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586 · Jul 2014
Thoughts on Life
Raquel Butler Jul 2014
I always had this idea of a perfect life,
getting into the perfect university and meeting 'the one',
getting a well paying job and having a big family,
but somewhere I got lost in a deep pit of self-desire,
my hopes and dreams slipping away into a darker and more adventurous,
tumultuous and chaotic free-spirited rebel;
All i want now is to try new foods,
meet new people and make amazing friends,
I want to travel and have fun,
I  just want to live large
and buy a one-way ticket far away and not come home .
577 · Aug 2015
When
Raquel Butler Aug 2015
When did I get this way?
Was it my first lapse in judgement?
Was it the first time I was so terrified of going to school
I had a panic attack?
Was it the first time I pulled?
Was it on any of the numerous nights I broke down
alone and afraid of who I was?
When did I get this way?
It scares me to know I've been this way forever.
570 · Jun 2016
opposites?
Raquel Butler Jun 2016
you:
humor used to disguise,
your vacuous lies,
a smile seemingly bright,
a knife stabbing my insides.

sarcasm used to disguise,
my wrung out insides,
chopped cropped lob,
cleansing me of your scorn.
me:
read it either way, it makes more sense top to bottom tho
541 · Sep 2014
9/11 Thoughts
Raquel Butler Sep 2014
I've been wondering how to put this into words for months,
the aching feeling of missing something you haven't quite experienced,
how to long for something like you've had it before but never have,
I've come to the conclusion that I'm either suffering from a mild case of 'your crazy',
or the much realer and scarier version of my thoughts,
I have become homesick of a home I have yet to venture to,
and after much thought I feel this must be true,
but the scary thing is that I still have not a clue what to do.
538 · Jul 2017
apologies
Raquel Butler Jul 2017
All I hear is you you you
and never of me me me.
Never an I’m sorry,
Never an apology.
You speak of what I’ve done to you,
but what you’ve done to me?
I’m sorry I've hurt you,
*but are you sorry you’ve hurt me?
As always, I let the "art" speak for me.
534 · Jul 2016
anxiety
Raquel Butler Jul 2016
Why don't you talk more?
well... you see i-i
You're so quiet, you probably hate everyone.
no actually, i prefer to observe due to my crippling anxiety but-
You're getting so red, calm down!!
i'm trying to, but I'm having trouble catching my breath...
I always used to think you were a *****, but you're actually really nice!
thanks...I think?
So, do you wanna hang out this weekend?
sure let me just check with my mom
You ready to go?
uh actually my mom needs me at home, I'm so sorry!
Hey, we haven't talked in forever we need to hang soon.
yeah let me know when
TBH we used to be close, but idk what happened...
yeah, I really miss you :(
a dialogue- internal reaction poem about how my anxiety often pushes people away
522 · Aug 2018
acceptance
Raquel Butler Aug 2018
I find it oddly reassuring,
to consume art that consists of sorrow.
The ability to create from a place of
deep distress,
to put words to feelings that go unnoticed.

There is comfort in knowing that
you are not alone in this,
that there are some who feel
the plight in your bones.
To not shy away from the hurt
that you feel,
To look inside yourself and
find that you are
not always happy to be here.

There is comfort in acknowledging
that you have been broken,
in understanding all the ways in
which you have been seared into.

Once you have felt comfort in
your darkest depths,
Once you have faced what has
pained your soul,
This is when you can finally
begin to heal.
522 · Sep 2016
Untitled
Raquel Butler Sep 2016
I tend to get lost some times,
not in a take a left turn and end up in the next state sense.
In the sense that I get distracted.

And by this I mean I get so attached to new interests and hobbies,
I immerse myself so fully other pieces that dont quite fit disintegrate.
In this sense: being so passionate about many things I lose myself in the process,
I take 12 left turns to get back to square one.

However I always find square one,
no matter how far I am from my original destination,
I always find a way to fit the pieces together so these aspects integrate.
But these moments are few and far between,
I am always disconnected finding my matching edges,
and there are times I try and cut my corners to mold myself into a puzzle.

It can be hard to see myself clearly in these moments,
I can seem distant and angry,
depressive and unnattached.

Because when your edges are being stuffed into a box to small or too large,
you struggle to find a sense of normalcy.
You're being pushed and pulled apart,
to fit a shade that isnt yours,
expecting to find a color that matches your tone.

But you will find your tone.
Maybe not today or next month,
or even in 5 years,
but puzzles were meant to be solved,
and nothings impossible if you just find the courage to keep trying.
You will find your edges,
your pieces will be one.
518 · Dec 2015
Untitled
Raquel Butler Dec 2015
You asked me why I'm sad,
and I responded,
because I'm mad.
just frustrated and distressed
475 · Jul 2017
tired
Raquel Butler Jul 2017
I am tired of the notion
That my bad days outnumber my good
Because I am not trying to improve
I am tired of having to explain
How I feel
Why I feel
Why I don’t
I am tired of you saying you want to understand
Of you wanting to hear every detail,
No thoughts left unsaid
I am tired that when I begin to let you in
You start to pull away
You say my heart is too dim
I am tired
Of everyone telling me to stay
When they don’t want to deal
With the worst parts of me
I am tired of the notion
That expressing
That releasing
Is seen as romanticizing
When all I want is for it to go away
There is nothing ******* romantic about this
I want to get better.
I was scrolling through a friends Tumblr, and I saw a post bashing mentally ill people so I decided to write, because it makes me so ******* angry NOBODY wants to feel like this. I'm tired of the notion that we do.
451 · Aug 2017
phantom pen
Raquel Butler Aug 2017
I have so much to write about
yet nothing to write.
My fingers yearn for the feeling
of the keyboard
of an ebony pen
yet my mind does not deliver.
Like a misfire,
like a limb long since missing
writing has become a
foreign name
I can only remember.
Raquel Butler Sep 2019
I want to be your best friend
I want to lay on our backs staring at the ceiling
talking about everything and nothing
contemplating the meaning of life
thinking about what we had for breakfast
and remembering what we did last summer.
I want to be your best friend
I want to show up unannounced
and be welcomed home
invited to the dinner table
asked how my family is doing
fitting in right where we left off.
I want to be your best friend
I want to say whatever is on our mind
to be light and unrestrictive
hold your hand when you’re sad
calm you down when you're upset
wipe your tears and make you laugh right after
forever.
I want to be your best friend
I want to be your best friend
I want to be your best friend
433 · Apr 2016
Fire
Raquel Butler Apr 2016
I burn everything I touch,
without intention,
without prejudice,
without control,
I burn everything,
even myself.
me me me lol sorry i just ruined something and I hate myself!!!
420 · Jul 2016
unraveling
Raquel Butler Jul 2016
I find myself unable to take myself seriously.
Meaningless words bubble from my lips like a spilt teapot consuming the unused space below,
My voice is eerily vacant of any tone,
any sign that I might feel alive is mute and unknown.
My writing filled with banal rhymes to appease my status quo.
Desperately my fingers fly across the keyboard desperate for some substance,
but all I hear is tap tap tap...then silence.
I suppose I could analyze the deeper meanings here, but my brain is hardwired to avoid my problems and all my analysis brings tears.
Because everything I see or touch or consume
reminds me of how my emptiness is a show
my feelings anchored to a place I do not yet know.
The meaning of this poem just sort of unraveled as I wrote it and I liked where it went.
410 · May 2015
You won't Know
Raquel Butler May 2015
You ask me why im so quiet,
maybe its from the hours spent at
home trying to get my opinions heard
under a shaking voice only to be yelled at
and told I am wrong.

When you wonder why we never hang out
or why I don't tell you anything too personal
don't take it personally, I've seen enough to know
that people you care about don't stay around
forever, people die and friends leave you.

And when people are shocked that I've never
been in love they don't know the hours I've
spent healing the wounds of friends with
broken hearts and reassuring my cousin
that she is in fact loved.

You don't know what it takes to drag myself
out of bed in the morning or how I take a 4 hour nap after
school because school drains the life out
of me.

You don't feel the constant fear
of public speaking, of even talking to a
teacher makes me tremble inside.

You don't know because I don't let
you know know, because I can't,
because letting you know means letting myself
be vulnerable to even more pain and stress.

You won't know because I've been open before,
and I've been hurt.
felt like it needed to be said
409 · Feb 2015
"It's whatever"
Raquel Butler Feb 2015
It's whatever I say,
Just to get through the day,
In my jaded view,
My problems diminish into blurs,
Its whatever.
389 · Jul 2014
Untitled
Raquel Butler Jul 2014
I wish I knew what it feels to live,
to be happier than ever,
to cry about life experiences not about wanting them,
to live carefree without pressure,
the gentle rays of the sun washing in on a peaceful slumber,
the chaotic chatter of the cars and traffic,
and about loving,
more than anything,
I want to feel alive.
383 · Sep 2014
Need
Raquel Butler Sep 2014
I don't want normal
and easy and simple,
I want a painful,
difficult, life changing
devastating, passionate
extraordinary life.
359 · Aug 2014
Untitled
Raquel Butler Aug 2014
the thing that really ***** about betrayal,
is that its always by someone you love
no matter how small or big,
psychical or emotional
it still packs the same punch
it still hurts like hell
and it still leaves you sad, broken, and alone.
332 · Sep 2014
The Eternal Battle
Raquel Butler Sep 2014
There are two sides to this eternal battle,
the beauty and the brains,
I once thought that I would be happy with the beauty,
but once i grew and became blessed with this gift it felt like something
I hadn't earned but quite like something i received in an unfair game of "whats your number",
I began to feel different then the rest of my crowd,
I began to lust and think and want and see things in a new light,
I had become an outcast
Trapped in a strange paradox known as the in between
somehow I left behind my beauty but still retained it and went in search of the brain,
I have yet to collect all the pieces of this masterpiece,
but in a strange irony I had begun to realize the Eternal Battle isn't a Battle between people and people,
but it is a struggle between self and self,
once you come to accept the gift of the struggle the struggle becomes you in a way that only you can decide is true to you.

— The End —