My name
Is used by 2 people whom I love
Other than myself

I made this name.
When I was 13,
I began a novel.
The main character's name was Marisa Lu Makil.

She was everything I ever wanted to be
Wrapped up into one lost girl.
She had matured by the end of the book
And so have I.

I made my name
So can you.
Make your name
You can be whoever and whatever you want to be.

So live long
Laugh hard
And love ferociously.

Make your name
A name that others wish they could live up to,

And enjoy the story along the way.

"Do not go gentle into that good night"
For if the demons hear of your fright
They will find ways to take your sight
And blend the darkness with the light

Dylan Thomas knew of his fate
He saw it there, like an oncoming freight.
But at avoiding it, he was too late
So doomed he was, and met for his date

With destruction.

Maybe someday
You'll come back like
You went away
Slow and gentle
Just like the sway
Of deep oceans
Want you to stay
Here forever
But
Until that day
I will await
Your sweet embrace
Of embraces

But until then
I'll wait for you
Until I'm sent
On through the blue.

"Sweet dreams" is such a
Sweet thing for someone to say
I'm dreaming of you

So yeah, sweet dreams, my
dearest, sweetest companion
When they are of you

Someday
You'll go away.

With a wave of your hand,
Your feet'll touch sand
And you'll leave.

Someday
You'll go away

With your wife and your kids
And your life packed on skids
You'll leave me behind.

Someday
You'll go away

And without a goodbye
You'll leave, and I'll sigh.
I'll have no one left.

Someday
You'll go away

And I won't even know
It's the last time you'll show
I won't see you again

Someday
You'll go away

And that hug I gave you
Will be the last, God save you
That I give

Someday
You'll go away

And I'll be out of your life
"Whatever," you say, "less strife"
But I still love you.

Someday
You'll go away

And though I'll want you to stay
Once and for all, you'll go away
Leaving me without a say.

One day
Your life will pass

Right through my own
And roll like a stone
Down the hill of life.

One day
You'll go away

I know it's coming-coming soon
Like the coming of the moon
And then, you'll be lost.

All you
           have to do

To have people
        love what you
Write
                         What you feel
Is add
Add a little
           PAZAZ
    Add some T      I     T
                          W    S    S

A Couple
C
U
  R
   V
    E
     S
And something

worth reading
And before you know it,
Your poem is trending
Like never
Ending
              *fame

Whenever I wander
Away from my Lord
Because I am lonely
Or because I am bored

He brings me back with a kiss on the cheek.
"Come back to me, my darling."

Everyone says
That trust
Trust
Is a hard thing to earn.

But really
When you see someone for the first time
Your mind
Tells you whether
Or not
You trust them.

Trusting someone is easy.
Knowing someone is hard.

When I met you,
My dearest uncle
uncle
I knew
Right away
That you were
The greatest
Man
I
Had
Ever met.

I am glad I met you.
Blessings to you, my writing confidante.
When I finally
Compile
All of these thoughts
Into a book,
The book will say
Three pages in
"To uncle Percy
"Thank you for believing in me."

The lie of
Optimism
Plastered on my face
Screaming
Screaming
"Let me go home.
" I just want to rest
Forever."

Chest
And lungs
Hurt
From common
Labored
Sighs
Like breaking the top layer of
Ice
On a bowl
Of water
"Let me go home
" I just want to sleep
Forever."

Come, come
To the gathering of winners
The one the world sees as sinners

Come, come
To the meeting of the living
Who love our God yet keep on sinning

Come, come
To the love of our Lord
Who across seas and skies had soared

Come, come
To the love of our father
Who's undying grace will always go farther

Come, come
Ye sinners and saints
You beautiful, broken, and you with stains

Come, come
To the Lord Jesus Christ
For He will always win the fight

"Come, come,
Lord Jesus" we cry
One day, He will, one day, we'll fly

"Come, come"
Say the saints to the dead
"The banquet is soon, and the  prince shall be wed!"

Come, come
My Christ and my king
I want with you forever to sing

Come, come
And your chariots bring
For we shall be ready, we shall, my king.

Come, come
To the gathering of winners
Though we be victorious, we are still sinners

Come, come
Oh come to the feast
Where we shall eat plenty and hear the great priest.

The Lord Jesus
Ate with us sinners
And took off our rags and made us the winners.

So come, come
To the table of winners
Who through the world's eyes may still be sinners

But come, come
For in the eyes of Jesus
We are no sinners-as jewels He sees us.

Walls
Askilter

Sounds
Linger

Voices
Whisper

Lights
Flicker

Mi­ce
Skitter

Snakes
Slither

And somewhere
Nearby

A monster lurks.

Dear monster underneath my bed,
You scare me
Even though you're dead.

And though a lurking ghost you be,
My horrid monster
You scare me.

She lost it

The one thing that made her happy

And she lost it.

She cries
Every
Night

For it

And starts funds

And cries for help

And writes poetry

And you have the audacity

To be bored

With her pain?

How dare you?

"Is she done yet"

"That is so last month"

"Like I would give money to a legal reject"

Help her.

Don't hate her.

Prey, help her poor soul
Can't you tell she's drowning?

Yeah, I comfort you
Yeah, I come through
When youre upset
I come right away

But then you go
And you insult me
And without knowing
You break me down

Yeah, I love you
As my brother
I could help you
Like no other

But then you go
And you insult me
And without knowing
You break me down

I can't help you
I can't come through
I can't love you
If you hurt me

But then you go
And you insult me
And without knowing
You break me down

But I hold it in
Like secret sin
This is my crutch;
You hold me down

But then I go
And I help you
And I come through
Like I always do

Because
Yeah, I can't stand
Without your hand
But, my darling
You hold me down.

And then you go
And you insult me
And without knowing
You break me down

So help me, help me
I'm falling free
I can't tell you
How it hurts.

Because you go
And you insult me
And without knowing
You break me down

Brother mine,
I can't describe
And I
Can't take this anymore.

Then you go
And you insult me
And without knowing
You break me down

It's a bit Complex

I want to tell you
That you make me angry
So angry

I want to say
That night after night
I have cried because of you

I want to make you
Know the abandonment
You forced upon me

I want to scream
At you and slay
Slay, slay my demons

I wish you knew
That I want you to text me
So I know you care

But at the same time
I love you so so much
I want you to know that.

But yeah.
It's complex.

Dear lonely

It's been a month at least
I thought we were done
I thought we had ceased

But here we are again
Having done our dance
Will this ever end?

You tilt the way I think
What now shall I do?
I feel like I'll sink

I'm pushing through you, though
You will go away
You, my greatest foe

Dear Lonely

It's taken me awhile
But now I can see

That lonely is defeated by a smile.

6 months it had been to the day
And tbh all I can say
Is judging by the way you play
I don't know you anymore.

I wish things were the same.

As I sit here
In this dark
But light
Room
Rain drips from the roof outside
Splashing in puddles on the already-wet ground.

As I sit here
In this loud
But quiet
Place
Cars pass by sending sounds like
Blowing on the top of a bottle to my ears.

As I sit here
In this happy
But sad day
I may be unhappy with my situation,
But I am content with where I am.

I wish I could write a poem

About that song I heard.

The one that is happy

And sad

And childish

And adultish

But there are no words.

Just your fingers

Playing with the piano

Plucking at my heart.

Oh well.

I will think of something else.

Who are you
Behind that profile picture
That is not you

Who are you
Behind those words that pour
Like blood from your fingers to the keyboard

Who are you
Behind your angry insults
A mendicant of mercy.

Which begs the question:
Who am I behind my picture
And my words
And my angry insults?

I don't know who I am.

Does it hurt
Being so cruel?

You must have had help.

No one is like that on their own.

I can practically see your
Emotional scars

Bleeding
Dripping
Dying.

It must hurt
Being this cruel.

I just want to help you.
I just want to heal.

I realized the other day
When I was cleaning the coffee ***
That that was your smell:
Coffee.

Coffee and cigarettes.

I have every reason to be angry
Angry
Angry
At you.

But I just can't.

Because I love you.

And when you love someone,
No matter how much they anger you,
You never tell them.

The greatest lie I've ever told:
I'm fine.

The greatest food I ever had:
boreg.

The greatest book I ever read:
I know why the angels dance by Bryan Davis

The greatest sin I have ever committed:
making someone like me

The greatest thing I ever said:
"it's okay to cry."

The greatest thing I ever did:
hold someone and tell them everything is alright.

The greatest moment in my life:
a car drive with two friends

The greatest thing I ever heard:
*"He who testifies to these things says 'yes, I am coming quickly.' Amen, come Lord Jesus"

I lay in my bedroom and pondered one day
Why no one I knew would seem to stay the same

Was angry and broken, and felt so put down
And before I knew it was face to the ground.

Things looked so different laying down there
When I looked up at you, the world seemed to glare.

I beat the ground like you beat me sometimes
Now I'm just searching for something here that rhymes

I don't understand why you do this to me
Come to me fighting like a returning dream

I lay here sometimes thinking of how we fought
And so here I lay again writing my thoughts

And as I lay here, something came to my mind.
Something that made me wonder if I was blind.

All the things about you I seemed to hate so
Were things I made of you-shaping my own foe.

The way you talked to me was my own mad voice
Now with heavy heart, I had to make a choice.

So there I lay with my hot tears rolling down
But as I always did, not making a sound

I realized too late that what forced you away
Was my strong willpower asking you to stay

So though in my heart you took one of two spots,
You were a painting I had covered with blots

As much as I desperately wanted to stay,
With tears on my face, I would push you away

Your perfect portrait was something I had maimed
And now thanks to me you will not be the same.

But for your own good, I swear to let you go
Maybe one day your portrait will be as snow

Don't understand how you forgive me this way
All I can tell you is to keep me at bay.

I'm sorry, I love you.

She wakes up
Does her hair
Puts on her uniform

And smiles

She dabs makeup
On her gentle eyelids
Dropping like butterflies to her lids.

And smiles in the mirror

She puts up her hair
And ties up her shoes
Finally steps out the door

And smiles at her reflection in the windshield

When she gets there
She smiles at coworkers
And fills herself a glass of water

And smiles in the water

As the night goes on
She refills coffee cups
She takes orders

And still smiles

She drinks her water
She brings out food
She deals with rude customers

And still she smiles

They don't know
She's hurting underneath it all
So they criticize and hurt her more

She yet smiles

One person
Comes back every week
Just to see her

And makes her smile for real

So when the next week
She doesn't show up to work
He wonders where she is

Is she smiling?

Little does he know
That she had enough
She went to see the Lord

And now she smiles for real.

In my world
You never left
I'll never feel
So bereft

In my world
Through all the years
Never have I
Had broken tears.

In my world
My tears drip up
Not down in silence
Or like tea in a cup

In my world
My feathers still grow
It will always be summer
And never snow.

In my world
Though I'm done
My tears still fall
Toward the sun

In my world
My tears flow high
Gently drifting
In the sky

In my world
I'm still broken
But at least
My tears fall up

And not down like yours.

You broke me.
You broke me and you never picked up the pieces.
Never glued me back together.
I just wanted to cry.
But I couldn't

We'll apologize
You will break me again and I will write more poetry.
You will leave again
I'll just want to cry.
But I won't be able to.

I'm sad.
It just happened again and I'm so broken-still in pieces.
I never got fixed
So now I'm broken for good.
Some scars don't heal.
I just want to cry
But I can't.
When you broke me
You broke my tear ducts, too.

My dearest uncle,

Last summer
Was so awesome.
I hadn't seen you in years, and to finally see you again gave me hope.
But you had changed.

Last summer
Was so sad.
I was broken
And I needed you
So
Much.
But you had changed.

Last summer
I grew up.
You had changed
Not for the better
And even though I needed you
I had to learn to cope.
Because you left.

This summer
You came back.
Again.
And things aren't the same.
We both know it
But no one wants to say it.
So I will:
We won't ever be the same.

Last year
You changed
I changed
And neither of us
Will ever be the same.
So we'll have to cope
On our own.

So let's drink to our changes

All of my betrayed love,
Your niece

My greatest guilt is a boy named Jack.
He needed me.
I told him to never lose hope...
And then I left him...

My greatest guilt is a boy named Jack...
And I fear I ruined his life.

She's so perfect
I'm a reject
They don't hear or see my tears.

She can hurt me
And/or mock me
Through and through to all the years.

I can't tell them
That I'm hurting
It will make me seem so rude

'She's so perfect'
'She can't hurt you'
'Just stop being mean and cruel.

I'm afraid that
Soon I will hate her.

Outside
Warm breeze
Birds fly
Thick as thieves
Sun shines
Through the leaves
I want to go outside.

Outside
Fire place
His arms
Around me lace
Through long grass
He will chase
Me-I want to go outside.

Army men
City girls
Turned nurse

Hands held over
Slowly-contaminating
Breaths

Mason jar IVs
Cleansing white
Handkerchiefs

Masks
Yellow on white
Death in the air

Blood in my mouth
Hair
Lungs-everywhere

No new people
In months.
We know what it is.

We have Typhus
And it's not going away
Until it has ****** the breath from all of us

Until we are all dead
6 feet under
The ground

Alright, people.
Here's the thing:
For the longest time
The trending tags
Have been
'Death'
'Depression'
'Pain'
And 'Heartbreak'
This easter,
Let's change that.
Let's make them
'Truelove'
'Christ lives'
And 'Resurrection.'
Because yeah, our hearts are dead,
But he will resurrect them.

Ten
Your laugh
Nine
Your love
Eight
Your forgiveness
Seven
That night you first held me
Six
The day I last saw you
Five
The night I last held you
Four
The day you came back to me
Three
The day we said goodbye
Two
The day I told you who you were to me
One*
The night I lost you all over again.

What's in a name, you say
Everything is in a name.
A name is who you are.

We change our names on the internet.
Why would we change them
Unless our real names
Don't
Tell
Who
We
Really
Are?

What's in a name?
Everything.
My name here is everything.
Everything is wish to be
And do
And feel.

My name is everything.

Walking through darkness
I stand now just here
Trodding through blackness
I hold back the tears

Why am I crying?
This doesn't seem right
Yet somehow I feel
Like I have to fight

Fight back the sorrow
Fight back the pain
Fight with my marrow
It all ends the same

Crying again here
On this bed of tears
Fighting my sorrow
Fighting my fears.

I have some hope
But what of the other?
He goes still through life
Wanting to suffer.

He won't accept
What I know is true
His bitter denial
Turns my face blue.

Walking through darkness
I stand now just here
Fighting the darkness
Out pour my tears.

I try so hard
To help you
See Christ
By going to church
But you keep lying
And making me cry
And I don't know
If it's worth it anymore.
Maybe you aren't elect.
Maybe you don't care enough.
I cried again today
Because of you.
If you cared
Wouldn't you ask if I was okay?
I don't know.
Maybe
Maybe not.
All I know
Is when I walk into Heaven,
I want to be holding your hand.
One more adventure together.
But you don't care.

I spent years
Convincing myself that you
Were my mission.
God wanted me to help you to him.
But maybe I was wrong.
Because you have made me cry
And hate
And scream
Like I never used to.
I can't go on a vacation without worrying about you.
Because of you
I can't sleep sometimes.
And I am so tired of it.
I just want what's best for you.
But you don't even know.
I can't tell you how much you hurt me,
Because I'm afraid then you would leave.
I love you so much.
I love you so much.
Why can't you do this one thing for me?

Maybe it was never meant to be.
No more adventures for us.
I'm done.

I love editing.
Have I said that yet?
I love practically hearing
The scenes
And the words
That zip
Through my mind
Like arrows
From the bow
Of an Indian.
I love feeling like I am doing something.
I love editing, have I said that yet?
Well, I'm saying it again.
Stories, novels, poems...
I love it all.

Happy Birthday.
I know I am mean.
I know I hurt you,
I know I seem like I don't care.
But
I
Do.
I care so much
I just don't know how to show it.
Please forgive me.
Happy Birthday.
I
Love
You.

It's odd.
Sometimes I can write
Like for hours and hours.
I can't seem to write enough.

And other times,
I can't figure out why the words
I write down
Won't sound right.