our love
was a horror show
begging to be set in motion

he was the sun
supporting life
creating a glow inside my eyes

he hurts too much to be the sun
now he burns all the life there once
flames of destruction fill my eyes now

look at me
look at me as a person
look at me with a new perspective
i notice that when your eyes catch mine you tense up
shouldn’t i be the one cowering behind a defensive mechanism?

i can see something in your eyes
but the blue is too blinding and i am petrified to see how the look of the ocean has changed

why can’t you look at me in that way?
why can’t i stop looking at the ocean and admiring its waves?
why can’t i stop looking at you in the perspective that is no longer acceptable?
why can’t i simply stop looking at you? i’m always looking at you.
why can’t i stop looking for you? searching for you in every nook and cranny.
why can’t i stop wading through tsunami waves trying to find you once more?

look at me.
look at how the rings around my eyes have darken.
look at me.
look inside of my eyes.
see what love looks like inside my mind
when you see your reflection, step back
look around, look anywhere but at me
then look up
and realise what it’s like to look love in the eyes and tell it you don’t want to be infatuated with it anymore

an unfamiliar warmth flows through my veins
a smile adorns my face, something unfamiliar and a shape I thought my muscles has long forgotten how to make
a sudden ease overcomes
my hands stop clenching into fists
i stop shaking, no longer freezing from a blistering cold
my teeth stop rattling and knees stop knocking together, no more anxiety induced shaking
these feelings are in fact petrifying, i cannot lie i am absolutely terrified
but the sun feels so golden on my skin and the long days don't feel so dreadful anymore
we'll see what this brings, but i think i may have found someone who makes my heart beat with an elevated rate of pure elatedness and not an elevated petrification

throat closing up
choking on my own rapid heart beat
dizzy head
hazed over eyes glossy with tears
numbness spreading
this can’t be happening
nervous ticks
a constant fear
this isn’t true
avoiding you
avoiding us
trying to find solace in this nightmare
light breaks through the gates of hell
cupid’s arrow pierces skin
love struck, a heart stunned
cupid’s newest fatality and love’s needed casualty
under love’s heavy burden i do sink

a brief encounter
hand slid up silk
a hurried kiss and glance around
onlookers would ruin the show
a secret shared between lips
pupils dilate at the sight
the desire for you still reins true
craving a brief encounter once more
the odds are against the occurrence

scenes replay in my mind and it feels like our feature film is a remake of the broken romance i starred in last

i told the writers to change the plot
make the lover the protagonist and not the devil throwing jabs at my heart
i told the director to change the shot
make each seen la vie en rose instead of a black and white silent film
i told the costar make the camera believe that you love me instead of deceiving it and making the audience see how much you strive to hurt me
i told the lover please, make me feel the love you were casted to display
make me beg for your touch, crave your kiss and make your lips taste like honey
make your embrace feel safe and not like a war zone
make me believe that you love me but this time mean it.

light up your marlboro
take a drag of the filtered tobacco
blow a puff of smoke in my lungs
through your nicotine lips

whisper you love me
romanticise my body
worship the physicality
abandon the mentality

become the source of my insanity
the reason I am so dependent on hot coffee
the ice freezing over my heart
the source of my constant headache

kiss me,
lies taste so sweet.

slow dance with me  
i’ll bust out the old record player
place the album we used to love by day in and day out
the vinyl’s worn down, full of scratches and slightly lopsided from the constant wear and tear of the needle
it repels being placed on the turn tables, but i get it to fit
the needle hits and the sound is never quite right
all the damage caused to it has changed the melody from harmonic to cacophonic
nevertheless, we dance
ignoring the utter clarity that the record’s shanty melody casts upon us
that we, much like the record, are destined to break at the scratch of a needle
that we have slowly become equivalent to the album that rings in our ears and fills our tumultuously silent house
we both know this to be truth, however we refrain from acknowledging our impending doom and ignore it for an ignorance we try to convince ourselves is true
the needle runs off the record
our feet slow to a halt
the sound of a needle hitting dead wax fills the room
and we dissipate back into the ignore we so desperately need to be true

what is there to say
i pour my heart out to you
you say you feel the same
we do what we always do
two days later you tell me you like me but you still don’t want to date
what am i to do?
i know i’ll wait for you, like a lovestruck child
no matter how hard i try
i’m stuck on you, unfathomable as to why
deep down i know you’re stuck on me too
otherwise we wouldn’t be stuck in this mess
it’s such a simple solution
we’re both after the same thing, we’ve established this
so why are you still not ready have it

so don’t you hold me close and tell me that i’m your baby
don’t whisper everything i want to hear softly into my ear and make me believe that you mean it in the way i crave for it to be
don’t look at me with those sterling blue eyes with glossed over irises and give me that look that makes me think you’re in love
don’t run your hands up my figure and strike me with lighting bolts, don’t electrocute my heart and make it palpitate as if it stopped beating
don’t do those stupid things that you do that make me love you, it hurts too much to know that you do these things and they’re of a complete different definition to you.

spilled my heart out in ink, barely  legible handwriting on old worn napkins telling every thought of emotion i have ever dreamed

splattered what remained of a broken heart on a canvas in an attempt to place its broken pieces back together in beautiful colour schemes

photographed every moment in which i felt alive or when i felt the polar opposite anything to look at and make me remember what it felt like to feel more than a basic emotion

there’s a reason you cannot spell heart without art.
three letters that seemingly mean nothing in the grand scheme, however when arranged to spell out “art”, they encompass a word that describes everything you ever have and ever will be. the reason for your insanity and the explanation for every single atom in your being and every chemical reaction that caused your brain to send out endorphins and every other chemical that drives you to an emotion.

the reason you live and will live forever on, your legacy to leave behind, your reason for living all encompassed by a three letter word.

my mother told me she'd never been hurt by a man as much as i had been hurt by you
never been treated as horrifically as you treated me
she asked me what that kind of pain felt like because she couldn't understand
and as she watched my own child break in front of her eyes
i replied "mum, it's the kind of pain that you only feel every so often, when all the air has been taken from your lungs and you feel as if nothing is real. and you feel as if you are a ghost among the living, barely existing. and the worst thing is, it always comes from the opposite direction that the winds are to blow, the storm comes from nowhere."
she asked me how i knew what this pain was to remind her how i got here, and i told her, i loved someone more than i had ever, and then one day, they decide to play their cards against your odds and the memories still haunt you at 3 am when you're alone and all you can think of is how they used to make you feel and you make up excuses to still be with them, in any way you can, until it physically makes you ill and you unconsciously start to **** yourself from the pain. and eventually, the feeling becomes so natural, that you forget what it's like to feel normal and you call the pain love and let it live on.

lips on mine
hands intertwined
nothing but time
and the stars in our eyes
you and me, together at last.

seeing things in fading light
colour hues disappearing
the colours fade from my eyes, I'm seeing in black and white.

i didn’t realise that in binding our time together i had to give you my silence
i didn’t realise that this relationship was one sided, of course in your favour because who am i to have needs or desires when all that i am goes directly to you
i didn’t remember signing my entire life away to you, letting you take control of my strings and giving you the role of puppeteer
i didn’t realise that you, while you show me glimpses of what life can be would be the very force that restricts me from living
i didn’t realise that my one true arch nemesis would stem from within my own body, an invisible demon living inside my very own temple
i don’t remember you even asking to be apart of my life, i just remember you announcing you presence, suddenly and out of the blue
i don’t remember signing a contract that gave you ultimate power over my being, but i don’t think you crafted one to begin with
i don’t remember saying that you could invite friends to move into my home, but then again when have you ever asked to do anything
i don’t even know how you came to be, but then again, when did my anxiety and cyclomythia ever stem from anything logical, they just turned up one day and made me their permanent residency

and i sat and stared into the eyes
of what i presumed to be mine
my relection looking right at me

cold lifeless tears already formed on the waterline
not a sign
of any soul behind
icy blue irises and puplis far too dialated
for this "darkness" inside

i sat and i stared
at this stranger
for what let like eternity
but really
was probably only
ten minutes, at most

looking back at me
i sae the body of a girl
more like the corpse of a girl
with eyes that didn't shine
and had bags underneath like caynons
and blood red lips
chapped from biting and self deprecating coldness
not a twitch upward to be seen
a straight line of melancholy

the hollowness of an creature
i'm not too sure is real
she doesn't look it
she's not alive

i'm frightened of what i saw
because that is who i am
that is me
potentially.

you told em you loved me today
my first instinct was to deny it, there's no possible way
you repeated yourself once more and i shot it down again
you looked destroyed when i told you you didn't love me, there's no possible way
you insisted you did, reminding me you tell me all the time
but texting and physically saying that time old phrase aren't remotely related
you told me you loved me today
and i nearly died
why can't i accept your i love you when i used to crave it?

i swore i would know love when he stopped by
he would be wearing skate highs and know how to ride
i’d probably run into him doing kick flips and listening to the smiths
he’d have amazing style, always wearing black chinos with the bottoms cuffed up
i swore that this model of love would waltz right into my heart and he would be the first and i would only ever know love in that genre
but love turned out to be completely different
love wore khaki shorts and hated the colour black
love hadn’t rode a skateboard since he was nine and even then he couldn’t do a kick flip to save his life
love ditched the smiths for kendrick and thought that kanye was a god
love hated his trousers cuffed at the bottoms, he thought it made him look like a pirate
but love waltzed right in, and took my heart right by the reins and made me realise that i never truly had any idea of who love was before love showed up

love isn’t meant to be something we can track
doesn’t start at point a and end at point b
it’s not a pin point on a map but more like a flame
like the flames on the candles we light on church alters
there’s always at least one that is lit and some that have long burnt out but you couldn’t say when they did
love is the flame on the candle you forget is lit until one day it just blows itself out and all that remains is the smoke that billows and the ash of ember
love is something that should not be named
nor trapped in a box of what it is supposed to be but rather set free, like birds from a cage
for love is a shape shifter and contorts itself in different ways for every person you meet and every heart beat that arises, no to loves are the same and that’s what makes it so dynamic
love is a monster, a mystery an undefinable beast and yet, love is synonymous to all that we value most in life and the most sought after thing
love is the sin we all fall victim into partaking in

there's a certain script each parent gives to their child
"the wonderful words of life" if you will
it tells you about thing things you should probably know that stems from their morals and values
but your parents never really tell you how life truly is
they'll never tell you how badly your first heartbreak will fell, they'll just tell you they'll be more, and eventually this pain will fade, as if that's supposed to be helpful
they'll never tell you what to look for in a good person, i mean you're supposed to figure that out yourself, but some guidelines would have saved me a hell of a lot of sleepless nights crying silently to myself over some crumby guy
they'll never tell you that you should be living life and not hiding, they won't outright say it but they'll force you to be social, which doesn't make things better, worse actually
you parents will never tell you how badly life will take you in its arms, hold you close and show you love and then throw you into the dust and ******* over, repeatedly
they'll never tell you what life is, because they don't know what you're life will be

heart’s heavy like an anvil in my chest
weighing down my entire body and i am filled with a sense of unease and fear
one word repeating it’s self every time i say your name
i’m not i tell myself, i’m not, i can’t be.
this word has turned itself into bullets
piercing my flesh with each mention of it’s cursed syllables
love, love rings a cacophony in my ears
causes a loss of breath and an overflow of tears
am i falling in love? this is what that feels like?
i feel like i a drowning myself in the pacific
my lungs feel heavy and my chest heaves with each gasp for sweet oxygen
constant choke hold, light headed despair
i feel like i’m dying
is that what love is?
i feel like i’m floating
is that what love is?
am i falling in love?
oh god, am i falling in love?
oh god,
i’m falling in love.

and by the light of the dying sun
we cease to be anything that truly matters
in the darkness and dim glow of the moon all our inner sins run wild
camoflaguing themselves in the blanket of night that cascades over the earth

drape the silk over my eyes
tie the blindfold tight
take away my eyesight, i’m not one to see what lies inevitable anyway

whisper distractions in my ear
buzzing around like a misquote
constant ring of you know how much i love you
carry on buzzing, make my sanity dissipate

watch as my arms begin to try and swat you away
see the vulnerability, perfect time to tell the truth
the love buzz changes into let me *******
four months four months buzzing in my ears
the constant sound of pleading to end your self diagnosed suffering

the swatting becomes a rapid fire attempt to shut the buzzing up
you only get faster, little bug
the buzzing becomes a permanent ring in my ears
even long after it’s gone, i still hear it loud and clear

so tie the silk tight
buzz in my ear
until my sanity breaks and your sexless suffering is all i hear

silence, silence so primitive that it begs to be heard
begs for attention, for you to notice what it’s trying to tell you
but alas, silence is still white noise in empty space
everything goes left unheard

conversation, conversations that escape from soft lops like birds from a cage
aching to be free in the world, to be heard, to be noticed
words creating a cacophony, so hard to miss any that are firing out from our canon mouths
but the words you were aiming never hit bullseye, they got left unspoken

actions, actions that you could retrace all the way back to love
the imminent need for touch, a graze of calloused fingertips against smooth arms
the lack of personal space between your body and mine
eyes flickering to every target some other body part is trying to make contact with
alas, actions got misconstructed, they got left unnoticed

conclusion, conclusion of the un-phenomenon
hands locked around my waist, twist so we’re face to face
eyes locked on target, heart rates hitting a hundred
cataclysmic sparks, a new un enters the plot
unexpected response, he goes in for another
the un-phenomenon comes to an expected ending

why is it that everything you do makes me want to break down and cry like i don’t actually think you understand how confused i am over your *******. can you please make up your mind? are you in for the long haul or am i just some pretty little notch in your god dam bed post? i thought i was alright with this whole friends with benefits thing but honestly i can’t keep doing this to myself when for the past four days i’ve literally been so miserable because it’s like you turned off a ******* switch and now all it seems to me is that you’re playing games with fire and i don’t like that.

you never know
      you'd never understand
            you haven't gone through
the mind game . . . . . destruction more like
            of convincing yourself that
you are not in love any longer  
                       with the boy who lays right next to you
as he is looking directly at you
       and as you are looking at him, at all the little things you fell in love with
              actively trying to disassociate them from the rush of love to the heart and infatuation to the brain
                                    while trying to block out all the memories that flood back of when you were truly happy
and the realisation that you know him better now than you did then and your heart has access to more things to love
                      but it cannot, you have convinced it that it cannot
                      because while his mother still calls you a couple, you promised that you would never be again, a sacrifice made for his benefit

scratch at my throat
try to free myself of my own skin
there’s an emptiness where my heart used to be
stuck your hand right down my throat and pulled it out all in one swift move
i didn’t realise the pain everyone talked about when your love breaks your heart
i didn’t think you could feel that amount of pain
i understand now.
i have never felt so cold
never felt so hopeless
never wanted to jump off of a ten story building as much as i do now
everything feels unreal
time moves so slow
carrying around dead weight
please change your mind
these tears haven’t dried
i didn’t know that i could cry
so much, i feel like alice
trapped in a glass bottle
creating an ocean of her own tears
drowning herself
she’s already suffocating
i can feel the gravitational pull on my body
i can feel the earth turn
everything going so slowly
is this what it feels like to be dying?

getting high
blood shot eyes
alcoholic lies
teenage suicide
sunrise

tears fill your eyes
heart races and beats so fast you can feel it in your throat
your breathe cannot keep up with these sudden flashes of extreme emotion, it shortens its self, trying to stop itself so you will no longer breathe so your heart may rest
the devil's hands reaching around your neck and through your chest, getting a firm grasp on your heart to ease the palpitations

in this chaos of events your heart has a split second to decide whether it's in love or whether you're so terrified of what's happening to you it's in a state of panic

but is there truly a difference? your heart suffers in the same way and while the dictionary says neither are synonyms, they're synonymous in the way demons play with your heart and air fighting to stop itself from escaping your lips

dear the boy I'll never meet,

My head keeps pounding,
constantly thinking of you.

I hope you know every cigarette I've ever smoked was because you made me feel like I needed to.
They calm me down.
I know I shouldn't let them touch the lips yours once kissed,
but in a weird way they give me the same sensation as your nicotine kiss.
A feeling of fake love, unrequited, utterly fake, love.
They create a fake warmth to replace the cold you left.

I am so ******* cold all the time.
Anxiety levels soaring high.
Do you know how hard it is to feel any sort of warmth when you're constantly shaking?

I'm convinced I am not in love with you, merely infatuated.
But *******, I wish you didn't have this effect on me.

I'm so ******* sad.

love, the girl you'll never see.

F scott drank himself to death
Hemingway blew his brain out
Zelda went insane
Van Gogh never left equally returned love
Lennon was shot dead
Sinatra was a hot head

Gatsby lived a life of unrequited insanity
Romeo died believing a lie

I see my idols in me
wonder how I'll turn out to be.

i cannot fathom
whether you will be the greatest love I have ever known
or the equivalent to a shakespearean tragedy

i cannot fathom
if i will amount to a literary mastermind
or a struggling artist bleeding dry in a dead end job

i cannot fathom
why my friends choose to stay
do they love me?
or are they too nice and pitiful to leave me?

i cannot fathom
whether i am truly sad
or if my mind is tricking me with a multitude of mixed signals

i cannot fathom
i cannot fathom
i cannot fathom
my reason for breathing
but i haven't been able to fathom a reason for some time
i lost it when i couldn't fathom how to breathe and why sweet air in my lungs felt like.

you were a series of one times
a one time text
a one time hit up
a one time thing
i knew that to begin with
but why did i check to see if you'd text me again
why when i saw you, across the crowded room did my heart skip a single beat
we are a series of one times
a one time that i wanted to be a some times to an all time
i guess i want all of your time
but i can't have all your time and you don't want mine
i mean we barely have spent time together in the first place
but god
i wish we weren't just a one time

october 7th: i saw your for the first time and i knew you were something special

october 25th: we had our first real interaction, i told you that you were “so tall”, you laughed and told me about a food fight you and marcus had previously engaged in

i don’t remember the exact date but i know it was sometime in november, the third i think, you and emma ended things and i remember finding out in reading class and throwing myself a silent fist bump and whispering “yes” to no one. happy that you were finally single and i knew that i wanted you.

from november to december i was trying to set you up with sage. you were oblivious to this obviously and i had my sights on someone else, a distraction from what i really wanted but didn’t realise until i yelled at sage “go out with harrison he’s nice and cute” and so forth and she yelled at me “why don’t you go out with him?” and i replied with “maybe i will.” in that moment i knew that you were what my heart desired.

december 23: the first time i tried to talk to you. i said you were lucky that you were in australia and you told me you were visiting home. you left me on read and i remember getting sad about it, but overlooking it afterwards.

january 4th: i chatted your story about cereal, from there we hit it off. The beginning of us was anything but platonic. i knew i had a crush on you after an hour of talking but you had no idea i existed up until that moment.

january 8th: things escalated that day, we established our feelings and mutual like to each other. whatever platonic feelings lay within us faded that day and we were.... us.

january 15th: the fatal first date. i looked a mess looking back on it but i remember our first kiss and i still relive that moment. the sun had never felt so good on my skin, and you, you were a dream and i was head over heels. i remember getting home and my entire family made fun of me but all i could do was smile. i hadn’t felt butterflies in awhile and it was petrifying.

every weekend there on after we were together and after awhile i became comfortable, the most comfortable i had ever felt around a boy. i remember falling into horror, i didn’t know what this feeling entailed until february 18th...

february 18th: the day i realised that you would be the first boy i ever fell in love with. i remember the moment vividly. we were waking back from coconut and you were walking in the road because the pavement was too dark and you were scared. you were dancing to michael jackson and i remember looking at you and saying to myself “this will be the boy i fall in love with.” and i began to cry. i was terrified, i knew that once i admitted that there was no stopping myself from inevitably falling in love.

april 1st: the day i realised i loved you. we were sitting on my bed and you weren’t doing anything, simply just sitting and i looked at you and the first thing that came to my head was “i love you”. i freaked out inside and i almost said it to you, but i caught myself and you didn’t even notice my freak out.

april 8th: i thought you were going to break my heart this day. things seemed off and you only kissed me once, i had never felt so confused and upset by you before, this i believe is why you started to realise that you weren’t ready for me.

april 14th: this was the day i knew bad was coming. prom wasn’t the greatest for me and i didn’t acknowledge the fact that you leaving me alone so many times was significant to something, i should’ve seen the signs. but you looked like a dream and i was so in love with you that night. i remember our slow dance and looking into your eyes and i had never felt so much love for one thing before, i stopped myself from crying. i felt like i was on cloud nine and we were infinite.

april 18th: our first fight. it was over nothing and completely my fault, but you knew we were over and i cried myself to sleep that night. terrified that i had pushed you away and that there was nothing i could do to make you stay.

april 19th: the day before our demise. you told me that you were glad to know me when i said i was glad to have you, everyone said i was overthinking it when i thought that was a sign we were over. turns out i was right. i cried again that night, i didn’t know at the time why.

april 20th: the end of us. you wanted to be friends, and that’s what we are i guess.

i act like i’m okay with it, smile when i see you and answer all your texts. i know it’s only been just over a week, but i have never felt so much pain, this week has been an eternity. i am constantly waiting for you to change your mind but i am terrified that i am causing to you believe that we are better off as friends than lovers. i hope you know that’s not true and that there will be no one more perfect for each other than me and you. i love you and i plan to tell you one day, soon. i love you i love you i love you and i don’t think you understand that. i am doing all of this to make you happy because that’s all i could ever want. i love you my darling, and i know you don’t love me too.

the crash is what hits hardest
after you've tried with all your strength to get better
you can feel the edorphins start to release inside your brain
and you believe that this, this is what serenity feels like

you cry euphoric tears
no longer does the body you live in feel like deadweight that is a pain to carry upon two worn out feet
it feels like air, as if you are floating and as if nothing ceases to be
this, this is what life should feel

and then the crash hits
it comes out of nowhere as most "accidents" do
suddenly those bright skies are filled with ominious clouds
and your bright eyes are covered with a film of monochrome
you're stunned, paralysed with fear of whta this could all mean
a state of being so long unexperienced you almost forgot that it was ever in existence
but the crash happens
and you are left stranded in the middle of the highway
body returning to lifelessness

are you true?
does the weight of the world rest itself upon your shoulders and force you to relinquish all of your strength to hold it afloat?
are you afraid?
do you feel the chill of the arctic when something goes wrong or you second guess and the nerves start to tingle within?
do you feel a constant burn of nonexistent eyes peering into your skin leaving behind third degree burns from where their fiery irises once lay?  
are you real?
can you feel your gravitational pull on your heart?
can you feel it drain the life from your veins?
do you feel as if the useless attempt at a human being that stares back you in the mirror with stone cold eyes is you?
do you try to until rid your imperfections until your face is flushed with bright red finger prints and scratch marks from where you tried to suppress or delve them from your flesh?
are you alive? or simply just pretending to be?

needle covered in ink
stabbed a heart into my veins for the fun of it
shoot up on love not ****** love drug heart happy addicted

he puts his hand on my chest
as if by a stroke of magic, his hand goes straight through and finds its way to my heart
he holds it, and i can see in his eyes he knows what his motives are
slowly, he pulls it, out of my chest, but there is no pain at first
the pain kicks in when he looks at me, dead set in the eyes, with my heart in his hands and delicately tightens his grip on it, watching as I slightly wince in pain, taunting at the pain he can inflict upon me
all because i decided to relinquish my heart to thee

reach out a hand
try and grasp the beams of sun that shine through the window panes
feel the warmth on your skin, soak it all up
fear when the sky goes black, as if a curtain has been pulled over it
hear them call you out, they feast at night
listen to their pleads, their cries, begging for you to come back
try to make yourself visible in the pale moonlight, they can't take you home unless you are surrounded by the darkness
notice as your hands begin to tremble
"i don't want to go back"
watch as bright white dots appear out of nowhere, just like the stars above
close your eyes and tell them you're not afraid of them anymore
try to convince them, try to make them believe the lies you're telling them

open, for it is morning
and the sun feels like heaven on your skin
and you know the night will come soon after
but for now the demons have vanished, and you, you have lived through another fight with the nights sinful ways

she’s your dream girl
drop a pin and she’ll be at your feet
within seconds of it hitting the floor

she’ll do anything you ask
anything to meet your satisfaction
she only wants to make you happy

she’ll hide herself away
if it means you’ll stay a little longer than the rest did
she’ll make you believe that she is the answer to your prayers even though she
is no where to be seen, just a projection of your fantasy

she’s your dream girl
she’s allowed you to craft her this way
she wants you, oh she wants you so badly she’ll let herself forget who she is and be
exactly who you need her to be

she’s your dream girl
but if she’s such a dream
then why do the boys she makes herself a figment if their own imagination for leave her for another dream that didn’t mention before?

i shouldn't be feeling this way
like the world is closing in
and i can barely breathe

tears shouldn't be forming my my eyes
my breathing shouldn't feel as heavy as it does
i should be smiling

i shouldn't feel numb
my eyes shouldn't be heavy and threatening shut
to close off the world for awhile because it's too much

i shouldn't be terrified
i shouldn't feel dead inside
i shouldn't be feeling like my heart is  a dead weight inside of my rib cage

i shouldn't
but i am
and i don't understand

as i lay here, encapsulated by my own guilt
a pool of blood begins to muster underneath me, and it stains the satin sheets red

i can feel the blood draining from me ,
but i am unaware of how i got myself into this position? why am i bleeding?

my hands run up and down my back, until they stop on something, a handle sticking out of my back, right behind where my heart would be

they grasp on tight and pull out the weapon i didn’t feel pierce me
the light makes the blade glint, the silver glistens and the blood that drips has an elegant sheen to it

sunbeams burning our once fair skin
running towards seemingly  nothing, but what is in fact the unknown of what we will turn into
the sunset was so pretty that day, the sky was on fire and we were infinite and electric

the sun wasn't the only thing that set that night though
with its last rays, you last sparks for me burnt out
i was a fire, like the sky and you were smoke the same colour of the fog that hid the stars that night

come in like the tide
cover my body with a wave of unfathomable feelings that yearn for discovery

drag me out like the sand
when the waves revert back into the sea
taking parts of my sanity with you like tiny grains of sand that get lost in the ocean

crash on my shores like the waves of a storm
painful and rapid
i beg of you please stop hurting me but the tide rises higher with the wind and the salt stings all the tiny little cuts on my wrists and fingertips

calm, a tide i wish you would adopt
instead of collapsing tsunamis on my shores
i wish you’d learn that the waves also kiss the sand goodbye and gently fall back into the sea
instead of hitting me with a wave of chaos and blinding headaches
i wish you’d learn how to slowly stop yourself from inflicting pain in by fragile being

please stop trying to deteriorate my beautiful shores, i need the sands of them
please stop trying to drown me in your salty waves that burn my being from their chemical acidity
please learn to treat your shores kindly.

a feeling long forgotten
hidden six feet under, a buried treasure waiting to be unearthed
it came out of nowhere, opened itself up, unleashing pandora’s box
but pandora changed the fate of her box
instead of releasing its usual chaos, the box unleashed a serenity
it draped over reality like a fine linen sheet
and suddenly everything began to turn bliss
the reality that once was dreaded and made the air hard to breathe
became one that i wouldn’t fear waking up to
i unknowingly found the version of pandora’s box that for me
would release a string of dopamine, sparking happy
something that had long been buried in a grave, waiting once more to be unearthed

a glance, all possible exits blocked by people you will never see again but in this moment they are your worst enemies

heart rate rising at alarming rates, you can feel the blood rushing through your veins and hear your heart beating, yet you feel dead

the walls are now caving, everything is hazy, throat begins to close, you forget how to breathe and oxygen cannot enter your bloodstream

trapped in between two colossal silhouettes, they remind you of the devil's best friends, the panic already boiling inside has reached maximum capacity

run, run as fast as you can, faster than a cheetah on steroids, you can run till the ends of the earth but that panic will still fester inside and you can't out run what you hide

i owe many of my firsts to you
my first sense of love
my first heartbreak
my first falling again for an old flame
my first feeling as if someone's entire world affects you in a way you didn't know was humanly possible
my first intimacies
my first feeling of loving someone more than you had ever loved anyone before
but of all the first
i owe my worst first to you
the first encounter with realising that the person you love more than anything else, is the person who has caused the most pain and broken your heart the most times
you were the first person i ever loved, and the first person i ever chose to leave because i loved them
and for that i am eternally grateful, i'll be getting on without you

to admit that you are in love is to admit that you can be inflicted with anything
in my experience, love is simply an overarching word for everything that is in existence
with love comes the inevitable and oblivion all at once
the two most terrifying things to most individuals, along with everything else there is

in my short lived time, i have been in love twice
the first, a disaster from the start, for it was unrequited and he made me believe that he loved me all the same so he could have his way and leave at the first break
the second, the second is pure. he lives me more than anything I could ever have asked for. The second, the second dis what scares me, i know he loves me. I know myself and I know i destroy everything that is good, and he is everything that good could be. I cannot simply act as i did when the first left me, for the second promised no matter what he would always love me.

to love is to be so careful with everything, and my clumsy nature doesn’t know how to tread lightly, one step at a time. It falls and makes mistakes, some to detrimental to recover from, and to love is to own an entire heart the isn’t yours. I love the second, truly i do, but i don’t think i can love the second without breaking him too.

red roses wilt
from the colour of your lipstick stained lips
to the colour of the monsters living inside my head
the roses wilt,
our love died with them.