I cannot breathe.

My body will not allow me.
I cannot breathe
because anger seethes
inside of me.

I cannot smile.

My face most likely looks vile.
I cannot smile
because the style
of your profile
makes me feel vile.

I cannot speak.

The word is so bleak
and I am so weak.
I cannot speak
because the door will creak
and shriek.

I cannot love.

My heart soars above.
I cannot love
because your love
is still situated in the foxgloves.

and not me.

She asked me why I stared at her
whenever we were seated
in the same room.
Why all my attention was focused
on her, even when hers wasn't
anywhere on me.

The distressed sound of her voice
and the lost look in her eye
are what led me to answer her question.

I stare at her because she is beautiful.
Because I'm quite aware that if I don't,
she might do something spectacular
and I would've never known.

My attention is constantly focused on her
because she is a light and I am a moth,
I must seek what draws me in:
she drew me in.

Her smile and her laugh made me swoon,
made me feel light headed,
while mine did nothing to affect her at all.

I answered her question with three simple words,
I don't know
because it's better if she doesn't know
that I find her unbelievably beautiful.
that she is a light in my dim world.

It's better if she doesn't know that I love her,
that every single day is filled with me
counting down the minutes until I can see her again.

It's just better this way,
there's no heartbreak or rejection.
Call me selfish,
but I think that I'm allowed to look out
for myself.

As the evening
erodes away
into night,
I am put into terror
as I hear the last
few notes of your
favorite song.

I haven't heard it in
years.
It's beautiful actually,
I've forgotten this melody,
but secretly I listened to it
by memory
for weeks on end
after you
left me.

This terror turns into
happiness as I
see you there.
I imagined this
different.
You would be
smiling and happy again.
But no, you are
six feet under the ground now.
Your breathing has ceased,
as well as your love
for me.

And I'm fine with this,
seeing that I have
enough love for the both
of us.

I left you.

Of course you don't
realize that.

We were two puzzle pieces,
but we wouldn't fit;
you can't shove two things
together and hope for the
best.

We fought all the time
and I never cried,
you were the one that always
did that.

Correct me if I'm wrong,
but opposites don't always
attract.

In science they may,
but with people
they don't.

We were opposites,
I was calm
and you were the storm.

I was brave
and you were a coward
that hid behind closed doors.

Two people can't be together
if they can't stand each other.

I couldn't stand you.

The fond way you stared
at me made me sick.

And the way you screamed
made me *****.

I hated you and you loved me.

There was a point in time
where we were both
madly in love,
but then I stopped.

When and Where?
I don't know.

I am manipulative
and you are innocent.

These kinds of things never work.

I pity you.
It's not the pity you would think.
I pity you because you do not know
what you are doing to yourself.

You are clawing on the inside,
your brain is melting into mush.
You are trying to hard to not
burst out crying.

I pity you because you think I still love you.
I do not love anymore,
that was only for seven months.
You do not know when to
let go.

I pity you because you still love me.
Anyone who loves me should be
pitied.
Seeing that I am someone who holds on.
I hold on to things I shouldn't like;
books, movies, people, blankets, and you.

Look at me
I SAID LOOK AT ME.
I want you to remember
every detail to my quite round face.
I want you to see
the glimmer in my eyes
as I tell you about a song I'm writing.
I want you to study
how your shirt looks on me,
and how tiny it makes me.
I want you to stay,
but if you're going to leave then
remember me.
I need you to remember me even if it kills
you and me.

When you laugh
at me.
It's like you're
telling me
that I'm a
walking joke.

But somehow
I'm okay
with that

Fear; the fear of losing you.
You were like this superhero,
this superhero that had kept me alive for
so long.
You were exiting the front door and I just stayed here.
I couldn't stop you and maybe that's what broke me,
the fact that I couldn't convince you to stay.
Now I could only hope that I could remember you;
to remember the way you laughed when I said something stupid,
the way you were always there with a hug,
the way that you smelled after a shower,
or the way that your arms fit perfectly around my waist.
I would probably forget these things,
but maybe I could also forget
losing you.

We have love stories concerning us.
No one seems to know how we
broke up.
You say one thing and I say another.
I guess we disagree on many things
like how our first hug went
or the first words I said to you.
How we actually got together
the first time.

The first time,
it sounds so childish.
Three years ago you asking me
out and I accepting in pity
since the one you thought you actually
liked didn't like you back.

We've had our rough patches
and you want to be friends
but I don't know if I can do that.

You were the first person to like me
back.
To actually understand how I felt
and what I thought
and you still do.
You still hug me and I smile every time.

So I don't know what I'm doing anymore
I guess writing poems about you
when I should be trying
to just be friends
like you want.

But when I've tried so hard to not be
friends
I can't push that all away and give up
all my hard work
even if it hurts us.
I want us to work, but
you want you and someone else
to work.

You smiled at me
and the world didn't
feel so cruel.

You listened to me
and I knew I wasn't
alone.

You helped in me in so many ways
and I knew that I could
count on you.

I became clingy,
and you swore that you
loved it.

You swore you loved me.

But things change,
and these things become people,
people who hurt you,
and people who leave you.

So tell me where I'm wrong
to cry over someone I loved.

Tell me where I have mistaken
every little thing
I ever knew about
you and I.

Just tell me something
and stop boxing your emotions away
and stop hiding from me.

I'm only here to help you
like you helped me
because that's what friends do.

That's what we do.

Or did we change somewhere
in some place that I wasn't aware about.

When and where did you decide
that you didn't love me anymore?

Because I still love you
and I still care
and I hate myself for it.

People like you are wrong
and manipulate people like me.

But that never stopped us before,
so why did it now?

My love for people
is small.

I've been
kicked around,
tossed to the
ground,
and belittled
by my peers.

So becoming friends
with someone is
hard.

I push them away
and hope they'll
go away.
I hope that maybe
I can get them
to hate me
even though
I don't actually
want that.

So when I fell in love
with you
I didn't push you
away.
I held you close
as you tried to
escape.
How the tables
have turned
for me.

Too many washed up lies.
Too many sleepless nights
All I needed was a friend
But you turned into a
Nightmare
Right when I needed you

I've never been the type
of person to fall in love
when I meet them.

I usually let them do
whatever they want and
made an opinion about
them like that.

But when I met you
I wanted to know
how it felt to hold you close.
To kiss you and to sing you a
love song that reminds me of
us.

But you didn't so I grew over it.
No more feelings, but the
moment I stop you start to love me.
I'm not going to love you again.
You lost me when you told me
"I love someone else."

I joke
at a
constant.

Whether it be about
myself or nothing at all,
I still joke.

Sometimes it hurts
laughing at my self hatred
since everyone thinks I'm kidding,
hell I even think it sometimes.

But it hurts knowing that
people you care about
don't notice your
smile crumbling and
your life tumbling
until you scream it out to them
"I'm not okay."

My body is so small
so emotion comes
one at a time.

Anger is always first,
how I know what to say
to make someone
surrender the fight.

Sadness is always second,
my heart breaks when
others cry at my
hateful words so
I apologize.

Betrayal is always near the end,
you can't believe my apology
since people's emotions
don't move that fast.

Numbness is always the last one,
it remains most of the time
as I feel my friends and close ones
slipping away
like water slips through
my fingers.
It's the emotion that stays
and continues to come back
after I'm mentally exhausted
from having my world go from
nothing to three emotions in
a couple minutes.

Once I was the color blue.

The tears that fell down my cheeks,
my broken heart,
and my sadness
were the color blue
and I didn't know how to
change that.

Once I was color black.

I screamed at all times
out of anger that was
nonexistent.
I was a void who knew
how to make others
feel blue,
and I wanted to change that.

Once I was the color yellow.

I was happy with myself
and I knew that the sadness
wasn't gone,
but the blue was.
I knew that the anger was
somewhere deep inside of me,
but I knew that I wasn't
a void anymore.

I'm no longer a color.*

I am nothing,
I can be who I need to be
without having to label myself.
Once you're a color,
you'll always be that color,
but the color won't always be you.

Once Upon A Time
There was a princess who was deemed
most beautiful of them all.

She didn’t want the title,
and the title didn’t want her.
For she never felt beautiful.

Her hair hit her waist,
a burden.

Her eyelashes were too long,
a flashy comment.

Her figure was an hourglass,
a shame.

Her dresses were too tight,
a misleading statement.

The title told her to talk to the witch,
and she would know what to do.

So the princess ran to a small cottage,
to find a striking young man looking at her.

He was what the princess wanted to be.
For he was a boy, and she was stuck as a girl’s body.

“Please help me not be the most beautiful,”
the princess pleaded, offering everything she owned.

The witch looked down at her, but smiled softly.
“Are you wishing to be a prince?”

The teenage girl nodded, pleading to be so through a candle.
The hatred for her body was too much to handle.

So with a snap,
on the floor there was a handsome young chap.

He looked at himself in the mirror,
and began to cheer.

His hair was short,
a blessing.

His eyelashes were stubby,
a subtle touch.

His figure shaped as a box,
a boost in self-esteem.

His clothes fit just right,
a statement right for him.

“Prince, Jasper, must go on ahead,”
with a smile the witch said
turning into a beautiful woman.

The prince smiled brightly without vain,
not having to hear the old name.

“Thank you, for your acceptance.  This was vital,”
the young prince said before yearning a new title.

The kindest prince to ever live.

In pain there is love.
You must feel love
before you can experience
pain.

When you experience love
there will always be pain.

So why keep falling in love
or just loving someone
when we know there
will be pain?

It's because we care,
that's why we
continue to love
others.

I made a mistake last year
letting you go.
I let you say goodbye
and I keep trying to
convince you that you
still like me.

But no matter how hard I try you
don't like me.
You want me to stop being so
pathetic and for me to get a
life.

If I'm so pathetic why be my friend?
Your friends all dislike me
is that why you keep telling me no?
Maybe it's because I made the
mistake when I was 11 and
broke up with you after
your family had an incident?

It doesn't matter since I've
told you why I like you
and why you should like me
but you like another.
She lives in Japan since her father
got stationed there.
You said you might love her
but she told you she could never
like you like you like her.

So I don't get how you call me
pathetic and I'm not allowed
to do the same to you.

I miss you.
I didn't know I could,
but I'm that I'm here alone,
I know I can.

I listen to sad love songs
because they don't remind me
of you.
You were too upbeat and complained
that romance and sadness
just weren't for you.

You were a story teller,
told me how a sad pathetic girl
could actually be loved,
but not by you.

I didn't think I could miss you
because you never missed me.
It's been two months
and I've just started to miss you
and maybe it's because you
started to miss me too.

Please write me a letter,
just respond to me.
Please text me back,
I hate being ignored.
Please walk me to class,
it shows you actually care.
Please hold my hand,
but then again I don't want that.

I want attention,
and you used to give so much.
There's nothing now,
no good morning,
a rare good night.
I tell you I love you
while you don't reply.

I'm mentally exhausted
of all these tricky games.
What ever happened to
you and me against the world?
Or did that burn up in flames?

I hate the word pretty.
Every time I hear it
it's a reminder that I am
a girl.

Girls are great
and there's nothing
wrong with them,
it's just that I'm not one.

I've been stuck
in this body
looking at someone who
I no longer recognize
for so long.

I want to be handsome and cute,
not pretty.

I at least deserve something better than
pretty.

"Look at my beautiful girl."

This title is thrown at me
and I find it hard to
breathe.
You label me a girl,
I know you know no better
but it still wounds me
deeply.

"Look at* her, she's so pretty!"

You should know better
than to call me this
pronoun.
I asked kindly that you
use different pronouns
but you throw these
pronouns at me in
a taunting manner.

"You were born a girl so you are one."

I was born a human with
female genitalia.
I do not classify as a
girl or a boy.
I classify more as me,
as an
agender.

Please don't yell or shout
or tell me I'm wrong
because then you're saying
you know me better than
I know myself and
that may be true
but I don't believe
it is so.

He called me beautiful
when I wore no
makeup and wore
raggedy clothes.

He told me to never
change even though
he made me change,
just not for him.

He admired me
after I had an
anxiety attack
in the
stadium bathrooms
and stuttered while
my cheeks were
tear stained.

He told me he
would fall
in love with me
if I gave him
the chance.

I ran away
because he wanted
to be my source of
happiness
since I was his.

I ran away
because he wasn't
as accepting about
my internal struggles
like I thought
he would be.

I ran away because
dating him or anyone
has never been something
I could do.
My abilities to love are
small and delicate.
If I told him that
I loved him
he would run away,
so I ran first.

I ran and never looked back.

Our red string has is stretching too far.

You look into the world
wanting to be out there.

I want to cut it
let you go
I want you to be happy
but that won’t be with me

I snip the string
only for you to tie it back together
saying partners are commitment
while titles are not

As you smile at me,
I remember a love
I had forgot.

I hate you.
You smell of strong
cologne that she
buys you.

I see your fingers
intertwine with hers
as I
walk by you two.

No matter what happens
I'll regret falling for
you.
But yet you'll never
regret falling
for me
when we were merely
nothing.

I don't remember the first time my love came for you.
All I remember are the times I just wanted to hold you.
When you were the only one that could make me happy.
All I still know is that's still the same.

You remind me of death.
But not the kind that
people began to
romanticize.

You remind me of a
dying phone
battery since you're
always counting
down.

Or the decrease in points
at a tournament that
I never win
because you're on
the team who
won.

You also remind me of
the decrease
in light on a
cloudy day so
there's no beautiful
sunset to
admire.

You remind me of yourself.
Cold, bleak, hateful, and
shameful of your
previous mistakes.

But besides all this,
I still find time to
admire you and
find time to
fall for you,
even when we
hate each other.

The sunshine feels delightful
Upon my pale skin.

I feel the energy race through me
Like when I used to run with
My father as a kid.

I'm happy now.
I'm better now.
I'm me now.

I used to hate my reflection
But now I adore the way
My pale skin seems to grow
Freckles.
Or the way my eyes are
Asymmetrical and the color of dirt.
The way my hair has a mind of it's own.
That still bothers me
But I've grown to find it humorous.

I've grown to love my flaws
And I don't know if this is what self love is
But it's beautiful.

I'm beautiful.

It's not okay
to pull me aside
and tell me whose
wrong and right.

You ask questions
about when I realized
who I was
and what I want
to become,
when you shouldn't.

There's never really a time
you realize,
there's a time you stop
compressing
all of those thoughts and feelings.

You should feel
content
with me even telling you
who I am.
I don't need to explain
anything further,
but you claim I do.

I'm sick of every
GSA meeting being filled
with questions of my
gender and sexuality.
There's more to me.

You claim you know me,
but you don't.

You have no clue what
my favorite color is
or my favorite movie
or even know what I
love to read.

There's more to me
than a couple of titles.

You say that all you have
is your sexuality and gender,
that has to be a sad life.

I'm sorry that that's all you have.
But I have more.

I felt the wind surge through me,
pushing me down slightly.
I collided into you and my world became stable,
but not for long.

Soon enough there were fights every other day,
my world began to fade into gray.

It had been like this twice before,
although neither of them had been you,
I felt as if someone was attempting to even the score.

I thought you'd be different,
so I held on with all my **** might
only to come up empty handed
in the middle of the night.

My heart was shattered
along with my pride,
with my entire body scattered,
I cried.

I cried out some nonsense,
but then I cried out to you
only to have no correspondence.

Sometimes I forget
what my third period is.

Sometimes I forget
when my best friend's
birthday is.

Sometimes I remember
embarrassing moment
when I was younger.

Sometimes I remember
the pain I was in
while dating you.

Standing in a place
unaware of the people
that could hurt you.

Standing at home
unaware of all
the battles within
the walls.

Standing in the bathroom
deciding on whether you
should stay alive.

You silenced us
Ruined my trust

No longer on your mind
But you're still on mine

Why did you ruin this
Why did you let us kiss

Alone we were
on this Sunday afternoon.

I was crying and
so were you.

'I love you's
poured from our lips
trying to reassure the other,
but mostly ourselves.

Soon rain poured upon us
like our tears poured
upon our cheeks.

And we knew that God was
saying sorry for making
me have to leave.

You are a fool.
In one month's time
I bet you will be
heartbroken.

I warned you
countless times.
I threatened you
more than necessary.

I just want you
to be happy,
but you believe
you love her.

It's a shame really,
that you're this
blinded.

You will not be happy,
all you're doing is
grasping at temporary
affection.

And all temporary affection
leaves you with is
a bad taste
in the back of your
mouth.

My mother warned me about love when I was younger.
She told me that true love comes when you're older.
I didn't believe her because I thought that I was in love.
I thought that he was the one and that he would always
love me.

Now here we are three years later and I don't know my
emotions.
One moment he is this beautiful human being
And the next moment he's tearing me apart with his words.
He doesn't love me and I don't think I love him.
It's a battle between us, trying to be friends and then pushing
the other one away out of fear of falling again.

He doesn't know about the love letters that I write in my mind.
He'll never know about the countless texts I nearly sent him.
And I sure as hell know that he will never like me again
so why do I keep liking him?

I befriended you and thought that maybe
it would be a cute little
friendship.

I didn't know that I would like you,
I can't foresee things like that.
But you apparently think I can.

I told you my feelings
and you told me that
we couldn't be friends
since it made you
uncomfortable.

I guess me being me made you
uncomfortable.
I did the harmless flirting that I do to
all of my friends.
I told you I liked you because
I couldn't keep my emotions in.
And then I let you walk all over me
because **** it had to have been my fault
right?

I was wrong to think it was right of you
to hurt me like you did.
I'm not bad guy here seeing that I can't help
who I care for.
I tried to make it up to you by apologizing.
But honestly I didn't want to,
I wanted to stand up for myself
but fear consumed me.

So I'm once again I'm that
defenseless little girl
that everyone knows
and loves.