It's killing me
To try not to think of you

It's killing me
To undo things i used to do with you

It's killing me
To try not to miss you

You pull the love out of me,
Like scientists harvest the silk of a spider,
Pinned down, days of freedom behind,
nailed to the bed arms outstretched,
How does it feel?
Nailed down there with precision?
Unmoving all strength gone,
Arachne's curse unbound onto me,
In me,
Out of me,
and in the walls,
You pull and you pull,
Weaving your own gossamer dream,
Of silken castles and fort walls,
Do you even want to feel?
No sirens for you to save.
Dancing with death at my traitorous embrace,
Dreams are so flammable,
and so is your heart,
The sparks of feeling,
Undo so much.
Last night somebody loved me --
and undid every word.

another drag through jagged teeth,
manhandling my body with precision.
lips glittering with the wet from your tongue,
piercings blundering my soul.
continue to make your move against me,
i am numb to all feelings you may hold.
wrap me up and throw me to the dogs,
before you take all humanity.

regret and guilt
eat me alive at times
wishing so much
i could undo
all of my crimes--
so many things
from my past it seems
all the huge mistakes i've made
seem to haunt my vivid dreams
and oh the pain, the fear
that constantly encompass me
whenever I think that one day
all in this world will be able to see...
but there is no undoing
that can possibly be done
to mine own undoing
you see, i'm the one
who committed the acts of sin
and no one can help me now
no one can let me go back and begin
to try to undo what's done somehow...
so off i go trodding through
until the end of time
when my days will come to an end
**and all will know my sins, my crime...

There’s this
pressure
on my ribs
reminding me
of every choice
I’ve made
and doubted.
You can’t undo
things you’ve
done in this life,
and you can’t
move on
if your mind
won’t let you.
-JRM

I want to take off my body,
Like a used lingerie.
I don't want it anymore,
I feel too empty nor valuable.

I want to change who am I,
To begin anew.
For every damage that can't be undo,
For all those nights that I cried.

Too afraid to close my eyes,
Having angst that the memory of you will chase me.
I feel remorse for myself,
For letting you dig inside me,
For being too shabby for my self,
And for letting you ruin my life.

My life.
My life not yours.
From the time you had me,
You never once think of my life.
It was all about you, it was all about your desires.
It was all about your happiness, your thirst for mine.

Of what you did to me,
It will always haunt me.
The remains of you inside me,
Were a nightmare,
A nightmare that chases me,
A stranger who have no clue of who I am,
But still continue to plunge his desires on me.

I am writing this not just to seek for your sympathy,
I want you to understand.
How to be empty,
to be lost,
to be disgusted
and to be the topic of town,
and to be me.

-

shn 6:7-16