Why was I born an obstacle?
Why is being a woman, considered as one?
For I can learn and I am capable
Yet none of it matters, for I am not a son
If you truly need more soldiers
Please just take me instead
My father knows no limits, but I do
Just treat me as one of your men
I will fulfill my role as a soldier
I am a female and a fighter
I am a woman and a warrior
I may not be perfect
But I will fight for her
The girl in the looking glass
Who has failed as a daughter
She will fulfill her role as a soldier
She is a woman, she is a warrior
She is the girl worth fighting for

For so long I wanted to be water
An element that soothes and saves
For I was born of fire
Wild, destructive and difficult to tame

I tried to dull my flames
In order to gain some control
Though the spark deep inside me
Wanted freedom to console

The hatred I held inside
I couldn't accept my role
I wanted to be everything I wasn't
The ocean, the rain, the winter's cold

How can I run free
When all I'll ever do is destroy
The fire that burns in me
Is a passion I can no longer avoid

I finally embrace my element
As it is in my nature
I want to be free to be myself
I've never felt more sure

For so long I longed to be water
An element that subdues and relieves
But I was born of fire
With a warmth that burns so passionately

I am a candle that provides you light
I am the fire that warms you whole
I brighten your darkest night
I thaw the coldest hearts and souls

How can you contain a storm
Because I've tried all these years
I've deprived myself of all things
Just to keep my mind clear
It seems like it's getting worse
I can't help but be frozen with fear
I just wanted to build a snowman
But I have to miss it every year
For once I want to let go
Of these gloves, my mental chains
If I suppress it, it only grows
I don't want to hurt her again
I'm afraid of keeping this coldness inside
That it will stay and freeze my heart too
Alone and afraid, trying to maintain this lie
When was the last time I said anything true?
I'm afraid of myself most of all
How can I fit in this society?
When I cannot be who I am
Without remorse, rejection and anxiety
I'm afraid the longer I'm away from her
I'll lose my last bit of warmth
That I will soon be cold-hearted
Then I will never stop the storm

I was chosen by chance
The moment fate took a bite
The start of my story
Was the end of his life
I felt unworthy and confused
Running farther from the fight
I wasn't scared of the dark
I was more scared of the light
That focused on my failures
Weighed by greater expectations
I was ****** into the web
Of my own frustration
I want to run and hide
Just to escape it all
Forget what fate has given me
All of my fears and all of my falls
This mask that holds a legacy
Wasn't able to mask a novice
Because this suit held a hero
And I wasn't suited for this promise

You were like a wild fire
That I watched from a distance
Yet somehow you caught my heart
I wanted to be closer, in your presence
So trusting, I reached out my hand
In order to be embraced by you
Aggressively, painfully you took it
And naively I didn't have a clue
That my hand claimed to be unfit
You burned my skin around and through
Crazily I thought I would get used to it
Build up a tolerance that was tough and true
I was mesmerized by your puzzling beauty
How brightly you shined on your own
Throughout the day until the night
I never felt like I was alone
However my tolerance
Didn't seem to grow
Your flames started to consume me
Taking more as they go
You weren't satisfied with a piece of me
You wanted more than I could show
Oddly enough I relished in it
My crazy passionate joking beau

I read the newspaper stained in black
I watch the television covered in blood
I listen to the corrupted comebacks
Coming from the people I used to love

The world holds so much negativity
As I try to escape my own
I cower from the harsh world outside
Counting my reasons to be alone

I was raised to fear the world
Just follow what others say
Continue being the passive wallflower
As I count my reasons to stay

Out there is a world where I fall and fail
While my inner world consumes me
Overstimulated and stressed in all kinds
Desperately searching for peace

Curious, oh so curious
Like a new born canvas
Eyes with the blankest slate
Ready to be coloured in
Born with the adventurous thirst
Of finding the perfect medium
Wander and wonder, my child
Try different shades and textures
Learn to speak a thousand words
To build your own inner picture

I seem to prefer the cold
As if to sooth my bruised heart
So it freezes and no longer bleeds
Frozen around and between the parts
Because a cold heart is still whole
Even if it can no longer feel
When the warmth has been lost
Losing its attraction to appeal
Only a fool would fall in love
Having the intention to steal
This fool's gold of a heart away
One that has been shut and sealed

If I'm always the odd one out
I must follow where everyone goes
Regardless whether I want it or not
Just to keep everyone close
I've been conditioned to learn
From others, to always want more
More friends equates to more love
Be more successful than before
But fame and fortune do not excite me
I relish in private solitude
I'm reshaping my view on difference
As a preference I'm willing to pursue

You are like a box of kleenex
But you are more than a box of tissues
You are there when I am sick
Or whenever I cry over personal issues
You are there to help me
Clean up my messes
You are there to comfort me
With my life stresses
I need to take you everywhere with me
In pocket form, when I travel too far
And traveling gets easier
When there's one in the car
You help me aid others
When they are sick or need help
You can never have too much kleenex
Or a mother's love for yourself

Sometimes the enemy is myself
In the fight for my will to live
An inner conflict that occurs
More often than I care to admit
Approaching myself with utmost care
As if I am a war torn child
Who is use to conflict yet still afraid
Like bulletproof glass that's fragile

Captured moments in time
Nestled between my fingers
A treasured piece of that time
Past feelings tend to linger
Back to when you were mine
Caught within a frame
I hold this piece of you
The only piece unchanged
Unlike my love for you
People tend to fade
Into something unrecognizable
Familiarity ceases to remain
When I say I love you
Tis a lie that holds some truth
Reserved for the person you once were
My beloved that you outgrew

I want to keep my inner child alive
The more mature I become, the faster he dies
I want to keep his wonder in my eyes
As my curiosity blurs along with time

Who he is, is getting harder to define
Losing his small hand's grip from mine
Maturation is going to make me blind
The vibrancy of my colours subsides

His childish traits are falling back inside
The outside world and him do not coincide
Hardening my heart that use to be kind
Leaving with his pieces that use to be mine

He retreats to the corners of my mind
Burying himself in memories of time
Because that is where his happiness lies
In my childhood when the world was wide

I place myself behind too many lines
Building a box using all the right signs
Growing up into expectations assigned
Resorting to a life so simplified

My feelings for you now
Is like the tide
It comes and it goes
Sometimes the sea is calm
And it doesn't come at all
Sometimes my emotions stir
Like a whirlpool in the sea
Or they become chaotic
Hitting me like a tsunami
My love for you now
Seems to come in waves
Like a gentle tide
That still rushes to you
With feelings not quite the same

How often it is to fall in love
With someone who hurts you
It's easy to say, just leave them
It will hurt less I assure you
They say nice guys finish last
And girls fall for bad boys
What happens when you fall in love
With someone you couldn't avoid?
When friendship is what led you
To a love that runs too deep
Enough to confuse your heart
And give you the inability to sleep
When you fall for the nice guy
Don't misinterpret his words
He won't lie or mistreat you
And that is why it hurts
His kind actions will displease you
His kind words will give you hope
His kindness is what you love and hate
He makes it harder for you to cope
When he breaks your heart with hugs
When he stabs it with kind gestures
When you cannot leave or it will hurt him
And the last thing you want, is his discomfort
There comes a point when being with him
Is like a slow suffocating suicide
A reverse abusive relationship
One too difficult to leave behind

Thank you for listening
To my silence amongst the noise
My unsaid words reached your ears
My quiet voice was heard
Words said through my actions
Words felt with my touch
Thank you for accepting them
And for accepting me just as much
You lifted me up
So that others may hear
The story of my past
And the ocean of my tears
I can walk into the new year
So I bid you a final goodbye
I can go on my own now
All because you made me try

Recently I tell myself
I'm putting this love on hold
It sounds easier than giving up
Or moving on from a love untold
It sounds indefinite yet not
I'm neither trapped or controlled
To stay or leave when parts of me
Are still divided to uphold
If in 10 years I still love you
Or forget this love I know
I hope to be content, in love
To wherever this heart may go

A day to myself
Is a day I can control
Not for anyone else
To have my life in their hold
No pressure or priorities
That stem from the outside
Less expectations or emotions
To heavily effect my insides
I gain the freedom to live
My day in mirrors
To reflect and perceive
In the presence of the other her
To spend quality time
With my looking glass self
A break from the hectic world
Needed space from everyone else

Childlike innocence
Childlike wonder
I want to travel back to that time
A simpler time
Simple yet imaginative, so creative
A world solely mine
That is my wanderlust

My tolerance for pain is high
My tolerance for people is low
Life keeps going overwhelmingly too fast
When all I ever grew up with was slow
I hated myself for being different
Yet I couldn't force myself to change
To fit their mould and expectations
I didn't want to be just the same
I felt guilty for wanting different
No one told me it was okay
I find it difficult to allow myself
To ignore what people have to say
I'm afraid of judging eyes
Critical minds and shallow mouths
That judge how they see it
Or what other people have found
Slowly I am learning
That being myself is okay
I'm allowed to, I'll try to be
Unapologetically me, everyday

She had that passive presence
Like the ticking sound of a clock
Sometimes you might notice her
Most often at times you do not
Like a wallflower, she is
You notice her on the wall
But then you get use to her
And don't care if she's there at all
As if she is just forgettable
You can't help it if you forget
She is use to it, it's understandable
It still hurts her nonetheless

I never really had a dream
I always had a goal
Until I met her, it seems
I had one hidden in my soul
I wanted a lavish life
To make up for what I lack
To live out as someone else
Indulge and never look back
Then I met her
Who dreams more than she knows
She is lively, innocent and bright
Inspiring wherever she goes
Her dream is so pure
Nothing to really be gained
She only wanted to see and know
Why those floating stars came
I realized dreams could change
I have found a new dream
To be with her amongst the lanterns
Every year so it seems

She explored worlds only known
To those who had patience and perseverance
A world without visuals yet gave sight
To those willing to create it
A world filled with diverse people
Who all shared the same voice
A world so loud in words
Without making a single noise
She had many worlds she could explore
Too many for her to decide
Each new world lined up on the shelf
Aligned with past adventures to remind

You were like a shade of blue
A unique shade I had first encountered
You were a refreshing, relaxing shade of blue
That later became my favourite colour
So the more I fell in love with you
I painted more of my world with that shade
I was surround by that one shade of you
Because you held that comfort that I craved
But then your shade of blue
Turned my world dark and navy
Like the restless waves at night
I couldn't see anything so they drowned me
I realized while stuck between currents
That you are just one shade
Out of a spectrum of colours
I will love another all the same

I do not love him anymore
My feelings are nonexistent
My heart is no longer torn
Its stubbornness cease to exist
Whatever happened in the past
Let me leave it there
I am no longer sad
I no longer care
Two halves of my heart
Have again become one
Neither of them are yours
For my love for you is done
Keep the piece I've given you
If there is space in your heart
For I have no fragment left for you
And for that I can finally part

Sometimes it doesn't feel like me
What I'm living in is foreign
What I want versus what I need
In a way it feels distorted

I was use to deprivation
In a way it was my pride
I didn't need or wanted as much
Even now I still don't mind

Overwhelmed with newfound freedom
I am free. Still, I am lost
I'm no longer trapped or controlled
But that was all I was ever taught

I was raised by maps and manuals
Now you give me a pen to write my own
Opening various paths around me
Paralyzed in anxiety to take even one alone

If recovery meant burning all of my maps
And rewriting all of my manuals
Letting go of strict rules and superior words
To be mortal than something mechanical

When people tell me
To not be sad or to not cry
I can't help but associate
Those feelings with myself
Who am I without my depression?
I grew up with it, it is a part of me
It is as if I hear
That I cannot be myself
Just try to be someone else
Try to be happy, they say
As if happiness was a person
That I am always compared to
A favourite child, that I'd always lose to
The first choice that he loves too
I can try to be her
I can force myself to be her
But I cannot be her
I can only be myself

She had a sweet voice made for lullabies
Among the people who sang like sirens
She was but a whisper without an echo
Singing along voices that could cross oceans

A starling surrounded by suns
A subtle breeze against a hurricane
A dim version of what she could have been
A candlelight beside a fireplace

People tend to undermine her existence
Telling her she was never quite enough
Her quiet and subtle nature was forgettable
She only deserved an equivalent love

Even so, she stands with her small stature
Without wavering after the day has rest
Into the night she preserves her light
Guiding and accompanying those who feel any less

She was the lullaby that touched separated hearts
Reunited with the harmonized whispers of song
She was a knight of light who guards a single child
In her presence, the night can do no wrong

She didn’t have to be the action pack thriller
She was a bedtime story that lulled you to sleep
The narrative you asked to be read each night
Because it is a tale your heart wants to keep

Gentle and calm, soothing and soft
In a harsh world that demands sharp edges
Her hidden strength was how despite it all
She preserved her softness from all the wreckage

His goodbyes were like the sunset
A warm embrace leaving the day
How calming was his presence
As the sound of his steps fade away
He reminds me of the sunset
How I wish he would have stayed
A sight of a beautiful ending
Transitions to memories to my dismay
I hold these memories close to me
So I can put them on display
As I wait for him to come again
A beautiful ending on replay

Those silent wars unknown to most
Are the important ones to win
Concealed ongoing wars
Can be easily brushed off with a grin
When the room is filled with absence
Nothing to overshadow your mind
Your thoughts lead you to places
Mindlessly, to where the fight resides
The darkest hours, truly are
Call the strongest foes out
Attacking old scars just healed
Bringing your defences down
While the rest sleep in dreams
Your demons like to hide
Behind the facade of the dark
Where past dreams have died
They use darkness as deception
To camoflauge what you perceive
To portray as frightening as they want
For as long as you believe
You are breathless with fatigue
Lying in a puddle of your tears
For another fight was won that night
Another battle against your fears

I sculpt you in the papers of my sketchbook
Every stroke of your outline is defined so well
To express the only way I know how
An outlet for my hidden feelings
But seeing your face in view again
Always elicits another daydream
It is never enough
You don't know that I draw you
In your most candid moments
Just to capture that memory again
You're the most beautiful when you don't try
By now I know the beauty in your every flaw
From growing up by your side
As close as we are, I want to be closer
Every canvas I see
Is another home to paint a memory
Your lips like fire, your eyes like the sea
They resemble the chaos of the waves
Showing your wild nature
They reel me in
I drown in them endlessly

People will keep talking
But I don't have to listen
Others will continue to expect
And define my existence

They will try to take away
What's left of my childlike innocence
And even then, the things I do
Are still none of their business

How can I feel okay?
When they become restless
From me not conforming to their way
They only see it as reckless

Their shallow mouths spew words
Bringing upon damage that is endless
With the naive intentions to help
Yet, why do I feel more helpless?

Childhood criticisms cling to me
Leaving me defenceless
Whenever the guards of my walls
Become tired and careless

I thought it'd be easier to live
If I was just passive and selfless
Until I was driven to the point
Where I couldn't tell what was precious

I have now accepted that it is okay
That I do not share the same ethics
The differences found in me
Should not make me so apologetic

I find it very difficult
To differentiate some things
Is it me or just my depression
Do I want to get better
Or just be who I am
Do I smile for everyone
Because anything else
Is more unsettling
Because everything else
Requires some explaining
Am I getting better
Or am I just fitting in
Do I need help
Or just acceptance
Am I fighting it
Or am I denying it
I am confused
Because of this conflict
It feels too complicated
To simply comprehend
Do I even want answers
To these questions

Your last words to me
Left like ending credits
Unable to grasp my attention
Long, detailed in darkness
Executed in thanks
You gave a long explanation
Why you had to go
Leaving a numb sensation
Does it hurt? I don't know.
What was your intention
To leave yet linger as though
To cause and relieve the tension
Like the last replay
Of my favourite movie
One I can no longer watch
Because it was the end of our story

Why do tormented souls
Produce the most beautiful lines
As if intrinsically, in artistic manner
Is the only way to express their cries
Why do we call something beautiful
Though there is sadness behind
An art so accurately portrayed
With feelings too deep to find
I thought beauty was reserved
Only for positive things in mind
And yet we also tend to love
What was too painful to defined

I use to wonder
What was wrong with being single
When I had my time back to myself
I had space, solitude and freedom
But that's just it
That abrupt lack of another person
Too soon to settle
You're left with a void in your heart
A gap in your mind
Unknowingly, you make room for two
You are left with all this space
What do you fill it with?
Who is your last thought at night
Or your first thought when you rise
Or every spare moment in between
Who do you think about in the silence
Or who lives in your daydreams
As if you are a house
And he is the furniture
Then he moves out
You are still a house
Though you no longer feel at home

Like a butterfly who misses the many legs it once had
Back then when it could only crawl and climb
Like a flower that misses itself at its shortest stem
When it was just a seedling right before its prime

There are moments when nostalgia hits
Too much that it makes me unaligned
I ponder if I should regress to who I once was
Only to go against my evolutionary design

Or perhaps I just miss knowing I was loved
So I question whether again, I would find
Acceptance and belonging with fond memories
With the current identity I now reside

I could go back and make things simple again
Go along with what I’ve been assigned
It's been done before, a path predetermined
With the name I was given at the starting line

When I consider such a thought I feel much resistance
As though I am forfeiting without much of a fight
I feel caged, suffocated with helplessness
If I had to persist in a life limited to foresight

Know where I've been so I know where I’m going
Where is the bridge where these two paths combine?
To keep treading forward as I shed all that is unbecoming
Becoming a way of being I can personally identify

She was like a broken mirror
Anything beautiful, she would reflect
A reflection abnormally distorted
Her perspective could not connect
She could not see the sparkle
Of the sunset sprinkled on the waves
She couldn't share the happiness of others
Because her feelings weren't quite the same
People's smiles were always crooked
Compliments were always misheard
Acts of kindness were disappointments
Expressions of love were just words
She was tired of being broken
Constantly blinded to beauty
She gave up holding her pieces together
Loosening her grip more than slightly
Her broken pieces then fell apart
Into a pile of shattered looking glass
She laid there with her hollow frame
As she could finally rest at last
Her self destruction symbolized
Her innermost desire for rebirth
Her lack of knowing what was beauty
Did not take away her worth
She realize her vision's distortion
Only showcased her perception
Her definition of beauty
Was different beyond interpretation
She arranged her shattered pieces
In a way her beauty befits
On the ground where she laid
Was a beautiful mosaic

I keep giving away pieces of me
In hearts filled with someone else
As if giving away puzzle pieces
To puzzles already built

Your presence is passive
Only a few see your passion
As those who overshadow you
Always seem brighter
Your beauty shines just as much
Though differently, in the moments
When most are unaware
You are one whose mind flourishes in the dark
Or whose love gives more
After the sun has left
Through late night talks
Or late night thoughts
You are a comforting light
To those who seek it
As you stay with them in their darkness
You are the child
Of the man in the moon

I look at you with hearts in my eyes
Can you see my heart breaking?
I look at you with sparkles in my eyes
I am drawn to the spark between us
I saw chemistry and potential
A spark that could light a forest fire
Strong enough to disrupt the nature of our friendship
But then I look at you looking at her
The same way I do to you
I can't blame you
How you look at her
Your eyes don't lie
And neither does mine
I just hope you never look deep into my eyes
And realize I love looking into your eyes too

Closure is like waiting
For him to close the door
Just so I can finally close mine
But I also have a door
That I can close yet I do not
Because I still look into his life
He doesn't close his door
So neither do I, the only difference is
He no longer looks into mine
I come to the realization
I can close my door
He isn't there to stop me
I don't have to wait anymore

People tend to forget her
As if she was a chameleon
Blending into conversations
Wearing a shape shifter's skin
She tend to mirror other people
Just to learn how to fit in
But like a mirror, unknowingly
She reflected what was within
A mind teaser, a people reader
She was who she was with
A mixture of absorbed characters
Like a cauldron of characteristics

If your feelings can only be expressed
By human nature's raindrops
If you must break the dam
That holds your tears back
If you must open your eyes wider
To see past the blurry vision
As if your tears cleanses your sight
Bad thoughts, bad feelings and memories
Flow out through the windows of your soul
Keep them unlatched until the rain has ended
For storms like this come and go
The salty drops that stain your face
Are reminiscent pieces of your sorrows
They are no longer trapped
They are free to fall
It is okay to cry

I don't want to be
The center of attention
There for all eyes to see
I want to be acknowledged
And recognized for just being me
I don't want to be known
For my struggles
But I want to be noticed
When I'm struggling
Not for everyone to see
Just one is enough
Just one who understands me

Fall into the rabbit hole of my soul
For it is dark and deep
An endless abyss of complexities
That you can never fully explore
I too, have not seen the end
I continue to wander
The parts of my soul
Created, yet untouched
Unknown even to me
Because I am finding myself
Unknowingly in a cycle
Of creating and reinventing
How can you tame
What is always changing

There once was a little starling
Who was born on the milky way
Surrounded by others just like her
In the constellations where they had played

One fateful night she fell out of orbit
Floating farther and further away
Surrounded by the darkest of galaxies
Wondering why she couldn’t have stayed

There were days she lost a little more stardust
Trailing behind her like a shooting star
Falling into the biggest black hole
She was scared of losing more of her parts

Surrounded by the empty darkness
She lit the darkest corner of the universe
Though she was unable to see her own light
Because too often she cared for others first

She came back to us as a 4 pointed star
Losing one of them on her journey home
Every night we formed a cluster of stars
To remind her that she was never alone

If only she knew she was a starseed
In the darkest moments is where she grows
For she became our brightest north star
Who always brought us home with hope

In this place of adventure and wonder
Because I'm always wondering
What's going to happen next
Where predictability and routine
Are as common as nonsense
I feel comfortable in the chaos
In this place, the sun never sets
The adventure never seems to end
I've always wanted a life like this
I never felt more like myself
I am like a puzzle piece
With the most jagged edges
That somehow fit here so perfectly

The road to recovery
May be longer than I intend it to be
As if I've been walking for more than a century
Seems more like the road to immortality
Even if I still walk the path in darkness
Even if I cannot see the end
I will keep walking forward
While my heart continues to mend
I will stitch my heart back to together
Finding new pieces along the way
Filling in those missing parts
It will evolve into something new each day
A path with no light
Can be difficult at times
I cannot see the obstacles
I am more vulnerable from behind
Demons of my past
Or my mere cautiousness
Stop me from going further
I become emotional and careless
Along the way I learned
I create my own light
No matter where I go
There will always be a path in sight

I was entranced by him
Until his riptide brought me in
Into an ocean of infatuation
Where I was left stranded

His waves came and left
To me, like mixed signs
Struggling with my emotions
Robbed me of clarity and sight

I was then pulled under
Falling further from the light
As my heart weighed heavier
From this growing feeling inside

His eyes resemble the ocean's trenches
I was captivated by curiosity
Of what lies beneath the shallows of him
The depths of his soul intrigues me