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I'm always searching for peace
Some sort of resolve to chapters
That never received a clear cut ending
Trying to finish writing a story that I didn't start
Viscously attempting to make sense of it all
Filling in the blanks with timid words
Guessing at how it was supposed to end

I want to be angry
I want to leave everyone behind
Go where no one knows my name
Where guilt and shame aren't forced  on me
Find myself and move on like everyone else gets to do
I wonder what it's like to be able to breathe
To break apart from your past self
To find inner peace

I wonder what it's like to be loved by someone
With their whole heart
To be their first choice
I wonder what that looks like
To be loved with no expectations
Trusting someone so deeply
I wonder what it feels like to be held
By someone who could never imagine
Letting you get away
I wonder a lot of things

There's a shadow looming over
Breathing down my neck
It won't let me forget
It forces me to remember

I don't want to remember
I just want my story to end
Ellyn k Thaiden May 2020
I've become such a people pleaser. I'll do anything to make people that I love not leave me. Everyone leaves me. Isn't that funny?

And as I please and I please, little bites of me are taken. With ever slice into my flesh I finally become useful, like they said I could be. Isn't this hysterical?

After so many years of keeping quiet. So many times being told that you're looking for attention, because you're "just not that interesting". After no one hearing you, you just stopped taking all together. Are you laughing yet?

There are things I thought I had locked away, I thought could never get through the walls of my heart. These memories bombard their way up my throat and straight to my eyes. Now it's all I see. All I hear. All I feel. Those hands and heavy breathing. The creek of the wooden stairs. How cold my skin went. How I would just lay there and stay silent. It's just ******* hilarious?

It's so hilarious I forgot to laugh.
I'm annngry and sad and also just ******* numb and done with existence.
Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2019
I had never felt such a way,
Until I met you

You cracked me apart and
Made me into something new

Your eyes, your lips
The way your fingers danced

When you played me piano,
Placed me in a tranced

Little did I know that
Was your siren song

Luring me into your arms
As I followed along

But now we've grown older
Then we drifted far apart

If only I could go back in time
And stop it from the start

Maybe I wouldn't lay awake at night
Wishing I could make us feel right
Forcing myself to see the light
Instead what I feel is contrite
Instead I feel my airways, so tight
My brain is toxic, so let it ignite

Burn every bridge I ever built
Set it ablaze and walk away

Let the fire consume me and
Turn to ash what I cannot say

When we first crossed paths
There was a moment I was sure

That you would be my forever
That our love was pure

But then you cracked me open
I was raw and exposed

Slowly I lost myself
I started to necrose

I was holding myself together
Using glue that didn't stick

When you decided to attack me again
With your ***** tricks

You said you had met them
And that you loved them so

So quickly you gave up on us
So quickly you did forgo

When you left me, you left scars
Scars I'm afraid to show

And now you're talking about them
Your new lovers and how

You had never felt such a way,
Until you met them
Ellyn k Thaiden Sep 2019
Why are we here?
How did we get here?
Where do we go from here?
When did you stop loving me?

Was it a year ago? Two?
Was is more than that?
When did the feelings start to fade?
What did I do for you to stop caring?

The thing is
I feel like you think I'm terrible
I'm walking garbage
You left me like I was

What did you see in me
In the first place?
Why did you even choose me
In the first place?

Was it slow?
Was it some specific action?
I tried to be there for you
I tried to help

But you never let me in
You never let me help
Even when you were vulnerable
You were still closed up

I feel like I never knew you
I feel like you wouldn't know me anymore
I'm not the same person
I'm different, things have changed

They will never go back to
What they were
But I have this sick fantasy
Made up in my head

That you'll call me at 3 a.m.
Voice shaking and heart aching
You'll take everything back
You'll say sorry and want me again

Want me like how I want you

I can't talk to anyone
The way I can talk to you
I can't sit in silence with anyone
The way silence feels comfortable with you

No one feels like you
My heart is empty
I've been doing stupid things
Letting stupid things happen

Just so I can feel something
Anything at all
But everything is numb
It feels like I'm in a play

I'm a guest star in my own life
I'm sleep walking on set
I'm a robot, performing basic functions
I'm a puppet, letting everyone tug on my strings

Nothing feels real anymore
No where feels like home
No one feels like home
I don't know what to do or where to go

I am stuck in a place
I'm not even sure where it is anymore
I can't stop rambling
Filling this empty space

Nothing fills this empty space
My heart still aches
Everyone feels like a stranger
No where is home

I just want to die
Because then the pain would be over
At least I wouldn't feel empty
I just wouldn't exist anymore

That's better than this empty I feel

I can't go back
I don't think I deserve to go back
I don't deserve a lot of things
I don't deserve a lot of people

I don't deserve to be here
They don't deserve someone
As empty as me
As cold and harsh as me

Everyone is pretending to like me
My own lover hates the way I look
My own family tolerates me
That's why I can't leave

If I were to leave
What would I do?
Where would I go?
I'm trapped

I'm trapped in this empty shell
I'm trapped in my own head
I'm trapped in this relationship
I'm so tired
Ellyn k Thaiden Sep 2019
Sometimes I still wait for you
To walk through the door from work
And sometimes I still feel
Your arms around me, embracing me

Sometimes I still hear you
That laugh
Always contagious
Always filling up a room

Sometimes I still miss you
My heart aches
And emotions are still raw
Sometimes I wish you were here

Sometimes I still see you
Where you shouldn't be anymore
I should be okay
I should be fine

I should move on
I should stop being angry
Or sad or anything really
Over someone who doesn't even think about me

But here I am
Still hearing you
Still seeing you
Still feeling you
Still wishing you were here
Ellyn k Thaiden Aug 2019
My whole life
I've been described as

Trauma after trauma
I thought being an adult
Would solve these problems

I thought turning eighteen
And leaving my home behind
Would mean the end

But growing up doesn't mean
Bad things will suddenly
Stop happening to you

Growing up doesn't save you
From these new monsters
Under our beds

Growing up doesn't mean
That you're safe with the people
You thought you were safe with

Growing up just means you're
At it completely
And totally alone

The people you look toward
For comfort are the reason
That you're running in the first place

We are all born naked and alone
And we will all pass away
Naked and alone

Fight for yourself
Grow up for yourself
Live for yourself

Because in the end
You're what matters the most
You are all that's left
Ellyn k Thaiden May 2019
Some things have gotten
Mush worse since you left
Like how I can't stop the
Voices in my head anymore

My OCD is at its worse
I can't stop counting numbers
My anxiety won't leave me alone
It tells me I shouldn't leave the house

My parents wonder why I
Don't visit as often
My friends wonder why I would
Rather stay home than go out

My depression says to me
"No one loves you"
And my body feels like
A ******* strangers

I either eat too much
Or nothing at all
I don't sleep for days
Or I don't leave the bed for hours

But other things in my life
Have improved since you've been gone
Like I feel like I'm finally with
Someone who can be honest with me

I can finally write again
I can draw
I can read
I can breathe

You taught me how to love myself
When you never even loved me
You taught me how to respect
Myself and live freely

You showed me many different
Points of view
And how to open yourself up
To the people who deserve it

You taught me I need to respect myself
And to not let others dictate
How I feel
Or how I live my life

You taught me a lot
Like that I don't need you
To survive this life anymore
I can walk on my own now

Some things in my life feel like
They are falling apart
And slowly slipping from me
Like oiled up hands grasping at the edge of the cliff

But some things are slowly falling
Back into place
And maybe
Just maybe

I can live this life without you next to me

Maybe I will be okay in the end

Maybe I can find my way back to the light

Just maybe my life can be mine again
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