The first time I met you
You said I was too quick,
That you liked to take your time.

I said, well okay fair enough
Let's take this as slow as should.

It didn't take two weeks
Before you broke me.

Speak of quickness.


-- Eleanor

you said
if life tries to sell you ****
pay it with roses

******* horseshit

missing something
that doesn't exist

stupid nostalgia

i am sorry
i am sorry
i did you no justice
in not crying
over your dead body

If you are an ocean,
Let me sink in you.

I miss you
Quite subconsciously.

i left you because
my glass feels less lonely
than you.

i left you because
my drunken haze
didn't match yours.

i left you because
your soft voice was
heaven to my ears

and i always preferred hell.

i left you because
you leave me every night
and speak the name
of someone else.

someone skinned
deeper onto your skin,
someone you can't just leave
someone for whom you breathe.

i left you because
you always left me

and your fingers didn't feel like a lock
when mine were the key
they didn't fit in.

i left you because I love me
like ghosts on water
like ideas of forever

and you love me
only
momentarily.


-- Eleanor

Most people were conditioned
To think in a certain way.
Some cope with it with submission
Others with rebellion.

All the same
In the end.


-- Eleanor

Skinned ghosts and spilled ink
In a sack of flesh
My very own.

Circumstances are hinges
Where poetry swings.
They can open a door
To a million linguistic expressions
Or they can shut them off
**** them in the sore of your throat
But never mute the meaning of.
Meaning lays in the very state
Of furtiveness and nakedness
From which words, inner or external
Emerge.
When mine merge with yours
It's beautiful
But when feelings do
As ore as they can get
There is not a word
Left to say.


-- Eleanor

The sky like the palm of my hands
Is clear and faint
Holding stars and then slowly digesting them
Just like I do with magic pills.


--Watercolour

What has life made of me?
Where has life taken me?

This body has never been mine, nor will this mind ever be.

There is a terrific sadness in every time
I look in the mirror and pretend to smile.

Dear Adam,
I have missed the spring and I am coming to you soon
The eyes that flicker, the stories behind the eyelids
The heart that ***** in the air
Like a flightless bird that dreams to fly.
Make sure you open up those heavy arms of yours
Make of my thin body your prisoner
Forever
See me for the second time,
Look at me as if it was the first time.

Adam, the ground has never been mine to walk upon
This Earth is selfish, she wants us all
But I am weary, just like you.
Everywhere I look, I find wrinkles
Old objects full of dust
Young people full of lust
Golden hearts full of rust.

Adam, I have been reeking of desolation
Since the day I died
Right there on grass that has never been greener
Under a sun that has never shone brighter
Since I died
Of longing
I have been reeking of desperation
If it wasn't for the books you left me,
If it wasn't for this letter today
If it wasn't for the hope of finding you again
I would have long turned into a portrait
Copied off of a portrait of a portrait
Of a portrait someone painted off the back of their mind
Intelligible and faint.

Adam, the lines on my palms are fading
Drip by drip
The water in me is adding up
And drowning what life has left of me
Poor little soul, good for nothing but the sadness

Adam, I wish I was sad like you
But I am not sad
I am bored,
Like a writer that never learned to write
A painter without paints
A mermaid on land
I am bored like the zoo.

I am coming to you soon.
But I know you're not there.

Goodbye summer and everything that's as clear
I will miss you my dear.


-- Watercolour

Love is a burning cigarette
That makes ashes
Out of the pieces
Of me and
The pieces of you.


--Eleanor Rigby

We make up somewhere to belong
And graves to disappear in.

And right when we think we're free.
We become new born trees.


--Eleanor Rigby

Watery hands
Dripping from my own
Before the mirror.
Juggling with the unseen
Parts of me.

Portraits of the dearest ones
Long dead and gone
They're zooming out
I am zoning out.


--Eleanor Rigby

The outside is blue
And shaped like a bowl
Perhaps a tank
Perhaps the air I am breathing
Is water
I float in space
No, I swim

I am not a human being
I am a fish in a tank.


--Eleanor Rigby

You greatest Know It All
Why did you take she?

Why why why?

I am my flower's little one
The petals of she float
Reflect the silver lining
Of a lonely moon.

I am this flower's soft breeze
The petals of she shiver and shrink
Fly in the air
And go back to God

She goes back to God
And never to me.


-- Eleanor Rigby

What is your dream little one?
Said the mother to her son.

I dream that I dream that I dream
Of a light that will not beam.

What are your fears my dear?
Letting out a little tear.

I fear that the weather as warm
Will not melt the ice storm
I see in your eyes.


-Watercolour

You're sharp edges
And I am whole
No more.


--Watercolour

And maybe we're all unknown little Van Goghs
Self mutilating our hearts
In the name of love.


--Watercolour

He was not trying to die, my dear.
He was merely struggling to live.


--Watercolour

Hazel eyes on the bus
I looked for you,
You looked for me.


--Watercolour

There in the garden
I waited and waited
So patiently.

I waited for hours,
Days, almost a century.

There in the garden
I could have died
From longing.

Many a thing occurred
Before my sight.

Many died,
Many were born,
Some were reborn.

I waited for days
And the sun stood still.

It was only a minute.


--Watercolour

I have dreams that I once was
A free majestic albino peacock,
Jewellery trapped under a rock.
I have dreams that I never was.

I have dreams  that I once was
An old tree covered in snow,
Winds that took an eastern blow.
I have dreams that I never was.

I have dreams that I once was
A poor little drowning fish,
A silver ring left to tarnish.
I have dreams that I never was.

I have dreams that I once was
A lot of things and one thing,
But I never was anything.
I have dreams that I once was.


--Watercolour

Big loud words,
Never heard.


-Watercolour

I found us
And I killed us.

I shouldn't have.


-- Watercolour

Maybe these things happen all the time
And I haven't been seeing them


--Watercolour

between the breaths, the boredom, the blues, the *****
the smokes, the sacrifices, the smiles, the sadness, the snooze
the poems, the problems, the pros and the cons
the needles, the nobodies, the neurotics, the loose
the careless, the fearless, the dreamless, who knows
the tulip, the lilac, the jasmine, the rose
the suns, the moons, the earth, the birth
the nights, the fights, the lies arise
the loneliness
among the hate, the fate, the date delayed
the loneliness
along the tongue, a song, wrong, wrong
the loneliness
inside the heart, a part apart, from the start
the loneliness, the loneliness, the loneliness...

"and the crowd, so many people,
and the cries, the laughs, the whispers...
Too many mouths talking in my ear, my left ear
Is it the chaos of unphysical presences ?
But I touch them, I see them, I hear them...
And nobody is here" -- Myra


-- Watercolour

the dreams are ghosts
white ghosts
that fade with the day


-- Watercolour

Love me until God
Is made into a man.
Love me until the sea
Gives birth to a sun.


-- Watercolour

candy floss pillow
oh good old days


-- Watercolour

and it is in the very loss of hope
that lucidity comes


--Watercolour

like two birds
on a wire
if one flies away
the other is required

to fly away too...
to fly away too...


--Watercolour

and then the fleeting hours
go through the pains
and the tiny bits of happiness
on repeat

i'm glad they don't just leave


--Watercolour

all the same all the same
all the same all the same
they're all the same
my lover is the same


-Watercolour

there is something invisible
that lives inside us both.


-Watercolour

in 12 hours exactly
life will take a new turn

i hope it's finally
towards happiness


-- Watercolour

Us was here.


--Watercolour

i know you're tired
the world got me weary, too


-- Watercolour

if you are the christmas tree
i am ashes in his chimney

it's not the same, is it?


--Watercolour

twenty-fifth floor
double room with a view
on how far you're gone
silly birds
crashing into the window.

they can't get in
i can't get out.


--Watercolour

i promise you, i promise you
you'll soon forget.

i never was here.


-- Watercolour

My days are busy with pretending
To be normal,
But my evenings, my love,
They're filled with either liquor
Or wanting you
So much,
So much...


-- Eleanor

He says I care about you,
I love you but I can't be
In love with you right now.

What kind of excuse is that?

Just break me already.


-- Eleanor

I look up to a pale blue sky
With apologetic eyes
And a heart so very filled
With dim.
Take me back
To the empty box I was
Before I began feeding myself
Gin and jokes of grim.
God, please wash me off my sin,
Or take this foolish thick layer
Of skin.


-- Eleanor

It is in the very feeling of hurt
That I begin
To feel
Nothing.


-- Eleanor

First shot of *****
You are not here.
Second shot of *****
I forget about you.
Third shot of ******
I **** someone new.


-- Eleanor

my heartbeat dances
to the sound of his breathing;
short, fast, deep
soft, slow, heavy.

If you want to **** me,
just hold your breath.


-- Eleanor

We haven't talked in a while
that's right.
I wonder,
if  you ever think back
of those lazy hours
where silence felt at ease
and we laid in bed
where our bodies were entwined
yet our thoughts never rhymed.

I wonder,
if you ever wonder
if I wonder,

I wonder,
if you ever remember
that I remember,

I wonder,
if I'll ever see you again...

We haven't talked in a while
one day I am going to die
and you aren't going to be surprised...


-- Eleanor