baby I really need to feel your hue
at least in my dreams
I have been feeling heavy since your birthday
drained - weary - weak - weepy
.so alone that I can taste the void inside me.
thought friends of yours be a help but they injected a deeper void within my soul
a reminder they aren’t you
no one can ever be the way you were
...
wish you were here to hold me
wish you were here to adore me
wish you were here to love me
wish you were here to care for me
...
.visit me.please.come back to me.
living without you everyday is another stab right into my heart everyday
.the wound is getting wider and stronger.


.come back.

I miss you with all my being
having you in my life was so freeing
I miss the looks we exchanged
I miss the love we held so close
I see lovers every where
parts of me suffocates
as I know I won’t feel that with you anymore
parts of me awaits
as I feel this might still be a bad dream
I miss you with all my being
not having you makes my life meaning
-/- less beyond anyone can imagine

‪all that I knew and all that I lived for is nevermore yet it’s forever-more

I miss you. I miss the hue and the view of you. I’m truly blue for that there is no you yet I’m bliss for knowing you.

scared of sleeping
‪to relive the same bad dream‬
the one where death taken you
from me

I feel the guilt dripping down on my motionless body
I feel the shame being stabbed in my heart and being twisted multiple times so it‘s sure I can feel it repeatedly
I feel all at once and I become a statue
I feel the depressive thoughts being dropped right in the center of my head making it all filled with dark ashes transferring to grey clouds gradually
I feel the anger heating up under my room temperature flesh
I feel all at once and I become a statue
and I think about how all these feelings can disappear if you just hugged me
oh how I need your hugs when I feel all at once oh how I need your hugs to  feel protective and safe
just one more time to have you by my side
I would do anything
sometimes I get to feel your love from the other side but that’s not enough most nights.
I feel all at once and I become a statue

let the water from the falls flow
it might be a bit slow to see the glow
know this is the low of the flow
that there will be a grow
.so hold on tight, babygirl.

where is my baby
where is my other half
where is my love
where is he

was he ready
did he suffer
did he want it to come with you
did you take him into an enchanted land

where did you take him

since his passing, I feel nothing
life seems like it’s for nothing
so I started to flirt with Death
like: “psstt, I’m here waiting for you”

shutting my surroundings

I feel so alone in it all
my future is gone
my love is gone
my best friend is gone
my baby is gone
my everything is gone

I’m slipping away ever second
wishing for him back
.I’m alone.

I can taste death calling my name every second
It’s very soothing
I want to answer...
Maybe I get to see him...

The color of us is so bright.
It has to be everlasting somehow.
Within time and space there has to be an us.
There is no way that your death means an end for us.
We have to meet again.

One day we’ll meet again
On the other side
You’ll take my hand and
then I’ll feel at peace again

One day we’ll meet again
I’ll pout for some seconds
For how this road has been tiring
Just like when I drove to see you

One day we’ll meet again
You’ll take my hand to eternity
I’ll be thankful for your guide
We’ll feel as one again like we did
On this physical plane

our love was a melody
we felt as we were one
when we touched
the time stopped
though we were long distanced in times...
we looked upon the same moon
every night
we looked upon the same sun
every morning
we were under the same sky
and we were so in love
we sang the tune of true love
what tune shall I sing...
now that death taken you away?

I linger on my phone
so maybe...
your name will be shown
so maybe...
the deep ache for your loss is known
to you... so maybe... you’ll come back to life

I lay here
With a fear
loan me an ear
It’s been a year

Hear Me Out
Watch my mouth
I’m in the drought
No doubt

About to fall
no need to stall
It’s the right call
I‘m just so small

I want to be happy
As happy as I can be
/flowers and sunshine\
That’s what I really want
Spring feelings in winter times
That’s what I really want

I wanna be happy
I been saddd lately

whoah
please, please

why dont you?
let me be happyyy?
Cause I really wanna be happy
help me to be
happyy

choice damp hair
voice like ice
her teary glare
set a Price
for a course
beyond his stare

so it changed
thru weak smiles
sulky silence rooms
both failed to remark
their easy love

and I wonder if you know
there’ll be a fall
that I’ll feel so small
and I wonder if you’ll show
the way to rise
that is wise

it’s not going to come easy
resting my head                                  sweetie
I want you next to me I’m greedy
I love you so deeply
one more time to hold you briefly
then I might feel freely
it’s not going to come easy

how do you do? don’t you lie
I know you been blue
I can feel the grey sky on you
I won’t let you go

baby, how do you do?

I looked upon your dead body
and all I thought it was
how it didn’t look like you
how this can’t be my baby

I still can’t grasp your sudden death
I’m so very sorry that I couldn’t
save you
but that soulless body isn’t you
It can’t be you

Everyday I wake up
I feel the colors of you
Oh how I try not be so blue

You feel like a distance beautiful dream
I ask if any of it was real
If we actually met
If your smile was real
If my memories are a thing
everynight and every morning  I scream
is this my new reality? without you?
Falling in love with you was so surreal
and now losing you is so surreal
I beg of you to come take me with you

I ask is it all real?
     The
      “what’s for meal?”
and
      “how do you feel?”
should’ve been the questions not
if your death is real?
or
if your existence was real?

.It’s a poison that I’m drinking since your soulless corpse.

I’m mourning! waking up to a warning!
every morning inside me is storming!
dark clouds forming, circling informing me
“you are no longer here for me to feel”
**** for saying I’m in transforming
**** for causing my sorrow by your laughters
**** the road to heal and whoever tells me that
how can I possibly heal when my healer is gone? HOW?
How the **** praying or manifesting going to fix anything?
**** everyone who act like they were there for him when he was breathing. **** for trying to understand the lesson of his passing this soon!
**** for temporary *** people in his life
that act temporary with their feelings too

another waves of emotion hitting the shores down my tippy toes contemplating weather to take the ocean for a deep swim or simply just watch the waves as they come

‪My soul reeks of anger and hate. It’s the deadliest poisons I have drank since the day I was left alone. There may be love behind it all. Shall it arrive one day but can’t be today or any days for awhile.