You really want to know what happened to me? What broke me?

I fell in love with my best friend.

I fell in love with him,
and despite the ample opportunities to tell him...
I was never brave enough.

His actions and words both showed me that he didn't see me that way
so I got scared.

He moved 1,490 miles away and I was too scared
to tell him how deeply that I loved him.

Him leaving left me with a void that I have been trying to fill since.
I eagerly tried replacing him and the emotion he gave me.

But no one has stuck around long enough to let me.

I had plenty of moments where I thought
"this could be it, I'm happy".

Happiness fades.

People stop putting in effort.
Nothing lasts forever.

So what happened to me?
I loved.
I trusted.
I lived.

So if I'm distant, pessimistic, cold-hearted, or lifeless..
there's a reason.

Stick around, you might see.

Sometimes there won't be anyone there,
to catch you when you fall.
Sometimes you just have to get up off the ground,
and put a smile on your face.
Sometimes the people closest to you,
hurt you the most.
Sometimes...
You just have to let it all out..
Just...
Scream.

Death.
No matter how sudden,
Nor how drawn out,
It releases the same emotion: pain.
Death is a funny thing really.
No one ever wakes up in the morning
And says to themselves
"Today is the day I take my last breath".
It just doesn't happen like that.
Death lurks behind the eyes,
hearts,
minds,
and souls of hundreds.
Even at this very second.
It's waiting to attack.
To destruct.
To haunt.
Death has no preference to age,
gender,
race,
religion,
or social status.
It takes whom it sees fit,
without a second thought.
Without consideration.
Death isn't fair,
But life isn't either.

Sometimes we think we know what we want,
what we need,
even what's best for ourselves...
But really in the long run,
we don't have a clue.
We're simply aiming in the dark, hoping we don't miss.

I saw you staring,
But I wasn't caring.
We were walking,
I was talking.
You said you loved me,
I knew it was true.
You kissed me slowly,
I was falling for you.
Hand in hand,
We would stand.
Heart to heart,
Never to part.

I need a distraction.
Something, anything to get my mind off of this.
To refocus me.
I need something new, fresh, a clean slate.
I need simple,
Anything but this.

My heart says stay.
My head says go.
Both have been known to steer me wrong.
This was doomed for failure from the beginning.
I guess I was just stupid enough to give it a shot.
But you'll always mean more to me than you'll ever know.
I really can't let you go.
I'm not being honest with myself.
Truth is, you left a long time ago.
It happened so fast.
I didn't even get to say
                                                ... Goodbye.

I used to be angry
that you did what you did,
but now all I am is grateful.
You saved me the heartache.
Someone else got your attention
so you went after her.
You stopped the lies and the games and you left.
I used to be angry
because you of all the empty promises you made me.
But you just gave me a second opportunity at life,
because any life I would have had with you wouldn't have really been living.
It would have been settling.
I deserve more than to settle.
You told me to go find someone better, to find someone who will give me all that I wanted.
Don't you worry, I will.
I have no doubt I'll find someone
who is ten times the man you are.
I'll find someone who means it when they say they love me.
I'm holding out for the one who loves his Creator more than
he loves his life itself.
I'm perfectly fine with waiting for the one who can't
sleep,
breathe,
think,
live,
without me.
I'll wait for the man who
is who he says he is.
The one who doesn't have to lie
in order to get what he wants.
I'll make him feel
scared,
alive,
joyful,
excited for the future,
and happy with the life he has.

You think you ruined me?

Hahahahahaha

You showed me
what I actually deserve.

And baby, you weren't it.

So don't come back with more lies because you realize
I would have treated you like the king
I thought you were.
Don't come back for any reason.

Ever.

I'll find someone who puts me first.
Who doesn't feel the need to lie in order to conceal his true self.

Don't kid yourself, you're not worth it.

I don't put up fights. I don't argue about what I feel or why I feel it. I don't know, maybe it's because I'd rather see you happy without me than arguing with me. Maybe it's because I know that you're right, and I can't admit it to myself. Who knows? All I know is that I'm not with fighting over. This.. Whatever it is, is not worth fighting over. What I want will change, and one day I'll have exactly what I need. I don't need you to be happy. There is absolutely no purpose in arguing about what I want when it so obviously meaningless to you.

I just want you to be happy.

I put others happiness above my own.
Maybe that's my problem..

I don't know why I ever thought you were different than all those other boys. You turned out to be exactly what I feared you to be.

You talked about being with me. Staying with me for six years - at least - until I commissioned. You said you wanted to see me start my life.
But you couldn't even stick around for six weeks.

You told me how beautiful you thought I was. How you loved my eyes, smile, and charm.

After some time, I began to believe you, or at least believe that you believed it.

On days that I couldn't bare to face, you gave me strength for the day. You gave me reason to smile.

I thought you were different.

I shared my fears with you, but you became exactly what I was afraid of.

I feared being hurt,
being left,
not being sufficient.

And I am, you did, I wasn't.

I couldn't have made you stay, and I wouldn't have wanted to.
I just wanted to know what happened to that happiness that I used to bring you.

Where did it all go?

When did it run out?

It was only six weeks.

We weren't in love, but, oh God, we could have been.

My mind is racing. I can't stop thinking. Thinking about everything, nothing. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to think; I could just know. Life would be easier that way, simpler. I wouldn't have to worry about making the wrong decision or never knowing if your feelings were true. I could just know. I'd be sure of it. Yes, it would be easier, simpler. Too bad that'll never happen.
I'm bound to make mistakes, destined to never knowing, to regretting so much yet... yet, not enough.
I guess it's just part of life.

I'm starting to realize that maybe I never did love him.
Maybe people are right, maybe I was simply in love with the idea of him.
Maybe all I wanted was for some to love me,
Someone to care,
Someone like him.
His smile, his sense of humor, his attention, his whit;
all were things I couldn't get enough of.
He was never my best friend,
or closest confidant.
Lately it seemed as if I knew nothing about him.
I've watched him grow-up and mature, but still I don't know him.
That's my fault really.
I can't blame him for just not sharing his live story with me;
Because, he probably doesn't know much about me either..
How can I be in love with someone I never really knew?
Yes, I knew he loved baseball,
Blondes and blue eyes,
Any and ALL food,
He wished he was black or Mexican,
And he likes to think because he was born in the South that he's Southern.
But I don't know anything about his life.
How he personally is doing.
Who am I trying to kid, saying I'm in love with him?
It's ridiculous.
I love him, yes.
I care about him, yes.
But, I'm not IN love with him...


At least I wish I wasn't..

You don't know what you're trying to get involved with.
I do my best to keep my demons suppressed,
but I fear you'll awaken them.
You don't know what you're trying to get involved with.
I'm not as perfect as I may seem.
You think you do

I should've seen it.
I'm just so naive.
How could I have thought you were ever into me?
I guess I wanted to believe...
Believe that fairy tales are real,
That magic does exist,
That you meant it when you said you loved me.
But I'm so sick of trying.
I'm so tired of being broken.
So done with leaving my heart on my sleeve.
Don't come crawling back to me when you realize what you're missing.
I deserve better than this.

                                               Here's one last kiss...

I don't think my heart knew what it was getting into when it decided to fall for you.
You didn't exactly come with a warning label.
My heart is bruised and burnt, but not broken.
You can't break me.
I'm stronger now.
I still love you, and miss you like hell, but I'm not going to put up with this crap.
I'm not spending my life waiting for you.
It's not worth it.

You're not worth it.

If someday we meet again and things have changed -- you've changed-- we'll see.
But for now, goodbye.

Do you remember how it felt the first date, the first kiss, the first time you stuck out your hand and I simply interlocked mine in yours? Do you remember wearing that old blue plaid shirt and cowboy boots that very first day when our friends introduced us? You looked like a southern dream. I naturally wasn't expecting to meet someone and was just in sweats with my hair up. I was a mess. I remember the way you looked at me. It was like you could see right through me and everything I was trying to hide. I never felt more alive than the night you grabbed my hand and made me dance with you in that parking lot. The way the rain fell on our faces as you spinned me around. I didn't want it to end. I remember the night you stole my first kiss. Everything was perfect, seemingly planned. You held my face and looked me in the eyes and for a moment nothing else mattered. No one else existed in that moment. I remember our frivolous adventures in Walmart, trips to the fair, the movies, the lake, nights when we'd stay in, when you'd take me to football games, baseball games, hockey. It soon became that we did everything together. I remember that Tuesday night as you were about to go home, you turned over and looked at me and smiled. It was quite for a minute then you just said it. We had been together for 3 months and 10 days and you said it. You told me that you loved me. You said you loved me, kissed me and went home. Yeah, I remember. It all just seems like last week that we met, got to know eachother, then fell more and more in love. I still remember the smell of the cologne that you wore the day that you told me you were leaving. You were almost emotionless as you watched the tears stream down my face. Five words you uttered: "This isn't working. It's over". You had no tears. No lump in your throat. No hesitation as you broke my heart. You spent 14 months making me fall for you and all I got was "This isn't working". You talked about our future. A life together. A family. Was it all just a facade? Yes, I remember quite well. And well, that seems to be my problem.

It took me 16 years to realize I was in love with him.

These past 18 months, and he's just now beginning to not be the only thing on my mind.

And over these past 18 months, I've begun to realize that survival is possible even without him.

You could say I don't fall easy, but rather I fall repeatedly for those who I know won't catch me.

You told me that night
that it was going to be okay.
For the longest time
I didn't believe you..
It didn't feel alright without you.
My whole world was changed.
My whole outlook
on love
and
on life.

But change isn't always a bad thing.

I can breathe again.

I'm no longer suffocating beneath you.

You aren't holding me back anymore, but pushing me forward.

So yes, you were right.

Everything is okay,

now that you're finally gone.

I don't want to continue simply sleepwalking through life. When you left last year, it threw me for a loop. I was completely blindsided. Never in a million years did I think my life would change so dramatically, so quickly, so out of my control. One day I was simply sitting there getting high off of you, and next thing I knew, I was numb from the shock of you leaving. Just like that. It was unexpected, unprovoked, I had no way if knowing.. no warning. I miss you everyday. All the places we used to go feels like I'm walking through a nightmare. You were my backbone, my cornerstone. You were the one thing that kept me going. When I lost you, I lost myself. I lost my direction, my motivation, my drive to be better. I forgot what this life was all about. I tried to play it cool, pretend that I was alright. But even the sound of your name brought me to tears. It's been 10 months and 9 days. I still miss you. I don't remember when I cried last. They tell me it'll stop all together soon. I can't help but wonder if you miss me, us. If you sit in bed and cry at night because you can't see me, hold me, remind me that you love me.. I wonder if I even cross your mind at all. I wonder if you'll ever fade from my memory, and if I'm already gone from yours. If you realized what you meant to me or if I should have been more bold in telling you. You are my late night thoughts. My early morning thoughts. My mid-day thoughts. You are constantly on my mind. Until that changes, I don't see how I could simply stop sleepwalking through life.

This is beginning to feel like I'm in a recurring nightmare.
They all start and end the same way, varying only slightly in between.
It's almost a problem for me: how easily I am to rely on people; how quickly I forget that they were meant to leave.
I place my trust, my identity, my joy, my heart in these people.
And every time I do and things are going better than to be expected, they leave.
It's not that we simply drift apart or become distant for a short time.
It's that every single person that I have entrusted to see the real me, every person that I trust with my life had packed their life up and left me.
Left me all alone.
Now, I am not a victim. I refuse to play the victim role.
I just can not wrap my head around a reason why this continues to happen.
Was it something I said?
Something I did?
Perhaps it was something I didn't say?
Either way, what's done is done.
I simply wish that I could find a way to escape this nightmare.
But it's so hard to wake up from a nightmare
when you're not even asleep.