There are some things that words cannot express
Sometimes, nor can silence
You feel like nobody will get you because they're not you
And you couldn't be more correct
At the end of the day,
Even if someone has been through what you're going through,
It doesn't help
Because you are the one that's feeling it
And it ***** so much
Because you literally cannot do anything but feel it
Of course you can do things to get your mind off of it
But that's all temporary
In the long run, you'll realize that there will always be this feeling of emptiness
As sad as it is, it's true
This type of emptiness is different because it cannot be filled by love, money, or fame
It can be distracted with those things
But it will not go away completely
I think at the end of the day, even the happiest people know this type of emptiness
And there's nothing you can really do about it because it comes with being human
So to be alive, is to feel
Feel everything as it comes
And let everything go when it is time to go

We could have been smart with the plot from the start
Mistakes from the spark..
We knew it wasn't love

If he says he's not sure, take that personal with every being
He is not sure about you, he doesn't want to choose you
The only reason he is not letting you go is because he is selfish

You are the stars around the moon
You will sparkle from a long distance away
Your presence is always so peaceful and endearing
It makes a difference with and without you

Just because he is not ready for you
It does not mean you stop shining
It does not mean the whole world won't stop staring at you in awee
It does not mean you aren't the most beautiful thing

You are hurting
But extraordinary things heal
By themselves or with the help of others, they heal regardless
Do not worry, you will heal and
See the light

You are Extraordinary
Confident
Strong
Outspoken
Beautiful

Just everything you need to be.
Everything you need to be for yourself.

No matter how bad we want it to work
Some things just won't work
We are two different people
You can't fit a square in a triangle
Some things don't fit well together
You can't try to force something that is simply not there

Maybe the way we started made it cursed from the start
It should have not only been physical
Because when we both tried to get emotions involved
Both of our energies collided and went awry

But we both wanted each other
We couldn't stay away from each other
We tried to leave
But we always came running back to each other

We knew what he had wasn't healthy
So we finally parted for good

But I still want you

But only the lucky ones fall asleep before midnight
All the others are up at 3am
Cold
Empty
Sad
Missing someone who doesn't think twice about them

to feel everything so raw and intense
is both a blessing
and a curse

It wasn't love
But it was enough to make my hairs to stand up on my back
It was enough to change my sleep patterns
It was enough to make me eat more, eat less, and sometimes not even eat at all

It wasn't love
But it was enough to cry myself to sleep
It was enough for me to beg and beg for you to come back

People may say that I'm being desperate but I lov- ...no wait
I don't love you
I am very vulnerable
It wasn't love
My mother loves me and I never feel this way

It was a type of lust that was unrequited
It wasn't love
But it was something that ironically made me feel alive and dead simultaneously

It took me to while to realize that
This too
Is poetry
How I feel is poetry
How I move is poetry
How I breathe is poetry

Everything is poetry

when everything is amazing in the beginning
when you get giddy fast
when it feels too good to be true
that's when you **run

you were my whole ******* ocean
but you only loved me in waves

Your words are so beautiful
It's like I know you're lying
But I almost still believe you

Early last night I took sleeping pills
Not because I couldn't sleep
But I didn't want to be up all night thinking about you
It was Christmas Eve and I wanted to be okay if I couldn't be happy
Thoughts of you make me sad

Even with the dizziness that sleeping pills brought,
my drowsy body, and my mental delay
I woke up in the middle of the night
because I thought I heard my phone vibrate
I thought you texted me
But I was wrong

Early last night I took sleeping pills
Not because I couldn't sleep
But because I didn't want to be up all night thinking about you

i hate you for what you done to me
i don't want to be fully in it with anybody anymore
it's not that i don't trust them
but i'm so tired
i'm so tired of everything
the dishonesty, the false promises, the disappearance

my head spins when i think about you
my heart hurts when i think about how i'll never be with you again
i lose my breath when i miss you
and i can't                                                 breathe
right                      now

but you don't deserve my patience
you don't deserve my care
you don't deserve my loyalty
you don't deserve me

after 10 months, I saw you today
I swear when I heard your name, my heart fell into my stomach
and then when I saw you, my stomach was in knots, like how you feel when you're falling in love
you are so beautiful and charming
when I saw you the second time today, you were smiling at me
and I swear to god my knees were weak
I felt like I was falling in love with you all over again

and then reality came crashing down in a split second
I got really sad all of a sudden because I knew
I knew I knew you aren't mine and you'll never be
you are wearing the shirt that your girlfriend got you
you are happy now

we ended off badly but in that moment, everything was perfect
maybe I got too excited over nothing
and that smile didn't mean anything
but the choice of choosing to smile and ignoring me, you chose to smile at me
and even if it meant nothing, thank you
I've missed you and I always will
apart of me will always be waiting for you

all those months of trying to get over you..
I thought I was completely over you
but then
you just came out of nowhere
and suddenly I feel like I'm at square one
again

No matter how many times you go through it, it doesn't get easier.
It hurts the same each and every time

Today I had a talk with someone that made me question my perspective on love.
What is love to you?
I asked a close friend and she said love is to be able to never get tired of a person and to appreciate their flaws. Love is to want to compromise.
Then I asked her, even if they cheated on you?
And she said no.

As I had this certain talk with someone that made me question love, he started off by saying that in the bible, it is written that one should not marry someone who doesn't believe in the God of Abraham.
Now what does that mean?
He told me that in modern day, it means you should not marry a person who is not a Catholic.
But why would God say that right?
God loves you unconditionally. When I say unconditional, i mean God will love you no matter what, even if you commit ****** or any other sin.
So he told me, "So 'believing in the God of Abraham' actually means understanding and believing in the idea of unconditional love.

"Unconditional love is required to keep two people happy together. The bible says you cannot be together forever with someone who doesn't believe in unconditional love."

Here's an example that this certain someone told me about.

If you believe in conditional love and marry someone who doesn't believe in unconditional love, he will not understand where you are coming from. If you cheat on him, and ask him to take you back, he won't because he doesn't understand the idea of unconditional love.
Rather, he'd be angry that you even have nerve to cheat on him and ask for his forgiveness. He would think that you're crazy and selfish to expect him to forgive you.
"Why? Because in his world, there is no unconditional love. He doesn't understand it.
Why? Because he doesn't know an example of unconditional love (God of Abraham)
It's only logic."

I asked him if he believes in unconditional love and he said "I believe that there is no other love than unconditional love."

And that makes me question the concept of love.

If I think about it, I'll love my family no matter what happens, even if they betray me.
If i can't love my life long partner in the same way I love my family, then that is not love.

I don't think I can tell anyone other than my family that I love them because unconditional love is the only kind of love.
If someone cheated on me, I don't think I will be able to forgive them and take them back unless I love them unconditionally.

He told me another scenario.

Where your spouse cheats on you and you take him back because you love him unconditionally. He says he loves you but doesn't understand what unconditional love is.
"Now overtime you look into his eyes and say that you love him, he'll smile or something like that but that idiot won't understand the gravity of what you are saying. He'll only think that you love him like this limited definition of love. It's like there is a glass wall between you and him. He can see you but can't hear you. But he is okay with it because he doesn't know that the glass wall can be taken out of the way. But you know better. Can you imagine how frustrating it'll be?"

"You - I love you
Him - I love you, too
You - No! Not like that, I love you unconditionally
Him - Yes, I love you too
You - No no.. UNCONDITIONALLY
Him - Huh?
You - :("

So then I proceeded to ask him,
"What do you do from there?"

And he said,
"Take a deep breath and continue loving unconditionally."

At last, he said to me, "Good luck loving someone after this."
I laughed.
Because he was right.
Now I have a total different definition of love.

Unconditional love is a sacrifice, a beautiful sacrifice.
And I'm not sure if I'm capable of making that sacrifice.

You always think you're prepared for a situation
You think
"Ok yes, he's going to find another girl
And I'm going to be okay with it
Because that's life
Hey, I don't even like him that much
He ain't ****
What does bring to me that I can't give myself?
Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
He ain't ****
I don't even want him anymore"

But then he actually does find another girl
He starts to talk to her daily like he used to do with you
He starts to flirt with her,
Call her during the nighttime
Ask her to hang out

And you would think you were prepared for this
Until it actually happens
And all your feelings come back
It feels like someone just ripped your heart out of your chest
and everything hurts
It hurts
It hurts
and you realize you weren't really prepared for this

he gave me $5000
and said
Don't worry about whether I talk to you enough or not
I care about you
It's all in my heart

But I felt nothing

you are the one that I love
and I'm saying goodbye

I think the most ****** up part is that
I don't even think what you did was terrible
I mean yeah it's terrible that you hooked up with another girl when you made it seem like you liked me
But maybe it was just a hook up
And maybe you look at me more than that

But that's the most ****** up part
That I'm okay with the fact that you hooked up
As long as the girl didn't mean anything

BUT IT SHOULDN'T ******* BE THIS WAY
I DESERVE SO MUCH MORE
THAN THIS
THAN YOU
I ******* HATE MYSELF FOR EVEN HAVING A LITTLE HOPE IN YOU
EVEN RIGHT NOW
AS I TYPE THIS
UGH
I HATE YOU SO MUCH

look at the stars
look how they shine for you

Yesterday you left me
But ironically I felt nothing

I never wanted to betray you, I wanted to support you in everything that you did
But at that moment, I felt as if you made a mistake I couldn't account for

For the first time in a long time
I felt like it was your loss, rather than mine