I was full of fear, hurt and sorrow.
I thought I would remain alone forever
as I bore your absence rather than face my flaws.
It took some time, but now I am free-
free from your shadow and spite.
Even more, I am okay with solitude,
for solitude is a better companion
than you ever were.
I can now finally close the door and
embrace the lessons I learnt the hard way.
So much heartbreak was not in vain.

I never did stop
loving you, I just learnt to
do it in silence

1:16 AM
28/8/22

Dear diary;
Too often I subtract
myself from the world
only to realize that it would
not be much of a loss nor
would the world notice
such a loss.

You feel strange again-
you don't know why,
and suddenly you're
reliving your youth and
realizing that there must be
something inherently wrong with you
that people don't like and you
don't know what it is.

You redact moments
you wish to ignore but
my memory remains the same.
Indeed, we are living records
of time and trauma and
they do not stay dead
for very long.

I haven't heard
from you in a while,
and even though you
broke my heart last night
I'm still glad you
took the time
to talk to me
again.

We live in
troubled times,
where leaders fail
and pandemics prevail.
Mass hysteria is
the only game in town-
society's going down
because we cannot hear,
and we cannot think
over the turmoil
spreading across
our soil.

Maybe I will never understand
how you took control this heart.
Was it sorcery or something sinister?
No, I suspect it had something to do with
the sweetness of your soul or
your beauty that leave
even the nymphs
in awe.

It's still in here,
somewhere,
I'm sure of it.
The heart I want to give you
is somewhere at the
bottom of the ocean,
or perhaps the
edge of the galaxy.
I know that I can find it,
again,
I just need time.

I am lonely yet
I don't want to interact
with anybody

4:43 PM
13/11/20

I didn't know you
were capable of such hate-
I can't believe you

11:31 PM
21/2/21

Love is
everywhere.
If only you could see it
the way I see it
through you.

With nothing
but you,
my moon-
with nothing but your light
to guide me,
I made my way home
that night.
I cannot imagine
how much darker
it would have been
without you.

Everybody's book
has some pages they'd rather
tear out and forget

12:02 PM
10/7/21

The day I find you
is the day I forget I
was looking for you

8:28 PM
4/2/23

You made my mirror blush.
My pillow misses the smell of your hair.
You lit up my room and
my bed misses your touch.
This place seems a little less
like home now that
you're gone.

If I get used to
your touch then
I fear I would not be able
to let you go.

If I look for you
again, what difference would I
find this time around?

9:03 PM
25/10/22

Today will always
be different to yesterday-
time to start over

4:24 PM
24/8/22

I must admit I
give too much attention to
that which has drained me

6:20 PM
18/10/22

Modern love story:
two people and neither of
them want to text first

9:08 PM
29/7/23

I will wait for this to pass,
sometimes, that's all you can do.
I will pray it to go away,
this is what desperation does.
I will wish for it to never return,
I wish this every time.

And through the distance,
I still feel the warmth of your smile,
so close I hold it to my heart.
This soul kisses you from across the sea
as all I can do is wait for you
to come home.

The distance
and the darkness,
the absence
and the silence,
is too much for me to bear.
I miss you.

I have hidden from my shadow.
I cannot look it in its eyes,
the ones that only serve to scorn me.
I fear its judgement,
its cold and its fury.
I try to dwell in the light,
far away from my shadow but
the shadow learns to adapt and annihilate.
Night time comes and once again,
it's just me and my shadow.

I wish that
he could see
that she is tired
of fighting the tide.

I wish that
he could see
that she is barely
afloat anymore.

I wish that
he had saved
her from drowning
but he left her out at sea.

I wish that
his heart wasn't
shallow so that she
could have dived
into his
heart.

You are more than
you give yourself credit for
and even more in my eyes.
I hope you get all the things coming to you-
there's no one more deserving of that.

All we have to do
is admit when we are wrong.
It's as simple
and difficult
as that.

You don't look at me
like the way I look at you-
no, not anymore

8:38 PM
28/11/19

How is it that red
flags can appear green to us?
Are we colorblind?

12:03 AM
22/11/22

Not everyone will like you
and that is okay.
You cannot please everyone,
no one can, in fact,
sometimes people can hurt us
through no fault of our own.
It is self-care to withdraw from these people,
to walk away for your well being.
Surround yourself with those who care
while at the same time,
prioritizing yourself.

The night comes and
I find myself needing you more than usual.
The stars don't seem to shine
as bright without you
and the cold builds.

This will be
a memory that
one day I will try
to forget.

The world does not
revolve around you
and never will.
The sooner you accept
your place in it,
the better off
you will be.

Dear S,
I thought I
could keep this up.
Maybe I could for a while,
but not anymore-
it hurts too much.
I didn't know it would
be so difficult and I didn't
know you would turn away.
You were supposed to be here.
You were family.
I'm lost.

if you were
a flower
then maybe I’d learn
to garden.
How glorious it would be
to spend my days getting
your love underneath
my fingernails
and watching euphoria bloom?

It always hurts that extra bit
when you don't see it coming.
You begin to punish yourself
and say how you should have
seen this coming.
How many red flags
did you overlook this time?

There is nothing wrong
with taking baby steps.
Whether you walked instead of ran,
wrote a few sentences instead of pages,
or woke up a few minutes later.
It is better to have attempted than
to not have attempted at all.
Baby steps are okay.

Doing what others
do for acceptance is a
form of suicide

4:10 PM
27/6/22

Relief is a cleansed heart
so let the anger burn away.
Yes, it's easier said than done but
there is no worse burden than a heavy heart.
So grab onto the heartbreak, the anguish,
and even the unresolved
and let the tears pour until
you are dry.
Now you can
let go.

I want to write your name on the sun.
I want to tell the sun how your smile
burns brighter than a thousand suns
and about how galaxies revolve
around the purity of your soul.
I want to tell the sun how your beauty
rivals that of any shooting star and how
the trails your smile leaves fill me with joy
and the inspiration I need to write these words.

Will I ever stop
carrying the weight of all
I have said and done?

11:59 PM
21/11/22

I'm having
conversations
inside my head.
Whoever lives in there
hates me too.

You may not be here anymore,
but were you ever really here?
You did a great job acting
that I truly believed you cared,
at least for a while, and worse,
that you actually loved me.

My sorrow is a rose
and I am the last petal
trying to hang on through
the raging winters.
Sometimes I forget that
spring does not last forever.

I still dream about you
from time to time.
Sometimes I wish to not wake up,
sometimes they turn into nightmares.
Either way, I am sad when I wake up
to see that you are gone.

I am a bee in the
sunflowers of memories.
I find shelter and solitude
underneath the petals
and harvest that sweet nostalgia
of this garden we once shared.

I get to see the world
and all of its beauty
like the shiniest pearl
in the deep blue sea.
I may live in Sydney
and all its works of art,
but he's the luckiest guy in Tbilisi
'cause he unlocked your heart
with a charm like a key.

That time between
Christmas and New Year
has always felt like purgatory
and we are just ghosts with
nowhere to go but haunt the time
until the new year is here.

Be careful with me,
I tend to believe anything and everything
from those who seem to care.
And at the same time,
I doubt almost every word.
Is this a paradox? Yes.
Is this self-defense or have
my demons convinced me otherwise?
It's both.