monochromatic is me
blowing in circles like cupcake sprinkles and iron clad feathers
my pores are leaking midnight drives (driving 52 in a 45) and salty salami like a
low-carb diet could heal the humans of eternal despair
I still feel ***** every bite of meat
I take this is too much of a (betrayal)
baby 16 dancing in the mirror like
the universe isn't slowly dying like the art of star gazing and my bitten fingernails aren't already
dead

sugar sugar pour some water on me
it can be black or green I don't care just
please wash the sugar out of my hair
sugar is bitter
and sickening in
my hair in my nose and ears
my mom tells me to practice my 'violino'
--we lived in Brazil so Portuguese words are still natural at times--
and she smiles so it cripples me a little
I will practice as much as she likes

I learned once again
the stars are infinite
humanity so minuscule
the dissolving of our race would not even
scratch the universe
with a hint of emptiness
I'd love to fill a satellite
with music and throw it into space
to carry my
restless being somewhere beyond
my dust covered desk -- frantic typing cleans very little
but space is too big
nothing for music to bounce off of
Respighi whispering through
the stars it made me cry
today
like I matter
XENIA
you can stop caking
black stuff on your eyelashes
breathe and forgive yourself
for the despicable humanity
in your veins
remember
music lives in them too

not quite sad more of an intrinsically motivated obsession with the universe that inspires a certain degree of sadness.  like the first time I kissed his neck and the universe understood this intrinsically motivated obsession and inspired a certain degree of sadness. there is reality and there  is my reality

and mine is unavoidable and thunderstorms in-front of and behind me and graceful rain on my head at all times and so much so so much to think about it and the fruit snack wrapper on the floor is blowing away and the fan is clicking and I have math to do but I don't care what a radian does

I only care that I don't see a god in the millions of dying people and the four year old locked in the basement of her addicted mother's house. Hemingway says that all thinking men are atheists (and women this is 2015 and I am brilliant) and I am pure atheist except when rain comes down and I believe that everything is connected in some way

and I sat on the trampoline with my 13 year old sister and let the rain fall on my face and slide down my shirt and drip into my belly button and I think I reminded myself why we are alive and then the lightening scared me enough to shake my doubt away

we are all okay sometimes.  and my brain is exceptionally faulty--frontal lobe doesn't act normally and she told me that it's like it flies away and I can't find rationality until it settles and comes back to earth and I am rarely on earth.  and I scared him because too much passion can break more than glass and

it's hard to realize that for every second I hate it is only because I love to the point of insanity and I can't hate unless I love unless I am drowning
in hopeless desire for more than human for invincibility and driving with the windows down and music blaring everything else out

then I remember I am someone else's child and it is only fair to care for that girl so I slow down
I put my arms out every time I walk in the wind so maybe it'll take pieces of me with it and turn me into the alive person that i crave that I desire that I fume for much more than

touch

but I can't just be touched to feel love I just watch eyes to remind myself why this planet is here why the oceans are filled with salt why people are dying to live why people are living just to die

I love again each day right after convincing myself I don't and it's not touch I remind myself how to live in those eyes and I broke the glass the glittery strong slippery now shattered glass so the least I can do is let the glass fix itself slowly

but I don't believe in god I believe in love and rain and passion and desire and this is my catharsis

nirvana
nirvana me
how did I get here
soporific no more
this story
is spinning me into hurricanes
salty skin lustrating itself
and I shake when
people open to me
raw raw raw
like an onion
draw tears
out of me
they come very easily
like secrets
I have
none
zealously for life
defines the dreamers
I will never be Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds
or Frida Kahlo
but I am art
I will inhale from Lethe
every day of my life
because
I will create a new earth
every gasp I take
and vulnerability is my power
consistently unabated
I'll strip down naked
before the world
before I give up my
Lethe
this woe
this cataclysm
does not belong in me

I drink coffee every morning
spicy black coffee thick whole cream no sugar
cramps often fill my stomach  after
the concoction is swallowed but
it feels good
when my heart picks up and goes faster
jumping and throbbing a little precocious (for so early)

socorro socorro I am buzzing

you are hiccups
not going away
Pini de Roma 4th movement cannot numb me
like you do

I am thin and small (very small)
---anyone can hurt me but not really
tickle my feet and I'll kick harder than
if you cut my heart in half-ness

best friend soulmate unforgettable
your clothes smell like me (not you)
now --less intoxicating i sleep better--
but I love them terribly much because
you taught me to love myself so
best friend soulmate unforgettable
they still smell like you
through me
in me

11:11
i wish for her infinity
and our infinity

litter my body
with art
ornate drawings paintings mixed colors
silver gold clay copper jewelry
I don't mind bruises
(any kind)
thud thud thud through my heart
litter my ears heart throat
with songs that shake my aorta
unbalancing my Eustachian tube
deafen me to everything else
and I will breathe in until my lungs ache
(pulmonary artery backed up--too much oxygen)
the air full of wrong lust love hope rain sun speed disease panic difference bodies hate sky and infinite space
I must know what it feels like
to be
fully fully fully
alive

(I won't miss a thing)

this is over

she used to laugh and
flip her hair (a little brown and a little black and a little curly)
a little bump in her nose bone
curved eyebrows
shy and nervous sass
but depth and curiosity
in her beautiful innocence

and I’d  follow (hesitantly euphoric)
eager to accept
(acceptance
for the first time)

and now she breaks my heart
and brown eyes
are darker than
mud
and claustrophobic panic
engulfs the idea of
her
as spinning out of control
(a top dancing on the tip of a knife)
is not healthy for you