this is not a poem
but my heart hurts so much
and I'm not sure what to do

you tell him you love him




he changes the topic

I am stuck in the illusionary world of lust
I don't know what love is
I'm scared I never will

for you
a thousand times over

Hello
I haven't been on here in a while
I guess it's because I've been feeling better than before
I feel myself growing stronger and becoming more independent every day
And it's truly a great feeling
I am happy with where I am right now
I am hoping it will only get better from here

you are my light
but I am my darkness
and without my darkness, I wouldn't have been able to see you
you are important but so am I
we are equal, we are one

They say vulnerability is power
They say that vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, and joy
So tell me please
Why do I feel so empty after I shower my affection to him?

I shove over my pride and call him to tell him I miss him
but he just looks at his phone and presses ignore

I tell him to call me when he gets home from a drunken night
And I wait and wait for that call until 4am
But he just goes straight to sleep, not even giving second thought about whether or not he should even text me

It's his birthday and I want to know how it's going so far
So I call him
And he just lets the phone ring

Do not let people tell you that vulnerability is power unless that person feels the same way you do about them
Because being vulnerable with the wrong person will destroy you mentally and emotionally

10 missed calls from me to him is what it took for me to realize that this whole thing was doomed from the start

I don't know how to stop waiting around for you.

I always had a picture in my head of what I wanted
Who I'm going to fall in love with
How they act
How they think
How they look
What I had in my head is not like you
Not like you at all
I still liked you though
I actually liked you a lot
Now that I think about it, I liked you more than I planned to
More than I wanted to
You were not what I was looking for
But you hit me like a tidal wave
I don't love you but still
You fill the empty gap in my heart
That you created
And then you leave again
You seemed like you weren't interested in me
It seemed like someone was occupying that space
So I left
And I don't regret it
But I miss your touch

When I first saw you
I thought you were so ****
I just wanted to kiss you
And have you kiss my neck
**** me
Make me scream and moan your name
That's it
But then I got to know you
And then I knew I was really ******
Because
I got greedy
I wanted you to love me

I hate you for what you did to me
But every time my phone vibrates
I still wish it's a text from you

how many times can I write about the same thing?
how many ******* times can I keep writing about you?

exactly 54 strangers around me
I counted
and you're still all I seem to think about

I have two word documents open
one about lack of youth voting in politics
and the other about Indigenous people and self government
I also have a Youtube tab open playing "Stay" by Rihanna

my mind is flustered
my heart hurts
I want to cry but I can't

I sit here and think about why you affect me the way you do
I'm almost 100% sure that you're doing just fine
yet here i am, emotionally distressed

your words **** me
but so does your silence
I feel like I can never win with you

I'm truly at a loss for words
because I have come to my senses
I have realized that we are completely two different people

how we talk is not the same
how we show affection is not the same
how we love is not the same

I want it to work so badly between us
but maybe that's the problem
that I want it so bad
and you don't want it eqaully

It *****
but it's the truth
and I'm just going to have to accept it and move on

I think in the end, nothing matters
Nothing else matters except who loves you and is there for you
You can have arguments and disagreements through out your whole life
But that doesn't take away from the fact that at the end of the day, that person wouldn't just drop everything and come to you if you were in danger

When you hear something happened to your loved one, time stops
Nothing else in the world matters to you except the well being of that person
And it's crazy right
How humans are so selfish yet selfless
Humans were designed to survive in any means possible, to eat, to sleep, to grow

But that goes out the window when someone you love is hurt
You don't eat, you don't sleep
You're like a zombie
You would do everything to be with that person

being with someone who isn't affectionate is emotional suicide

When i'm sad
I find something funny to laugh at it
When I laugh, I'm genuinely happy
I'm not faking it
I laugh for 6 seconds, sometimes even 16
But on that 6th second
I feel my feet on the ground
And all those despairing feelings come rushing back to me
Once again

I just want someone to rub my back and tell me it's going to be okay.

after he ****, he asks me what time my curfew is
I told him it doesn't matter

after he ****, he says he's tired
so I don't talk

after he ****, he doesn't look at me the way he did in the beginning
I turn around and look outside the window

after he **** he doesn't want to touch me anymore
I keep my hands to myself

after he ****, he wants to go home
but I want to lay on his chest

what do you do when he gets what he wants
and just leaves you hanging
he doesn't text you back or anything
he just takes a part of you and leaves with it
you feel empty
you want it back
a part of you wishes it never even happened

Sometimes he's not the one you are looking for,
but he is right there in front of you
It's not that he's incomparable but you have no one to compare him to
It's not that he makes you feel you're the only one on Earth but he's nice and once in a while, he gives you a compliment you think about all day and night
It's not that he's funny enough to do stand up comedy, yet he still makes you laugh with his corny jokes and stupidity
He's not the best looking guy out there but he makes you wonder whether looks even matter
It's not that he is your soulmate, but he's there when you need him

Slowly but surely, all these factors add up
and you start to fall for him

You find yourself falling in love with average

The colour black is known to be a sad, depressing colour
Why?
Black is comfort
Black is bold
Black is beautiful

Then again,

Black is the absence of colours
Black is the vacant space that is unresponsive
Perhaps, that is why most poets like the colour black
It reminds them of their inconspicuous selves
The type of absence they feel consistently in their selfless, vulnerable hearts
It reminds them of themselves because they always
Give
Give
Give
And never get the chance to receive

Right when you feel like you've got things figured out
Life twists and turns and
Leaves you in a rut

I thought I finally found someone that keeps me sane
I thought he was good for me, he doesn't take me on a roller coaster and doesn't let me go to sleep mad
I wanted this so bad and I finally thought I found it

But now I'm sitting here, crying my eyes out
Listening to sad love songs, wondering why I always **** everything up

I have an exam tomorrow but all I can think about is him
and it's ******* me up
I can't think straight

****
I can't even see straight

People can switch up on you real quick, blind-sighting you
Leaving you ****** up
So
Love yourself and always put yourself first

Because it's true that people are temporary
But so are your feelings
This will pass, but protect yourself baby
Know your worth
Know yourself

I'm ****** because I don't find passion in things like art, dancing, and singing.
I find passion in boys.

I drove myself crazy for you
I was crazy about you

How could you not see that?

I should have never let you ******* hold me
When you held me the way you did, I didn't know I wanted it to be held so badly

I should have never let you kiss me
because now that you're not here anymore
I always crave you
whether its 4 in the morning when I can't sleep
or 3pm when I'm with my friends

I should have never listened to you
when you told me about how you are so thankful for me
and that I'm a blessing in your life
because  ever since you left me
I can't stop thinking about what I did wrong
why wasn't I not enough for you?

when I'm at the peak of my happiest moment, I still think about you
******* I still think about you
and wish you were still apart of my life
every single day

I eat my dinner while I watch TV because I'm hungry
And then I keep eating for my sadness
I force myself to laugh because
**** him, I don't ******* need him to be happy

She goes to a party with her friends
She wants to have fun so she takes a couple of shots of *****
She's drunk and she knows it
But her mind is still somewhere else
Somewhere where she doesn't want it to be
So she takes another 5 shots

He's with his friends now
"Stop being such a *****, **** that *****! Forget her. I'll find you another *** tomorrow"
He does a little laugh to show agreement
Puff Puff Pass
His eyes are already red and glossy
He wants to call her and tell her he misses her, but **** that
Boys don't cry over girls
Puff Puff Pass
On to the next one

We all have different forms of distractions
Some use alcohol
Some use drugs
But at the end of the day
We'll do anything and everything to distract ourselves from missing someone

It's ironic how you kicked me when I was already down
Yet when I’m back up on my two feet,
All I want to do is run back to you
You see,
It's silly how I have hope in you finally accepting who I am
But I don’t know how to tell my heart that it's never going to happen
My mind knows better
But my physical body just can’t accept it

Everyone wants what they can’t have
And for me,
It's you
It's you
It's you
It will always be ******* you

If I had a choice
I'd still pick you
And I'd pick you again
And again
But you're no good for me
And I can't do that to myself anymore

don't tell me my favourite song
is your favourite song
because then
every time I listen to it
I won't think of how much I like the song
I'll think of you
and it won't be my favourite song anymore

I really just want you to tell me you miss me
I want you to tell me that you want me back
Even though you are the one who ****** up

And then I'm going to front like I don't want you anymore
When I do,
I want you to fight for me and tell me how sorry you are
And that we could work out if I just gave you one more chance
I'll give you that chance
Hell, I'll even give you 3 more after that
Because I want us to be something

I want you
I miss you
But I couldn't even get that in a drunk text

I am an Aries.
You are a Pisces.

I am represented by fire.
You are represented by water.

I should have known that you would dampen my spark.

I am always writing about heartbreak, loneliness, and sadness that some boy has dawned upon me.
But lately, I've been feeling like
I had broken my heart long before any boy had the chance to.

When I feel the loneliness peak from the crevices of my heart,
I can't seem to find an explanation as to why
Other than, I feel like utter **** and I can't blame anyone else.

I love myself.. at least I think I do.
I am confident in who I am.
Yet again, I chase the boys who I know will hurt me in the end and long for the ones that don't give me the time of day.
I cry for people that are not worth my tears and write about people who don't think twice about me.

Why do I keep hurting myself?
I keep breaking my own heart again and again.
At the end, all I have is me, myself, and I.
If I keep breaking my own heart, who will be there to tell me it's okay when I'm wrapped up in my blankets crying my eyes? (the kind of crying where you can't breathe and it's a constant battle of letting everything go and calming yourself down)

I need to love myself profoundly and fiercely before I let another boy in.
Because when he leaves, I can pick myself up because I know he is not worth it.
Because for once, I love MYSELF more than I love him.

when someone tells you that they want you,
you don't really feel anything
but when someone tells you that they don't want you anymore
you feel every ounce of it

you re read it over and over again
trying to figure out what you did or said wrong in the past 24 hours
you analyze all your moves from the start of the relationship
and when you find out that you didn't **** up
you just don't understand why
you don't understand what went wrong
that "don't" and "anymore" in that sentence weigh down on your heart
you can't stop thinking about it
you think,
"hey I'm okay, not worth my time anyway to be stressing over someone who is not stressing over me"
but that only helps for 5 minutes
and then you're back at it
trying to figure out what went wrong
and it's just a cycle
every **** hour
you're not okay
but oh you want to be
you want to be

Do not make homes out of human beings
They will leave you feeling homesick and sad
Not because you deserve to feel that way
But because they can

Do not make homes out of human beings
You will lose yourself trying to find them

Do not make homes out of human beings
Because building homes means comfort
Comfort of which you do not have control over

Do not make homes out of human beings
Because building homes in people means that there is space for emptiness and mistakes

So please darling,

Do not make homes out of human beings
Because it will collapse
Every
Single
Time

There is not a day that goes by where I don't think about you
I miss you all the time
But if I were to miss something more than you, it's myself
I miss myself

I lost myself somewhere in you
I didn't notice because it all happened so fast
I was enjoying the ride
Because what I felt for you was electric

However, with anything in life, everything must come to an end

Maybe I thought we had more time, that the end wasn't so near
Maybe I thought we were different, that we could show them that there doesn't have to be an end to something that's real...
Silly me, if it were to be real, then there would always be an awaiting deadline

Maybe I thought it was us against the world
But one thing I know for sure
When there are two lovers against the world,
The world will always wins

You are my greatest loss and my deepest wound

We rushed into it a little too quick
We felt things we weren't supposed so
or at least I did

But it all happened so quick
I don't even know what to make of it
What were we?

One of us felt a little more than the other
and it was cursed from then on

I wake up in the morning
Eating my favourite cereal and watching my favourite TV show
You're still in the back of my mind

I get in the shower
The warm water on my cold body feels so good
I close my eyes and let the water drizzle on my face
You're still in the back of my mind

Need to write my essay
Need to write my essay
Need to write my essay
I am stressing over school work
And thinking about a captivating way to start my essay
But you're still in the back of my mind

I'm with friends at a party
Finally a break from school and stress
Having a great time
Eating food, taking a couple of shots of *****
Laughing my little *** off
You're still in the back of my mind

Where ever I am
Whatever I do
No matter how busy I am
I'm always ******* thinking about you
And truthfully
I hate it
I don't want to think about you
Thoughts of you make me so sad
I miss you
But you're no good for me
And we cannot be

I think
I get so scared of people leaving me
so I **** everything up before something even becomes of it
I get defensive
or
I get vulnerable
and I scare them off

I think
I wasn't built out for a relationship
because I am confident and I do love myself
but
somehow I can't keep any potential great relationship going

I think
no one can love me the way I want them to
or
the way I would love them
because they don't understand me
they don't absorb how my mind and spirits play, sometimes together
they don't realize how far my thoughts can go

I think
at the end of the day
we all just want someone to be obbessed with us as we are with them

I cannot wait for the day
when I come across a picture of you..
when I hear your name..
when I think about you..
and
feel absolutely nothing

when you left me
I felt lost
I drove myself crazy
I called you 27 times consecutively knowing that each time you were going to send me to voicemail
I had to move on by myself
with no closure at all
It hurt every single day
there was not a night that would go by that I wouldn't think about you and just cry
for a very long time, it was that way
then I finally found a light
I wasn't sad anymore
at least not over you

but now you're back
pleading
saying sorry
"sorry I made you fall with no intention of catching you.."
but what am I suppose to say?
It's okay?
Because it is not okay
you made me sad for a very long time

I did think about you from time to time
but those days are over
now it's your turn

It's your turn to cry

i love you
no you ******* don't
yes i do what the ****
why the **** do you fight me all the time then
because i love you you ******* *******. why the **** did i marry you? you stay at home and do nothing, living off my wealth. this is my house. this is my car. don't ******* touch it. you brainwashed our kids to make me seem like the bad guy
shut the **** up, you did that to yourself. i ******* go to work and do all the **** in the house. all the ******* talk is about your ******* money. i dont want your ******* money. keep your money. i just want to be happy.
where the ******* going to go? to your other man?
******* i don't do that **** like you do, you cheater.
shut the **** up and act like a woman before i hit you.
what the ******* going to do? hit me. hit me. hit me.

I'm sorry baby please, it was the drinks in me talking
leave me alone
***** get the **** up, you don't do **** for me