I'm always searching for peace
Some sort of resolve to chapters
That never received a clear cut ending
Trying to finish writing a story that I didn't start
Viscously attempting to make sense of it all
Filling in the blanks with timid words
Guessing at how it was supposed to end

I want to be angry
I want to leave everyone behind
Go where no one knows my name
Where guilt and shame aren't forced  on me
Find myself and move on like everyone else gets to do
I wonder what it's like to be able to breathe
To break apart from your past self
To find inner peace

I wonder what it's like to be loved by someone
With their whole heart
To be their first choice
I wonder what that looks like
To be loved with no expectations
Trusting someone so deeply
I wonder what it feels like to be held
By someone who could never imagine
Letting you get away
I wonder a lot of things

There's a shadow looming over
Breathing down my neck
It won't let me forget
It forces me to remember

I don't want to remember
I just want my story to end

I had never felt such a way,
Until I met you

You cracked me apart and
Made me into something new

Your eyes, your lips
The way your fingers danced

When you played me piano,
Placed me in a tranced

Little did I know that
Was your siren song

Luring me into your arms
As I followed along

But now we've grown older
Then we drifted far apart

If only I could go back in time
And stop it from the start

Maybe I wouldn't lay awake at night
Wishing I could make us feel right
Forcing myself to see the light
Instead what I feel is contrite
Instead I feel my airways, so tight
My brain is toxic, so let it ignite

Burn every bridge I ever built
Set it ablaze and walk away

Let the fire consume me and
Turn to ash what I cannot say

When we first crossed paths
There was a moment I was sure

That you would be my forever
That our love was pure

But then you cracked me open
I was raw and exposed

Slowly I lost myself
I started to necrose

I was holding myself together
Using glue that didn't stick

When you decided to attack me again
With your ***** tricks

You said you had met them
And that you loved them so

So quickly you gave up on us
So quickly you did forgo

When you left me, you left scars
Scars I'm afraid to show

And now you're talking about them
Your new lovers and how

You had never felt such a way,
Until you met them

Why are we here?
How did we get here?
Where do we go from here?
When did you stop loving me?

Was it a year ago? Two?
Was is more than that?
When did the feelings start to fade?
What did I do for you to stop caring?

The thing is
I feel like you think I'm terrible
I'm walking garbage
You left me like I was

What did you see in me
In the first place?
Why did you even choose me
In the first place?

Was it slow?
Was it some specific action?
I tried to be there for you
I tried to help

But you never let me in
You never let me help
Even when you were vulnerable
You were still closed up

I feel like I never knew you
I feel like you wouldn't know me anymore
I'm not the same person
I'm different, things have changed

They will never go back to
What they were
But I have this sick fantasy
Made up in my head

That you'll call me at 3 a.m.
Voice shaking and heart aching
You'll take everything back
You'll say sorry and want me again

Want me like how I want you

I can't talk to anyone
The way I can talk to you
I can't sit in silence with anyone
The way silence feels comfortable with you

No one feels like you
My heart is empty
I've been doing stupid things
Letting stupid things happen

Just so I can feel something
Anything at all
But everything is numb
It feels like I'm in a play

I'm a guest star in my own life
I'm sleep walking on set
I'm a robot, performing basic functions
I'm a puppet, letting everyone tug on my strings

Nothing feels real anymore
No where feels like home
No one feels like home
I don't know what to do or where to go

I am stuck in a place
I'm not even sure where it is anymore
I can't stop rambling
Filling this empty space

Nothing fills this empty space
My heart still aches
Everyone feels like a stranger
No where is home

I just want to die
Because then the pain would be over
At least I wouldn't feel empty
I just wouldn't exist anymore

That's better than this empty I feel

I can't go back
I don't think I deserve to go back
I don't deserve a lot of things
I don't deserve a lot of people

I don't deserve to be here
They don't deserve someone
As empty as me
As cold and harsh as me

Everyone is pretending to like me
My own lover hates the way I look
My own family tolerates me
That's why I can't leave

If I were to leave
What would I do?
Where would I go?
I'm trapped

I'm trapped in this empty shell
I'm trapped in my own head
I'm trapped in this relationship
I'm so tired

Sometimes I still wait for you
To walk through the door from work
And sometimes I still feel
Your arms around me, embracing me

Sometimes I still hear you
That laugh
Always contagious
Always filling up a room

Sometimes I still miss you
My heart aches
And emotions are still raw
Sometimes I wish you were here

Sometimes I still see you
Where you shouldn't be anymore
I should be okay
I should be fine

I should move on
I should stop being angry
Or sad or anything really
Over someone who doesn't even think about me

But here I am
Still hearing you
Still seeing you
Still feeling you
Still wishing you were here

My whole life
I've been described as
Hypervigilant

Trauma after trauma
I thought being an adult
Would solve these problems

I thought turning eighteen
And leaving my home behind
Would mean the end

But growing up doesn't mean
Bad things will suddenly
Stop happening to you

Growing up doesn't save you
From these new monsters
Under our beds

Growing up doesn't mean
That you're safe with the people
You thought you were safe with

Growing up just means you're
At it completely
And totally alone

The people you look toward
For comfort are the reason
That you're running in the first place

We are all born naked and alone
And we will all pass away
Naked and alone

Fight for yourself
Grow up for yourself
Live for yourself

Because in the end
You're what matters the most
You are all that's left

I use to wonder what
I did to deserve you
Why you would pick me

You made me want to
Be a better person
To constantly improve

You held me and reassured me
You kissed away my worries and fears
You made promises

Promises you couldn't keep
Promises of a future
Promises to always love me

You promised to always choose me

But you didn't chose me
You chose them
I don't know why

How can you leave so freely
How can you not feel the
Same way I do right now

How can you carry on in life
Without me by your side
Without my love

How can you just move on
Like the last 5 years just
Didn't happen

How do you survive
Knowing that I'm in someone
Else's arms at night

Because I can't ******* breathe
I can't sleep
I can't funtion

At first I didn't know what I did
To deserve you
Now I don't know what I did to make you leave

I wasn't good enough
For you to stay
You decided to find love
A different way

You left me thinking
I was broken somehow
That I loved you wrong
And it's over now

It's over for you
But not for me
You still haunt
My memories

You slip into my dreams
And you whisper quietly
"No one will ever love you
Like you love me"

What's so wrong about me
That makes people leave
What scared you away
And left me to grieve

You found happiness
In someone else's arms
They give you peace of mind
Apparently I caused you harm

I'm still clueless
And I feel so alone
Surrounded by people
My home isn't my home

It's an empty shell
Without you next in bed
I can't shut these thoughts up
They're racing through my head

I try to live without you
But it doesn't feel like living
I try to love without you
But I end up giving more than receiving

As the years go by
Maybe it will hurt less
But right now
You've ripped my heart from my chest

I pretend it's okay
To see you with them
But I honestly can't
Seem to comprehend

Why I wasn't enough
Why I couldn't be what you wanted
I don't know what I messed up
But every night I'm haunted

With how things could have gone
The life we could have had
The love I felt for you
Was I really so bad

I'll never be enough
For you or for the next
I should just give up
And put myself to rest

I'll ride this high
Until I die
That Ana high
Will keep you alive

She feeds you euphoria
She fills you with doubt
First there is a typhoon
But then there is a drought

But nevermind the downside
Ana can help you thrive
Eventually you'll feel so high
You will barely feel alive

You never said thank you
But I was still there
You never said sorry
And at first I didn't care

I just cared for you
And your emotions and your life
Your strife and the weight of
Self torture you carried in your
Forearms and thighs, stomach and chest

I knew I could save you
I knew I could help you rest
Even if only for a moment
I could kiss your scars
Lick your wounds clean

And at that time I didn't
Understand
That people can be mean
To those they love

So on we went
While I tried desperately to pull you
Onto level ground
With misguided intent

You fought my help
Thrashing through life
Like a wounded animal
Scurrying from every booming sound

After your blind rampage you let me go
I was afraid I would never feel whole
But you made me realize
I was only trying to fix what was
So twisted and cracked in my own soul

You and I are similar
But not the same
Both trapped inside screaming
Punished by our own brains

The difference between you and I
Is you only understand sympathy
You mind can't grasp the concept
Of another's reality
You lack empathy

So I'm not going to get
Down on my hands and knees
And say "pretty please"
And apologize just because
You're too much of a coward
To admit when you've down wrong

I will not say sorry for existing
I will not apologize for having feelings
I will not beg for your attention
Even though the silence is chilling
I have decided to respect myself

By letting you go

There are three of us in the room

You
Me
And Silence

Sometimes Silence is kind
Gracing us with hands wrapped tight
Breathing deep, scents of each other strong
Legs tangled, arms bent, not knowing
Where one ends and the other starts

Sometimes Silence is excited
Static between us building
Twitchy and impatient
Eyes large and watching the trees roll by
As we drive down the black road

Sometimes Silence is content
And sits with us while you write words
Stroking the keys, like it is a fine instrument
And I lay reading, sipping tea across the room on the floor
The world is quite and so are we

Sometimes Silence is angry
Though we haven't experienced this yet, we will
And tension will hang like the humid summer time atmosphere
While we sit, confused and bubbling, trying to think
Of ways to say sorry without fumbling with words

Because words get in the way
And Silence is malleable, fluid
Silence is water
It can slip through our hands
Or can be contained

No matter what you do
Silence will be there

Thank you for making the Silence bearable
For making it less frigid
Less lonely or painful

Thank you for filling the Silence with so much life

Her lips, tight and curved,
Ready to string up an arrow
And launch it to the sky
To explode into a fine dust
Where a myriad of stars congregate
Just to kiss your freckled cheeks

Wrapped tightly into yourself
Head heavy and heart imploding
Trying to **** you in and make you
Believe you are the **** up they whisper about

Not sure where to place your hands
Holding your stomach or head?
Which one? Because both are aching
For comfort and attention

But both refused to be touched
By none other than yourself
Small breaths of air aren't efficient enough
Spots form in your peripheral vision

Memories play through your head
The good ones come like bolts of lightning, thin and rare
The bad in pounding rains
The worst memories slip in like poison

The thought of suicide might cross your mind
I know it does in mine
Maybe you've even attempted
Once, twice, five, eleven times

The number climbs just like the clock ticks

Ticking away, eating at precious minutes
Forcing you through another day
Filled with thoughts of razors and pills
High ledges and bullets lined up in chambers

Awaiting the day you decide to pull the trigger

But the mood ebbs away as the sun rises
Though the thoughts of suicide never leave you
They calm themselves, the storm passes
And you're left alone again

Aren't you tired of being alone?
Because I know I am
I am sick of the perpetual depression that settles
In the back of my brain

I am disgusted by how often the
Razor caresses my soft skin
And the lack of sleep and
What I day dream

Because it's often fantasies of being
Stuck six feet under
While no one stands around my grave
Because no one cares

I'm sick
I'm tired
I'm lonely
And I am more than done

Bigender
Pansexual
Asexual
Gay
Lesbian
Cisgender
Transgender
Agen­der

And many more
Labels racing through
My head
I can't even think straight
Or let alone be straight

I once thought pansexual
But I don't prefer physical interaction
Maybe bisexual?
But I like anyone and
Everyone

Asexual?
I've gotten off
I just don't prefer to
Shutting myself off
Is something I can do

Female and male stereo types
But I fit neither one
Sometimes I'm more of a man
Than my brothers could ever be
And sometimes I am more girly

All these labels
And I'm so confused
Does anyone really know?
Maybe I don't fit
Any labels

Maybe I'm just
Me

Desire to be near you
Constantly
Nipping at my brain
And overtime I see that perfect
Face of yours

My kidneys rise
Stomach flips
And my lungs scream for
Air
Because you take it away from me


The moment you walk out
Of that door I want to run up
To you and make my lips
Great yours with
Love

And I want my fingers
Intertwined with yours
Always
Every waking moment
I want to be yours

And I want you to be mine

Laying in the back of your car
Holding you close and breathing you in
I don't know what you use
But never stop, your
Intoxicating

Whether its small or deep your
Words seem to have me listening
Silence is nice, I like to think
But I'd rather have your voice
Surrounding me

Fingers carefully playing each key
Plucking at the piano effortlessly
Emotions pouring into the song
You drive me insane but I
Love it

Never stop

Breathing in the toxins
Of the cigarette
She streers left right left
Taking me higher than
I thought possible

Black roads fade into
Gravel as we start towards the
Edges of the dust bowl
In which we reside somewhere down below
In the congregate of city lights

With a sky as black as ink
We parked and stepped out into
The raging wind
And I throw my hands to the heavens
To feel free

She smiles cause she knows
With her closed mouth grin
And we sit on the roof of the car
In the most cheesy romantic way
I feel apart of her life

Kissing her pops into my head

And I nearly cry
Not out of sadness
But because of the happiness
Of almost being in love
And the fear of not almost being loved back

So fear chokes me and holds me back
It's fear that leaves us sitting there
For what seems like forever
Cause I know she can't fathom
How much I almost love her

Climbing back down I feel regret
But I am too happy to care
She drives us back home
And now the hills and the myriad
Of stars are a memory

I don't care if she almost loves me
I almost love her
As long as I can be next to her
Everything is good
And I can cry happy tears

So she keeps breathing in the toxins
Of the cigarette
While I keep a heart full of regret
And the stars will keep their beauty
And the wind will continue to rage on

Closets are for apparel
Clothes you want to hang up
And wear for another day

Closets have doors
To hide old dusty boxes
Objects to be of use for a later date

Closets can be locked
To keep the outside world
From looking into your personnel life

Closets can be crowded
Too hot or cold
Stuffy, with no room for breathing

Closets are not meant for people
For our feelings to be trapped
And locked away for another date

Don't shy away in the closet
And lock the door
From the inside out

Please

In the midst of chasing
You through my head
Dreaming of having you
When I thought I already had

I awoke to the soft shuffle
Of flats on the wooden floor
The roll of a suitcase
The soft squeak and click of the door

I laid in bed for a moment
Then a moment more
Realization hitting me
It wasn't me you adored

Your affection was held
By someone else's hand
I thought I had a tight grip
But I obviously didn't understand

I couldn't fathom the absence
Of the warmth on the sheets
An outline of your body
A missing pair of feet

Running after you would be foolish
Though it kills me not to stand
Instead I lay a moment more
Chasing you in dream land

I'm about ready to bludgeon
Someone with my microphone
And string them up
By my black cord

Stab them with a music stand
And slit their throat with the feet of it
Bash their head into the piano
Then stuff them inside of the instrument

See, choir has become a competition
A sport which everyone is
Now on their own teams
Only rooting for themselves

We all sing together
But we clash and our
Voices don't blend anymore
Instead you hear the individual's song

Selfish and cruel
They all gossip about one another
Manipulating and breaking
Each other down to dust

Confidence stripped and raw
Wounds festering and emotions building
Of the words said behind backs
And not to the face

But just because our backs our turned
Does not make us deaf
But even more unsure of
Ourselves and the people surrounding us

Choir is not a family anymore
It's World War Three
Teeth bared and claws out
Missiles ready to take out other parts

There goes the altos
Taken out by the sopranos
The baritones still talk with the tenors
But the tension is still high

Choir is dangerous
But what they don't realize is
I can be the most cunning and cruel
Animal of them all

I watch for your wrists
You know who you are
That girl, you're reading this right now
The one with the scars

I understand what is happening
Though I won't say I know
Exactly what you're going through
I do not have that right

But let me say this
I walked that block for two years
For two many years
To not know some of your fears

I know that you're scared
And some of this seems involuntary
But I promise you that
Your journey isn't solitary

I guess you could keep cutting
Up your skin
You don't have control, right?
But I have learned it does not **** what's within

Me of all people are telling you
To put down and throw away
The rusty old razors
I only want you to stay

Stay with me and stay with him
Keep the toes planted to the ground
And grow them deep into the soil
And refuse to be uprooted

The windows to your world
Start to slowly close shut
Fingers move less nimbily
Brain clicks into auto pilot

As the world gyrates around you
You stay perfectly still
The noise is distant, miles away
Almost an out of body ordeal

Your feline or canine friend
Snuggled close to youd back
Pillows surround the body
Thoughts drifting more and more of track

Floating into the darkness
Upward into the sky
You ponder your life
And ask the important questions like "why?'

Finally it engulfs you
Swollowing you whole
Mr. Sand Man's job is done
And he has checked off all his goals

I remember a time when
We stayed up till two
With dry eyes and smiles
Plastered across our face

But the mold has broken

And you don't talk to me
Instead you ignore my pleading,
Long paragraphs of thought
Formed into words

But everything has changed

You would say
"I cannot imgine you not in my life"
But here I am
Sitting on the outskirts of your mind

And I have almost been fully kicked out of town

Oh it pains me to see you
Broke and torn down
But obviously I am no longer
Of use to you

Maybe leaving would be better, but
I have been told that isn't what friends do
But I am not a friend to
You anymore

Am I?

They see the scars
But not the story
They see your mangled outer shell
But not the lessons that put you through Hell

Whether it was from a battle on the field
Or a battle in your head
Or from them cutting you open
To take out the tumor instead

Whether you now have a new
***** in your body
Or you fell of the shed
Maybe you failed at your attempt to be dead

They see the scars
Not the story

We are our worst enemies
We can be so harsh on ourselves
We are to selfish and self absorbed and
Worried about the future that we forget to
Live in the moment

We let others cut us out at the knees
We see the blade coming, but we don't
Make a move to stop it
Some people go through these timesand if

You havent already, dont worry
Your time is coming
Life is an ongoing battle and I fear the
Casualties are stacking up and up

Soon the pile while break out into
The outer hemisphere
We focus too much on the negative in life and
We loose our path and forget to live

Don't forget that the past is the past
You cannot forget it, but time fades the
Scars that will never fully fade away
You just learn from and find a way to move on

I am my own worst enemy and
I hate myself more than anyone else
But my scars are fading
And now it't time to let go

Time use to only nip
At my slender ankles
But now it gnashes and
Forces me to flee
I am being pulled through time
So quickly I feel as if I
Am traveling through the
Day, each one shorter than
The day before

And before you know it
It will be September and
Senior year will be knocking on
The door I have tried to hard to
Barricade, adding locks and boards
Of weak wood

I am only a young child
But society soon deems me an adult
Capable of a job and work
And living on my own
But I do not want to be
On my own
I want to shrink down and be
Five again, because then
I didn't think like I do now

I didn't worry about the future
College and the mysteries life holds
The people surrounding me with their
Opinions and crude thoughts
And same-*** marriage wasn't a
Huge deal for me
But now it engulfs us
swallows us whole
And I am scared

I don't want to be scared anymore

Hello, poetry
You have changed
I do not like the alterations
That you have made

Yes I will admit
This new form is slick
But a change is a change
And we will still nit pick

I do not approve
Of the lay out here
Where do I log in
And I now fear

When I have a notification
I won't see that bright yellow bolt
Of lightening, the highlight of my day
So maybe I'll revolt

Maybe I'll stop clicking
Away at the keys
And filling this page
With my poetry

But you and I both know I
Cannot stay away
Hello, Poetry, you are my home
And here I will stay

I don't want to feel anymore
And I don't think I could
Even if I wanted to
Even if they say I should

I physically cannot bear
More mental pain
I receive enough hurt
From my own brain

So drowning out the feelings
And cutting off the ties
Is all that I can do
To try and survive

Day by day passes
But I barely feel a thing
The world seems surreal
I'm not sure any of this is happening

Maybe it's all an illusion
Just some ****** up dream
Maybe my reality is
Not quite what it seems

Because when I slice into my
Arm and watch the blood pour out
It looks like I'm cutting paper
And heightening all my doubts

My doubts on my family
My friends and the sky
The trees that sway around
They seem to wave good bye

Well I wave bye to you, reader
Because this just might be it
This might be the last of everything
I think it's time to quite

I was sad before
But now I am depressed
And it dines on me
Slow some days, fast others

I was terribly, deeply sad before
Especially when I was alone
But I still smiled and
I still continued to feel

But now I am numb
And suicide is a constant companion
Lingering over me
Waiting for me to grab her hand and run

But I am at a stand still
A battle within myself
I am trying to decide whether to run
Or to stand tall and anchor myself to the soil

I cannot seem to stay clean
Days will pass since my last encounter
Then it starts all over again
And I feel guilty

Because I am worthless
And almost all my friends have left me
Disgusting, terrible, fat, nasty, pathetic
All branded on my body for the world to see

I feel numb
I feel alone
Tired and depressed
But no matter how I feel

I will still whisper
Steady "okay"'s and "I'm fine"'s
Cover my arms and legs
Hide away from the world because

I don't want you to worry

I am so alone
And I shouldn't be
For when I am left alone
Memories swirl and the
Past rises from the grave
The blade calls to me and
Anxiety hits me like a brick wall

Death is so tempting when I
Am alone, left to ponder
How quickly it will be
Long and painful
Short, like falling asleep
I don't know
And I hate not knowing

I hate being lonely

Before I let them
Rip open the earth and
Stick me under just
To sew it back up
I want to fly

I want to loose my breathe
With the wind and
Close my eyes, to be at peace
For three fragile seconds
I want the wind to slip through
My hair and my make up to
Be ruined
I want to smile and be
Happy for three seconds

Before I come crashing down
And land on solid ground
Reality will hit
My body will just be a body
No me inside
But before I let this world take me
I want to be free and live
For the first time
Right before I die