You were my anchor to reality but you never were in reality.  So my anchor to what?
To you?
To the bottom?
To the taste of chemicals?
To crime?
You were never good for me but you acted like it was the best thing.
Yeah yeah it was great  at the time.
Except time kept moving and I wanted to be free.
You decided that not how you like me.
You threw me away to be collected with the rest of your garbage the next day.
I was like a ******* spirit.
I kept coming back.
One.  
Two.
Three times but you never let me stay.  I should've known then all you did was make me decay.
They say never give up.
I say do it sooner and more final like shattering a glass cup.
You were the toxins  in the chemical candy.
The sharp rocks at the bottom.
The jail time and fines ready.
The anchor for a ship tied to my raft made of twigs.
So long it took to detox cut the rope and swim back to the top.
I don't hate you but I will not decay with you.
Laugh as I will as you sink lower and lower.
I tried to tell you the decay will rot you  make believe solider.

I'm way to drunk and ******
But I still gotta drive us home.
Im thinking bout her
And the thing she could have been to me.
Things should've turned out differently
Her eyes the color of ice
First meeting hair of bright pink LSD
Body of goddess  heart of a sweet sugared candy and that soul was just bright as can be
I'm drunk and alone
But I gotta live this life
But in still thinking bout my girl
Im way to drunk and I'm  supposed to have moved  on from this.
I cant just forget a love that never got the chance to grow.
I have to go
In the dark velvet dress the dark eyebrows
She was my world but i threw it away now im living in a different universe

We as human have such an attachment to everything, it’s out biggest flaw.
Our friends, our relationships, our objects, our old selves.
We always cling to everything.
Even when everything is pushing itself as far away as possible.
We should take a hint and learn a lesson.
We hold to tight and when everything goes it is so much harder to recover.
Even after being cut off we try to go back, and go back, and go back.
We need to keep moving forward.
Stop holding on.
Push ourselves away from what was.

It took 10 months before we saw each other again.
We had tried before, people pushed us.
This time I was invited to a party and, it happened.
I was completely terrified.
Would we yell. Would we cry. Would we fight.
Nothing happened how either of us imagined.
We saw each other stood there for a second till we were told to hug.
It was not like any other hug.
It was a weight lifted from my shoulders.
Relieving and healing.
Knowing I could move on.
While it put something back together it tore me apart.
A reminder of the hatred, the differences, and of course the hurt.
How we both moved on completely.
Minus the anchor that was still biting at our ankles.
What kept coming to me was how much harder it was for me,
How little she got hurt.
How it kept me fighting a darkness for months.
10 months.
It was forever, yet almost no time at all.
10 months.

Yo, I didn't think it could get any worse.
Except now i'm sitting here alone.
I must have a curse.
My best friend left because of where I found a home
for my heart.

She is my everything I don't understand why she's gone.
Is my happiness really that toxic.
Could it really be that bad.
Could it just be.Me?

It doesn't really matter now.
I'm alone and drowning in my demons.
Ice and smoke , I must be dreamin'
I've let myself bleed and I let myself bow,
to the new king

I am not me, I'm ruled by darkness and hate and sadness alike.
She left me and now I have nowhere to turn.
I've called for help, but that's when they strike.
Bad habits, Bad feelings, Bad drugs, that's what i'll learn.

We were like a pair of marches at first started aflame quick and bright yet we kept going even after we burned out
After the hurt
The ******* that wasn't done with each other
The angry words ***** ****  
The night of bruised knuckles and empty bottles
We kept going that's what was wrong with us we held on too tight
I shouldn't have gone back again
Holding on to tight sometimes cause wounds
These wounds they are never gonna close
He took me into the dark and he made me into nothing
Now he got what he wanted and then left
And I'm here violated and worth nothing anymore
Just another *****

Do you feel like there is no one left?
There isn't anybody left to latch onto.
Maybe you have to go looking.
More than likely who you have been looking for, well
The are right in front of you.
Open your eyes and look into paradise.
The paradise for damaged kids.
Most call this a place for the weak.
I know better, we are the strong.
We are the love.
Welcome to Paradise.

Honestly I'm done trying to get somebody to love me
You have hurt me beyond imaginable
I have cried myself to sleep every night for the past week and a half
There are times when I'm sobbing and the only thing I can think of is you
How you smiledd when you saw me
They way you hugged me
How my name sounded on your lips
You always said you loved my smile and now I can't even smile
The jokes you cracked
How you tried to get me to stop chain smoking cigarettes
I remember when I had a complete breakdown and was drunk in the abandon theater breaking **** and nobody could calm me down and all you did was come an hug me and I started to breathe
Now you look at her
Not me
You can't evn talk to me
No matter how angry I am
I still sit in class quite and fiddle with the ring you gave me
You want it back
I don't know if I can give it back with crying
It's the last thing I physically have of you
All I would have left is the memories
And the small things I notice that made me fall in love with you

A girl crippled by the depressing voices circling her head
What was the answer they needed
How could you make them quite
The voices were there always
Though the suicidal nights
Though the days filled with anxiety
Though the days she was called a *******
The voices were there while she was being beat
There were there tending to the cuts on her arms
They were there the night she snorted *******
The voices were more comforting then actual people
People ****** her over
When it comes down to it
People will disappear
The voices will be there till the end whispering
One more line one more cut one more cigarette
One more and you will be free forever

I realize that it wasn't worth it.
I have him ******* everything.
All he did was take .
Take and take and take.
He took my heart my virginiy and my pride.
Until I was no more
Then he ****** me up.
The only thing he ever gave me
Drugs all kinds
******* acid marijuana
Until I was hooked
Hooked up on him
Hooked up on drugs
Until I realized he wasn't good
I got away
Yet I stand here today
Wondering
Was he the only one who actually cared
Wondering
Why do I still care
Gert him out of my head
Before I realize
There is nothing left of me

I tried to forget about her
I tried to forget the pain
I tried so hard
but it's not the same
She will always be on my mind
even when I cannot focus on my mind
She will be the one that haunts my dreams and my drunken
thoughts of love and home
Sh was always the one person who if I even thought of her could stop
me from ripping myself to pieces or stop me from putting myself
6 feet under
But now who's here to stop me
The guy who only wants me for ***
A friend who never talks to me anymore
The family who didn't want me in the first place
Nobody
I guess nothing is the same since then
Nothing

Ultimately I lost her
Ultimately it was my fault
Just because it was too hard to pretend around my family
Just because of this I lost the one thing in my life that made me want to live
I guess I will have to accept it
I guess I have accepted
But that that doesn't mean I won't rip my mind apart thinking about it
Thinking that maybe if I had just come out
I could still have her
I guess this is goodbye for us

Oh right I forgot, nothing ever lasts for me
I forgot I am the one who will get hurt
I forgot that I will be the one forgotten
I forgot to not let anyone in to my heart
I forgot that they will just break my heart

My nights may physically be dark as well as mentally.
But in the day,
when everything is supposed to be a gift with many colors and feelings
it just feels dull.
like it's still night .
I can't see any beauty or love.
I can only see hatred,
the feelings of anger towards everyone.
I hope that I become lost.
so I can no longer feel anything.
I want to be lost in a haze of colorful smoke. forever.

All I can thibk of these days is you.
I remember when you said we were going to be best friends forever. I guess that was all naive middle school talk.
I guess it still hurts when i think about the past 2 years.
The summer you stopped texting and messaging me.
You started to dislike being near me.
Then you had a birthday party and I guess it was okay you were still my friend.
Freshman year is everything went down hill.
One friend left and i was pushed away.
You started acting like i wasn't really fun.
After i made a stupid ******* mistake you wouldn't forgive me.even after i apologized.
I havent heard you talk to me outside of class since last year.
I don't exists in your world.
I know it's stupid but sometimes i will sit there and stare at one of your blogs or look through your facebook photos.
Even though I know you don't care about me.
I will always be concerned about you.

My body had been a torn up battle ground red streaks everywhere.
I never thought i would be better. except i did get better at least for awhile.
Deep down i thought i would never rip my body up again  despite that i knew it would happen.Then after a month or so of okay.
It happened  i drew with my silver blade. it left small red lines all over my thigh. easy to hide but it leaves a painful smile.
Torn up again and again will it ever end.

Sometimes i wish i could leave this world
Maybe not like die leaving
But leave to another reality of sorts
A fantasy world
Where i was happy and smiling
Somewhere i could be myself wearing tshirts and shorts
Somewhere i would hang out with real friends and feel secure
I wish i could be in that place
For now i fill that hole of longing with bad things
Thing with drugs and alchole and blades and sadness
Someday i will be in that world i long for

i think to myself death take me
take me away from this ugly world
all i get is silence
i flick open my pocketknife
the cold sharp blade is a relief
death please
i start to cut my skin
death take my soul
blood starts to drip deep red
death take my heart
press deeper with the blade
death take my life
with a clink of metal on the tiled floor
the ****** knife came to rest
death
departing from this world i thanked death
and said goodbye to everyone
death why are you so simply complicated?

I had a dream last night where I died
nobody could see me anymore.
I was invisible to the world.
The sad thing is that I realized today, that's how I always feel.
Invisible

i never thought a smile on face would taste so bad on my lips.
but this smile tastes better than the disappointment in the voices of others.

i can hear my name being called in my dreams, but i never looked back to find out who. i always just kept on running. i've now realized all that runnig was doing, was putting space  between us. i want you back. to hear your voice with true happieness in it. Maybe even have you as my best friend again