i've had boys who want me naked in their beds trying so hard to keep the conversation going at midnight. i've had many bruises and scars after august but they all healed, they all did except one. you gave me pills and you gave me potions. i think i accidentally took the wrong one because in the afternoon, i could say "i am happy without you" with no sound of hesitant but here i am lying awake in the middle of the night not wanting to admit that i miss you. well, i shouldn't. you don't deserve this poem nor the energy that's wasted from writing it because this is not march 2014 anymore, this is march 2015 and everything has changed. we no longer look at each other like our lives depend on it, we don't spill out dreams and unwrap souls under the sky anymore. yes i know it's been awhile since you walked away but if you could get tired of me in seven months, why can't i do the same for the next seven months? i'm not saying that i think about you all the time but once i let my mind wander, somehow it finds its way back to you. i guess you're what most people call home. but a home would've cared, right?

someday,
you'll regret the day
when you left me.

i swear to God,
i swear to God,
i swear to God,

you will.

I haven't been sad in a month or two and even though I'm still not sure whether it's because I am truly happy or truly numb, it is still a progress... isn't it?

I shouldn't write about you. I shouldn't write about you because it's been 5 months and moving on shouldn't be this hard, right? I throw my heart to the ground and watch as the next person carefully holds it yet no one seems right, no one fills the gap of the broken veins. I think the reason why I reject people a lot is because all I'm doing is looking for a copy of you because honestly, you're the only thing that keeps me sane. You were my medicine; you still are. Despite my late night phone calls and texts with other boys who ask me what I wear, I still cry every time I listen to that one particular song and I still feel like dying when I stumble across a picture of us. Hell, we looked so good together. We fit each other like a puzzle and I didn't think fate would bring me such a good luck. I wore your smile on my lips and you held my heart so high I swore it felt like flying. It's both funny and sad to think that now there are other boys who have tried their hardest to make me smile like you used to but they failed miserably. God, can I ever let you go?

I woke up in the middle of the night and my first thought was you. It's ironic, really, because earlier today a friend asked whether I have moved on or not and I said yes without thinking twice about it. I didn't want to seem like an addict but you are my drug, love, what can I do without you? You're the center of my Milky Way and I gave you all the happiness that I didn't have and maybe that's why you're the only source of light in my life. Sometimes I wish you'd stop making me feel like crap for missing you because it is not something I can avoid. I slept with our picture next to me tonight and it ***** to think you'd probably burnt your copy of the pic to ashes. I know this may sound selfish but I also know you're feeling sad about her and the fact that she won't recognize your light but have you ever really stopped and think of how much I've tried to do the same? Would you appreciate her more if she said yes and would you not let her go after 7 months and 700 sneaky kisses? Would you stay around in front of her house and on her bed when her parents weren't around? Would you write her with the same pen and ink and yellow paper you used to write me with? Because honestly darling I cannot forget nor do I want to when it comes to us, yet today you talked to me without ever looking directly into my eyes and I wonder if it was because you still sneaked your heart in my back pocket somehow (though it's highly impossible now). I've never been very fond of repeatedly explaining the same matter but what I'm trying to say with all this ramble is how much I miss you. I miss you so much. Please find your way back to me.

I swore I could hear the walls carefully asking why you forgot to smile at me today.

here's to:
my first kiss (and first everything, really),
my friends who can't take their masks off,
my friends who never wear any mask,
my family that's getting better,
my financial problem which doesn't get better (yet),
my neighbor who yelled at me for making out in front of her house,
my mom who has kicked depression's ****,
my sister who has kicked cancer's ****,
my father who's still kicking and kicking,
my grandma's and grandpa who supply me with food,
my significant other who's laying on his bed at his home in Australia,
my online friends who never forget about me,
my followers here, and on twitter, and on tumblr,
and every single one of you who's reading this right now,

happy new year.

I. You were the one who turned on the light when I was surrounded by darkness and now that you've left it's slowly getting dark again. I wish you never left or at least I wish you remembered to teach me how to keep the light on.

II. You made me forget how hating myself felt like, but forgetting doesn't always mean stopping. Where are you? I need you more than ever, darling.

III. Earlier today my hands started shaking and I'm still not sure whether it was from the coffee I drank or because you were sitting right in front of me but you never looked at my eyes.

IV. I think it's ironic how you didn't even think to hold a conversation longer than three sentences with me because I used to be the first thing that crossed your mind when you woke up and you used to tell me stories about the universe. Why couldn't you stay?

V. It's the longest rainy season since 2007 and sometimes I wonder if it's just the universe's way to remind you of me. Remember when I asked you to point out little facts about me and you said number one was how much I loved the rain? Do you still think about it when you're awakened by the sound of water falling down your window pane?

VI. I thought I was starting to get over you but I was wrong. **** it, I am always wrong. I miss you and I love you like hell and I ******* wish you could see that.

I need to be dead to forget about you.

my first love didn't think of me as his first love.
he spitted and walked over my grave,
winning the game.

my first friend in high school didn't think of me as her first friend.
she told me to be happy,
yet got impatient when it was hard for me to breathe.

the boy who saved me didn't think of me as the girl who saved him.
he gave me a coat to put on when it rained,
but now he's trying to take it back.

i don't think of myself as the person i thought i was.
i used to have pride and a sense of belonging for my body and soul,
but i don't mind being shot right in the head now.

i think life didn't turn out the way i wanted it to.

i know we're probably heading to separate ways,
but for God's sake,
please find your way back to me.

if someone
bashes you,
hates you,
wrongs you,
or betrays you,
for no reason,

they're just dying to have a life like yours.

mungkin alam semesta turut berduka atas kepergianmu.

I saw them making plans without me and all I could think of was how the history has repeated itself. I was left out in the first grade then in the fourth grade then in the ninth grade, and now, I'm in the eleventh grade and no one seems to give a **** about my fading light. I honestly can't blame them for leaving me to stand here all by myself because that's just me -- unwanted and uninteresting -- but I wonder how everything happened so fast. Just four months ago life was bearable and I had more than one person texting me all night; something that I couldn't even imagine. I took a long car drive with people I was gladly to call friends and we did stuffs that every normal, undamaged teenager would do; something that I'd never felt before. I even had my first kiss on February and it was overwhelming, all those feelings of "you're wanted" and "I got your back" and "we'll all stick by your side." But it's not February now, it's October, the month where the leaves fall and apparently, so does my happiness. I keep seeing them making plans without me and I just can't stop thinking of how easy it is for people to find me boring and dull. I don't know whether to curse them or myself. I didn't know that happiness could find its way out of my life. I thought I had gotten better, but apparently I still drag the black hole behind me.

at least you're happy now

with
    or
       without
                me

i re-read all the poems i wrote months ago when everything was still okay. i wasn't sad, but my poems were. it's funny to think, how i could always find that little peek hole of darkness even though i was surrounded by lights. you were there with me and it was only a two-days fight, but my words formed a sentence of how we were already strangers. maybe i like to exaggerate things. or maybe we've always been strangers from the start because if not, how could you look away every time i try to say hi? people don't just turn into strangers. we were all made by the same stardust and some of us were destined to meet. or maybe we weren't. i don't know; i wouldn't know. up to this day i still think we are each other's even though we are not anymore and i guess that explains a lot about me, and you, and us. us contains of you and i. we are contained of each other. you still keep my heart in your pocket, and i'll always be the first girl you've ever really loved.

i remember one famous quote from bob marley, ".. truth is, everybody's going to hurt you. you just gotta find the one worth suffering for."
i was numb back then and i still am even until now but to be honest, i wasn't sure if i suffered for you. yes, i cried my eyes out when you hung out with that girl and when you forgot our date and especially when you left, but did you ever really let me suffer? you were there, you were always there. your shoulder was something that i could count on. you apologized when you made me cry. you never made me suffer (except for when you accidentally stepped on my broken souls on your way out, but it was only one time before you finally escaped).

but maybe, just maybe, it was you who suffered for me.

look;
i just want you to be happy.
i do.
i would be lying if i told you that i hadn't cried since the day you left,
but honestly,
despite all of my confusion whether i hate you or myself,
i just want you to be happy.

and, hey,
there are better girls for you to kiss out there
girls who don't cry when they love someone too much
girls who don't wish to get hit by a truck when they cross the road
girls who can give you a part of them without losing themselves completely
girls who knows how to cure a heart break

so go ahead
fly
you're as free as the wind now
you can run to the places we both have always wanted to see before
you can escape all your problems behind

but dear friend,
when you're tired of running,
or when you need a shoulder to cry on,
or when you need someone to talk to,
or when things don't go quite as good as you want,
please let me know
if i can still be the reason of your happiness

you're sitting in front of me and God knows how long i've been staring at the back of your head. the voices in my head keep replaying "i miss you, i miss you, i miss you" but can you still see the past behind my walls? because now you're slipping through my fingers recklessly that my skin blisters because of it. i miss you. i love you. i need to regain my pride. i hate you. i love you.

you are not allowed
to make me cry anymore
nor you are allowed
to step on the shattered pieces of soul
i've given to you, voluntarily

you are a nobody
you don't mean anything anymore
give me my heart back!
you asked me to give back yours
and i did, i gave it back
now i ask you for mine

so please stop
i need you to stop
i want you to stop
stop being so selfish
you're not the only one
who has feelings here
stop making me feel like crap
i'm not a pile of dust
on your window pane
stop

stop acting like you don't care
the whole **** world knows you do.

You keep on hurting me
             again
               and again
                 and again

Like we're on a roller-coaster ride
You're the loop and I'm the rider
Up, down, up, down
Down
down
down

I used to be scared of height
but now, even after the gravity pulled me down
I still enjoy our ride.

Was what we had even real?

i promised you
to never hurt myself again
but you also promised me
to never leave my side

you did, anyway.

because there will always be
someone, somewhere
who becomes the main role
in your movie.

and that person won't be
me.

I wrote poems on your skin and the ink is permanent, my dear, even though our story isn't. You've always been the person who stopped me from digging my own grave and taught me that death isn't a good friend and I'm so glad that I met you in the first place. You're not the shelter that protected me from the storm but it's okay, I enjoy the aftershock of your lightning anyway. So thank you... for everything.

I love you. I do. And I don't have to own you to know it.

It's my birthday tomorrow.
Another casual day,
repeated every year
The only difference
is that it takes me
one step closer
to death.

Someday, you will leave.
And on that day, I will still hope that your absence only means your daily short trip to the mall, where you leave me hanging for hours as you share your secrets with your friends.

I sleep in a room where my cousins saw an elderly lady sitting on the window. Decayed face, messy long hair, creepy posture. A ghost, they said.

I used to be afraid to spend the night in that room alone, for I couldn't imagine how it would be if the creature showed up in front of me. What if it ate me? What if it took me to another world?

But it was years ago. I sleep there now, in a room where my cousins saw a horrible creature that lurked in the dark. The only difference, is that I'm no longer afraid.

The actual monsters are lurking inside my mind.

I love him.
That's the problem.
He asked me
to write a poem
about him,
but right now,
as we rest under
the same sky
and dream about
the same moon,
all I can think about
is how much
I love him.

It's pathetic, really
how my feelings for him
I cannot express
in words nor songs
though I know,
they're deeper
than the ocean
and darker
than the night
and as understandable
as how the universe works

But I also know
that he causes
earthquake on my skin
when our fingers
intertwined
yet he still manages
to stop the hurricanes
inside my mind
when he holds me
in his arm

and so I love him.

I. You told me that you saw the universe in my eyes whenever we stared at each other for longer than six seconds. The universe is infinite and I thought you were comparing it to our love.

II. You fell in love with the way I laughed and acted around you because I reminded you of a rose bud that you planted on your garden. Little did you know, a rose has its thorns and I'm guessing you weren't prepared for that.

III. The first time you looked at me with tears streaming down my cheeks, you blamed me for being so ugly looking. I was cursing myself when you walked out the door and didn't look back.

IV. Months after you left and I was buried deep under the ground, he found me. ***** and covered in mud, he washed me from head to toe. I knew I'd fall for him.

V. He and I had our first kiss on New Year's Eve and he gave me hope more than you ever did. I knew I deserved him.

VI. I saw you walking down the street while I was holding his hand and the next thing I knew, you were screaming so loud I could barely understand what you said. Later, I found out that you were cursing me for being freed by him from where you buried me.

VII. I found a letter by the front door the very next day and all that it said was how the writer could still see the mud on my face and on my back, just like the last time they saw me. I knew the writer was you.

VIII. The night he found out about the letter, he hugged me ever so tightly and he swore he wouldn't let anybody harm me. Let the Power above dealt with the problem.

IX. I'm happier than ever now that I know I have someone whom I can hold on to. I don't even see any mud on my face; it is you who's covered with dirt the most.

it's pathetic how i always compare you to the ocean or the moon when you're actually a wildfire. burning the bushes. burning the bridge. when i first saw you i kept a glass of water in my pocket to keep you away from me, for i knew that you'd be hard to avoid if you got any closer. but then i saw you gently caressing the bushes before eating them alive and i swore i had convinced myself to not fall for you. now that your flame had kissed me, i'm gripping you tightly like i'm afraid you'd burn me. the funny thing is that you're not even as hot as the other wildfires; you're warm. and i've always been cold.

I used to dream of being drowned because it tasted a lot like freedom. whenever i closed my eyes, i pictured my own funeral, with less people coming than i expected. busy traffic was my favorite thing because i could imagine myself stepping on the asphalt-covered road and pretend that i didn't see the truck coming. oh dear, i would love to live in an abandoned building just to befriend the ghosts and the lost memories.

but now i wake up with the little voice in my head telling me that it won't be that bad, that i can go through another day without tearing off my skin. i dress up and i still hate the view in the mirror but i feel the butterflies in my stomach when you show up at my door at 6 am. i love how your hands don't quite fit mine yet we still hold them together ((it makes me feel safe)). when i am given the numbers of history essay to finish and economy project to do, i cringe but i don't ***** like i used to. i only cry at midnight or when i remember all the things i used to love and hate at the same time. i really like the nighttime now, because the dark sky reminds me of the past and the glowing moon reminds me of my hope for the future.

your lips taste like darkness and something inevitable;

i think i'm getting better now.

and i'm just
tired
God,
i'm so, so,
very tired

please let me sleep.

i've been writing
all the happy poems lately
yet i'm still haunted
by the thought of writing
all the sad poems
again.

You fly me up
to the sky
before you turn me down
on the very next day
Living with you
is a constant battle
between smiling, and crying
Maybe we never complete
each other like a puzzle
in the first place
Maybe we're much more like
two lost hurricanes,
destined to meet
Same chaos; same structure
Destroying -- and building --
each other at the same time

well, at least I know that
you love me just the same
as I do.

i just do not want
to lose you
even if you're not
mine to keep
and if that's too much
to ask for,
then i'm truly sorry

i just don't know how to cope up without you.

she treats me
like i'm normal
she doesn't see
the difference in me
as flaws and mistakes
she accepts me
despite all of my
insecurities and broken parts
she listens to my complains
and ignores my crying routine
as if it's a normal habit
she's been there for me
for as long as i can remember
through thick and thin
through sadness and happiness
but most of all,
she loves me
just as much as i love her