I had never expected roses
or the tenderness
reserved for
lovers
But I never anticipated
rough hands
that pushed and pulled,
an unwanted pain
deep inside
my body
Hot water not hot enough
to scrub your touch
away
Bruises like hickeys,
i can feel you
pushing
inside
Your hot breath in my ear
asking if I liked it
A broken yes
sounds like a moan
but I’m crying
You think it’s from ecstasy
I’m shaking,
you go faster
thinking I’m having fun
You like it
being bigger than me
being stronger
I’m afraid
your bigger
your stronger
When it was over
you told me I was lucky
“Most girls don’t ****** when they first lose their virginity”
A shaky smile, on my mascara streaked face
skin crawling, my shaking legs
near collapse
Fear
The hot water is cold

I've realized
That the love you say you have for me
Fades just as quickly
As the hickeys you leave
Scattered on my neck

Once upon a time, I fell in love.
I fell in love with stormy gray eyes and russet brown hair.
I remember in third grade when she got her first pair of glasses.
I remember in sixth grade when she got her first pair of *****.
And the mean kids said they were golf *****.
I fell in love with a loud, obnoxious laugh and brutal honesty.
I remember in seventh grade, we had wood shop, and I spent more time in the corner with her than I did with my "boyfriend".
I remember our inside jokes, her little notes.
I kept every single one of them.
I remember the first time I slapped her back, because she always slapped me, due to her ADHD.
I remember telling her I liked girls, to see if she was alright with it.
I thought she'd never love me like that.
I remember in eighth grade, when she told me she was jealous of my girlfriend.
I remember our first dance, under the light of a green glowing exit sign.
And our first kiss...
I remember at the school dance, my mom made me wear that dress but it looked so nice pressed against hers.
I remember telling her goodbye, lying to her because I made a promise to someone else.
But not long after, we were together again, in her stepfather's car.
I remember he hated me, very much.
I remember she didn't care, as she sneaked me to the side of the house and let me put hickeys all over her neck.
Her pillow smelled like strawberry shampoo.
I remember taking her to lunch, and giving her my grandmother's ring.
I remember carving our names into that tree.
And Lauren's birthday party, where we were closer than ever before...
I remember after that, when the girls came upstairs, her pants were on inside out and our faces were red.
I remember ninth grade, she had always been the only one who had ever fully supported me, in all my years and phases...but I said goodbye again.
Torn away by that same girl I felt obligated to, felt I owed my life to.
I remember her tears.
I remember her poems.
I kept every single one of them.
I remember dating others.
I remember missing her.
Then we came together again, it was the best time of my life.
I remember leaving again---I hate myself for that.
I remember her tears and poems.
I kept every single one of them.
I remember tenth grade, I was with him for so long, but I still missed her.
I remember nearly leaving him, when I wrote her that book...
Our love story.
It is eleventh grade, and I have always loved her.
I will always love her, mourn her, write for her.
But she will never know,
She can never know.
Because I won't be able to live if I ever break her heart again.
College is coming fast, who is to say I could give her what she wanted?
I can't chance it, I won't be selfish.
If keeping her safe is loving her from a distance, then that is what I'll do.
I know I will never love like I loved her, ever again.
What we had can never be recreated.
I will never be fully happy.
She is the one.
But possession is the opposite of love.
I will not interfere with her life again.
Not only that, but the lies I have told my friends and family over the years, about not loving her, still eat at me.
Me and my stupid pride.
I dream about her all the time, talk to her everyday.
I wish I could spend the rest of my life with her, and just be happy.
Feel protected, loved, and supported.
But I don't deserve her.
I will remember her even as I lay dying, with someone else's ring on my finger.
I'll remember those eyes, that hair, her crooked smile, her glasses, that kiss, our dresses, her tears, her laughs, her poems, her singing, that slap, our jokes, those notes, that tree, that night, that exit sign
that exit sign
that exit sign.
Once upon a time I fell in love,
and I never landed
I will never land.

Choking on the sour taste of whisky as I say your name
My brown skin spoiled for your tongue
My heart beating to the rhythm of your drum
It calmed me to be able to surrender myself
to someone so pleasurably cruel
Going as far and as much time you permit
As your poison runs through my bones

His lips going down my neck
His breath burning my skin
Hickeys on my *******
His wandering eyes locked on my body
His hands tracing my curves
And then a stinging I felt. One that I enjoyed

You read my body's mysteries
Produce the scenes in my fantasies
My skin tied in your knotted desire
I bite my lip and press my thighs tight
And there you were, your hands around my neck
Making me light headed
Each whiplash, each biting scar
Each delicious sting from candlewax
The thin line between pain and pleasure
Only you know how to satisfy
This hunger inside of me
To make me scream and moan in sweet melody

His body was my temple
Taking pleasure as I kneel before him
And stand at his command
I knew the wetness between my legs
Would help him calm down his flames
And that his flames would cause a river
To flow down my legs
The storm inside me raging like a flash fire Consuming all in it's path
A tempest that drowns out thought and sounds
Swirling like a tornado of sensation
And I look up at him to hear his voice
The command that releases me
*** for me.