I sit
To contemplate.
A deep thinker,
If I do say.

A bare speaker,
High dreamer,
A true believer.

A small side of me speaks softly,
In undertones
Of black and blue.

Pointing the gun
And tying the noose.

Thoughts,
As I know,
Let loose.

Leaves me stifled,
And bruised.
Tired,
And confused.

Dazy and hazy,
My heart is racing.

Words of truth
I cannot unfold.

For a word shed
Is a word told.

And I,
Kept quiet,
Would feel too bold.

For my soul is now sold.

Here I lay,
In comfort.
Sweet soft blankets
Warm me up from this blizzard.

Nothing can go astray,
As I lay in dark.

Pure and silent.

But a small creak on my floor
Awakens my blindness.

A creature
With eight claws climbs clumsily
Down my side.

Frozen in horror
I peak with two eyes.

And to my surprise,
It is black and fuzzy.
A creature so monstrous,
It truly stunned me.

I begin to question
What this could mean.

Am I covered in webs
From what I can see?

Has he enclosed me in his small sanctuary?

I cannot seem to breathe,
As the silky spider spins itself
Down by my door.

I hide my eyes
Until I see it no more.

Sleep is no option
As he crawls along my floor.

I silently scream.

But alas,
He takes a route that is out and about.

Out of sight and out of mind,
I sink back into comfort
With a happy sigh.

For what a scare to endure at night.

My thoughts.
So dark
They can’t be sought.

Little whispers
Cloud my head.
Triggers straight to my head.

Encrypting
Their teachings
Into my mind.

And I,
Now fallen,

Subjected to lies.

Mother,
I am scared.
Life is cruel
And unfair.

I want to escape
This world of hate.
To lessons and dates
I fall astray.

Mother,
Please,
I cannot commit.
Not in this world
That I wish to exist.

I want to go
To the Neverland.
To fly so high
With Peter Pan.

But Mother,
I beg,
Don't leave me alone.
I am old,
I know,
But young in the soul.

For a mature thought
Is locking my heart,

I wish to feel the way I did at the start.

I shot to the ground
From a bullet,
With no mercy.
I crawled along the waste line,
With no words I could speak.
I felt your arms around me,
But I could not see your face.
Every movement tore my body apart,
And every word you spoke,
I could not erase.
Your body was made of pure glass,
Now shattered by an action
I could not undo.
I continued to crawl helplessly
As I heard your cries.
And no life did I endure
But only the end of it.

I fell through the air,
Not once did I hit ground.
Headache corrupts my heart,
And pain into safety.
Dark light up my feelings,
And demon hold me so tenderly.
World slapped out by greed,
Complied by smiles of strangers.
Carry me down the mountain
And save my soul below water.
Tear struck by the lake of grey,
Scattered with wilted leaves.
Be patient with me, darling
A thousand days and the moon will shine.

How can a thought
Become a threat?
Created strictly
Inside our head.
Tears and sweat
From ponders of fret.
False scenarios
We beg to forget.

That is us.
Tormented by upset.

Oh,
No.
I must dismiss,
And forget.
But my mind is low,
And my grave is set.
Eyes they water,
And hands they sweat.
Sounds of laughter
To thoughts of threat.
Please.
Leave me be to just reset.
Let the cycle be free,

And just let me rest.

Light becomes bright.
Curtains drawn to reveal the scene.
Creaks of footsteps
Pass my wooden doors.
I sit patiently,
On a cold bedded floor
Looking from the window
So far away.
I grasp specks of dust
Surrounding me like soft glitter
Or so I thought.
I hear the door handle being motioned
Rapidly and frantically.
My body becomes frozen
As a window appears fully open.
The floor becomes ice
Burning my skin.
Paralysed with fear she enters,
But I float away.

Darling,
If only you knew.
My love for you,
Is through and through.
Unconditional,
And exciting too.
No other soul
Could fill your shoes.
And that
Shall always,
Be our truth.

'You will be okay'.
Four words that seem so fake.

To hear it,
Is common.
But to feel it,
Is rare.

Yet the ones that tell you,
Are the ones that care.

For the hope they hold will always be there.

You wear and compare,
The things I bear.
Sorries of none,
Pretending to care.
Scared to share
What you have of me.
Critical of others
That fail to see.
The parts of me
I tend to hide,
You make them scream
Until they die.
But i'm your truth,
And your my lie.
A friend of fake

Is no friend of mine.

My mind is windy,
So cold in storm.
Thoughts so violent
They scrape and scorn.
Illness of those
Who freak and fret,
Led to temptation
Of permanent rest.
Locked in frustration
Of guilt and regret.

Succumb to hatred from birth to death.

Clear the path
Of a mind so weak.
Home is near
Though I cannot see.
'Take me,please',
Pray God for ease.
Mouth shut
Outside,
As I try to speak.
Though only my thoughts
Can hear my pleas.
Now worn in exhaust,

From pain not seen.

I walked this earth,
Unaware of light.
A blindfold covered my weary eyes.

From day to night,
Roaming all alone.
My skin,
Like snow,
As cold as ice.

But you came along,
To warm my blood.
Took off the blindfold,
To show me love.

I am true and renewed,
And grateful for us.

Dear lord,
Lead me away.
Hurt still greets me
In the hours of day.
My loss of love
Was extraordinary pain.
And all that’s left is
Your ghostly remains.

Here I ponder,
Inside my room.

Breath hitching,
As the clock strikes noon.

Warm feeling ,
Gone all too soon.

And now,
I am full of gloom.

For reality,
Lives here in my room.

It is safe,
Like a child in their womb.

Dare I shake it off?
This feeling of terror,
And doom?

For life is my mind,
Cheerful and kind,
And I shall not live in gloom.

Her lips,
Are mine.
Her eyes,
Sublime.

I think of her all the time.

She listens to my voice,
Her smile,
So nice.

But to my surprise,
She laughs with another.

My heart
Is torn,
Pushed down in the gutter.

Sharing happiness with others,
Is beyond my advice.
As this rachet jealousy
Is burning like spice.

But one can only learn,
For she knows I am right.

My angel.
A mind so kind,
So curious.
You have rekindled my joy,
My purpose.

But now,
I can't help but feel alone.
As you walk down an aisle,
Smothered in rose.

And I,
Hold a lump in my throat.

You have finally grown.

Your company ,
Is wanted,
Yet mine is not.
My words mean nothing
As they tie in a knot.
I slow walk behind
As you hold their hands.
And I know,
That I am the one you can’t stand.
Yet you make yourself known,
Like the lead of a pack.
But your acting ,
So greatly ,
As I hang in the back.

I am cold ,
Like ice.
My soul sunk
Like the sun at night.
And though I tried
To leave you behind,
The thoughts of you
Did not subside.
They wandered
About,
Inside my mind,
Climbed great heights
Like clouds of sky.
But clouds,
They rain,
As did my eyes.
For now,
My heart,
Has left to die.

You were my safety.
A shortcut to heaven,
A happiness that saved me.

Perhaps you outgrew me?
You seem different lately.
Yet your eyes,
Speak a name.

One I heard you mutter,
But with a chuckle,
And for a moment,
You stutter.

But a flicker of reasoning,
Made me weak at the knees.

She was yours too,
Wasn't she?

I am who I am,
And that is who
I shall be.
Send love to our souls,
And acceptance of our body.

Stop wishing for more
Of what others may hold.
For our body is a temple,
Made from the purest gold.

A human can lie
To the heart and mind.
Sending an image of repulsion
In front of our eyes.

We scoff at the mirror
That holds no truth.
For what you see
Is not the true you.

Hearing words from others
That begins the game.
Our minds so bothered
By ones with no name.

No remembrance of them,
With faces of nothing.
Type faster than lightning
To just hurt something.

And that something,
Is us.
Our vision,
Lost.
For these souls should be pitied,
Bitterly,
With no sympathy.

And how pathetically sad
One must be,
To not find bad
In this treachery.

But our beauty
For one,
Shines brightly in disguise.
But one day,
Our vision will wake
And arise.

We shall look in the mirror,
And see the truth.
It is you,
The true you.
Not somebody new.
For beauty
Can only be envied,
By the artist
With no tools.

I am who I am,
And that is who
I shall be.
For I have no apologies,
As I am truly me.

At last,
I reach the long-awaited shore.
I lay my body
On gleaming sands,
Rested,
Landed.

I open my arms out
As the skies greet me with
Glistening stars
Greeting me with their gaze,
Lying lost in a star-stricken daze.

Water begins to flow,
Aches begin to go,
Letting my thoughts calm,
Letting my heart slow.

Waves begin to break,
Body shivers and shakes
Though not for reasoning
Of pitiful heartache.

At Last,
I am mended by the sea,
Leaving my mind be,
Finally,
A wave to the soul I come to be.

At Last,
I leave the burden I once had,
Screaming cries for help,
Never heard or sought,
As I painfully fought.

Fought for love,
Fought for a souless sinner,
Fighting for life,
Living,
Coming out as a winner.

Never once did I cave
Nor leave no soul to save.
Never once did I writhe
In my monstrous cave.

But here I lay,
Ocean to bay,
I am free to roam.

I am finally home.

What awaits,
Beyond my fate?

One cannot distinguish my state.

But you,
Of course, can,

Or so you say.

I am frail,
But strong.
Correct,
Yet wrong.

I wish not to join
The melody of your song.

For I am me,
And I shall heal.
From your ignorance,
Judgment,
And inability to feel.
For although I am lost,

At least I am real.

I see it,
I feel it.
At last,
I believe it.

I watch
The shore break,
Peace,
Relief.
I feel the
Calm waters
Beneath my feet.

Lost hope
Regained,
Seeing faith
In close sight.
Through
Day and night
I reach
Closer to light.

Story of old,
Left untold.
New writings
Unfold,
Covered in gold.

Back to the start
I go,
Fresh welcomings
Mend my soul.

A sunrise
Through sour season,
A true welcome
To peace,
And freedom.

I feel it,
I see it,
And at last
I believe it.

You question my reasoning,
Yet I don't know why.

For why I have you,
At the top of my mind.

When my heart is bleeding,
You let me cry.

When you feel like leaving,
You come back to try.

But only I can see,
Your glories and joys.
You are a wonder,

And I am proud,
That you are mine.

I would hold your dread,

Letting it rest
Onto my chest.
Visions of next,
Engulfed in fret.

You toss and turn,
Over these ghosts.
Unaware of me holding you close.

For I love you always,
And always the most.

Resistance,
It is all I know.
Forks and spoons
Are all for show.

My taste buds,
Numbing.
My senses,
Succumbing.

To bitter truth
Of my body,
Crumbling.

My stomach,
Rumbling.

This is torture and divine,
All at the same time.

For I am blind,
And my body is weak.
Crawling with little energy,
For no meal shall I eat.

I will wait and see,
Who finds me,
In front of my reflection.

For sustenance,
I welcome rejection.
My body,
Now filled with injection.

For you mention,
That I
Am a section
Of what I used to be.

Leaving me
To feel like rotten meat.
But you,
Scolded my body.

Isn't this what you wanted to see?

I,
Am lost.
Lost in this world
Of chaos.

Yet my mind
Has soothed me.
Like pretty skies,
And blooming daisies.

Feel warmth
Through hazy dreams.
Leave burdens
To die in sleep.

Birds pecking softly
Through greenery.

As I can only see
This world as futile,
And bleak.

But I,
In my mind,
Can live in peace.

No.
Not again.
My heartbeat stops
And comes to an end.
Lord.
It’s the end.
A flower once nourished
Now withered instead.
Nothing.
Blue feelings instead.
Imbalanced inside
As I hang by a thread.
Hm.
I’m hung by a thread.
Cut off from stitches
That helped me to mend.

As now I hang down,
In the blues of my head.

Nothing hurts when I'm alone,
As I drink the sweet poison
That empties my mind.

How unkind,
This substance can feel
So fresh and fine,
Without a thought to mind.
As I run for fun,
Through streets of unknown,
Not knowing who the ones are
Vibrating my phone,
As they text and call me
To come back home.

A smile creeps on my face,
As i'm restless and dazed,
In a hypnotic haze,
For one can only suffer
The very next day.

But alas,
The day has come,
And I for one
Awoken by a
Frosted memory,
Of one late night,
Turned into a horror sight.

Was I there?

As I meekly glare
At the ones who care,
Standing before me,
Beginning to stare.

I hear silence in the air.

Not one feeling I remember,
Not one feeling I forget.
I wake up in a cold sweat
Of utter guilt and regret.

Again,
And again.
A mind empty ,
Now full of dread.
Thoughts of confusion,
Moments in illusion.
Following an order
From strange intrusions.
My mind is chaotic
With harsh infusions.

Feelings they urge me,
With wrong solutions.

Just once,
May I cradle
That child I hushed.

For youth I rushed,
And thoughts I pushed.

She was scared,
And forever flushed.

An innocent heart,
Squandered,
And crushed.

And now she lives,
With no recollection,
Of being a kid.

'Your body is a temple'
Or so it was.
My skin now soiled,

Just because.

A shot in the dark,
A moment of lust.
Leaving me soaked
To the bone,

Just because.

I was your greatest toy,
To pass and toss.
Tears still stream
From moments i've lost.
No reason to find,

But just because.

Oh look at you,
So pretty and cute!
Frills suit you well,
Mommy can tell!

Show your friends !
They truly won’t mind.
For they will see my reflection
From behind.

Oh how unkind ,
You wish to leave ?
For why do your eyes
Begin to leak?

We will always walk
With the same stride !
For mommy is bound
To you for life.

For anyone who hurts you,
Shall be met with a knife.

For nobody else
Shall you dare to meet.

But only I,
Will usher you to speak.

With that being said,
Come my darling,
And sit next to me.

A thought pierces my mind,
Like a knife to a heart.

A slow memory forms,
As I feel a blistery wind.

Goosebumps on my skin,
I am no longer here.

My eyes,
Flooding like water,
A memory is near.

Emotions,
Unclear.

Breathing,
Unsteady and loud,
Mind blocked
Beneath a hundred clouds.

The silence is loud.

But I arrive back,
The moon rises up the corner.
As my thoughts wash away,
Just like water.

One idea,
To a thousand thoughts.
Some prove true,
Others are false.
Cruel or kind?
Nobody can tell.
Not even I,
The creator of this shell.
For my own,
Are unknown,
They choose,
They decide.
Leaving a complexity
In our evergrowing mind.

My life
Is a lesson,
I study alone.
Quietly at home,
In the dark of night.

I stroke my hand,
As I ponder
On my own.
To what love
Can I show?

I have recieved little warmth,
From the place I call home.

For no tutors
I had,
That aided my confusion.
I am forced to attend
The lesson of exclusion.

I waited on love,
Patience,
The beauty of binds.
But alas,
I am not equipt
For such a class.

Too difficult to pass,
Too harrowing to last.

As I sit here,
Unguided,
For my lesson has ended.
Another one begins,
Leaving me broken
And unamended.

Pretty,
You are.
A beauty of gold
That shines afar.

I know
I stalled these feelings
So large.
Sewing my heart
And hiding my scars.

But now
I know the truth as is.
I would give my soul
For a little kiss.

And now I pray,
To the lord above.
Give me your hand,

And let me love.

Growth.
A beautiful thing,
For the mind and soul.

From young to old,
To secrets untold.

In youth I thrived
Through actions of bold.

As I have lived
Through thick and thin.

And let my story unfold.

But all is well,
For my soul is home.
In the arms of death,

I am free to roam.

Your words,
Taunt me.
An echo
Of your voice,
Haunts me.

You developed,
So coldly.
Proceeded to love me
So weakly.

Yet you turn,
To face me.
Say my name
So loudly.

Your grieving,
Of the old me.  
Yet I ,
Face you.

No words
I spew,
Only hurt within truth,

As we are torn in two.

Oh little one,
Your heart died so young.
Life can be a pain,
And you were stung.
You sought happiness,
In the arms of your own.
As joy did not exist
In the heart of your home.
Your carers,
Were made of stone.
Flashes of anger
Turned you cold.
But through this,
You continued to grow.
Be proud,
Little angel,
You have won this alone.

My love,
I built a house for you.
A sacred comfort,
A room for two.

Your woes and troubles,
Are mine to soothe.
The path you face
I will walk too.

And when I do,
I shall guide you home.
In the arms of mine,

You are never alone.

These little monsters
Follow me around.
I need to run,
Outrun them now.

They run miles,
But never slow down.
Living in my head
Until I am dead.

Shall they follow me
To the grave?
Six feet under,
But there they lay.

Would they
Still have life,
If I am to die?
Would they still speak whispers
Into my mind?

For they are infested
Into mine.

But what am I thinking?
My enemy is me.
I am unkind to myself,
Left my senses to flee.

They are just a small
Depiction of myself.

For I am not them,
Nor anyone else.

I feel,
Tense.
Nothing is wrong,
But nothing makes sense.
Things are,
Intense.
Overwhelmed
By fear
Locked in my head.
Silly little scares,
Born and bred.
To fears of unknown,
I can't comprehend.

'Come,
Take my hand'.
Said the boy
That I,
Created in my head.
To live a little lie,
And go here instead.
Escaping my pain,
Away from such dread.
When I open my eyes,
I see nothing but red.
But I cave inside,
And here,
I fled.

Alone again
It seems.
Visions of you haunt my dreams.

Your rigged frame,
Locked in bed.
No sign of life
Through eyes of red.

Yet I speak,
Laugh,
And cry on your form.

As your breath become heavy,
My heart becomes torn.

I wrote a letter,
For you.
A darling for me,
Caught in the blue.
Unknown,
Silent,
A mystery to life.
Though I
Saw through,
And found your light.

My lungs,
Created as two.
Yet both drown
In the sorrow of truth.
My mind,
So busy.
My head,
So dizzy.
But i’m alive.
Though barely breathing.