If the icebergs are melting away
How come my mother-in-law
Is still intact?

I bought an interocitor and put it in my phone
Now I'm getting messages from galaxies unknown

Klaatu said Gort is broken down and waiting for some parts
From beyond the outer limits, not found on any charts

The Borg said they'll assimilate, 'tis futile to resist
The Thing said it would vegetate upon my groc'ry list

Teenagers from outer space we're in the Twilight Zone
The Blob said it could split in half to make itself a clone

The Robinsons still lost in space, forevermore to roam
Outer space invading soon, and ET phoning home

Arrakis said the planet Earth must meet the Guild's demands
Or Dune would send its giant worms to eat Saharan sands

For fear we'll be invaded and my body snatched away
And all the dreadful thoughts I've had, it's time for me to say

I've put my cosmic calls on hold because, for what it's worth,
I'm getting all the flack I need from good old planet Earth.

Where diamonds tumble down a mountain stream,
Heaven's torn asunder by an angel’s scream,
A poem to show her my love sublime,
Every word, every verse, every line, every rhyme.
But when I write it down it turns out like this,
Because really I just want her to show me her ****.

For my birthday he gifted me:
Several packets of salt to gargle my throat,
Rolls of tissue paper,
Vitamin C  tablets
Sanitizers,
Masks and dettol sprays.
I love you tons and tons,
Be safe for me.
16/3/2020

When looking for a new doctor
For me the best of all
Is one that's overweight and a smoker
And reeks of alcohol

We don't have a dog because we live in rented accommodation,
    So my wife put on a spotted onezie and became a dalmatian,
    With a diamante collar and a matching faux-leather lead,
    I walked her to the park where squatting she peed,
    And was chasing thrown sticks running on all four,
    When she was unexpectedly mounted by an elderly labrador.

I waved my arms and shouted but didn't know what to do,
As the local pack, arriving, formed a disorderly queue,
A lurcher, some spaniels and an ambitious pekingese,
Took turns as she braced herself on her hands and knees.
Then delighted by the freedom of unmuzzled fornication,
She left me for a policewoman -
Who owned a very large alsatian.

A jogging man from Bude
was most incredibly rude
being greatly endowed
but imprudenly proud
he did something silly
he trod on his willie
now he's never about in the ****.

TOBIAS

Have you ever liked someone so much you regret meeting them?

You're insisting to meet me in a battle of wits
And are woefully oblivious to the fact you are unarmed
I don't want to battle
But backing down isn't in my DNA
I'll outwit you every day

William makes fruit shake,
William takes pears,
William puts pears in juicer,
William Shakespeare.

Neil arms weak,
Neil goes to gym,
Neil does dumb bells,
Neil Armstrong.
18/5/2020

(Sitting on Santa's lap)

Me: "I want a dragon"
Santa: "Nope, too dangerous"
Me: "Ok, then I want a boyfriend"
Santa: "What color dragon?"

You came to stay
from the very first day

And I let you in
Cause with you, I felt peace within

You bring me happiness
when I am buried in sadness

you can make me smile anytime
as if i've made lemonade of life's lime

But my goals you inhibit
Cause you make me addicted

And I'll fight, fight and resist
to let myself taste a little bit

But once again I fail
another one you win

A process I thought I was gonna nail
but this feeling of a sin
is just going up the scale

The perfect mix of good and bad
Is litterally the best thing I've ever had

In this zone, with just you and me
I hope that none else will see

How many tablespoons I ate

Of the most delicious chocolate spread

A leprechaun told me, “I hear
It’s riches you’d like to appear.
Since I don’t exist,
My *** of gold’s mist —
You’d better keep writing, my dear!”

Not all relationships will lead to marriage, some will help you discover new restaurants.

Flutter of the heart
often
Takes me to a trip of
emotional gutter