"But what if we're wrong?"
It was silent
But her thoughts echoed around in my head as we laid on top of her pickup truck
I swatted at the eighteenth mosquito chewing on my leg
I don't want this to be love

We were tangled up in the acoustic music they play on the radio on Sunday mornings
She was trying to dream up something clever to write about
And I was pretending I could learn to play guitar through osmosis,
As if blending myself in with the harmonies, finding her in every lyric, and sheer willpower would give me wings or at least magic guitar hands

She set the alarm, checked it over and over
She was not going to be late for her first day
I told her I'd be asleep when she got home, she told me she knew
I told her to wake me up

I wasn't looking for perfect
Perfect really only applies in first year physics courses
After that, we learn to fall in love with "rough around the edges" or "unique" or "unfinished"
As if their life is a puzzle that we need to complete
Just so you know, it isn't

She bought me breakfast and dropped me off
She used to tell me she loved me, but I know she didn't
She does now, so she doesn't have to say it anymore
When I said, "love," before, I didn't really mean it
Not like I mean loving the garden on the balcony of her apartment or thunderstorms in May
Even if I was a puzzle that she completed (and I'm not saying that I am), we didn't need any glue to fit perfectly

I’m going to relapse tomorrow.
So I’m going to breathe in this moment where I am not in pain
I am going to touch and feel and understand right now
Because I can,
Right now, for the next few hours, I can be an entire human being

I’m going to relapse tomorrow
You’d think it’d be relieving to get a warning inscribed in your genetics,
Building patterns,
To “prepare”
But I cannot be prepared to open my eyes in the morning and see television static
To get out of bed and leave my arm behind
To fall off the leg that can’t hold my weight anymore

I’m going to relapse tomorrow
All I do is dread the pseudo-pain that creeps in when I can see again
You want to talk about fake?
Talk about nurses blowing veins
Talk about nightmares about hospital gowns
Talk about being afraid to ask for a seat on the subway because your illness isn’t real enough

I’m going to relapse tomorrow because that’s how this goes
This in and out like the ocean got angry again
Like I will never run marathons
You can’t run on a numb ankle
You can’t run on exhaustion and giving up
I can’t run on missed birthday parties

I’m going to relapse tomorrow, and I’m terrified
Because I’ve given up on my body before
Because the rest of the world can touch without pins and needles
The rest of the world runs on people can run constantly
I’ve been rusty since age seven,
I was built like an iphone
Meant to break and be thrown away so you’ll buy a new one

I know that I’m going to relapse tomorrow. I know, I know, I know,
I know.

I imagine you taking my hand and spinning me
Like my daddy did when I was a little girl
I imagine my dress flaring like it does when I dance around the kitchen
When I remember the night my father showed me how to Waltz
And I kept stepping on his feet,
I remember how for a few seconds I swore he was you

To be brutally honest,
It hurts like hell knowing that you aren't here
I walk into school every morning without you.
Ever since December,
Ever since December

Sometimes you're
A passing dream,
Or a fading memory
A fading memory
Some days I need you more than I need to breathe
Somedays I can't breathe without you

The cherry blossom tree will bloom tonight
It will be a lighthouse in the dark
I will be back, my darling
Just as I have been.
I assure you
That things will be alright
You will look for me when you wake,
But I cannot be there
I apologize, my darling.
I will see you in your dreams.

I gave up a little today
It shows when I smile:
Half broken, trying too hard
Trying to learn not to love
Holding onto the idea that someday I will get to love
Again
Giving up on my dreams of a perfect house,
A beautiful dress
I'm trying not to imagine spinning around a ballroom with someone, because
Everytime I wake up from those daydreams, my heart gets broken
I've given up on beauty:
I cut my hair and called it "powerful,"
But really,
I'm just trying to be a kid again
I've finally given in to fairytales and knights in shining armour,
But I've given up on finding my own

1.
Let's install some fail-safes
You have to convince yourself that this is really what you want
If you aren't gay, pretend you are
If you are gay, pretend you're not
I guarantee you will not fall in love

2.
Pick the sweetest person
Someone your parents will approve of
Someone who is so perfect for you that you just don't understand why you're sitting alone right now
If you're not voted cutest couple for the yearbook, you can't possibly be in love, right?
Too many people are watching

3.
Try to love them
Try to give yourself a textbook relationship
Go on dinner dates
And watch scary movies so you can cuddle up together
Argue about why you should definitely pay "because it's romantic"
Blow out the candle when she's not looking

4.
Stop taking off work on Friday nights
It was never going to work, anyway, so why bother getting attached?
When you realize that they love you,
And you are still sitting there alone, that's when your heart breaks
When you realize you can walk away and be unchanged
Because how could you possibly walk away from two entire years with another human being and not feel something
Your heart's going to break anyway, just because it didn't.

God look!
A sky
I know that you did not
Create it
Or anything
And that you do not exist
I am an atheist
And you have not proven to me your existence
Well,
I guess you do exist
In the minds of the people
I just can't believe
That an almighty creator
Would ever be so cruel
As you
And that is my proof to the contrary
Of your existence

A farewell can be so perfect
It can give you a chance
You never thought you had
Or
It can rip
Out your heart
Or
Both.

Trusting you was like being stabbed in the back
And the eye
And my foot.
I'm not dead yet
But when I see you
I might as well be.
Because I can not say anything
That I will not regret saying to you
You will repeat everything
I try to walk away
But you need help
And I have to help
But helping you is hurting me
And I do not like being hurt.

I wish my lotion had glitter in it
I also wish my head didn't hurt
I had a nightmare that I was back in the hospital the day my insurance company denied my medication
I can't afford it,
So I can't sleep now
But yesterday I dreamed I was back in the hospital like when I was a kid
I was only there a couple of times, for testing and for times I forgot my medication
There was a bit of a learning curve for a seven year old
But I'm moving out next year
I've already learned
I take my vitamins, I go to my doctor visits
I finally got my sports clearances,
But I can't drive a car without my medication
I can't work somedays either
So as I lay here, by myself, I can't help but remember the nurse who gave me a friendship bracelet in the emergency room on Christmas
The saline in my arm was cold, and they stopped giving me blankets because I had a fever
I was twelve years old and it was snowing in Atlanta for the first time in years
I couldn't tell from my windowless room
The nurse put lotion on my hands with glitter in it
I had a fever because I was dehydrated
I was dehydrated because I forgot my medication at home in Pennsylvania.

It was nice that the window was open this morning
Everything was so calm and simple,
Just as I had left it
When I went to sleep last night.

I'm very fond of your first impressions
And the way you embarrass me
I am very fond of your foot steps down the hallway
And stars in your eyes
I am very fond of your handwriting
And the quotes on the tip of your tounge
I am really quite fond of you.

I want to breathe again
I want to breathe without gasping
I want to inhale something larger
I want to hold my breath,
Hold on to it

I want to exist only in the purest sense
Breathe only nitrogen gas
Fade into the most obtrusive backgrounds
Hold only the most battle-scarred hands
Touch only saddest faces

I know only the broken
The chaotic and unholy
Defeated, given up
Smashed silently into walls and left on the ground to pray to religions they don't understand

I know only the broken,
The forced,
The many
The similar footsteps,
The same directions
The same people copied onto different faces
"I swear I'm human..."
Please don't run away like that-
- She looked back at me.
"I SWEAR I'm human..."

You were never meant to be real
I dreamed you up when I was six or seven and dismissed you as childish folly by age sixteen
Trust me, boys were the most escoteric of social constructs
Put in place to make skirts shorter and hair longer,
Eyes bluer,
Entirely alien
So when you kissed me on the bridge overlooking the waterfall we'd just climbed out of,
As my hair drenched the old, rotting wood underfoot,
We could've fallen apart
People wake up from dreams, right?
Today, I can't remember how the story goes

There's a theory in thermodynamics
For every reaction that occurs, some energy and order is lost to the universe
Heading towards complete disarray in the grand scheme of things
So naturally, right as things started to make sense,
As soon as my life clicked together in tessellated, repeating structures,
I followed the rules of my chemistry teacher and got black-out drunk
My life has become that floral shirt shirt you can't wear with anything
You thought it was pretty in the store-
They had it dressed up on a mannequin with sleek black pants
It looked edgy, and professional
But you aren't that mannequin

"I love you,"
Scrawled out as an afterthought
My handwriting increasing in size as I ran out of words for you
I have often been named a human dictionary, but I didn't want to give myself away this time
I wasn't even sure I wanted to leave a note
I taped it to the back of a painting
You'll find it eventually

The desert welcomed me with open arms, but was only a pause
Eighty years is a long time, and three days doesn't make a difference till the end
So my pocket radio cut in and out as I dipped into the grand canyon
They recommend a gallon of water per person,
But I figured a can of coke and a little soul could hold on for now

She wound up dead on a highway
"Bought a farm," said some of my favourite authors
"So it goes."


Her body's breaking down into smaller particles
Her hair is evaporating
All that's left is her ruined paint set in a plain white apartment

I don't even remember his name,
But at the time, I swore I was going to marry him
With as much conviction as someone with their finger halfway down on the trigger of a loaded gun
I have been fired at some odd angle towards bullet-proof glass
And for the first time in my entire life,
I don't know how I'm going to make it out of this

When I told my therapist I was doing better, she asked what was working
"It helps to focus on the future," I said.
"And the Benadryl. The Benadryl helps a lot."
And turning the fan on too high, and leaving all the lights on until seconds before I fall asleep
In high school, I performed a poem about a girl telling her therapist about a vision
This doesn't feel like that
When I said somebody else's words, I always felt the anticipation, and the relief,
And the words being held back because you don't want the person who knows you're crazy to think you're crazy
This doctor mirrors me
Echoes the disappointment I feel in myself
I went home and called my mom:
She said it will take awhile to find someone I feel I can trust, and I said
"Yeah, I know,"
As I sat alone in my bedroom in my silent apartment with no friends to call
It's getting late, and I remember what my therapist said about the Benadryl
You can't drown things out by sleeping through them
The side effects shoot through my skull like walking into the same doorframe every morning
I don't usually stay up this late
They sell two brands at my small town drug store
The pharmacist knows me by the way I know exactly what I'm looking for
She said she was worried about me when I came less often
But I had just stopped taking antidepressants
I "didn't need to anymore."
I "had my life planned out."
Now, it's been three days since I did any dishes and three weeks since I've washed my clothes
I've been wearing the same workout shorts and Doctor Who tshirt on all of my little outings for days
I'm drinking lukewarm water from a mug and I'm fascinated by the little rings made by the oil in my chapstick
Some people call it agoraphobic but I call it safe
My therapist asked me if running was helping and I said
"Yes. While I'm sill running."
I learned as a kid that you can't run forever, but God I tried
I once ran until I fell over at the end of a road and had to call my parents for help
(I showed her the bruises)
I only just learned to sleep with my window open
I used to send my friend terrified messages at two in the morning
I don't think he was thoroughly convinced of the utter horror I felt when all he saw was the word "crickets"
But I am an expert Jeopardy player.
My therapist asked if trivia games make me feel better and I said
"No. Because sometimes I get a question wrong and I realize I haven't been working hard enough."
"The only thing I'm really confident of is that I'm not working hard enough"
I wrote that in my diary, after eight hours of classes and six hours of studying
I got dressed up for a dance I didn't go to
I ran out of Benadryl yesterday
So I'm still up a three thirty in the morning but that's alright
My therapist promised I'd be better off without it.

Tell me when you're upset with me
I hate it when you say nevermind.
God,
I hate you
But that's unimportant
I am a living, feeling person
Not a brick
I'd really like some bricks,
Actually,
To build a wall
And keep you out.

Sometimes,
I used to feel like I was floating away
Or fading away
So I put elastics around my wrist
Even when my name is called
I can fall into a sound
Become unreachable
And get lost.
I don't like getting lost
I don't put my head in the clouds
It just floats there
Even when I hate losing touch with the ground.
I don't always do what I want to.
Change happens slowly,
Over time,
But the time flies by
I fly, too,
But in the wrong direction
I tend to think backwards,
(I'm a big fan of velociraptors)
Or outwards,
(Like jumping in a rocket,
And flying past Pluto.)
When I can't feel the elastic,
I know that I'm dreaming.
I think, therefore I am
Isn't
I think I am,
But I'm actually not.

he died where he Stood
refused To fall
hit and hit again
i watched from a distance
Remembered who he was befOre he joined up
aNd it was just like this
just like him to stand there as lonG as he could
his buddy caught his shoulder, the first one to see him waiver aside from myself
he was gone before he hit the ground

Visualization skills
Can be incredible
I can be walking down a street in Paris
With my friend who died
Four years ago
But it can also be terrible
Like when I'm trying to fall alseep
But I'm standing in her room
Watching her burn
Or when I'm sitting in my room
And you are there
But I have to remember you left
And it isn't real
Sometimes I can walk alone the ocean
Instead of the street
But usually
I'm running from monsters
I'm not insane
I visualize on purpose
But sometimes I loose control of my daydreams
Sometimes I swear you hate me
Because I misread something
And my stupid brain twists thoughts
And gives me the worst possible scenario
And that scenario is real
Only it's not
Because you don't hate me,
Do you?
It's so hard to touch a ghost.

That moment when the world is ending
Only it's not,
So relax
That moment when you're about to fall
But you're sitting
So you're not
That awful second when you're speaking
Really really fast
Because your brain is going that fast
But nobody's listening
So shut up.

Anyone could have told you she was under pressure
Not neccessarily that she wasn't handling it well, she seemed fine
Decisions were made when no one was looking

Now, I only drove by her funeral because the crowd was so large
Only friends and family sat in the front seats, people were standing on the sidewalk outside of the church
Winter was setting in

Yesterday, I walked home with her
Opaque and careless, and
Utterly ignorant. I'm sure she wanted it that way

Decades later, no one will remember her. If she's lucky, she'll become a statistic
Oxygen stolen and plant food then
Not that she doesn't matter to us now, just
'
That she won't then

Had only I known
All the time I spent with her, even the
Ventalation is asking why I didn't help her
Even the air whipping around my head as I can't sleep

Tomorrow, she won't be coming back to classes, but
Onward we must go

Before, I thought she had given up. It's
Easier to be angry than to realize that she just let go, and it was her choice, as painful as it was for us. If you're one of those saying,

Goodbye,
Only I'm actually going to do it
Only for real this time...
Don't.

This poem is for everyone who is reading it at midnight.
It's hard to be encouraging to you.
I'm writing this at midnight.
I can't sleep, either
The never ending rush of existence that lives inside of you,
I feel it
I feel it, too
At night I become a display case,
Showing everyone every shred of me
Every brutal scar that my clothing couldn't hide
Covered up by waking up
Or the clock striking seven,
Forcing another sleepless night
Slowly begining to fade the nightmares from before
Nightmares aren't dreams, they're memories
I show them on my skin like tatoos
All night,
I try and hand my consciousness to you
All night,
I try to convince myself there is a reason to wait for tomorrow
All night I face self loathing and terror
Every night I wish I weren't alone
Some nights,
I remember that I'm not

You see terrible things
Maybe you're a child or a teenager
You talk to a therapist
They give you "medication."
You take drugs
You forget.

You get sick somehow, and it's bad this time
You see some weird doctors with titles you can't pronounce,
Maybe you spend some time in the hospital
You see your therapist again
They make sure you're still on your "medication."
You take drugs
You forget.

You're in school again now and you're taking some sort of exploratory writing class
You always end up writing about the same character and you're not sure why
Every time you try and write something else, it turns out like **** and you throw it away
You're too afraid to show your parents or your friends, so you hide your work, and
You take drugs
You forget.

Maybe you've finished school now, maybe you haven't
Your writing class has been over for months, maybe years now
But you still remember that one character, and you pull out your notebook
Looking back, you wish you had tried harder to learn something new in that class,
Maybe tried to experiment more
You put the notebook on the shelf of books you're done with
You take drugs
You forget.

You've been having nightmares for awhile now,
Sometimes you can't sleep at all
You start to keep a log,
Suddenly, you don't want to forget but
You don't want to be sick, and you don't remember what all of these pills do so
You take drugs
You forget

You've grown up with all of these ticks and habits
It was fine when you lived with your parents, but it annoys your roommate
They say you talk in your sleep and you say you're not surprised
All of your books got shuffled around in the move and you notice your notebook from writing class
You promise yourself that you'll read it sometime soon, until then
You take drugs
You forget

You dig out that old notebook and think a lot of that character you always wrote about
They are exactly what you wanted to be, but you aren't now and that upsets you
The notebook reminds you of the log that you kept and you dig that out, too
You really don't want to forget anymore
You feel like part of your mind has been drowned in this stuff and suddenly you care about all of the blank spots in your memories
You spend all day looking at photo albums and reading about your "medications" one at a time
Your mind and body are suddenly your decision, but
You're tired
It's been a long day trying to fill in all the blanks
You take drugs
Your write yourself a note in the half an hour before you fall asleep
You forget, but not completely
Not this time.

This is one of those times
When I think I need you most
But I must not
Because you always show up
When I really do.

I don't think about it as jagged
I see little crystals, reflecting light
I see picket fences, your smile feels like coming home
I see clouds and little black holes in between
- Little galaxies I can fall into, stories I can tell later
I see you, unique, I can't imagine you any other way
I see you smiling
And now I'm smiling, too

Throw stones
In the house of mirrors
Shatter the image
I like the delusion of perfection
I don't have to be real
I know what I look like,
I don't need to see
I need to feel something other than fear
You are standing at the base of a mountain and unafraid
I stand at the base of a hill and tremor
I don't need to see my hair out of place
Or my tired eyes
I know that my clothes are wrinkled
I don't need a reflection to tell me so
I'm OK with who I am now,
And I can try again *tomorrow.

We don't have time to slow down,
Only to speed up
We're already dragging our tails and falling behind
We don't have time to stop
Only to charge
To rush the enemy
There's no time left to kiss goodbye

So just drag me away
Hold my hand and let go slowly
Draw out the singular second we have left and then run in opposite directions

We don't have time for a lengthy good-bye
We don't have time to unlock doors so just break them down
My biggest fear is that they say we haven't tried
Hearing someone say we backed down
We don't have time to give this anything less than everything
There's no time left to give up

So just drag me away
Hold my hand and let go slowly
Draw out the singular second we have left and then run in opposite directions

This is your chance to stop the clock:
We'll meet in the middle,
Flank to the left
Can you imagine breaking down their walls?
Charge center
Synchronize our footsteps and make sure they never saw us coming
We don't have time to slow down

So just drag me away
Hold my hand and let go slowly
Draw out the singular second when time slowed down
Forget the explosions and crumbling stone-

Hold my hand and let go slowly.
Remember forgetting-
We don't have time to forget
Remember all of the times we backed down
Think that that's all over
We have a fighting chance just,

Remember the fireworks
Remember the sparks we can't see with the lights on
Remember that there are other colors being absorbed by the air
Remember that that's everything standing between me and you
-and the enemy
Remember who the real enemy is

Just drag me away
Hold my hand and let go slowly
Draw out the singular second we have left and then run in opposite directions

We don't have time to hold our hearts or fight ourselves anymore
Take aim, Soldier.
Don't wait for the sparkle in her eyes
Run away with her!

Just drag me away
Hold my hand and let go slowly
Draw out the singular second we have left and then run in opposite directions

Grab my wrist so I can grab your's
I've heard it's stronger like that
We don't have time to let go
Who the hell turned the hour glass over? * I wasn't ready*
All of the time we lost turning around in slow motion, still,
We missed each other.

So drag me away
Hold my had and let go slowly
Draw out the singular second we have left and then run in opposite directions
I don't need to watch you go again

We don't have time to fix the broken,
They don't want bandaids on their hearts, they want stitches
And we're out of thread
I couldn't hold her hand when she died, I didn't know she was dying
But you can hold mine now or you can try,
But we don't have time to fall out of step
And we sure as hell don't have time to grip at nothing so find the **** ledge!
Everything right now counts, but you are the only thing that matters

So drag me away
Hold my hand and let go slowly
Draw out the singular second we have left and then run in opposite directions

We don't have time to watch the world burn when it isn't on fire
We don't have to fail so close to winning.

Time in on our side and so are all the fireworks,
The crumbling stone,
The colors bouncing around in the air and missing our eyes
I don't know what the answer is but I know that it looks pretty when we clasp our hands together in front of the falling empire
We have time now,
Because they fell first
My biggest fear is that they say we haven't tried
Our tired hands numb in the loosened grip of each others'

So drag me away.
Grab my hand and let go slowly,
Hesitate on the ends of my fingertips,
Draw out the singular second we have left and then never let go.

Right now,
This is all I have left
This second
Is my second chance
One shot I do not want to take,
Make
Or break it.
Everything will fall apart
Or hold together
Barely
My thoughts do not make good glue
Seeing you today
Reminded me that we were once close
Talking to you reminded me
Of why we are no longer.

It quivers out of my system
In tangible shudders
And slamming heartbeats.

Some nights,
I should wake up screaming
But I know what nightmares feel like

When I walk out of my bedroom
And everybody's acting normal,
I have to remember that
They didn't know I was crying

I always play my sad songs first
So I remember that there is an absolute certainty
That someone else feels like I do

I miss the dull numbness
Right before I break down
Where I can't feel anything
At all

I hated you
I hated you more than I probably understood how to hate
I hated your green eyes and I hated all of the time I wasted staring at them
I hated how you didn't believe in me
I hated how all I was to you was a story that you didn't have to read
but hate doesn't make sense
You can't tear down a tree just because it makes oxygen
If all I was was static than maybe you learned something
Maybe you learned tbat all of those colours on the TV screen were breathing
Maybe you learned the sounds of a heartbeat other than your own
Maybe you learned that somebody could love beautifully with every cell in their body,
Even if you couldn't
Things didn't have to make sense after you
I fell just as much in love with the things I didn't know as I had with your retinas
This is what stronger looks like
All of the cursive loops that make my teachers happy
I didn't understand how to hate you,
I was lost in all these memories that drifted in and out of my bloodstream
You were in there somewhere, I think
In there with all of the things love couldn't describe
Maybe you were a clot and that's why I left you
I did a lot of leaving after you
A lot of doors closed behind me
I lost a lot of good people
I didn't know that love was going to hurt me
I didn't know that love was going to tell me that I wasn't good enough
I didn't know that love could hide for so long that I thought it was dead and still come back,
Pretending to sew up all the damage in its unexpected wake
You were supposed to be beautiful

Let's make a crown out of roses
Let's have a color war and save the tshirts
Let's build a rope swing over the river
Let's build a fort out of blankets and lock ourselves in
Let's get our faces painted
Let me write your name in glitter
Let's make a cake together
Let's walk home together
Let's find each others' faces in the clouds or the night sky
Let's paint pictures of each other
Let's decorate for the holidays and wear coordinating Halloween costumes
Let's be afraid to dress up fancy
Let's get excited over tv shows and movies and comic books
Let's go roller skating together
Let's go to Comic Con and Vidcon
Let's sneak out and have caffeine after four pm
Let's sneak out and pretend that we know what the hell we're doing
Let's be together.

Sometimes you need to walk into a thunderstorm
Sure
There is thunder
And lightning
But that will strike trees
You have to know that
You are safe where yoy stand
And then you can see
That where you stand is beautiful
The rain is wet
But wet won't hurt you
And no one can get to you
You can feel as you wish.

I dream of sitting with you
In a field of flowers
With my puppy
Or walking through a forest
To a waterfall
I know the perfect place
Have you ever broken the rules
Climbed the trees
Or strayed from the path?
We could make our own path
I'd like that very much
I'm very fond of you.

I went out
To bring my dog inside
But I got a little *******
In staring at the stars
And a little game of chase
It was nine o clock
But we didn't care
We were ******* in the stars
And the wonders they unfold