natalie Jan 5

i want to get out
but there's a frog in my knees
that won't allow me to move,
it won't allow me to leave.
i feel it in my throat now,
and im all choked up.
oh no its in my brain now,
im waiting to erupt.

imagery? personification.
natalie Jan 5

re-approach


              grip with a gentle sting


hunger


              fueled by inconsistency

though process is jumbled
  Dec 2017 natalie
avalon

when fear finds new homes to hide
fingertips, fire and cyanide
blazing trembles, roaring tide
quiet voices quietly abuse,
and silence blazes a fiery bruise
when you're left drinking
cyanide and month-old booze
no more tremblings left to choose
screaming like quiet voices do
when licking fire finds them
roaring too,
and ashes feel more like ice cubes
than his words do.

anxiety today tonight today tomorrow all night forever all right i love this scary scary life
  Dec 2017 natalie
avalon

grief is fingernails in your palm
when you're standing in a public restroom
wondering why everything feels wrong.

grief is not having worn mascara for four months
because streaked ink-black cheeks isn't a look
you want to be known for.

grief is dancing on the verge of tears
in a math class, because your mind wanders
too often and death looms too large to avoid.

i can't write anymore
  Dec 2017 natalie
avalon

your lover,
does he lie? does he
tell you that you're fine,
that you're wrong, that
you're losing your mind
does it all feel
like a sickly sweet song
written by someone
who doesn't know at all
what it is
to not want to go on?

your lover,
is he fine?
is he losing his mind
between your calls
and your wrongs
does he feel like a sickly sweet
song
when you cry
and he dies
a little more inside
when he doesn't have anything more to do but lie.

  Dec 2017 natalie
avalon

conversational   tones too often
tumble into sloppiness, leaving
my words marked with fumble
-d caresses and stuttering half-t
-houghts. i don't leave you with
my leftovers on purpose, they d
-ropped  into my purse when i c
-ame to see you today. a lot of th
-ings drop into  my mind when i
see you. but it's mostly  your wo
-rds. perhaps my only love affair
was with the   letters you placed
under my name. i never wanted
to be beautiful until you wrote o
-f it with a ball point pen;  never
dreamt of living extravagantly u
-ntil you dusted me in spices and
sparks with flecks of ink and the
marks of your fingers. you crafte
-d everything you loved about m
-e. you are the only reason i am e
-xtravagantly in love  with the fle
-cks and sparks under my skin. y
-ou planted whispers beneath my
eyes and called them  dangerous.
but only you       were  dangerous
to                                                ­ me

this is new. this is the breath of winter as it fogs before your eyes, this is disguise, this is the hundred times you laugh before you start to cry.
  Dec 2017 natalie
alex

i wonder if
what i do or
don’t do
will change the way you
think of me
look at me
feel about me
why do i have such
a tendency to feel
lonely only when i’m
not alone?
i’m thankful for so much
but not much at all
is thankful
for me.

people posting on snapchat about the people they’re grateful for and i include all of them but none of them include me. i know i’m overreacting but i find it so easy to be sad sometimes.
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