
& even if it is I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to
Accept this as another it is what it is

Maybe that’s why I still look for you
In the faces of every **** passerby
Wondering why
They’re not you

& every single time
I catch a glimpse of an eye
Out of the corner of mine
I pray to God it’s not you

‘Cause I know that I need to move on with my life
Cut the rope loose & take it in strife
With every fiber of my being I must summon my power of will

It kills me to let go & yet it’s killing me to hold on
Stuck in this endless loop, a twisted conundrum

‘Cause I don’t want to
But I don’t want to want you
Still

When you give a person a part of your heart, you never truly get it back

It's theirs to do with as they please,
To treasure or to crack

But what happens when there aren't any
pieces left to give

When you've scraped out the last bit you had, & the outcome wasn't positive

Now your chest is bare & your mind is full
Of all the could have beens

While your heart is roaming from place to place, underneath other people's skin

Over time I've realized I'm the type of person who can draw anyone in
Mysterious, yet comforting to be around
An altruistic listener, an effective conversationalist, a trusted confidant
Modest as I may be, I do understand where I stand with most people
I'm the person you call when you're having a bad day, or need a ride, or even to bask in the glory of your successes;
a promotion at work, a new fling
I'm that person
The person to go to with your something;
your need, or your news
Intriguing from afar
Many want to delve into the depths
Uncover the story within
Until they realize that there's more
There's always more
Like a black hole pulling you in
Only to find that it's expanse goes on indefinitely
After a while my quips, my quirks
become exhausting
To others
No one can fathom traveling the distance
So they don't
They turn back
I willingly release them
of my gravitational pull
Then we both float on
In opposing directions
It's funny how one can be too much
Yet somehow, never enough

After all our time together
We had but just one fight
I thought that you'd lost interest
So you went ahead && proved me right

I'd like to tell you a story
It begins in 1492
When dear old Christopher Columbus
Sailed the ocean blue

He landed on what he thought
To be the country of India
He stumbled upon a group of people
Who appeared to be indigenous

Because these native people
Happened to be where he thought he was
He called them all "Indians"
&& somehow that name stuck

They welcomed his group with open arms
Even offered them their feast
Unaware that deep inside
They were but wolves, dressed as sheep

Columbus && his crew
Soon ravaged the land
They took what they saw
Then they took full command

Of the people they found
On the land where they landed
They felt they should rule
So they stepped in, heavy handed

They murdered the people
Who had taken them in
Set fire to their villages
While the victims watched with their kin

Flash forward to the future
It's now 2016
It's been over 500 years
Since the overtaking by the regime

Future settlers decided
To let the survivors live on
They designated them small areas
Of what had not yet been robbed

These Native Americans,
Generally keep to themselves
They get by living off their land
But now they need your help

The Sioux of Standing Rock
Are being horribly mistreated
The state of North Dakota
Is poisoning them without reason

A pipeline has been built
That runs through this Native territory
When Bismarck residents didn't want it
It was rerouted, how discriminatory

People from all over the country
Are seeming to agree
They are making the commute
To protest peacefully

In defense of an oppressed people
Who only want to live
But the government is stepping in
Even blowing off some limbs

"Let them die, they're not like us"
the message the administration is sending
It seems that after all this time
The battle is never-ending

What exactly does it take
For people to see eye-to-eye?
In the end we're all just human  
We kiss, we laugh, we cry

So if you have a heart at all
If you know that this is wrong
Please join the Sioux in their mission
By coming together, we can be strong

Call me old fashioned
But I dream of a love that's true
One where my better half means
the things that they say && do

Where photos of other women
On social media, among other places
Mean nothing to them compared
To the look we share between our faces

Where they're not constantly on the look out
For someone better to come along
Because they know deep down that being
With anyone else would just feel wrong

Maybe they'd know that I was the one
Right from the very start
Or maybe it would take time for them
to open up their heart

I'd go to the ends of the earth
To make sure they never felt alone
&& I hope that they'd do the same for me
That they'd let our love set the tone

So call me old fashioned
But I can't play these new aged games
My heart wasn't built to wander around
Once it finds a home, it wants to stay

In a world so filled with apathy
Someone has to feel
I'm sorry that you're one of the chosen

Plagued by the weight of the world
It can be hard to deal  
The task of those who live with their eyes open

Your thoughts are your thoughts
Your emotions are just
Nothing could make that less valid

Those who don't understand
May think they have the upper hand
But their lives are the ones that are pallid

As you walked away from me at the airport, my heart fell to the floor. You looked into my eyes as you said goodbye, && it felt like a real && final goodbye. This wasn't an "I'll see you soon," or even again.

I wanted to ask you to stay. I imagined you turning around, running back through the line at the gate. You'd tell me that "you just couldn't leave me." I'd pull you in && everything around us would fade away.

&& when I finally lose my mind, as all great thinkers do; when the world finally grants me peace, no longer having to be plagued by my own existentialism, by all that consumes me; I hope that this is the moment I can live in, replaying forever in my mind; you running back into my arms.

I stayed up all night to watch the sunrise
Such an odd feeling, looking at something that so many other people might be looking at too
All staring up together, && yet feeling so alone
Makes you realize that there's so much more to life, than just the things that directly affect you
I think oftentimes people forget that they're not the center of the universe
Or even the solar system
The sun has rightfully earned that title
&& who are we to think we can compete with that?
A blazing ball of fire
One that never falters, never goes out
It just shines on
I think we could all take a lesson from the sun
&& just be

Time to go get some bones ripped out of my jaw
Normally I would be terrified
I hate medical procedures
Anesthesia
Normally I would think to myself,
"What if I don't wake up"?
But today, today that fear doesn't plague me
I'm indifferent towards the thought
Towards life
If anything, at least I'll finally get some rest
I wonder if that will be enough to soothe my body or my soul
If anything, at least it will stop my mind from racing
I haven't slept in days
Haven't eaten either, truth be told
At least now I'll be able to go a week without talking, && no one will think anything of it
Talking, such a tedious task when your chest is sunken in
Sometimes I wonder how people do it
Just go about their days
Typing away at their keyboards
Meeting deadlines
Making small talk
Must be nice to just exist
Without feeling weighed down by the weight of the world

Give me a chance
To make this all right
I just can't walk away
I'll continue to fight

For you, for us
For what we once had
We can make it back to that place
If you'll just take my hand

I went off the deep end
Unsure how to swim in new depths
But I promise I can learn
We can still salvage what's left

We can build it back up
I know it may take time
But I'm willing to do whatever it takes
Please don't let this die

Laying it all out on the line
What've I got to lose?
Maybe we were a flawed design
But I'd have died for you

The ending was entirely my fault
That much I can admit
But was it really so easy for you
To throw me to the pit?

There I go again
Unintentionally shifting the blame
I'm half into a bottle of liquor
Calling out your name

Now things are getting hazy
But one thing remains clear
I'd give anything && everything
For once more to hold you dear

I still remember the first time we spoke
As if it were just last week
Even from the very start
I knew you'd be the death of me

I see that you're struggling
I acknowledge your pain
One can't appreciate the sunshine
Without experiencing a little rain

I know you feel broken
As you count down seconds on the clock
Just know that when you need someone
I'll be your rock

Standing by you through the storms
Without pause I take on this task
You can cry, scream, or cuss me out
As we wait for them to pass

I understand that you're tired
But you mustn't stop fighting
When the darkness surrounds you
I'll shine a light, just keep climbing
  
You're not alone in your feelings
Though at times it may seem
We've all felt ourselves drowning,
Gasping, struggling to breathe

You are only human
You do what you can
Don't ever be ashamed
To need a helping hand

You're not without flaws
But that's indeed my favorite part
The realest person I've ever known;
A true work of art

Always pay attention
When someone else is speaking
If it didn't mean something to them
They wouldn’t talk about it at all

Always listen closely
For the answers you are seeking,
May be closer than you think
Found in the ramblings of that call

Imagine if you will
A world where everyone cared
Where they leaned ear in intently
Instead of filling our heads with doubt

Maybe we'd all be happier;
Collectively less scared
We could solve all of life's problems
If we just heard everybody out

You see confidence builds greatness
Yet we continue to put each other down
Jealousy and rage keep us from turning the page
Even when the story could teach us something profound

They tell her that's she's gullible
They tell her she's naive
All she wants is to see the best in people
She truly just wants to believe

That there are still good people out there
Decent people, like herself
That live their lives with integrity
Helping others for more than an exchange of wealth

Yet time && time again,
People seem to take advantage
Of her kind hearted nature
Of her willingness to always bandage

Everyone else's wounds
All she really wants to do is mend
The hearts of all the broken
To listen whenever they need a friend

The girl whom is always helping
To fight other people's battles
The one that you deem weak
For helping piece back those who have been dismantled

Though she feels all alone at times
Though she could use help with some stuff
She'll never ask for anyone's aid
For her, helping them out is enough

Another day, another dollar
Or so the saying goes
You work so hard just to be hollered
At for bringing to work with you, your woes

You aren't a person once you've clocked in
You're not supposed to care
About the goings on in your own world
So **** it up, 'cause life's not fair

Always put your best foot forward
Nothing less than your best will suffice
Don't you think that a golden watch
On your superiors' wrist would look nice?

You're working for "the big man" now
Don't you understand?
Everything you do from here on out
Will add more cards to his hand

Try to come in when you're sick
Don't call off too much
How else will the higher ups
Pay for their daily corporate lunch?

Be happy with your current wage
You make enough to get by
If you ask for more, you could be fired
Without being given reason why

One day once you've given your all
You may be able to retire
They'll give you half of your former pay
As by law they are required

Month by month you'll receive your checks
Though they might not be enough to live
Your whole life they get to take take take
While you'll only ever give

At least now you can relax a bit
Maybe you can finally see
The whole world on a map before you
What it means to be broke, but "free"

I thought I was in love once
But I was just the gum upon his shoe
I let him stomp all over me
While I stuck to him like glue

He told me that he loved me
Which is why in my impressionable youth
I thought "this must be the real deal"
I thought he spoke the truth

The next time someone confessed their love
I couldn't bring myself to believe
That someone could ever care for me
I thought surely they would leave

So I pushed them away, && they did just that
They left me in a hurry
By this point I was too damaged to see
That deep down I was worthy

You see once a person is broken down
Their heart can never go back
The pieces may stick back together again
But if you look, you can still see the crack

Tell me that you love me
It need not be the truth
While we're in the pale moonlight
Sipping on vermouth

Tell me that you need me
If only for tonight
I just need a little something
To keep my head up in this fight

Tell me that you want me
Tell me you'll be true
I'm tired of being lonely
All I want for you to do

Is tell me that it'll all work out
Look me in the eye && say
That there will be a brighter tomorrow
If I can just make it through today

Thoughts thoughts thoughts
Racing through my mind
When all I want to do
Is lay here && unwind

But these thoughts thoughts thoughts
Around the corner they're always looming
How could I ever be at peace  
When they are all consuming

Thoughts thoughts thoughts
Still running through my head
I just want them to quiet down
Ah well, maybe when I'm dead

Lust is what's superficial,
but for some that's all they can muster.
Love is deeper than the fake facade;
It's not swimming, it's being pulled under.

Drive me to the edge of the earth;
You're in control.

I've been reading the dictionary lately,
A little something to pass the time
As I melt into the passenger seat,
With the world just ebbing on by.
Blurs bend the visible light;
We're going the wrong way.

Am I really here at all?
These thoughts are hard to handle.
What happens next I'm not sure,
But I'm willing to take a gamble.

Would you please pass me a needle,
With thread that blends to this flesh of mine.
I've been reading the dictionary lately,
And it turns out to have been a complete waste of time.
Blurs burn all things to white;
We're going the wrong way.

Drive me off the end of the earth;
You're in control.

We all have different handwriting.
There are people, graphologists, who dedicate their entire lives, to understanding handwriting. A singular letter formed, can let them see into a persons mind. It can bring to light a persons inner thoughts, emotions, views on the world && themselves. Despite the fact that several charts are created, identically, of the proper formation of each letter, no two people write the same way. We all see the same chart, && create something else entirely.

If that alone, does not show you how individual we all are, how each of us distinctively perceive the exact same thing, than I don't know what will.

Stop trying to be like everyone else,
when you were born to be you,
because you,
are something special.

So many people are living lives that they're not in love with, && I've just never quite understood that.

How much exactly
did it cost to sell your soul?
At what point did you decide,
"this is now my life until I'm old"

The truth is we're all invincible,
until the day we're not
We've got to live our lives to the fullest,
for it's only one that we've got

To go about our days,
meandering in the mundane
Is surefire the best way,
to drive ourselves insane

We're meant to be free thinkers;
artists, writers, && musicians
Making the world a better place
should be our only aim && mission

Be kind to one another
We're all in this together
It's funny how the things that divide us
Are also the same ones that tether

Us to this forsaken planet
Feeling like we're broken
When at any given moment
Kind words can be spoken

Falling from our lips
&& lifting others' hearts
We all have the capacity to make a difference
It's just a matter of choosing to start

No words do this just
It shall remain underwritten
But to sum it all up;
Darling, I'm smitten

Close your eyes
count backwards from fifty
Asleep you shall fall
Surely, but swiftly

If that doesn't work
It's okay, don't despair
Count imaginary sheep
As they leap through the air

You need to catch some z's
Your body is tired
Ignore the mere fact
That your mind is so wired

Oxygenate your cells
Don't worry, just breathe
Feeling relaxed yet?
Soon you'll drift to the land of dream

What's that? You're still up?
Perhaps you're just parched
Grab a quick glass of water
Then back to bed you shall march

As long as you're up
Might as well make a snack
Digestion should wear you
As the food makes way through your tract

You've wasted enough time
Now back to your slumber
Collapse onto the mattress
Slide under the covers

Each day you face your demons
Though at times it feels you're not winning
Inhale, exhale slowly
Now let's start again from the beginning

She only writes in black ink;
her thoughts are much too dark
for the blue.

Plip plop
Raindrop
Sliding down the window pane

Time doesn't stop
As it meets the blacktop
This liquid substance we call rain

The minutes they pass
Life's funny like that
How the world just keeps on turning

The moments, they don't last
Regardless of their impact
The clock keeps ticking, this I'm learning

No one wants to hear about
How you're really feeling
Though you may be filled with doubt
To them, that's unappealing

Hide that part of you away
Clench your teeth, just smile
Maybe if you fake that you're okay
One day it will all be worthwhile

In these moonlit hours
I lay here, my thoughts racing
Sometimes it's hard to handle
The realities that I'm facing

My mind is over-tired
Yet my thoughts keep me awake
It's just the way I'm wired
It feels as if there's no escape

Flashbacks hit me like a flash flood
I'm drowning in the memories
My wounds have opened, there is blood
Pouring from my arteries

As the crimson river runs
It feels do or die, this battle
The journey's never any fun
When you're up a creek without a paddle

I see everything so vividly
The visions that dance before my eyes
I'm overcome with melancholy
As I whimper out soft cries

Then just as quickly as it came
The feeling is gone, I'm no longer numb
My body's shaking dissipates
As I brace myself for when the next wave comes

Loving you was like being
in the eye of a tornado
Somehow it felt safe there,
in the midst of it all
As you gained momentum
I looked out at the world
crumbling around me

It took me a long time to realize that
being inside your storm was not safe
It would only be a matter of time
before you would take me down with you
In order to regain my own strength
I had to make my way to the outside

I had to let you destroy
every part of me
Intentionally
So that I could put myself
back together again
The way I was meant to be

My skin is warm
My bones are achey
Wrapped in blankets
Yet I'm still shaking

My head is pounding
My throat is sore
As I lie here ailing
My body's at war

My nose is running
Where to, I'm not sure
As I scour the internet
To find a quick cure

My vision is hazy
As I scroll through my options
Should I really trust random
Internet users' concoctions?

The coughing has started
I've just held back a sneeze
I've got to do something
Before I'm riddled with disease

I'll mix these ingredients
Then down them without attest
If this doesn't work out
At least I tried my best

Remember last New Years Eve?

We had plans to go to my aunts house,
then last minute you decided that you didn't want to go. You decided that you wanted to throw a party, not at our apartment, but at your fathers house. I thought this was strange, but I agreed to ditch out on my family, for you. You left early to prepare for this party; told me to meet you there later, but when I showed up at your door, you turned me away. I was dumb founded. You told me that it just wasn't the kind of party that I'd be into. What does that even mean? I should specify though, you didn't actually answer the door && tell me to leave. You were never man enough for such a thing. You texted me. I was standing outside of your door, && you texted me && told me to leave. So I did. What was I supposed to do at that point, beg to be let into a place where I was clearly unwelcome? I walked back to my car, in my sequined party dress. I drove back to our apartment. We had one of those text fights we always had; the kind where I asked you why you had done something unkind to me, && you flipped it so that by the end of the conversation I was apologizing to you && begging for forgiveness. I sat there in the dark, in the apartment, for the remainder of the night. I cried myself to sleep.

Fast forward to this year. You have the audacity to contact me, asking if I miss you. What I miss is the person I was before I knew the likes of you.

Here's to a new year, untainted by your touch.

That poem you wrote about me,
is my favorite of your works.
How could it not be?
That's the most wonderful thing
anyone's ever done for me.
To care enough to be inspired, by me.
To care at all.
But when you asked me,
I lied && said I liked another one better.
I didn't want you to think I was being arrogant.      
I care what you think.
When you told me that your favorite
movie trilogy was The Lord of the Rings,
I told you that I'd never seen any of the films.
What you don't know,
is that later that day
I went out && rented all three films.
I stayed up that entire night
watching them straight through.
I thought it would help me
to understand you better.
I thought it would make me feel closer to you.
I'm not sure if it did that,
but I enjoyed the films nonetheless.
I've always had a problem
conveying my emotions to people.
I convey all sorts of emotions,
just never the right ones at the right times.
Somehow it always felt like I'd be too vulnerable, showing people how I really feel.
For as long as I can remember,
I've always acted the exact opposite
of how I really felt. It felt safer.
I guess I always thought that if I showed another emotion, other than how I really felt, when I was ostracized, criticized, put down, for such displays of emotion, I wouldn't be affected by it.
After all, that wasn't the real me anyway.
Boy, was I wrong.
I now have enemies who love me,
because I've only ever shown them
kindness, so they wouldn't know
how I really felt about them.
I then have people that I would go
to the ends of the earth for, that believe
I hold a strong disdain for them.
I'm not quite sure how to fix this conundrum I'm in, but you really make me want to figure it out.

You once said that in your lifetime
you wanted to witness unrequited love..

Strength is an outward showing. If you think that anyone just feels like they can take on the world all of the time, you're wrong. Everyone is scared. Some people just push through it, in the hopes that it will inspire others to push forth as well, in the hopes that it will get better; it will get better. Create an epidemic of inner heroism, of inner strength. Sometimes you just have to do it. You just have to keep going, even when everything inside of you is screaming for you to stop. When others start believing you are strong, you will too.

"She never looked nice. She looked like art, && art wasn't supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something."



Do I make you feel something?

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder,
Money in the pocket of the biggest shareholder

Day by day, we grow older
Love is lost, hearts grow colder

So while you still can, you should hold her
Say what you feel, before you wish you'd told her

Don't stash your dreams away, in that folder
As you care less what they think, you'll get bolder

Listen to those, who need a shoulder
Let her live, don't try to mold her

Don't sell your soul, for something golder

Why is it that I go to sleep feeling lonely
But wake up to one hundred texts
People don't want me during the day time
But in the night I'm apparently a godsend

The 2 A.M. "what're you up to"?
Surely I know what that means
What you really want to know
Is if I'll satisfy your needs

When you're just a pretty face
No one cares what's on the inside
I'm the girl whom your mind jumps to
When all you want is a good time

I may not be everyone's cup of tea
But surely I'm their ninth shot of liquor
Brought up over drunken conversation
You all say "yeah, I'd stick her"

It doesn't matter what I say
It's not as if I have a choice
In this world of simple pleasures
I'm viewed as a body without a voice

Drunk on love,
&& some cheap boxed wine.
I do this all the time;
Why do I do this all the time?

There are 37.2 trillion cells
in the human body
Yet somehow,
you're coursing through
every last one of them.

I push people away constantly,
For fear of ever
Falling in love with them.

The heart always wants
What it cannot have,
A far away lover
From a far away land.

All I'm left with are these words,
Which shall forever
remain unspoken.

I'll just carry on in denial,
Pretending I'm not
Heartbroken.

If my outer layers are perfectly
placed together,
Can anyone tell that
my insides are shattered?

Bruised && battered;
Does it really matter?
Does any of it matter,

To you?

Love
We're all searching for it
We all crave it
With every fiber of our being
Yet somehow
When we find it
We try to bury it deep down
Too scared to acknowledge it
Too scared to admit defeat
But that doesn't make it go away
It only makes our hearts break
a little more inside
So we run
We run as fast
&& far as we can
Until inevitably
We feel a pull
from the invisible strings in our heart
That we didn't even realize
Were connected to someone else's heart
Until suddenly
We are propelled backwards
With extreme force

I gave him my heart,
I thought we could share,
But now he's got two hearts,
While my chest is left bare.

What do you do

When inside you're empty
When running feels tempting
When it feels like you can't win

When everything feels so mundane
Everyday is the same
Like a broken record is being played

On repeat
And all you feel is defeat
When you want to take a retreat

Back to simpler days

When you're smiling through gritted teeth
Though inside, just beneath
The surface
you're wondering why

Slowly slipping is your facade
While all you can do is smile && nod
As you murmur,

"I'm fine, how are you?"

Conversate.
Commemorate;
How all our lives are controlled by hate.
Let's sympathize, but still be wise.
Can't be consumed, by all the doom.
Take the time, to redesign;
Re-invent, but don't rewind.
Can't look back, keep moving forward;
Its time for leaders, not for cowards.
Stand up for yourself && for your mother,              
For your sisters, wives, && even brothers.
The time is now; the end is near.
Truth seekers, no longer hiding in fear.
Get money out && people back in.
There's only room for one to win..