[AS OF January 14, 2016, 1:45: I haven't finished any poem at all for the past months and yeah, I did attempt a few times but I've just lost all motivation to write poems and I loved writing poems but now things have just been so depressing that poems don't even really entice me anymore??? I don't know, it just felt wrong one day to write poems. It felt wrong to think of words to put together or maybe it just felt wrong to think of people then hurt. I don't think I will ever be able to write poems ever again, I've just lost all my will to, but I'll leave my poems here and on tumblr, and wherever the hell I put them, just in case people might come across them and read them and think, hey, I know this feeling, whatever.]

I know
it’s like getting hit at 120
waking up a week later
with fractured ribs,
a cut in my skull,
a feeling of uselessness in my limbs,
and a chronic mental trauma
meanwhile
all you got are
****** bruises
caused by the airbag that at least
saved you despite that,
a dent in the quarter panel,
minor damage to the bumpers
and it’s all ******* covered
by an insurance company
the headlines will be filled with something
like reckless imprudence
resulting to physical injuries
but you won’t need your lawyers anymore
because I promise you I will take the blame
anyway

Though you are
all the reason behind
this mess my heart is
enkindling in my
thoracic cavity,
you will always be
my only calm after
the storm.

Inasmuch as I want to
completely detach you
from me
I can not

the same way I couldn't possibly make
what we had-
what was there
down to the dusty pieces-
any less sweet
because when I opened the door for you
and I was greeted by gentle 7 am sun rays
that were all you
I knew starry nights couldn't compete

the same way I couldn't possibly make
you choose to stay

Now what of you
from a place in my memory
from a memory in the past
from the past I barely remember
anymore

Is there
any more you will be to me
than a phone number I cannot call
than a photograph in my computer screen
than a newspaper article I've read and reread again and
again

Are you more of a loss or
a gain- like the profit from falling for love
and the debt from falling apart
in love
and all its constituents from
butterflies to monsters
to daydreams to tear drops to
fireworks

Because this want works like
fire works
to burn then burn out
but never like the fire in your eyes
of passion and compassion
that builds fire then stays
burning up
unless in exchange of more
match sticks you have for
today

Will you forever be a thought from night
to day
from all the merriment I encounter
to all the melancholy after
a thought I'll remember
more striking than a bad news typed in
boldface

This might be like all the others where I put on a
bold face
to pick up one by one
the torn pieces of hope I set up way too high
but not to fix any part of my heart
fully secured
from similar events from before
tick tock tick tock
there, like time, like them, off you go

Off you go

I look at you and I am looking
at fireworks
Bright, blinding and fascinating
But my eyes are wide open
And I'm not interested
That you're way up in the sky
Unreachable
Everybody's looking up
like me
But not everybody's sick,
like me,
of watching bright colors unfold
of watching you ***** perfection
like it has to be gotten out of your system
because it's already too much
even your body can't handle it

Let me put it this way
Imagine all the butterflies
that rested their own chaos in my
stomach

I can tell you don't mean a thing to him
or to her
to whoever, whatever gender
of that one attractive stranger
you taught yourself to admire
that you can set yourself on fire
they'll turn the gasoline flow higher
tell him your truth and he'll call you a liar
tell her your truth and she'll think that it's dire
you'll accept you are what they think you seem
just a container of tarnished self-esteem

All I can build from
these pieces of me
is a sedimentary rib cage
to protect equally weak
cardiac muscles
that run my feelings so strong
my body can't support
it crumbles down

Keep on
stabbing my heart ‘til no part of
it is unbroken anymore.
I know
only then will you stop.
Or
do you plan on stabbing the same holes
twice?

Promise me
you'll do as I want
and this is what:

When I die
treat me not as someone
gone forever
but someone who was
never here

I'll be happy to be forgotten
if my memory brings you
pain
and longing
for someone who's never coming back

I don't want to be
kept in your heart
if my presence in it
causes you sadness

I want to think I'm important enough
to be forgotten
that you need to forget me just
so you could completely
avoid the loneliness my
absence gives
that forgetting me is the only way
to make you happy again

I assume I am worthy of
your forgetting
that when I'm dead,
you can never be okay
unless you take me out of your brain
totally
without one bit
you'll remember of me

But I do want you to remember
feeling happy-
to maintain the happiness
you've felt with me
without knowing where
it came from
or how you feel it
or why you are
without wanting to know
the why and how and what
I want you to just cherish the feeling
that it's there and all history
doesn't matter anymore

I want you to forget about me
the way memories last
only until death
or maybe after they will stay
the same or completely different,
I don't know
just forget me

I want to be worthy of your forgetting
because only then will I be satisfied
I've lived my life with you
the best way I could have
and could think of

How does one fulfill
10 years of longing
with just a thought-
he's here or that
he's out there and near
hope
every day of each year
every year of the ten
that when you come back
you can speak
or we can touch
you may smile
or we may hug
whatever there may be
and
when you're here
know i'll remain aware
ten years took too long
but what a perfect timing
it had been

How hard was it for you,
dear,
to be someone the falling ones
crash on
that when everybody wished for
everything from her
and she was going down-
sure to break,
you caught her instead
and she crashed onto you
broke herself in your arms
you knew what to do
but you didn't have to
for she wanted to erase herself
from the face of the earth
like how wishes are reset
when the night is sleepy
and the darkness is tired

Will you stand

Beside me
as I watch all these bright colors
wipe out the black and white
my eyes have been so used to that it no longer
looked good
as everything splendid
unfolds ahead
I want to share the moment with you

Behind me
as I escape the ghosts of the past
and leave them behind
that when I get too tired to run
and move on
they won't catch up on me
they won't mess with my mind
I want to be with you when they give up

Ahead of me
as I block out of view
what make me cry a bucket
of wasted tears
I could save for all the merry
moments I'll get to spend with you
when you stand beside me
watching extraordinary
unravel before us

We will have great moments together

You're like a completely different person
You're just like it
I know you're not
Despite the splash of colors onto your hair
In time they'll mix up and go back to the same beautiful black
It was and still is under the brightness
I don't find okay
Despite the ink that fills the surface of your skin
If you sweat enough from running from me it'll all wash away
And go back to the same beautiful color-drained
It was and still is under the darkness
I don't find okay
Despite the carelessness you say
And the irresponsibility you do
Despite all of it underneath you are
Completely unchanged
Just thickly covered

(Spring)
So it was growing affection
(Summer)
So there was an interlude
(Autumn)
So with trees she fell
(Winter)
So he caused her frostbites for keeps from
his frost-filled heart holes from
a frost-bitten body just the same

(Spring)
So there was growing up
and there was moving on
(Summer)
So there was another interlude
and absence of affection
(Autumn)
So she noticed him again
and back was the unwanted phase
(Winter)*
So he stayed the same as ever
and remained never sorry for her frozenness

I want you
to tell me I'm okay
or that I'm just over-thinking
and that you're there for me
maybe not now
or not always
but sometimes
at least

I want you
if not always
then sometimes
and I'll pick that
over nothing at all

Imagine all the time I had for you
That seconds turned to liking
And minutes turned to love

Too little time
that lasted a long heartbreak

Dreams:
I planned them
for us
not for you.
And me.

I'll keep the
lighter
that shall
burn our bridges
forever

I can only write you
as grouped letters meaningful to me
and symbols whose meanings only i can see
but never as words as beautiful
or depictions as perfect as you

I won't be moving forward
nor will I be stepping back
I'll just stay here still and still
and expect you to stay
with me
and need you to stay
with me
and want you to stay
with me
and have you
with me

But you are never
those fantasies
You're the truth too sane
to point out there can never be
we
or both of us

At the end of the day,
all is the same
you remain the last thought on my mind
before I sleep
in strong comfort that's not
strong enough to
let me momentarily forget
you one bit

Not one bit

if the bridges between us were to fall apart
i would not know where to start
when they start breaking
i'd cross them anyway
even if underneath my feet they start creaking
i'll reach your side and there i'll stay
i'd walk the thinnest, thread-like bridge
or the crookiest one that screams of fidge
because everything between us
are strong enought to hold me
even the shortest kiss that will always last
or your laughing face i often see
let me keep the lighter
that will burn down our bridges forever

You always believed
yourself to have powers
to thaw the ice
that wrapped itself
in thick sheets
around my heart
I always thought
they were impenetrable
but true as told
your superpowers worked
like magic
or really bad voodoo
because I didn't like
the way you led
yourself into the heart
I meant to keep inside
my chest alone
and unoccupied
and just left there
in my chest- the only
place it's ever
going to be in

How do you make yourself
comfortable in
my heart when I
myself am not comfortable
nor confident it can
keep a beautiful person
like you

I want my heart to stay
the way it was
before anything involving
you had ever even occurred
because my heart
belongs only to my
hollow chest
that had kept it for long
from warmth
people like you carry
and your warm smile
and warm eyes
and warm touch
are not enough to
cover yourself
from the coldness that
is my heart so
best keep away
than freeze
in a forever
that will do you no good

You can choose
to be made of steel
But I'll fall for you
anyway

If I have to lose
everything, I will
But you'll still ask me to
stay away

This bottle is to all the
Guards I put around myself
Times I failed to love myself
Nights I always cry to myself

This blade is to all the
Long roads I have walked with you
Coffee afternoons I have shared with you
Beer bottles I have smashed with you

These pills are to all the
Dreaded school Mondays you have lightened up
Down moments from where you have picked me up
Hollow holes in my heart you have almost filled up

This day is to you
Now that everything's over between us
I'm getting over myself, too

He's been staying in my heart for a long time now
I don't ask him for rent but he pays me cigarettes
And drinks to have during silent long talks
Alone
With each other
Alone in another way
But at least together

Tonight,
The stars won’t shine as bright as they are supposed to
The night sky will reflect the darkest possible color

Tonight,
The angry rain will pour but the raindrops won’t touch the ground
The lightning will overcome the stars but the thunder won’t follow

Tonight,
The outcry of the moon will have everyone voiceless
The heavens won’t easily clear all this mess

Tonight, as my grief takes over my body, the sky shall be with me.

I view you
as words
many people think they’ve interpreted correctly
so they speak of you as if they truly have
there all the bad sounds go
and meet with all the wrong meanings
as poems
everyone has dissected to find
too little meaning and too shallow depth
as paintings
they admire the colors and representations
on lucky times the story behind that
underwent too many unwily guesses
and end up a wrong conclusion
as songs
sung at the highest pitch then the lowest one
that they don’t go with the melody for which they’re meant to blend with

I view myself
as the author, the poet, the painter, the composer
for I like to think I know you
as if I shaped you
that I give the right background story
I can define then undefine you
and know exactly where you’ll be
everywhere you’ve ever been to
and all you have become
that only I can understand you
the way you want to be understood

How many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror?*

One
In the morning when I wake, I walk to the mirror and flash a smile that's fake
One you may mistake as that of genuine glee but really it is sad if you look closely

Two
In the bathroom when I wash my face, I stand ahead of the mirror and see someone unamazed
Two lives to live and two more to waste,
Skip this one, move on with haste

Three
In the sunlight when I'm out for a break, I hold out a mirror that reflects the sunshine's wake
Three strikes of sun rays to my eyes and two to burn my skin
I'd say one thing, even the light that brightens your day could sin

Four
In the afternoon when the wind is silent, I ask the mirror where my former self went
Four seasons and three good moments have passed, she's still not here
Two pm, in the mirror stands the one I fear

Five
In the later time of the day when the sun is setting, I speak to the mirror to the girl who's weeping
Five fingers she has but on the fourth sorrow she lost track
Three hours more to be spent by two dead eyes that refuse even one smile back

Six
In the blanket that is home, I wonder if my reflection were a poem
Six lines to write with five unexplained phrases
Four rhymes out of sight and three pity beer bottle cases
Two nights alone, I am one with the mirror without others' faces

Someday
A prince will come
But not on a horse
And not with his knights
Most especially,
Not to me