I caught a solar flare

It tore somewhere between your words
And my impending despair

You see I was taught to watch the world in three dimensions
To view life in bold colour

Yet sometimes
All I need are your black and white letters upon a flat page

I was the only challenge I really needed
It was you who told me;
I didn't have to be what they want.

I saw a star burst behind that flare,
Its silent explosion was beautiful within its destruction
And I questioned whether life ended there;
Or whether it was creation.

It turns out that I am lost without you.

There was an astronaut
...I believe
Caught between the flare and his own implosion on the outskirts of the explosion.
I watched him disintegrate,
His dust formed its own miniature universe
And when everything settled down
He was still there.

I thought about you
As the stardust in my eyes

As the droplets of ink

As the correlation of all the far reaches

We are three dimensional.
We are colour
Riding the cusp of a solar flare
On the verge of destruction
Yet,
At the birth of creation.

We are the stardust that lingers in the eyes of life.

I fail to see any other reality than us.

Hovering finger
Unsteady upon its own button.

The shake of daily grind
Brings it closer.

No more steadying sensibilities
The last voice has filled an overcrowded head

And with a final sigh

We hit self destruct

I thought;
….. In moments of hope
There was something special in the root of my psyche.
(There was no inspiration left)
When eyes closed and hearts shut down
And my body became lost to the wrap of choking scarves
For migration into blank canvas months
I ceased to exist.

I was the death of character
Homeless
A beautiful flower deserted in a dead field
When.
I became.
Alone.
For was my desolation the finding of my solace?
Or merely the comfort of my own depression
Self-centred.
Abandoning.
No more need for niceties.

Chained to a vinyl that spun with a process of blurred vision
Beaten skin
Bruised ego
Was the last verse of the last song written solely for me
If I play it backwards
Would I hear my name
Repeated
Slowly.
Calmly.

I thought there was something special in my psyche
The ability to help
The strength for others.

Yet as my head hangs low
I see only my silent soul

I stood in the night
Single cigarette sizzling towards the tremble of my fingers

I miss you.

Stars dance in the haze of teared eyes
As the moth flirts in the amber hum of a distant street light.

I focus on its centralised nebula
Its burst of heated shades, its distant sun beams.

Looking down upon the single star in my hand.

This is where I would pass to you, for the final breath.
Yet you are only in the stars.  
Within a sky we have prayed towards so many times.

I love you.
For even without you,
You are forever within me.

Scattered cracked black pepper
The Remnants of a final meal
Lie as ashen memories of taste
Lurking reminders of that which has been
Transferred from cheep china to the lips of a lover
Upon the cusp of a final goodbye
The lingering heat left only to serve as a slate to clean.
How every bite savoured a crunch of hope
Leaving room only for reality
A dessert that cannot be stomached
falsified sweetness to not be considered 'the finer things'
When taste has changed to exotic flavouring
Fork etchings and caveman paintings in sweet chilli;
Timeline a love that can not be erased
It seeps into the cracks of tomorrow's aftertaste
Surrounding the words upon which exhaled breath proclaims
I miss you.
In silence as the sound of a solitary bowl creates no further filling nor satisfaction
Last nights plates remain within the cupboard
The flavour of every meal they have ever seen remain
It is their history
Whatever the future may be

As the last flick switches electric hum in to silence
Stealing light from the darkened day
I lie blinded and deafened to my own excuse for escape

Under a barren blanket
I see only a singular image
A solitary thought
You, and the repeating words

I miss you, I love you
I miss you, I love you

Wherever you go
You never leave my head

We were the cusp of devastation
The bellicose swell of encroaching emotional tides
The slaves bound by opposing grip
Sealed within our very silence
With screaming eyes
Layered in film ripples, reflected responses
walking in reverse to the natural pull of the tilting magnetism
The earth turning in anti-advancement
As history repeats to a murmur of distant hope.

I stripped to the bone for you
Tore shackles and shame from its death grip
Left to choke within a brooding storm of love
It was reckless abandonment
Orphaning myself from the last leap of faith
As I laid waste to unresolved anti-satisfaction
As we clashed
As we ripped at each other
As we broke the final glass ceiling with our thrown stones
Jagged words sharpened into hidden shivs

The destruction was beautiful
It was the meteorites that fell from the fire sky
It was the crackle of simmering embers in the morning
A reminder that there was still a spark left
That within the gentle curls of smoke
There was oxygen that breathed, even when I stopped

Yet

I was lying
Lying for the sake of memory
Lying to myself
And lying to you.

I was the pressure pit of a filling gas canister
And you were the loose connection
Bound to my poison
Powerful upon your weakened state
And presidential within your collapsing city walls
You needed me
Because I told you so
I needed no one
That is why I both loved you
And loathed you
The reminder of my broken home
I as the shadow of my father
Looming over you
Puppeteering my wrist
Striking you as the wash against cliff face
Cleansing my history within its repeat

The devastation was beautiful
You were beautiful
Until I destroyed you
And punished you for letting me.
There's never been a moment
That I haven't looked upon you with sympathy
Pity
And somewhere
Somewhere inside
I know I shall eventually let you breathe
When the ocean calms
And the rocks are nothing more than sand
When the fresh footing of another feels you between their fingers
When your castle walls are built in firmer moulds
When the moon pulls me away
When the magnetism of emulation no longer holds me within its anger

Maybe I will say sorry
Maybe nothing at all.
Just watch you
Watch you walk away.
The day I realise I will always love you;
It will be the reason I set you free.

Why do I sometimes feel so lost
When even at my kitchen table I no longer recognise the walls decorated in history.
Sometimes I curse the music that ricochets from amp to ear  
For it cannot drown out the sound of my own head
As we sit in an internal silent battle
The voice stirs its last cackle
Its witches brew of smouldering self doubt

When did I start to put so much pressure on myself?
Was it before or after I lost all confidence.
Am I the reason for my own demise
Or the only one who sees me for who I am
Why are some days different
Why.

It is everywhere
The shadows of stretching retching black fabric
Covering the bones and eyeing the sorrow growing
It is disease and distress, at frayed edging
Cloaking, grim reaper standing
Lusting after the healthy
Its shadow stalking in the happiest memories
A midnight watcher, the anti-hero
The detective, detecting from inside the mirror glass eyes
Under the hood, behind the shutter, waiting for, surprise

I am but a bed ridden snippet of life
Found in carnal knowledge, lost in shadow and shameful abandonment
And when the world calls time
He has found me
The figure
The shadow
The stalker
Creeping, showing over my bed
Fingers reaching and creating upon my body
A spiders web, of patchwork skin and slithering rivers of meandering memory

(exhale)

Silhouetted figure, not unlike
A Film noir platform hanger
I can almost see the footsteps in the clouded smoke, arousing from the tracks
Hair that swings like a curtain call on a show ending
A chance for reminiscing
Too late, in memory, this shan't happen
Is regret all that is left, at the end of this disparaging journey

Over cloaked, and choked, with the thinnest of thread veiling my eyes
Lined up with your cries
I no longer see you, for it is spirit that keeps my smile
Not the attempts at keeping good humour that ricochet from wall to wall
The verbal game of squash, and I do not need to know what the world is wanting for dinner
I just need the satisfaction of completing an unfinished thought.

Breathing, keep breathing
I am blackened, no longer in breath
The midnight watcher, stalker
Retrieved the soul, of another
Black curtain, descending
The play, now ending

The second I spoke
I heard myself through the look in your eyes
When did I become so distant
That I am now the self-centred attraction of your pupil’s reflection
No more do I see the interchanging colours
The door to your soul
Where I am
And you are
And we are
Through

Not so long ago you held me close
A comfort blanket for your woes
Though when did I become so rough
That you choose to wriggle and wrench from out my arms
No more mutual embrace
Body connectives
Now I am
And you are
And we are
Through

Speak to me in silence
When tone of death stare is enough to remind me of the jobs I should have done
When did we become so lazy
That we allowed spoken sentiment to dry up
Replaced by quips and sarcasm
Communicating only
That I am
And you are
And we are
Through

Yes I am through with second guessing emotion
And you are through with needy wanting
We are through with petty squabbling
We are through with dry expression

I am through with you
Just as you are through with me
However we, most importantly
Are finally through with ‘we’

I open my eyes, to warm tea by my bedside
It tells me that you love me
You rose before I
Already welcoming the day,
Feeding the birds and having your cigarette in the dawn
Because you know I’d rather not see you smoke,
But I do not mind that you do.
As we eat our breakfast to the sound of radio 2
I attempt to beat my top score on the morning quiz
You chuckle to yourself at how silly I am for getting frustrated because I am sure it was the right answer
I insist on washing the dishes whilst you sit with a coffee
But then you dry them and insist that I now sit.
As mid-morning approaches, we walk, hand in hand to the shop
Like every day
To buy fresh milk, and bread and something for dinner.
We comment on how the local pond is looking untidy
And stop to pick up some litter we see antagonizing the ducks

The afternoon spent in the sunshine of our garden
As I dig the vegetables and you tend to the potted plants
Watch the birds flirt with each other around the pond
Today is Friday, fish day. The day we’ll eat our tea from our laps, like every Friday
Then while away the evening, in silence, relaxing from the day
My arm reaching over to your chair, holding your hand, and there it stays
Until bedtime
as we swap books and turn out our lights at the same time.
Saturday comes, repeating Friday, it is what we do
it is familiar, and comfortable.
Today, I work on my wine making
as you sit opposite me, cross stitching, in silence.
Tonight we shall catch up on the latest foreign drama
Swap competed books at bedtime
and read, until we both turn out the lights.
Together
Sunday.
We sit, in church, with hand upon hand
And give thanks
For the last time
With your final breath taking you to your knees, to the floor, out of my arms

Tonight I eat dinner alone
Your bed side light does not get turned off
Because you are not there to turn it on
I finish my book, ready to swap with you, but you haven’t finished yours yet
And as I wake there is no tea by my bed. But I imagine it there
Taking two bowls from the cupboard, and putting one back
When you do not hear my breakfast call
And I wonder whether I should touch your plants
Or put away your cross stitched pattern
And I still cook enough for two
Still rest my hand upon your chair
But you are not there
There is a change to the silence
I miss the silence we shared
I miss the fact that we embraced what we liked,
No matter how boring our lives seemed to others
To us it was special
Garden centers were our excitement
Each other was our comfort
I don’t know how to feel comfortable without you silently by my side.

I try to hide how you make me feel
Teach myself a brave face and honest smile
Though my muscles tire of being forced in opposing directions
The power you hold rips felt like spirit and soddens saddened soul

I wrap myself in layers of woollen protection to hide the scars
Though anyone can see the bloodied oozing of my constant carpet burn.
It seeps from out my eyes as I look with glazed pretence
It slips between whispered words in silent cries of lies

For too long have you dragged me behind
Kept me to the fallen floor
Where once it was soft; I closed my eyes and hugged its warm plush for comfort.
Now, it becomes bare
Rough and damaging
Itching my bones
And exposed to its body of sandpaper I waste away.

I wait for you to realise
To remember I am there
Pick me up and make me better like you did in the days before I angered you
Alas, you only ever look back when telling me it’s where I belong.

I follow your lead
Unable to break myself from your grip
Deathly departed in soulless belief
Why do I still believe in you?

Is this obsession?
Possession that I feel
Or simply the oxygen burn of my fire for you.
Is this how I am destined to see you?
Through eyes disturbed by my own historic fears
When I envisage better fingers upon your skin
A satisfaction I fear I could never achieve.
Is this defence?
My worry that soon I shall be the mundane
That makes you seek the excitement of another’s mystery.

Jealousy does not come from distrust
For I have never doubted the integrity of who you are
I am jealous of actions, not people
The looks, the contact
Elongated conversations
The freedom to be able to say yes
Inhabiting the same space
To share an embrace

I imagine the world looks upon you as I do
With desire and uncontrolled emotion
Where I am the least deserved suitor
And everyone else has more to offer than I
I fear the imagination in my mind
And how it can hurt me more than you
When I shall shrink until you no longer see me
Under the weight of my own self-deprecation;
Eventually leading you into someone else's arms who remind you of who I once was before I became no one

Yet the truth remains
That it is only without you that I am no one.

Within the swirl of a dry white
Its reflection of tear drop etchings
The crack of an ice cube against warm gin
Inside the heat of *** spice
I am reminded of you

Between the sleeves of pressed vinyl
Inside its gatefolded impressionism
The hushed thoughts hidden against the words between the words
Within the gravel of a voice in blue
I am reminded of you

Lost in the folds of dog-eared literature
A finger under a delicate dust-cover
The first reading of Graham Greene, circled quotations of love
Formed body of text read in your voice
I am reminded of you

Awakening aroma of peppermint
Livening lift of lemon and ginger
Streaming in the spice of Thai latte infusions
The sweet taste of apple crunch
I am reminded of you

In everything, I see you.
It is the reason I look

When did it start?
When words fell upon deafened ears.
Honest sentiment was but a mirage
Kindness stripped and mangled within the shards of a broken mind

When did kidding myself that I am who I thought I was became an over bearing fantasy,
That life could treat me well
When I knew all along that the self deprecating reality of the world,
would show me I have nothing to offer

How did I allow myself to feel strength in self worth
Knowing the humiliation of being the joke to everyone's comedic stance;
On how to be human
How to be a man
How to be normal.

When did it start?
When love was something to fear
Fighting the self fulfilling prophecy of inevitable knowledge
That I will lose all that I hold with frayed heart strings.

I fear the day that they will all snap at once
When there will no longer be a safety net
When the only comfort I feel is the reality that in my fall, the darkness never ends

Today I am an invisible rolling tear
Heavier than a stone on the cusp of a cliff face
Looking out over oceanic views
Awaiting the topple.
If I found a flower today
In a walk in the rain
It would be the strength that holds me in its petals
For there is no force that could make me crush its spirit
To stop me in my self destructive momentum
All I need is its beauty in my path

(Voice 1-male)
This is not living
This sitting, nightly arrangement
Its purpose of entertainment
How could I care for the world around if I cannot hear it, touch it, taste it for myself?
We watch the same screen from opposite ends of the world
You have the best seat and I allow it, so you don't miss out
And we fill the void between us with empty crisp packets and the last dregs of a lonely can.
Once not so long ago
You would rest your legs over mine and consume the space.
And although I complained,
I never once minded, not really.

(Voice 2-female)
I wish you would touch me
Like you used to
Before we stagnated somewhere between Eastenders and Big Brother.
The way you would run your fingers up and down the soles of my feet.
Before work piled on the pressure
And you became too tired to tell me about your day
I remember when we didn't need the tv,
When our entertainment was the sound of each other’s voices,
Or the crackle of vinyl as we made love under its arches of sound,
Upon this very sofa
Where we now sit in awkward silence, together, yet apart.

(Voice 1-male)
I wish you still asked me about my day,
Even though I may not answer because I don't want to bring you down
Still it would be nice to know you cared.
I wish that remote would separate itself from our relationship,
Instead of being our adulterant, as we use it for the only pleasure between us.
I wish that at the end of the night, you would sit with me in silence,
The way we used to
Just wrapped in each other’s arms
The only entertainment we needed then,
Was listening for the moment our heartbeats synchronised
I wish we could have that again
Instead of you going to bed without so much as a good night kiss.

(Voice 2-female)
I wish you would follow me to bed
Instead of wallowing in front
Of your latest boxset conquest
You don't even say goodnight
As if I am doing you a disservice
And i wish you knew that in bed I cry
Longing for you to be as enthralled by me
As you is the TV.
When was our bed no longer the source of entertainment?

(Voice 1-male)
I wish you knew that I cry when you go to bed
Missing the time
When we were more important than sleep.
I wish I could turn off the television
I wish I could turn off my mind.
But I see that you no longer want me,
Or have any interest in me
When all I need is for you to ask
How are you?
Throw your arms around me
Take me away from the world
I need no other entertainment than that
Most of all
What I wish
Is that we could silence the world
And just be honest
And see that we are not that different
We are the same as we used to be
Before television took the life
Out of you and me
I wish, just for once, we would talk

There is a point at which I want to sleep
When the ashes of yesterday’s fires still burn embers of memories
Clinging to my lungs as a thickening tar
I take the words that cover false sentiment
Using them as kindle to keep the fire alive
Allowing it to burn me, deconstruct my organs
Until I am nothing more than entertainment for you
Lifeless, worthless
A **** of jokes
A **** to stamp out and extinguish

I lay lost under a pile of incoming papers
Stacked news of inspirational stories that fail to resonate.
The words drip upon my face
And slip through my fingers
Yet the sentences wash away
With the confidence you drain from me
Until I know that I am only what you make me
An anecdote of anti-man cliché
A burden,
An unnecessary use of space

I am no longer here
For I can no longer look into your eyes
They are drained of the life you once pictured
And replaced with an alternative lifestyle to my own
How I cannot let you look into mine,
For I know they no longer shine for you
Like when I held an expectation of what I hoped love would be
And told myself that this was it

When I lied

When I lied to myself
And I lied to you

When I tried to be the person you wanted
And cut my limbs to shape your needs
Fitting for friends and family commentary
Because, simply because, I wanted someone to say I love you
Even if you didn’t mean it
I shouldn’t have lied
Wasting your life, for so long convincing myself, and the world that we were fine
That I am the problem, not you, not us

But it was always us that was the problem

When there was nothing left
After I lived so long nocturnally in the darkness
And learnt to walk blind
My eyes shined again
They shine brighter, like they have shone for the first time
I have finally been born to an understanding of love
And not even you can take that away
I place that light around me
Within the darkness of this home
Though it isn’t your light to share
And I fail to feel guilty for that
For it is the light that now makes me
I use its brightest beams to look at myself and say that;
Yes, I deserve more
And that you deserve more
And that we, deserve more than each other

Sometimes the only guilt I feel, is that I don’t feel guilty at all

Sometimes I walk with heavier steps
When I feel the claustrophobic push of gravity weigh down upon me.
It feels as if I know the clouds are coming
Before the skies darken
And the air pressure thickens
I predetermine the outcome of my adventures
Through smokey *** curtains I see a future I fear
The self-fulfilling prophecy of stifling my own pace
By saying I am not good enough for you
Eventually you will tire of my jealously,
My overreaction.
It is in my nature to destroy the happiness I can see in front of me
To burn the path that leads to open arms
Arms that belong to a destiny that says
It could be us.

I am scared.

I am scared that I cannot accept what is the right way
That I am ageing into the mundane
And soon you will see
That you have so much life to live
Outside of my trapped stance

I am scared

That the clouds will part and the sun will shine
And blind you into forgetting me
As my warmth becomes suffocating
And you shred off the layers of pain that comes from loving me.
There is a dense sense of empathy;
For the broken poet only shines within the thoughts of his muse.
So who do I become,
When not in your comfort?
A shell. A breeding ground of irrational thinking
Though above these thoughts
The dampening worry of loss
And self humiliation of kidding myself
Comes one overwhelming thought.
...
I miss you.

You are not the clouds
You are the ground
The path I want to tread
The uneasy route that I deserve to find.
That an ongoing adventure, unknown and excitedly scary
Will keep me young, and alive
With the happy ending
In fairy tale promise that I dream we read together
In arms of embracing mental privilege and togetherness
At ease with the decisions we share
At ease with the comfort of each other.

My love is not that of fiction.
I did not find you within the pages of romance works
Or the flicker of black and white buzz.
I found you falling into my life
Like the gentle pour of refreshing rain on a close autumn eve, in darkening days.
I found you as natural kinship,
As the understanding of understanding why;
Life is worth living.

And I am scared.

I am scared of how I can view the world when I lose you.
When I can no longer see the world through the reflection in your eyes.
When my steps again grow heavy
And I have nowhere to go.

I love you,
Like you love me
There is no ending
Yet I fear the end.
I will forever fear losing you
Until the day I lose you
When my fear is too overpowering.
When the only steps i take are those over beaten ground
When I trample the last of my confidence
When I push you away, when I can no longer bear to see you hurt because of my love.
When you realise
That You deserve better than me
And I don't deserve you at all.

The lighter breath of air
Sends shivers through the spine of weeping willows
As dragonflies flirt with kindle crackle
I sit somewhere under the arch of Orion
Surveying all that is mine
Blink one, on
Blink one, off.
It is lonely in the dark
Yet, here in the solitary freedom
I freely think of her
So I may be lonely;
Though I am not alone

There is a civilised glow to the horizon
As I shrink with the Jetstream of those little lights
Blink one on, blink one off
Blink two on, blink two off
I am my own trail of smoke
En route from the burning tip of a slowly decaying cigarette
How the paper wrap burns under a heavy breath
Conceding to my need of escape
Dancing in rings around the wisp of haunted words and subtle strings

I find hope in the sky that looks upon us both
Lowering clouding allowing me inside its gentle comfort
Carrying me north,
With the distant sound of memories converging as a guidance runway,
Blink one on, Blink one off
Blink two on, Blink two off

Home, within sleep, within the air
You draw breath and take me in
The seagulls are silent in honour of your first sleep
As life assimilates dream
The brain picks into memory
Extracting the clouds, leaving stars
The belt of the archer as secret camouflage of the world around.
We are dandelions, free from anchors
Sailing through the tips of reeds and listening to their silent hum in the breeze
We sail on swan back and climb interconnecting necks
They shadow a symbol of love upon the rippling stream

in moment of lift
Together into air
Over bramble and bush, teasing with the bark of trees,
Escaping greedy fingers that wish to pull us apart
Balance on branches and rest
Somewhere in the sky.

There we stay
Between the moon beams and starlight twinkle
Sleeping softly together in the arms of an archer
Blink one on, Blink two on
Here we fail to fade
Our own pollen rejuvenating us into a million lifetimes
Forever starting and ending with each other
We are the centre of calm
Sleeping softly together
Under the same sky
Above the same earth
In the blink of an eye
Blink one, blink two
You and I

So many times in life
Have my eyes deceived
My heart has coerced me the wrong way
Down paths unyielding of self-deprecation
In eyes of pressured sight
concluding the colours of beauty
To be the ones I am told;
Not the ones I actually gape upon
Foreign film now dubbed in unpleasing vocal falsities
No longer subtitled
As music suddenly gleeful overtakes folky routes, now vanish

Where did I go to hide
Suspended space and time, for how long, I know not
Just waiting for someone to say
I will save you

And there you rose
To remind me that olive grey is my favourite
That the gravelly thump of blues can make me shine
That loneliness is never loneliness
When within your heart I stay

On my sweet
How we watch this world through Paris eyes
Two minds wrapped in one another
I never sleep without you
For even in loss you appear in dream.
Wonderful points in which we change
Change in self-awareness
Confidence in portraits we paint each other
Hold me in your thoughts
For with you I cling to love

Time is no longer a concept of meaning
The changing of the days is no more measured than accepted
Life moves only in particles
Watching them come together
Formulating perfect moments
Snapshots of happiness

There is no impatience in watching honey
As it trickles smoothly from spoon
It is the beauty in co-existence
Physically trapped and spiritually free
Emotions in the wind, far travelled to a lovers arms
Five minutes can see more change than five years
Polaroid development with the history already etched under skin

It is the scent relaxing on skin that never fades
The changing face that is never unfamiliar
The silence between songs as the jukebox rotates to the next record
Undeniably slow, yet breathlessly impelling
Defined by beat

Like heart beat

I am a golden game clock
Planned to precision
Pressed to freeze
In moments of thought where time has no existence
No right to dictate
Freedom to fly in fantasy

This is where we meet
As falling letters floating in the breeze
How long we have fell, is not of importance
Not when we create the sentences in love of which we speak in gesture
Our calligraphy changes the landscape
Redrawn in no time, yet with all the time to share
We shall always watch the same skyline
Read the same meaning in Verse
Live together under the dust covers of historical literature
Lost in an animated culture
And forever freeze time in the wait
That those seconds of joy turn the timer,
Awaiting the change.

For the change is coming
It is on the horizon
Even though we are yet to see a new dawn beginning
One day, we shall allow time to fulfil its purpose