It's in the way she moves her hips
It's in the way her lips touch
It's in the way she bites her lower lip,
Oh how my world turns inside out when she does that
It's the way she says my name
In the way she whispers it, "Lefa... "
Sends shivers all over my body, goosebumps all over again

Problem is, she is taken. Unavailable

It's in the way she looks at me
All the whole new universe inside those eyes I could just get lost in
It's in the way she smiles at me
Just can't help but shy away

It's in the way she wakes all the once buried feelings,
Back from the dead with no regard whatsoever what people might say
It's in the way she makes everything around just lose sense

I know its been years but I can still feel her touch,
Soft, warm feeling

One look at her and I find myslef in high school all over again
Can still remember the very first time I laid eyes on her
Priceless, all words needed to describe her
Short stature
German-cut hairstyle
Gold earrings
Furnished with a smile
Grasshopper shoes
Short grey skirt
One hand in the pocket
Complete with the swing of her small waist when she moves
Still takes my breath away

There is still one problem, she's a taken woman

Maybe I waited a little too long
Maybe it wasn't the right time then
Is it right now?
Maybe I need a hard slap to put some sense back into me
Because right now, I'm deeply in love with a married woman
The worst problem is, I think she's in love with me too..

I met a girl when she picked me up while  I was hitch hiking back from the health food store.

Her name is, well, I’ll call her “Mirror”. She was seventeen, with three different colors in her hair,and she was driving this great big mafioso looking thing down an old country road.

AND she picked me, a hitch hiker, up. like it was it was no big thing to her.

My first response after the normal howdy do’s, was;” Okay, first off, we are on this desolate back road, in the middle of BFE ,and corn fields forever. How do you know that I am not going to pull out a gun or a knife and slit your throat, or blow you away for your ride, or WORSE?”

She snickered and said,”Cause’ I can tell .”You aren’t that kind of person!”

My responsewas ,”How can you even  pretend to know THAT?”

She comes back with; “I can just tell”!

“Anyway, aren’t you glad I picked you up?’

“Of course!” I said, “but you need to be more careful!”

She dropped me at my house, and that was that.

I was left with hoards of memories sweeping my mind. Memories of myself at her age, along with her responses to my concern, and her total disposition, I knew I was staring into a mirror of my past!

I would, for sure, be seeing her again!

It was approx. two weeks later that I saw her, in a little mustang, as I was walking my dog on that same old road.

She pulled of as she turned the stereo down, I think it was blasting some new girl band, “Hey girlfriend” she says with this sweet little sideways glance, as if she’d known me for a lifetime, “whatcha up to?”

Having done the small talk thing, we decided ot hang out.
So she came over to the house, we talked.
As I got to know her situation a bit better, I knew.
... I was looking into the mirror of my past once more.
I had been placed into her life for a very special mission.

I also knew in my heart that, according to what she was telling me, she was headed for the same path of disaster and destruction, I had, not so long ago, put my own self  through.
It had all started at her exact age. but I did not, at this point know what to do about helping her.
...But it would come! ...yes, it would!

I found out, a little more than a year later, i could not have done anything to stop it from happening, when I met her. ...In her beginning...
It was during the “aftermath” or the “beginning of the end”, where I would be called back into her life to “play my part” so to speak.
So...
It was about a month ago, I just happened to be browsing through a thrift store, in Spruce Pine, with my neighbor. As I stood there, looking at an old quilt I wanted, but could not afford, I heard that  soft, sweet, little voice call me by my name.

”Romy?’ “Is that yooouuuu?!”
“*** I can’t believe it!”,
.....and so on and so forth.

My sweet friend from the road by my house, was there, was handing out Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Mind you, I knew what this meant...
...She’d gotten herself into some kind of trouble.
And now, she was doing community service for it.

Sure enough she had.

I gave her my  telephone number, and that was that.

It was about three days ago when I got a phone call.
It was her.
She asked if she could come by to see me that afternoon, after school.
She needed to talk.
She actually did come on by.

Here we are some years later. I am scared.
Not for myself , physically, but something told me my time was up.
The gig was up.
The angels had finally found a way.
For me.
For her.

Now.
I need to back up to two years ago, so that you can get a real sense
of what is really going on here…..

After our first meeting, after she came back by my trailer,  in the cow pasture, the first time,
She hung with me the whole summer, and then into fall.
I got to know her parents very well.
I n their eyes I'd become a big sister/baby sitter for her.
She thought of it as just hanging out.
...a place away from her Dad, but close to her home.
She had never been with a boy, she explained,
but she'd made an attempt at a relationship with a girl at school, which turned out disastrous.
It even landed here in trouble at school, with the cops, and with the DSS, here in Yancey County.
(a place no one would ever want to land!)

Her mom was going through chemo and radiation, and so was I.
I was uncanny.
I had at least SOMETZHING, one thing, in common with almost every member of her family.
I became part of her family!

I knew from my own life and my experiences,  
she was dabbling in some kind of drug activity.
I just did not know what at first.

Made myself a promise.
I would find out what was really going on with t his girl.

Once I got her to open up to me.
I discovered she was stealing her dad’s 40mg Oxycontin and his 1mg klonapin out of his locked box.
This only AFTER he'd been giving them to her when she turned fourteen.
She was not only snorting them, but she was selling them as well!

I also did some digging, and found, she was getting in with some pretty savory characters.
Of course it wan't long, before she met this guy...
He was handsome, manipulative, and cunning.
But most of all, he had a raging monkey, the size of Detroit, on his back!

Only I could see him for the ****** ******* he really was.
I tried many tricks to expose him.
Her partents were blinded by his enamering.
His story was easy:
..he had been in the military, only to come home to a trailer trash wife, on drugs, of course, who had neglected their four year old child.
He'd come home just in time to play the knight in all his armour....!
I KNEW better!

But when I tried to warn her parents
they would hear nothing of it!
They refused to see in him
the evil that i could....

So when she started seeing him, I went to her parents with my premonitions.
They told me I was over  reacting.
And that i had become attached to their daughter, that I should just stay away for a while.
Her mom’s exact words were:
”I mean really, Romy...
" He is a MARINE for goodness sakes... !"
"... and the only reason he is home right now, is to save that yungin' from his drug addicted mother!”

UGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I had to let go....

Only years later, it would come out,
To her parents and everyone.
...He was a **** and dilaudid ******.
His mother was one, as well.
They used the little boy for food and money,
as well as their own selfish adgenda of feeding
that monkey from Detroit,
and the disease he brought with him.
They conned everyone from welfare, to  churches, to the department of Social Services.

I remember a conversation a had with her mom, while trying to get her to realize what he really was.
It went like this:
mom: “How could you even say such things about him!”
I never said another word.
Only
In my mind I was screaming;
"Because I know this *******!
He is addicted to drugs!  
He told me so, in the beginning!
He bragged to me about how he’d been doing dilaudid with his MOTHER for years.
And, all  of us junkies know, the only way to do dilaudid, is to shoot it up in your veins!

"*******!”"
I said to myself.

"PLUS, I even know his  other name."
"THE NAME is Daniel!"

"I know him well!"
"I ruined most of my young life trying to win his love."
"Only I did not know then what  I was up against...."
"This addiction was more powerful than another woman, or anything else, for that matter!"

"There IS no match
  for it!"

...I was screaming this all to myself.
...I knew then.
I was talking about my own life experience.
The years I spen, hurting myself, all the while attempting to impress my first, and truest love of my entire life.
He almost proved to be the ruin of me!
...The man on whom I waisted more than half of my life!
He, who became the beginning of my end!
He was the beginning of a lifetime of  ****** addiction, tears, disappointments, lies, and horror!

As I saw it, he and this ******* were one in the same.

More importantly, I also knew, in my heart of hearts, he would be the beginning of  HER end.
He would prove to be the beginning of her  horror.
I also knew, if she were to end up staying with this nobody *******, for any length of time, she would, inevitebly begin sticking needles in her arms.
My bet would be she'd start within one year.

Sadly,  I was correct.
she was,
and had been,
sticking needles in her arm.

The way I found out went down like this:
(and thus my reason for writing this)

She phoned me, upset, and crying.
Don't ask me how, but I knew she was dope sick.
...Perhaps it was the quiver in her voice.
The desperation.
A feeling I knew all too well.

I told her to come over.
She did.
I'll never forget.
She was working at Mc Donald's, to pay her way through cosmetolegy school.
So she still had that Mc Donald's uniform on. (The one, I knew, she loathed with every part of her being!)
And bless her heart...
...She brought me a pie.

I told her she looked like ****.
Then I asked her to explain why she'd gone so long without having any contact with me.
(although I knew the answers to each of my questions, I asked them anyway.)

I gave her motherly/sisterly hugs, while attemting to make her feel loved.
(something she had not experienced often, at least, not without a price!)

I needed her to know, that no matter what she had to offer , for the time I hadn't heard from her, I would love her, and I would help her, and I would hold her, until she needed me to let go.

So.
It was after hugs, love, some understanding eye contact, I made the promise of understanding. She had to know, that  no matter what she might reveal, I would ALWAYS be in her corner. I would always be hers. I would be whatever she needed me to be.
..As long as I was helping her towards her self understanding,  towards love, and  towards happiness.

It was a few seconds after our long embrace and our moment of connection and understanding, when she took me into the bathroom.
She uttered these words, nervously, and with shame;
”Romy, Do you really want to know how bad I've gotten, how far I have now fallen?”
...Or perhaps her words were, in actuallity, more like "Romy, look at how bad this has gotten."
I am not sure which of the two is more correct, but I got the message loud and clear, and my heart broke.
Litererally, it broke into a million pieces.
My heart broke for her, but it also broke for the girl I once was, before my own demons came to visit.

I knew then, from the depths of my being,
how the scene would play out...
I knew the ending,
before it ever began.

In a moment I will share with you, the dialog that went on between us on that cold, cloudy, winter afternoon in Nowheresville, NC.
This is one conversation I shall, forever, remember until I take my final breath.
It will remain with me through lifetimes to come.
...It has become a part of me.

ME: ”So. have you learned how to do yourself?”
“Or is that why you are here?”
"If it  is the later, you've come to the wrong place."

She started to cry.

"I know how to hit myslef", she said.
H uge tears runnig down her face.
"You warned me, Romy." "And I didn't listen."
"How DID you know, anyway?"

I could not hold back the tears.  
They poured straight from the depths of my being.
Again, he I stood, once again, in front this georgous girl, who was destroying herself!
Again, all I could see was myself in the mirror!

I have yet to felt such a sadness within me, as the one I felt at that moment.

As she rolled up her sleeve, there it was...
a site too familiar..
Uncanny, it was.
How could this girl be the SAME?
Seriously!
...The same arm.
...The same hole.
...The same sore.
...The same color.
..The same sad and bewidered expresion.
It said. No, it screamed;
"Help me please! I'm so ******* gone!"
"Help me please!"
" You're all I've got!"

I wanted to turn and run a fast and far as I could get.
Heer she stood in front of me
Here she stood.
The exact ******* same as me.
I couldn't move.
I couldn't think.
I wanted to puke.
She
was
MEEEE!

The silence was broken by her voice, and by her expression.
She obviously saw my transition from a strong woman who cared so much,
into a womean who had turned white as a ghost.
Then she asked;
” How did you know, Romy?”
“How ever COULD you have known?”

I did not.
I could not.
Begin to answer her then.

But I thought to myself;
"How could I not?"

I left that tiny bathroom not knowing WHAT to do, or what to say.
I, for once,was at a loss.
For the first time in my life,
the words  would just not come!

I couldn't speak my usual words of incourgment.

Until she came to me, and gave me a hug.

...she has just left my house.
My heart is heavy.
She'd  come to me today, for reasons,
she herself,
could never have understood.

I went into my bedroom, whee she sat.
I asked her what she'd been up to that made her decide to call me.
She said she did not know.
She'd been out driving after work,
and so she'd just ended up calling.
Now she was at my place.

I shared with her the importance of truthfulness.
With oneself even more than with others.

Then I shared with her my story, and my reasons for caring so very much for  her well being.

I told her about the mirror I saw between us from the beginning.
..of my battle with herion addiction.
But I told her  also of the stubborn dream I'd carried with me for eighteen years because of a guy, just like hers.
I answered all of her questions.
I completed her sentences.
She completed some of mine.
I felt her heart breaking.
And I helped her to let go.

She was so shocked at what I shared with her, about myself,
and about my own life,
that it  literally brought her back to her self. I had somehow, reached her inner being.
She was able to return to her own reality, away from the deceit.
And away from the web of lies which had been woven around her.

I feel good!
I feel like she will be alright.

May hope is, through me, she was able to see how easily we can fall into someone else's need and addiction. How we make it our own by allowing someone elses demons drag us down, down into oblivion, and how their misery can, so easily, consume us. Then take over our very life!
IF we let it!

....I held her for a long time.
We cried together.
I cried for her.

I also cried for me.

I cried for the girl that I once was.

...Before Daniel.
                              ...Before Manhattan.
                                                      ­                                                
                                                                ­       ...Before the misery.

She cried her own tears for herself,
her kind heart,
and for what would never be.
She cried, grateful tears, knowing now she will no tso easily loss her way,
she knows the angels now. She can feel them guide her every day.
She is not alone.

I will forever be there for her.
wherever she may be.
...we are connected now.
...Little Miss Kim and me!

Her spirit is strong.
She will succeed.
She recieved what she needed most.
... A friend
... A kindred spirit.
...and  a bit of wisdom from little old
me.
Oh, and now I know why my Blackie walked me down the old country road.....
My sister, Kimberly, needed me!

i swear tis dreadful my dear
to face ones greatest fear
to have nought and none to hold near
to lose control and let life's wheel steer,
i'll cry out, i swear, in dismay
if for one more fretful day
i hear not the words you say
yet doubt not my intent to stay,
only for your sweet words of peace
that so oft give my soul release
will make these worries cease
and take these fears from me,
they still tell me my dreams are untrue
that my smiles do not come from you
but if, only if, they knew
my desires they would not misconstrue,
so as this day comes to end
my mind to my heart i will send
and i'll see your face my friend
until waking from slumber once again.

with that distant look again overcoming my ability to conceal
all of the things that i try to pretend aren't really real,
trying to find the hope that i once help so close and dear
but i wake up to find myself alone with you no longer here.
i fall to my knees hollow and empty in both arms and soul
smiles have digressed to the bitter glares of old,
i try to capture the tears before they fall from my eyes
so that you cannot see all that i would hide and deny.
i have lost the will that once drove me to strive for more
and this failure has left me in a drunken heap upon the floor,
for that is the only warmth that makes its way into my core
and the fears go away so quickly when i can't remember anymore.
and one more drink i am sure could not hurt at all
until i stumble around lose my feet and start to fall,
i find myself without the strength or will to rise up once again
so i close my eyes and wait for the room's spinning to end.
and in this state i realize that i have not had a drink all night
but the alcohol content of life sometimes is too much to fight,
i am but a lightweight next to the thousand proof bottle of reality
and once again i have drank too much and it has overcome me.

you stand there wide eyed overcome by disbelief
that you find yourself in these situations once again
after your turmoils you will breathe a sigh of relief
and the birth of realization will start to slowly begin

i reach out for something you cannot grasp, believe in something you cannot understand, and long for something you do know know how to feel. it is beyond you. if only i would have known this sooner, i would not have wasted so much time trying to explain it to you.

i count the sleepless nights like some count sheep
it's because of these broken promises that i can't sleep,
this misinterpreted flawed logic that you want to keep
in hopes that eventually into my brain it will seep.

there are some that i gave all to that deserved nothing, when the one that i should have given my everything to is the only one that has really mattered all along. and now she is only in happy memories. the rest of you do not even come close to everything that she is...and i'm tired of trying to find someone who does. she has weighted my scales heavily against all of you, set the standard so high that none of you will ever to be able to tip the scales in your favor, but my soul will never be at rest until i find someone who can.

when you put as much energy into something as you possibly can...you will be selective about where you should direct that energy. and sometimes you find that all of your energy was spent running down a dead-end alley. so you simply walk back to the road and remember to never deviate on that path ever again.

if you feel that you must love, then love with heart, soul, mind, and strength...without all of these your love is incomplete...and destined to fail.

to forget is to lose regret or to misinterpret the goals we set. to gain is to maintain without the possibility of losing it again. to remember is pointless once it is done.

that which you lack none can give you but yourself. there are none that can make you complete or make you feel whole, that is your task. it is not until you have mastered your own mind that you should search for someone to compliment the person that you have become.

your mind is your greatest tool, your thoughts your greatest weapon, your words are everyone else's greatest enemy, and unfortunately being closed minded is your best defense.

vague predictions are rarely untrue. but to see what happens exactly how it happens before it actually happens is a gift and a curse. it gives insight and knowledge beyond the realms of the senses, but if one would share such things with others they would be considered mad.

it is almost surprising how people are so kind and open to people they do not even know. a simple smile, meaningless conversation, or common courtesy shared with a being that has nothing in common with you except that you are both in a state of being referred to as life and are in the same place at the same time. it shows that people really are good at heart. but when you get close to some people they are corrupted by their own emotions, confused by the situation, or scared of what may come. it is not that these people are bad people or bad friends, they have just not yet come to terms with the fact that people can mean well and not expect anything in return. that people can care about them without any logic or reason behind it. when if they would only open their eyes they would see that there are people who would like to do nothing more than celebrate their oddities, their peculiarities, and their differences. the things that make them unique, the things that they would try to hide. there is good in everyone, some just hide it better than others.

in a conversation a friend told me that you can't just drop people out of your life, you can't just burn bridges, and you can't leave people behind so that you can become something greater. and we argued about this for a short while. but by the end of the conversation, after i had explained all of the circumstances and everything else was taken into account, this person looked me in the eyes and assured me that there was nothing else that i could possibly do. the sad thing was...i really didn't believe anything that i was saying, i was just saying it to make me feel better about what i was going to do. are people so eager to agree and fit in that their morals are thrown to the side? i wish i could say no.

i am not telling anyone the secrets of the universe. i am not some great thinker that tells people things that they would have never thought of. i just pay attention and make observations about the things that happen around me on a daily basis. i am not doing anything that most of you could not do. i'm just bored enough and have enough time to actually do it.

when the morning comes and this bliss ends none of the trivial problems that i worry myself with will be gone, the worries that burden my heart will still lay heavy on my being, and there will still be no way for me to do what i wish i could do. but if i can escape it for a few more hours, if i can keep it off of my mind for just a few seconds, then i will feel like i have accomplished something.

i have proven my abilities once again. and they wanted to know how i did what i did so easily, when they knew that they could not do the same even if they knew what i did. but it's really simple, you just have to look straight through people, past all of their fronts and all of the things that they want you to believe, straight through their eyes and into their soul. the body is just a shell to carry around the soul that is within it. once you learn to see through that shell and into the depths of a person's very being, then you will understand how i can do the things that i do.

my body betrays me. when people see me all they see is the shell. this big intimidating guy that seems to stand behind a clear wall of stone, untouchable. but if you only knew what is beyond the surface then you would see why this has all become so difficult for me.

it is better to say nothing when you mean everything than to say everything when you mean nothing.

is a person considered a success or a failure when they can have anything that anyone else in the world could ever want, but they cannot find the only thing that means more than the world to them?

if i could only open your eyes. enlighten your soul. so that you could see the things that i see. feel the things that i feel. then you would see that i am not the one whose thoughts are off target. but truth cannot be taught or learned. it can only be known by those that have found it on their own.

what i have done was no easy feat. it has troubled me greatly but i know that it was the right thing to do. not for myself, but for all concerned. and i now have happiness back in my grasp. i just have to tighten my clinch and pull it closer to my heart. because a person can cry until they drown in their own tears and no one will ever notice, and it will not make them feel better nor will it fix any of the problems. but once they take control of a situation and dispose of the cause of it then the changes themselves will make a world of difference.

i would say i love you more often, but it is often mistaken as a passinng sentiment. because most people do not truly understand what love is. but just as it would make no sense to give a painting to a blind person, or to play a song to those who could not hear it; it is just as senseless to give love to those who do not know how to feel it.

i almost feel as if i should apologize at my inability to show mercy to the ignorant, but i cannot convince myself that they deserve even that much.

sometimes i wonder what it is like to be one of those people that life just leaves behind. the ones that can't keep up. the ones that have gone as far as their potential can carry them. the ones that no amount of power or influence can push them any further. and then i smile, because i know that i will only ever wonder about this.

only fools declare that beauty is only skin deep. because beauty never truly begins until you get past the surface. to the very depths of a person's being. but it is kind of hypocritical for me to say this, because my standards are so high that they get mistaken for me being shallow all the time.

was it hope or the cause that was lost?

the world will never be short of actresses. pulling you into the story, stirring your emotions with their always interesting dialog, and making it so interesting that you can't look away for a single moment. and then one day you wake up and realize that it is not a play at all, it is your life.

i pray that one day that i find the one person that makes everything that's happened so far worth while. i pray that one day i will find love. that one day i will find the one that deserves everything that i want to give someone. one day...very far away. because right now i do not even want to entertain the idea. i'm so sick of love. sick of seeing it. sick of believing in it. sick of it evading me on every corner. so at this point in my life i would just like to say "******* love", i'm better off without you anyways.

all of our fates are the same. death is inevitable. but is a great person one that ignores their fate and enjoys life for what it is, or one that lives day by day evading their fate for as long as possible?

there are questions that we all have in life. and sometimes the answers that we find to those questions do not give us the results that we expected. but i would like to say that the answers that we find are never incorrect, but some of the questions that we try to answer are trick questions and should be thrown out.

never accept what anyone else declares as reality. the only person that you can truly trust in this world is yourself. people try to make this world into something that makes them happy. and as much as this may seem absurd, you should try it for yourself. happiness is nothing but a perception of circumstances. so either change your circumstances or change your perception and you will be the happiest person in the world.

the person that i thought i cared about the most. the one that i could have given the world to. the one that i thought i meant something to. the one that i thought could do no wrong. what foolish thoughts i think. and then i did something that hurt me more than i thought it would, but it hurt less that to keep the foolish thoughts going. to pretend that i didn't feel something that i did. sometimes the best thing you can do for someone is what they really want you to do, so you let them go. and in doing so i lost a dear friend, someone that i did not realize i would miss so much. but i know that i cannot and should not try to undo it now. because some people you just can't help but fall for. and there is nothing you can do for someone that does not want your help.

i am nothing. yet, i am everything. you mean nothing, yet you mean everything. hope is nothing, yet it is all that we have. love is nothing, yet it is all that we look for. it is the things that are intangible that mean the most, yet from the outside they seem so insignificant. so meaningless.

am i nothing but a beast? my soul longs to break free but my mind restrains it. i long for freedom yet my body restrains me. lacking these restraints i truly would be nothing but a beast. but sometimes i think that the beasts are better off than i, because they follow what they know they have to do without any kind of thought or restraint.

if i had the opportunity to apologize a million times i don't think i could bring myself to do it. even knowing that you deserve it. because i have deceived myslef into thinking that i was right. and i know no other way to escape what i know is sure to come when this catches up to me.

some things you do not realize until just before death. you don't realize how much everyone that is close to you means. how much everything you think is important isn't worth anything. that the only things that really matter are what you believe, the people you love, and happiness. so, if i can realize that much now, before death pays me too much attention, then i think that my life could be the way it was meant to be instead of what it has become.

she is everything that no one can understand. could i really be the only one? the only one that sees everything that she is, the beautiful person that she is. people are sick. they call something that is beautiful wrong, just because they do not understand it. they run from something and do not realize what it is that they are losing. i would give anything to be in his shoes, i would do anything to be able to take away her pain. i would cry her tears for her if it would make her happy. but this sounds like insanity. this world knows nothing of sacrifice unless they are sacrificing someone else so that they can get what they want.

breath in. sigh. relax. release. burdens weighing heavy. soul is a stone. pulling me deeper and deeper into the abyss. the heat is spreading. from my heart out to my fingertips. circulating. it burns. all is numb. the fire of my heart and cold of my soul have nullified each other. a void is created. to erase the memories. to forget the pain. the sorrow. the loneliness. and then i am happy. because i can't remember you. because i forget me. everything fades away. meditation is bliss.

sometimes these rhymes are contrived because of lust for the ones i despise. why would someone be so attracted to the things that leave them so distracted? but the melody plays on and i know that nothing could be wrong because your singing all the words to my song. and your singing voice is so beautiful. or is it the tone and the words behind it?

integrate corruption into perfection because of a lack of reason not to. why not just leave it as it was before it was what you wanted it to be? you draw my curiosity. like a disaster. i know it's horrible but i just can't look away.

Though i can't hear her coming i know she's on her way
though she never stays for long i love her while she stays,
no one can be quite like her as hard as they should try
and when she offers herself to me i never can deny.
She creeps in from outside to hold me while i sleep
and never will she whisper the secrets that we keep,
though many fools dislike her, i'll keep her as my friend
and fall fast asleep with Silence in my arms again.


let the cold winds blow the silence away
let the rain drops fall and accumulate,
let the sun subside beneath the horizon line

I’m scared of touching you.
Of putting my lips on yours,
And tasting the truth.
I’m scared of holding your hand,
And that you’ll never let go.
I’m scared of getting too close,
And not being able to back out.
I’m scared of letting you love me,
And that maybe I’ll love you back.
I’m glad you trust me,
But please stop telling secrets.
Don’t whisper in my ear,
Don’t sing my favorite songs.
I’m trying to make you stop,
Stop the spread your disease.
Disease people call love,
Love I’ll never know.
Knowing how to love is an art,
Art no Mozart could draw.
Draw me closer and you’ll see,
See my bad sides and my truth.
Truth you just can’t bear,
Bear to hear from me.
Me, myself and I,
I think that’s all I have.
Have been like that for ever,
Ever and ever I’d like to keep.
Keep me close but far away,
Away from love, from it all.
All that comes with hiving hugs,
Hugs that hold no meaning.
Means that I don’t want you
You to want me back.
Back is where I want to go,
Go where I felt safe.
Safe and sound sounds good to me,
Me, myself and I.
I like the sound of that.
That’s the way I want it.
That’s how I belong.
Please don’t hold my hand,
Please don’t hold my heart.
I like you how you are,
You like me how I am.
Let’s not change that right now.
I like where I belong.
I’m scared of changing the alphabet,
Putting U right next to I.
It would mess up absolutely everything.
Me, Myself, and I.
I like the sound of that.

"Angels of the love affair, do you know that other,
the dark one, that other me?"

1. ANGEL OF FIRE AND GENITALS

Angel of fire and genitals, do you know slime,
that green mama who first forced me to sing,
who put me first in the latrine, that pantomime
of brown where I was beggar and she was king?
I said, "The devil is down that festering hole."
Then he bit me in the buttocks and took over my soul.
Fire woman, you of the ancient flame, you
of the Bunsen burner, you of the candle,
you of the blast furnace, you of the barbecue,
you of the fierce solar energy, Mademoiselle,
take some ice, take come snow, take a month of rain
and you would gutter in the dark, cracking up your brain.

Mother of fire, let me stand at your devouring gate
as the sun dies in your arms and you loosen it's terrible weight.



2. ANGEL OF CLEAN SHEETS

Angel of clean sheets, do you know bedbugs?
Once in the madhouse they came like specks of cinnamon
as I lay in a choral cave of drugs,
as old as a dog, as quiet as a skeleton.
Little bits of dried blood. One hundred marks
upon the sheet. One hundred kisses in the dark.
White sheets smelling of soap and Clorox
have nothing to do with this night of soil,
nothing to do with barred windows and multiple locks
and all the webbing in the bed, the ultimate recoil.
I have slept in silk and in red and in black.
I have slept on sand and, on fall night, a haystack.

I have known a crib. I have known the tuck-in of a child
but inside my hair waits the night I was defiled.



3. ANGEL OF FLIGHT AND SLEIGH BELLS

Angel of flight and sleigh bells, do you know paralysis,
that ether house where your arms and legs are cement?
You are as still as a yardstick. You have a doll's kiss.
The brain whirls in a fit. The brain is not evident.
I have gone to that same place without a germ or a stroke.
A little solo act--that lady with the brain that broke.

In this fashion I have become a tree.
I have become a vase you can pick up or drop at will,
inanimate at last. What unusual luck! My body
passively resisting. Part of the leftovers. Part of the ****.
Angels of flight, you soarer, you flapper, you floater,
you gull that grows out of my back in the drreams I prefer,

stay near. But give me the totem. Give me the shut eye
where I stand in stone shoes as the world's bicycle goes by.



4. ANGEL OF HOPE AND CALENDARS

Angel of hope and calendars, do you know despair?
That hole I crawl into with a box of Kleenex,
that hole where the fire woman is tied to her chair,
that hole where leather men are wringing their necks,
where the sea has turned into a pond of *****.
There is no place to wash and no marine beings to stir in.

In this hole your mother is crying out each day.
Your father is eating cake and digging her grave.
In this hole your baby is strangling. Your mouth is clay.
Your eyes are made of glass. They break. You are not brave.
You are alone like a dog in a kennel. Your hands
break out in boils. Your arms are cut and bound by bands

of wire. Your voice is out there. Your voice is strange.
There are no prayers here. Here there is no change.



5. ANGEL OF BLIZZARDS AND BLACKOUTS

Angle of blizzards and blackouts, do you know raspberries,
those rubies that sat in the gree of my grandfather's garden?
You of the snow tires, you of the sugary wings, you freeze
me out. Leet me crawl through the patch. Let me be ten.
Let me pick those sweet kisses, thief that I was,
as the sea on my left slapped its applause.

Only my grandfather was allowed there. Or the maid
who came with a scullery pan to pick for breakfast.
She of the rols that floated in the air, she of the inlaid
woodwork all greasy with lemon, she of the feather and dust,
not I. Nonetheless I came sneaking across the salt lawn
in bare feet and jumping-jack pajamas in the spongy dawn.

Oh Angel of the blizzard and blackout, Madam white face,
take me back to that red mouth, that July 21st place.



6. ANGEL OF BEACH HOUSES AND PICNICS

Angel of beach houses and picnics, do you know solitaire?
Fifty-two reds and blacks and only myslef to blame.
My blood buzzes like a hornet's nest. I sit in a kitchen chair
at a table set for one. The silverware is the same
and the glass and the sugar bowl. I hear my lungs fill and expel
as in an operation. But I have no one left to tell.

Once I was a couple. I was my own king and queen
with cheese and bread and rose on the rocks of Rockport.
Once I sunbathed in the buff, all brown and lean,
watching the toy sloops go by, holding court
for busloads of tourists. Once I called breakfast the sexiest
meal of the day. Once I invited arrest

at the peace march in Washington. Once I was young and bold
and left hundreds of unmatched people out in the cold.

I'm sorry I can be bossy and somewhat manipulative
I'm sorry I'm so demanding
I'm sorry I can be so negative
I'm sorry I hurt myself
I'm sorry I've hurt you
I'm sorry I'm such a crybaby, making a such a big deal about nothing
I'm sorry I can't just keep my mouth shut
I'm sorry I'm so bad at helping you
I'm sorry I can't put myslef back together
I'm sorry that you're going through what you are
I'm sorry I can't stay clean
I'm sorry everything is confusing
I'm sorry I can't be strong
I'm sorry I cried myslef to sleep last night
I'm sorry I ran out of tears
I'm sorry I'm so numb and empty
I'm sorry I can't pick myself up and continue on
I'm sorry I'm not skinny enough
I'm sorry I can't do anything right
I'm sorry I'm not perfect
I'm sorry I gave you any idea that I'm worth your time
I'm sorry I wrote this
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so
             so
                    sorry

I preffer fighting in a war and saving people's lifes
than watching my beloved ones destroying eachother.
I want to run away and never come back.
I can't handle those yellings and
i can't stop the tears streaming down my face.
I feel empty. Dead.
I am young, i should laugh and have fun with
my friends but instead i am too scared to smile
because i fear that something bad will happen after it.
I grew up surrounded by hate, by anger.
People often ask me why am i so closed into myslef
why am i so scared of everything.
I hope they never feel what i feel.
See what i see.
I see my parents broken. I see them trying so hard
that they don't see what is happening around them.
They don't see my 7 y/o sister crying herslef to sleep,
they don't hear her scream late at night.
They don't see me how i fear of going home.
How confused and stressed i am.
They only care for themselves and nothing else.
I want to run
run
run
and never come back.
But i won't forget it.
I won't forgive them.
Forgive and forget doesn't work for me.

I have finally found the freedom to be me
I thought it was hard, but I was making it difficult
You stayed with me and helped me even when I pushed you away
I was unbalanced and when I looked back at every bridge I burned
Every scar I made, and every tear I shed, I am truly sorry for the pain
And suffering I put you through. Trust can take a thousand years to earn but only a second to loose. I miss being happy and I am tired of hiding behind a mask of smiles and that where fake. Know I am happy and I do smile because you saw something in me I didn't see before.

Age eighteen, living life as a low-middle class suburban jobless fool with a confusing relationship and a five year old boy. I have nerve damage to my left arm, smokers cough and lesser (haha) alcoholism.     I guess it's macaroni (not Kraft, way too expensive) and cheese (nothing fancy) tonight. I should apply for a new job tomorrow, but I'll probably have something else to do. Besides that, I have no clothes suitable for an interview anyway. My hair is a wild mess. From behind you might think, "****, she doesn't have an ***..."
...but from straight on, you might think, "****, he looks like Slash."
I do not look like Slash, by the way. At least I think not. Maybe with the right hat, but then, I am way too short. I can sing like Slash, though.
I learned to use my voice like, five years ago. How old was I...?
I can read like Joseph Ogle. I love reading. I must have been younger when I started reading good material. Must have been a good few years ago...
I can draw like Dali. I think I found him out in Middle School...
I can play piano like ******* Mozart. I picked up piano earlier...
I can write like...
...well, writing is so unique that comparing myslef to anyone is insulting to both.  
Anyway, it's my raw talent, skills that I have owned and honed that drives me to be more.
They say you have to deal with the hand life gave you, but life decided to give me dice, and a couple chance rolls. I may still have a few left. For as long as I live, I will deny and refute the notion that once you lose everything, you should just give up. I have lost. You can talk to me all day about how sad your life is, and how depressed you are, but unless you do something to change your quality of existence, then you're going to roll snake eyes. Snakes bite, friend.
I got a lucky thirteen on my plate. I am content to keep, but I could keep going.
What do you have?

i spur with emotions, drinkin lots potions feeelin nautious yet still hopin,to come out this truth i cant stomach like vommit.
sick with the love bites im  scratchin, feeling whats left of my heart, a  fraction, my souls is cracked in, sea beast that dwells deep like the crackin,
my actions seem to hold no bounds,snortin pounds,
i keep gettin chained up like kratos, getting chased by hell hounds,
go around my mind, youll see a fault, of my own,
cant stand myself **** ***** im all alone
im pintched tight between **** i dont like,
i choose to be!! only me myslef and I be
dealin with drama , thats takin heavy not lightly.
just a thougth i always ponder.. to creek and somber,
into a sleep were river flows deep like my mind,and conscious.
i fight daily, mind body nd soul, im lossin myself im no longer a whole, ima shell of what i used to be, fill me up with slug, thats all i wish well...that you can recite as my eulogy..


BY: Emmanuel Jv Hernandez
5/23/14

In this world we use to live
I wanted to disappear and leave
I try not to cry
But my tears won't dry

In this judgemental world
People throwing painful word
I use not to dare
I don't want to mess and care

I locked myslef up
How can I make it stop
I tried to understand
In this world I use to stand

I wanted to run
And smile so bright like a sun
Because in your simple mistake
People make an issue even if its fake

plasticized packaging of ******* another supermarket shelf.
give me another reason why i should give a **** to reason with myslef.
alone and i'm dieing, crippled self. beat and im broken another discarded self.

together we're dreaming, dreaming of dieing, set us free, alone and i'm dieing, liberty.
give in, give up, wasted space. thoughtless protrusion, it isnt me.
giving and taking always mistaking. forgive and forget, I hate myself.

endless illusion, sanity. believing and defying, alone and im crying.
heartless conclusion inflated contusion
lets just breathe.
give it away now, insanity.
bringing it back now, releasing me.
holding my hand now, unity.

No one is talking, but so much is said. We were gonna stay here but were leaving instead. We both set off but theres just one thing, were going our separate ways, not the same. 

They may feed you the lines and fill you with wine, but know that your just their pawn. Soon you'll remember that I was the one, You made your choice and now Im gone.

Morning is a Consequence Id rather not face alone

The hotel floor is my home, cause I couldnt make it sober to bed. Stumbled in and passed out, the ***** straight to my head. The night becomes faded, As this girl becomes jaded the same.  

Summer lighting flashes, and only Miami knows

Wake up late in the evening, hungover and believeing, that Id never put myslef through that again. The highway is roaring and the girl is still snoreing, I sit and wait for my ship to come in.

The rain has picked up and the wind has started blowing,
I keep walking this path, but Ive no way of knowing

A cold breeze blows and the rain dies down,
such a busy city and not a soul around.
Been walking for miles and Im soaked to the bone.
So far from anything; so close to home.

It is all my fault isn't it
I kept apologizing and apologizing
And all you gave me was a hand to talk to
My words just went through one ear to the other
I was better off a mute

Could've been better if I had just let it be
Clearly you were not interested in what I had to say
You already had your mind made up
I know it won't make a difference yet,  I am sorry

I made all the excuses
Came up with all the lies
Even after all that
It still made no difference
Your mind is already made up
I am all at fault
And for that, I am sorry

How long should I apologize for you to hear my voice?
How loud should I scream for you to recogize me?
What more should I say for you to believe me?
Well, I am sorry

Even though after all this,
You went ahead and did the same, only worse
You say it's all my fault, is it?
Was there a gun to your head?
Were you just looking for an excuse to do that?
Well, you got it

Now I find myself once more apologizing
No, not apologizing to you nor what I did
I am sorry I tortured myself
I am sorry I blamed myself for your situation, for your choices
I am sorry I wasn't perfect enough
I am sorry
I am sorry for feeling sorry for myslef

I am done apologizing now,
Because, I forgive me...

****....the....
New age rappers
Nigguhs sounds like slaves
Tryna bring plantations
Back
Aint no power in owning gats ?
Stupid nigguhs
Talkin' hard
But scared to pull the trigger
In the 90s we talked about silly ****
Drugs n **** but
Along with commentaries
Now it seem the young revolts only
See the cemetery early
If you catch on early
To the ******* two ******* to the pulpits
How can i follow God when im a God?
Image of a man dont understand
Confusion was made from us
But since i got no heart
I got no one to trust
But myslef so **** the drug cartels
Snitches ******* glitches
N ******* who was sent from Hell
Is it me or the industry?
Trying to take away black males masculinity
Women is the new men
I say **** that !
Men hold yo guard
And bump that !
New age ******* out the way
Cuz if you stay wit it the courts will say
You cant do this or that
But i fire back
Wither it be clinched fist or
Firin' a gat
Dont care the game is changed
Nigguhs sellin' out for a lil fame
Got everybody actin' black?
Cultural Jacks?
Spittin' wack tracks now thats a fact?
How is em deemed the rap god ?
When **** was handed to him how odd?
Is that ignorance is bliss
What happened to the real lyricist
Most will think of this as a diss
Dont care i stop n stare
Lookin' into the eternal sunshine
I see marley easy pac n biggie
Speakin' to me
Through the blunts n Hennessey
Maybe im passed drunk POD'd
Or is just me reachin' a new spirituality
Reals labelled fakes fakes labelled real
Now nigguhs dont even ****
Only over mass appeal
Tight dresses lookin' gay muslims
And the media loves to surpress us
We still joking about slavery
Butwhat would happened if they came to present day
And i seen one of the slaves with a cut off foot Would he laugh?
At us sayin' nigguh or will he provoke a bloodbath?
Smile now ya **** sho will cry later
Im not a hater just an intellectual debater
And if you got beef with me
Line up but its going to cost ya
Cuz aint nothing for free
So to my trues paying they dues
To society do ya time quietly
And when you break out time due
Im going to send the crew
Minorities against the world
Silence the elite soon to delete
There souls off the atmosphere here me clear
Dont ever fear
A nigguh that breaths the same air as you
******* gone do?
When them.boys in blue come for you?
Imma stay heavily heated and bust shots
Til the judicial system departed
Put a strain on there chain links
Now im spiritually awarded


the snide sound of laughter in the back of my mind
the cackling sound at the start of every comment
the giggle as i close my eyes
the laugh that breaks me down

when will it be too late
to save myslef
to rid the pain
to hide

bit it is too late
i lost myslef a long time ago
making more pain
because i didnt hide

it was the snide laughter
the cackle
the giggle
but mostly the laugh ......

here I am at the edge of this apology
one tap from calling you and telling you how much I miss you.
how my hands are shaky, blocked by my own insecurities
here i am at the bottom of this ***** bottle
tired of being sober
tired of not seeing you
tired of the fact that I let you go
how many times do I have to tell myslef I'll be over you soon
how many prayers do I have to make
my knees are bleeding and my hands are numb
but nothing compares to this ache in my chest
how many nights do I have to miss before i can forget the way you say my name
the way you held my hand,
the way your eyes shudder,
when you held me the first time
our first kiss
i never let any man touch me after you
for I'm afraid that they'll brush your scent off my skin,  
here I am at this cliff where i put you
so high
say it on a loop, like a broken record
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
that my insecurities put us here
that my baggage are just too heavy for you to carry
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
I've been trying to shut this devil in my head
but my flaws blinds me ,
I could only see my scars and I am ashamed , terrified that you'll look away
this skeleton in my closet is my reflection
you don't deserve this bundle of insecurity
I don't deserve you.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
here I am in our favorite place,
coffee cold for the only warmth I want is off your body
here I am at this end of this poetry,
knees on the floor, hands still praying, heart still aching
here I am still,
still so in love with you

you poisoned me
no, you didn't slip arsenic in my food
or spike my Shierly temple
but you left your memories
decaying memories, poisoning me
the toxins of tourniquet leaking
their erosive toxins into my mind
you may not be here
but your memories are
and so the scars
white scars on my wrists
gashes in my heart
i don't know where to start
because your torment has no end
i hope that it might somewhere around the river bend
but the only river i see is from my eyes
part of the watershed of regret
to the ocean of mistakes
i seem to be drowning in
your memory is suffocating
filling my lungs with dispair
Im gasping for air,
but my willingness to swim in fading
so i'm sinking and letting the memories flood my brain
wondering if im going insane
or if its just a side effect
of the poison you called affection
a medication that apparently turned "no" into "yes"
and hiking up my dress...
and the poision, you,
your memories eve the happy ones hurt
the happy disguise of a smile
that would ultimately lead to teary eyes
and trouble with other guys
all because you poisoned me
and its effects are lingering
its not just a one and done
its an std of  the mind
it stays around even after your gone
so check yourself and your actions
dont dare poison someone else
do not add to the watershed of regrets
i want clean water
to wash away my infected mind
but no amount of soap
or blades or nails
could possibly wash away  your posion
because now its part of me
congratulations,
you dont no longer have to posion me'
you've turned me on myslef
like some auto immune disease
of the heart and the mind
because i will never forget when i called you mine
and i wish i could,but its branded
so i'm left stranded
in my ocean of regrets and poisoned water shed

Chorus
Am I really that crazy, am i really insane. Has my brain been knocked out of stage. While trying to block out all the noise. All that seems  real, cause lately ive been a thinkin the only thing thats missing is you.

Stuck in a moving phase. Quntum Blue.  OH OH OH. What you get for. Who ya leave ignored. Everthing that i know someane going outlawed. Grass is green. To rich is greed. What've we meant to be. Going on to be stronger. Made for more, trying a little harder. Eyes toward the sky. Crying what is to look forward. Theres gotta be a ticket  hidden beneath  the train.  More than the scenes on Tv. In this world all that we got, aint much when the end  comes. Made my mind im the one that can change. Our chains Leaving  the children on their decisions . Leave them hanging on the edge. Hearing what weve said. Fall back to get ahead. To each is ow n is everything ive known. Instead being hollow, walking down the wrong hole.Does something come of nothing is at it seems. I mean what i say. Im out of place out of line. Can't get ahead when your so far behind. Slipping and sliding while im sleeping im fighting. When im lazy im trying. But i can't reach far enough. To let go of sorrow holding onto morals. More or less is the best way to go. From the ground looking up i feel so small. And so far been searching for where you are.

Chorus
Am I really that crazy, am i really insane. Has my brain been knocked out of stage. All that seems  real, cause lately ive been a thinkin the only thing thats missing is you.

Waiting for truth. I see myslef in the windows. Look out from my bedroom. Hope you reaching my roof soon. 9:00 o'clock i study in the dark. The words said the things youve done. Written in the red letters of the Holy Ghost. All that ive known. Just left me folded on the road. Getting colder in my clothes. In my shoes is a person that chooses from the clouds ive found. Asking around

Chorus
Am I really that crazy, am i really insane. Has my brain been knocked out of stage. All that seems  real, cause lately ive been a thinkin the only thing thats missing is you

drinking drops of poison you think u are better beacuse society says its the norm, u drink more than u need because u dont see the irony. killing the one within, leaving source and drowing ur soul. i know there is better out there, because i have seen the sights and listened to the sounds, i sent myself a post card from the depths, asking myslef to get me out of here, and as i crawled my way out of the misguided representation of myself, i slowly but effectively learnt that life is greater than we allow it to be... So i tell you this not because i think ur ready but because if u ever are, it could help.

Little girls in my opinion aren't little

Im little but im too big to be little 
I have to deal with big girl bites but i can't have my binkie 
Little girl 
Little girl 
Let me touch you
Be little but have a big mind too

My mouth must be innocent 
My thoughts clean
But i have to deal with dark things 

Sleep in a princess bed you make yourself 
Too short to reach on the shelf 
But im a big girl so i have to get it myslef

I fell off the latter 
"Well why didn't you ask for help?"




Im a big girl but im too little too...

on quiet bitter nights like these
i get drunk on the memory of you--

i allow myself to get wasted in remembering.
to drink in all the foggy images
of you
sighing my name
asleep in my bed
your hands on my hips
it is intoxicating
and it burns down my throat

but still i pour myslef another glass
and it is strong
and smells like you

i allow myself to swallow your posion
on quiet bitter nights like these
in the hope that
i would wake up
with a headache
and you would be gone

I only write when I am falling in love
Or on the height of its adversary
But this time I write
As I pick myslef from chaos
To rebuild who I am
And continue living.

Alexis, get a job
Alexis, do your homework
Alexis, don't forget about Missouri state
Alexis, are you ready to move out
Alexis, are you ready to graduate
Alexis, don't forget about school
Alexis can you pick up your brothers I'm not home yet
Alexis can you run to the store
Alexis  go to bed
Alexis do this
Alexis do that
Alexis get out of your room
Alexis don't get sassy with me
Alexis go to your room
WHAT THE **** MOM AND DAD
WHY THE **** SHOULD I WORRY ABOUT COLLEGE
I'M ONLY 16
I understand i'm turning 17 but still you guys put way too much pressure on me
just stop asking so much of me
I can only handle so much before i explode
Right now I'm about to explode
I cant handle all of these things
Let me worry about what i need to worry about
That is school and myslef
I don't need to worry about college and moving out
I'M ONLY 16!

"I'm bored"
Please tell me what to do so I won't hurt myslef
Please keep me happy because my demons are coming
Please distract me from myself
Please help hide me from my thoughts
Please just help me

I heard them called out to Stevie.
And saw a gorgeous girl turn around.
I never put that name to her.
So, I walked completely passed her.
I hear them called out to Kim.
And a guy turned around.

In my mind.
In my thoughts.
I said to myslef.
This guy is a clown.

But, after some explanation.
I realized my stupidity.
That these two people was called names.
That we know was linked to a him or a her.

Because, we have people named after fruits.
And even that confuses me too.
So, if she's Stevie.
And, this guy is called Kim.
All, I can say is more power to them.

Because Johnny Cash sung about a guy name Sue.
And went even further to ask.
How do you do?

I felt bad heartache in my dream
A dream, that came at the time of dusk
When the clouds were escaping
And the sound from mosque was dense and sad!
It shattered and saddened me too much,
This much that still i cry in pain of that heartache.....
It was burnt into dark ashes
Like dark sky indwelling upon the heart of gold dust...
And he screamed through the broken window;
"Take care of him, he cudnt walk
He cudnt speak
My heart has shattered into millions like a broken dream,
And like these ashes that you see,
Darkness has occupied completely Me!
He had my heart
And he was the mode of my breath
Now that all is gone
Speech has lost its ways towards me!"
And me;
I looked into his broken eyes
Filled with thousands of his unheard screams,
"I cudnt hold him to my chest
His toys still i keep but
That smile those glee
I cudnt soake myslef in thee,
Lost and saddened and shattered,
Like this ever-lasting gloomy eve"

my life is like a movie
except the total opposite of that
i am a mess
i try to cover it up
and i do a hell of a good job
i can't sleep at night
something about the darkness
keeps me up
i don't eat a lot
i don't really like too
no i don't starve myslef
i've never come close to it
some people eat when their bored
i eat becaause i need to.
my life is an endless record on repeat
i do the same thing
week after week.
month after month
routines are good for me
at least that's what they say

The best feel is to b loved,
when it's missing the feel of sadness is curved,
to the max extent,
which i mostly feel and bend,
2ward the mirror and ask myslef that,
y m i d most unlucky person in the world and just clap,
on my stupid mistakes and cry for a while,
bcz i dnt want that any 1 can see me while,
m crying ..
It's just not a phase of bad time,
i think the worse situations are d punishments of my crime,
which i've done and even i dnt knw what was these sins i've done,
my situation is just like a fish out of water but no one,
bothers that i cant survive no more,
but only a person is u who loves me and care for me and wore,
me a thrown of ur love it's d thing which i love the most, and  try to get out from the situations m going through,
and u help me and i luv this and u always pvove,
that u r d 1 who can be d perfect,
and you makes my life a rocket,

Darkness falls,
I feel myslef slipping.
Who am I now?
Who've I become?

Falling,
Slipping,
Reaching,
Scrambling.
Help me!
Somebody, please!
Pull me from the darkness,
Save me from myself.

Night comes
But for me there's no moon,
No stars.
The only silver is the glint of my scars.
No light,
No hope,
Just a blanket of cold.

Someone, please!
Save me from myself...

It's all said and done
You know you can't have your words back right
You can't unspeak them
You can't unthink them
You can't retrieve them from my ears
For they are words, the words you have said

Don't feel sorry for me now
No time for guilt now
What's has been done, has been done
You can't tumble and drown in guilt now
You can't go back
Wipe those tears now love, they mean less to nothing now

Life is not a Personal Computer my friend
There is no Cntr + Alt + Del,
Theres no undo, the Cntr + Z
Yes my friend, you did it
Yes buddy, you said it

Forget about the yesterday now,
You never getting it back
But you are here now
We, are here now
So what?

It did hurt like hell, Yes
Do i wish i handn't heard it nor saw it, Yes
Do i wish you'd turn back the hands of time, denitely Yes
Oh how i so wish I had Harry Porter's wand and Hocus Pokus myslef out of this
How I so wish I someone could erase my memories,
Or how I wish they can pinch me, wake me up, and say Baby, this was just a nightmare

Oh well, still doesnt change a thing,
Here we are, this very monent, this very time... So what now?

Some people ask me
Why I walk barefoot
They say
"It's dangerous"
And in my experience
They are right
But I walk on

The streets are littered with filth
It coats my feet and stains my skin
Glass and stones cut into my flesh
And I bleed onto the ground
A trail of red left in my wake
It hurts
But I walk on

Few understand why
I would put myslef through this
The Pain
The Stink
Wading through the ******* of the world
But I tell them this
I walk on

I walk on because the things that hurt
Are all things that we've made
And if I can move passed them all
They won't be able to hurt me anymore

I walk on because through the mess
Through the hurt
I can feel the ground
The warmth of the sun touching the earth
And I know it's all worth it

So yes
It is dangerous
But I've found that there are great things in this world
Under the layers we've built to conceal it
And though it's painful
The good outweighs the bad
If only you let yourself find it

You may wear shoes if you want
Protect yourself
That is your wish
But I will not
Because covering my feet
Simply means
They will feel nothing at all

A greater cause,
means a better life.
Or atleast so they voice.
But how do you fight for what is right;
when all you dispose of is knife?

I ask myself who is my greatest enemy?
Is it me, myslef, or I?
Mybe all I need is a remedy.
To make all the wrong rectify.

I know that all of what I am capabe of holding is a weapon.
But how do you use such a thing when you can't tell the difference between your foe and your allies?
All I see are demons who seem to have come from the heart of heaven.
But afetr all, isn't that everybodies homeland. Even the devil knows all of its alleys.

But mybe weapons as deadly as they can be,
are the more or less something like you and me.
Mybe they weren't found for the unique cause of killing.
Pedro Reyes made weapon in art fullfilling.

What was war's greatest tool.
Has now become harmony's moor.
What was used in fights caused by sheer unreason.
Has now brought all people even.

All those cries,
all those tries.
And I still can't realize:
what on earth can possibly be my cause.

In

Having to tell yourself

Out

To breath

In

Is a hard thing to do

Out

It hurts

In

But if I don't tell myslef

Out

I'll stop

i never realized
i was holding my breath
that i was suffocating myslef
until I found the words
that allowed me to breathe.