The date is blurred out numbers
Running through my head
But I remember she caught my eye
And my stomach then felt like lead

Hair a ***** blonde and
Hazel eyes occupied by
Her own thoughts racing
Little did I know her thoughts said "die"

Later I would hear from peers
That she was a walking cry for attention
She sat silently with bruises on her thighs
But it was the self harming they forgot to mention

I watched her every day walk
In and out of class
Sit in the same seat
With a different book each time she'd pass

The girl would pull back
Her bangs from her view
And study her frail pages
Each word to her new

The day I had decided to
Ask her out to a date
Was the day her desk sat empty
I thought maybe she was late

But several days passed without
An appearance from the teen
I figured she was sick or had moved
Without having been seen

Magically eighteen days later
She settles into the chair
Girl looks up and smiles at me
And I am suddenly aware

She tried to leave the town
Leave the state and country
She tried to leave the planet
On a spaceship to see

The planets and stars
Meteors flying by
The rings of Saturn
She tried to fly so high

But was grounded from her mission
The abort button was hit
Now the girl is back with me
And in her chair she sits

She flew away into the sun
But the wax wings melted her hope

I watched what the world did to him
Leaving scares on his skin
As he tried to be whole again
With all these pieces missing of him

And laying on the bed with
Tears in his eyes
He watched the ceiling fan go round
Letting escape a heavy sigh

He walked through the arch of his door way
And went straight to the bathroom drawers
There he pulled out the razors
Ready to take away more

I watched the world rip him apart
Into unrecognizable shreds
Scaring him on the inside
Letting his outside become slowly dead

Each slice rips away
A little more of your soul
And you don't see it happening
Till it's cost a deathly toll

I watched the world take him away
Not a care in their head
Until my precious him
Was in a coffin, dead

Hazel the eyes which
Stare at me
Asking me questions
Without mumbling a word
Keeping quite across the room
But the intensity still travels to me

Asking questions about
My history and what
Else might trouble me
But questions can be troublesome
And answers just as unclear
So keep sitting and staring at me

But my eyes are staying shut
Right along with my mouth

I've lost the ones I hold dear
To the other crowds around
The *** smokers and chain smokers
The cheer leaders and class clowns

All the cool kids in the street
Basically everyone that you could possibly meet
Except me, I sit here lonely
Only called upon to be used as a seat

I'm walked on and trashed on
And I don't really blame them anyways
For I am disgusting and weak
Having see my better days

So good bye my so called friends friends
I hope you find what you're looking for
While I sit here and wait patiently
For new friends to walk in the door

But there won't be any new friends
That's the punchline, you see
I don't expect you to understand it
Because that "I" was once "We"

That's okay
I don't like me either

High school will be
The best four years
Of your short
History

But they are wrong
To state these lies
To fill our head with hopes
Just to let them die

It is more like four years
Of mandatory Hell
In small little rooms
With small windows
Where you are told to
Sit and stay
Behave and be quite
Don't speak your mind
Tolerate your peers
Do as we say with no questions asked
Grades are everything
Forget your social life
Your happiness
Mental health and
Well being
It will not matter

High school is beyond
Describable
For I cannot put torment
Into words, it is undefinable

Of course you've left
I don't blame you
Because who could love a girl
Who does not love herself
What man could just stand by
And watch her slowly die
Take razors to her skin
And fight a loosing battle within

Of course you don't want to
Be around for my own demise
I'm only a ticking time bomb
Watching the world pass
Me by while I do nothing
But sit in a puddle of my own self loathing
Who would want to stick around for that

No one would
No one can love a girl
Who doesn't love herself
Due to the voices in her head
Placed there by years of torture and
Genetics, not by choice but
Only by force
Of course you wouldn't love me

Who could love a girl
Who doesn't even love herself?

The answer is obviously
No one

Running around from boy to
Boy, the occasional female or two
Just to try to fix myself
To not see what is true

Forcing myself to kiss
To not shy away from touch
But I know I cannot keep
Away from reality's clutch

"So what if you like girls
I think that is okay"
But you don't hate to live
With it every single day

You don't have to be paranoid
About the glances shot your way
You don't have to live with
Trying to keep feelings at bay

And the one girl I know
That I have fallen for
Does not deserve someone like me
Someone with all these doors

Closed tight and locked
With the key thrown in the hay stack
I am a terrible human being
Who does not deserve to be loved back

It's late
The sky covered in a
Heavy blanket
Of darkness and stars
And my head pounds
Each beat whispering your name
Ears ringing and singing
The same

The sound
All through out the house
****** up in the vacuum
Of anguish and pain
It dulls the senses and weakens
The body I reside in
Eyes red from the tears I've shed
And regret taking up the entire room
And pressing itself into me

You never loved me
And I'm slowing starting to
Accept that maybe I
Never loved you either

I only wanted to be
Enough, but as always
You didn't deem me as enough

No, instead you broke
My heart with such ease
I wonder if you're even human

I understand why you left
My hobby was over bearing
You kept to your promise

So leave and chase your sun
While your old, out of date star
Sits here, collapsing in on itself

Creating a black hole of
Misery and self loathing
While I whisper I'm fine

But I'm not

One more time
You said one more time
Then you would leave

So you did
Now it's not just one
More time

I can't stop
Taking the blade to
Fresh skin

I am so sorry I
Let you down
But that is what I am best at

You look me in the eyes
And threaten to leave me
Because you think my blades
Are all that I can see

But the truth is that
Just because I love you
Doesn't mean you can fix me
This you can simply not do

I will stop on my own time
With my own will
And it will not be because of
Love for you

But love for myself

Stuck
Like I've licked the frozen pole
Trapped until we thaw
Until someone has the mercy
To pour water over my mouth
And set me free

Who knew that person would
Be me

It is hard to grab your own water
And fill the pail
When you are immobile
But we all have to learn how to
Fetch our own pails of water
Because you cannot be free
And in control till
You've decided you will be

You have to push through the *******
The lies people will spoon feed you
With cheap, plastic spoons
Finding your own way is not easy
But what is the point of life
When there is no struggle and challenge
To be had

I am trimming down the seemingly
Never ending list of people who
I have let affect me through the years
And I am deciding to be free instead
Of grasping onto straws
Of self hatred and loathing
I am releasing the hold people
Have on me and
I feel better doing so

Hopefully I will meet new
People to fill that void of loneliness
But I would rather be lonely than
Suffer with people who break me
And drag me down

This year will be different
I will mold myself into the person
I want to be
Not the girl everyone else
Thinks I should be

I will change

Two and a half years of
Hiding under my Levi's
And cheap, holey sweaters
Jackets, handed down from mother
And gloves made out of toe socks

Two and a half years of blaming
It on the cat, pointing fingers
At sharp cornered desks and
Dogs and messing around with friends
Hiding my secret, holding it close to me

Today, I took of my jacket
And the world, being cruel as it is
Forced me to crawl right back inside
With eyes prying and people touching
And their judgmental, pity looks

But tomorrow will be different
And I wont let young eyes
Stop me from being afraid
To show my forearms
I promise this

It's time for some change
Because I can't go on faking
My smile for fake people anymore
And hiding my body from the world
Because I am beautiful

Or so they say

Pick me up from my
*****, scratched knees and set
Me on my way
Because there is more to this
Old world than the people who
Were placed on it

Little boy
With the heart so tender
And fingers so fine
While intertwined with mine
You know that the sun is there
But yet you continue to frown
Because you can't have it
All for your own

I know I might not be the sun
Just another lonely star in another
Far away constellation
But I hope I am good enough for you

Little boy
With arms open wide
You face the struggle of the world
Head on
I hope I can ease the pain
The world has to hand you
Because you have sure eased mine

Anticipation is dissolving
My already thin patience

I am excited to ink
My body and dim the old lines

Painting a new story on the
Canvas, writing over the old

The old words on my body will
Still linger there

But fade will the scars
And my memories will blur

And my new story will be magnificent
I can promise that

Pathetic is the label
I've branded onto my own skin
With razor blades and broken glass
With the voices that are within

I can't even look at my own
Body without shying back with disgust
And regret of the first day
I chased after the razors with lust

Weak is what I see
It's filled up every corner of me
And while everyone stares so blindingly
With their smiles curved so happily

I cry and feel empty
Though I'm filled with so much hate
Filled with anger and sorrow
That the blades are my lonely fate

Wide as a bus, she stares back at me
Fat spilling over my jeans
And pushing against my shirt
Pop pop popping at the seams

I will never be perfect
But I will always try
Even if that means not eating
And sneaking in some lies

This is my globe
That I revolve around
This is my tiny world
Where I feel so safe and sound

I've hit a new low
By smashing a hand mirror
Into many new sharp edges
And using it to carve a new story

Into my wrists and thighs
And as I whispered my good byes
To my new years resolution
I cried because I realised

I don't know if I want to get better
Everyone wants me to
Everyone is rooting and cheering me on
But I'm stuck here, wondering

Why I want to get better
And why can't I get worse
I see no reason not to
Nothing is stopping me

And the throbbing in my leg and wrist
Reminds me that there is no escape
I can't do anything right
And I don't want to get better

What's the point

I use to think I was the
One and only
Solitary wolf on my
Lonely journey into hell and

I would stay up all night wondering.
Why I had to be the one and only.
But I was foolish and one soon
Became a few.

And over the years and
After crying puddles of tears
A few slowly morphed into many.
And as that many grew

Into several, it became
Way more than just a few.
Now I stand with an ocean of faces
Of old and young.

Faces so new and fragile to
The harsh earth, and faces
Who know what its like to
Be broken down into so many pieces

That they truly believe that razor
Blades, pieces of hot metal,
Hair pulling and nail biting and
Hitting your head on a brick wall are

Solutions to the pain.
The pain we harbor and hold so dearly
To our fragile hearts.
Because without pain and loneliness

How do you live? After years
Of pain and self inflicted torture
How do you live a normal life?
How do you walk around like those

Years never happened to you?
I am starting to learn that
You just don't. You live and breathe
And you don't forget the past, oh no.

You just let the wounds scab over,
Like the cuts that used to fester,
And you learn to live again.
You can't go back and erase the past,

Believe me, I've tried! But you learn
That just because you're a little
Scratched up, doesn't mean someone
Won't see you're beauty.

So let the wounds heal over
And yes, go back and trace the scars with
Your fingers. Because that's not all of who
You are anymore. It's just a small part

Of your life.

The slicing and dicing
Game is getting out of hand
And I'm loosing control
Doesn't anyone understand

My thigh now covered
My forearm raw
With bright ****** lines
That nobody saw

And I'm sitting in my bed
Clutching my shoulders and rocking
Because I can't throw away the teeth
That keep biting and locking

Their rusty jaws on my body
And the battle wounds are deep
I try to fight my demons but
They come in at night and creep

Into my bed and infest my dreams
With horrors of my past
And visions of unspeakable things
And I don't think I'll last

Another night trapped inside my scared body
Because my demons are inside
And they're clawing and demanding to be let
Loose, my mouth open wide

So I cut loose my demons
And with every slice
Another one is freed
It just took a little splice

I feel like my mouth is being pried
Open wide by the jaws of life
And someone is laughing and pouring
Sand down my dry throat

And into my aching empty heart
Where you still sit and stay
And all I wanted was to be okay
I guess that's not okay

I'm coughing and loosing air
Not like you would care
And while I'm dying to find a way to slit
My throat open wide

You still stand there and stare
At the freak show happening because
Everyone is wondering why I'm
Choking on sand but

They were the ones to force it
Down in the first place
And instead of helping me out
They just find my struggle entertaining

So let's stop fighting
The struggle is tiring
And my voice is barely there as I
Let out a barely audible "*******"

I wish I'd never told you
I now feel your eyes
Through my sweater and jeans
And my privacy feels stripped

This isn't what I wanted
Not even a little
I only wanted you to know so if
I cut too deep it wouldn't shock you

Now I don't know how to act
Around my own mother
I feel awkward and ashamed
All I feel is sadness and pity from you

Please don't let the cuts change
Everything around me
Because change is the last
Thing I need right now

Sweet relief and
Unattainable bliss
Inconsistent with reality
Calming, surprisingly
Irrational, maybe, but who cares as
Dawn approaches and I am dead
Empty of all blood and life

One day there was a boy
Who saw a pretty girl
She had warm Autumn hair
And eyes of blown blue and green glass

The boy knew he had to introduce
Himself to this small girl
So he walked right up to her
And started to sign his words

His hands flew through the air
Nervously trying to say hi
The girl nodded her head and pulled
Out the pen and paper

And at this old coffee shop
They spent hours writing away
Words started to rush together
And sentences turned into paragraphs

By the end of their chat
She wrote a number below
She received unlimited texts
And wanted to see him again

Love is funny that way
It bends and breaks rules
It twists into different shapes
Sounds and smells

Love is ready to do
What it takes to make it work
Even if one person cannot
Work their own vocal chords

Stumbling down the winding
Road I start to question
Where I'm going
And my destination

Why do I walk and
What for and where
How does this help or hinder
Why should I even care

But I notice as I walk
The winding path made for me
There are many people stumbling
And obstacles they do not foresee

And I walk my winding road
Just trying to make it down
Like everybody else on the slippery hill
As the world keeps spinning around and around

I don't quite know how
You knew but you did
I was about to cut up
When you calmed me down

You called me asking if I
Was fine, and I whispered
"I'm not" into the phone
And I started to cry

Thank you for knowing

I love how you have branded
Me with the words
Beautiful, gorgeous,
Smart, funny

While others have been staining
Different flavors on my coffee table like
Ugly, dumb,
Clingy, overwhelming

You see past the flaws
And the flaws you do see
You turn into my quirks
And that they're just apart of me

You don't try to morph me
Mold me like clay
You accept me as a fine piece of
Art still being painted

So thank you
For sticking around
Through the ups and
Through my downs

Your jacket I kept today
And now I'm swaddled in
Your smell and the vastness of it

Laying in my bed I
Engulf you, take in the perfume
Of your natural body

And it feels like you're right here
Curled up next to me and
All around me

I am swallowed by you
While I cry and wish with my
Heavy heart that you were really here

I invited my friend over
To keep from killing myself
I wish I didn't even ask
Because I now feel trapped

The urge to cut too strong
The will to die to great
I am trying to crawl out of the hole
But it feels like Depression gnaws at my feet

It bites at the nails on my toes
And wraps the tongue around the ankle
It's claws tug at my waist
The aroma of death clings to me

And I'm trying to keep my head
Above the abyss of sadness
But I'm so tempted just to
Let myself sink in

To allow my body to relax
And let depression drag me down
My muscles are sore from holding on
My body is scared beyond
recognition

It feels like a long way
Down to the bottom
But I bet if I let is slit my wrists
I would feel the relief I crave

So monster monster
Hiding in my head
Come out now, come out
It's time for me to be dead

Are you sad, my dear?
Because it's quit clear
That your mask that you made
Out of tears and ash

Is starting to peel away
And your heart is starting to pay
The hefty price of pain
From casting your heart

Are you tired, my dear?
It's near the end of the year
It's been a long time
Since you've had good rest

You whisper you're just tired
But we know that you're wired
In a different way
Where tired means dead inside

Are you done, my dear?
With shedding your tears
And sliceing and burning yourself
And not being happy with your reflection

Because I'm done too
Salty tears are too true
Maybe it's time to pop the pills
And take a trip right down the hill

No I'm not
I'm not okay
See through my lies
Through my strong facade, disguise

"I'm tired or bored"
"No I'm just thinking"
I am so tired
And I am thinking

Of terrible thoughts
Of nasty words
My world is spinning
And the depression is winning

My hand shakes as I
Add another cut
To my thigh, where no one
Can see how I'm just done

Done with life
With the so called friends
I'm done putting on a face
So I don't leave a residue, any trace

Of sticky, sour sadness
Anywhere near your happiness
I'm done saying I'm okay
That it's just the left overs of a long day

I'm tired of lies spilling so easily
From my tainted mouth
I'm tired of breathing
And weeping

I'm tired of being lonely
Of nights spent crying in bed
I'm tired of every one believing
Of me so easily deceiving

I'm tired of cutting
But I just can't ******* stop
I'm tired of a lot of things
And what life has next to dish up

So yes
"Oh I'm just tired"
Tired of living

I deactivated my Facebook
Deactivated is such a strange word
More like I left because I was tired of seeing
Every one talking to one another

Every one discussing weekend plans
Of past, present, and soon to come
Of their fun family trips
And I'm sitting here

Lonely and uninvited
Crying my eyes out
Wishing for a friend
Hoping to be liked

Jealous? Definitely.
My two best friends don't talk
To me, but they talk to their
Facebook walls and other people

They hang out with others
Others but me
I'm not saying they can't have
Their own set of friends

I just feel cheated because
Whenever they need me I try to
Always show up and
Pat their backs and wipe tears

But in a time where I need
My friends the most
They've vanished for what seems like forever
Abandoned me

I just don't want to be alone
Can't be alone
When I am suicide pops up
And the cutting starts again

So please friends don't
Leave me alone

While other kids laughed
And played their days away
I spent mine hiding in a shell
Building my walls, made of

The tears I cried
The ash of dreams I once dreamt
My own bones for the structure inside
And the blood which flowed freely

While other kids slept
I cried my night's away
And made myself physically sick by
Crying too much

At a young age I thought of
The world and the agony we
Are forced through
Because I'd been through it myself

While other kids didn't worry
About the financial situation their
Parents were in
At age five I was

I didn't mention the class shirts
Or the fields trips as much as I should
And I worries about Christmas
And how to pay the rent instead

While other kids enjoyed their youth
I was too busy focusing on the future
And trying to grow up
That I didn't savor my childhood

I'm still young but not
Young enough to truly enjoy
The days on the play ground
Or the birthday parties with the clowns

Now I'm big and I still worry
Nothing has changed
And I feel more alone
Than I ever have

When I was little
I would stare up at
My mother and think to myself
That's what I want to be when I grow up

I wanted nothing more than
To become my mother
Who tucked me in
Kissed my scrapes

Who nurtured me
Brought me water when I was
Sick and sang me to sleep
And who told me how strong I was

Little did I know
That moms are dished out
Their own servings of problems
But my mom was different

She was served piles of
Left overs and week old bread
Water unfit for a dog
And dessert was scarce

Later I learned I was the dessert
So was my father
Though he was more sour than others
She didn't care, she loved it all

But as I've grown older
The piles of unfit food
Are tumbling down
Right on top of me

My mother's food labeled
Bipolar, depression
Anxiety, self harm
Body image issues and so much more

More than one person should
Be dished up, more than
One person can stomach
Too much for the plate to handle

The plate is cracked, chipped
Used, with a residue still blanketed over
And we've learned our eyes are bigger than
Our stomachs and we attempt the plate alone

But you can't handle a full course meal
If you're stomach is so small

I've learned that even though
Doctors label my mother
Crazy and unstable
I still crave to be her

Because she's survived through
What seems like everything
And she is not only alive
But my mother is living

Maybe not the way she imagined
But she still tries to make
The best of each day
She does so much with so little

Yes, I still want to be my mother
I want to be strong and brave
Kind and nurturing
I want to be everything she thinks she isn't

Because she is my everything

And if you can't see anything
Beautiful about yourself
Get a better mirror
Look a little closer
Stare a little longer!

Because there's something
Inside you that made you
Keep trying despite
Everyone who told you to quit

You built a cast around
Your broken heart,
And you signed it!
You signed it

'They Were Wrong'!

It's the night before Christmas
The night is tonight
The house is dark
Except for one light

The light belongs to a lamp
Of a small Boy
Who stays up for Santa
To bring him joy

And on this young lad's wish list
Is only one thing
The item a name
A name with meaning

The Boy does not sleep
His heart drums in his chest
For hope that one person
Will come home from the west

Boy watches the time
Tick away on the clock
Minutes turn into hours
Boy's stomach sits like rocks

Next thing he sees is
Is the sunrise set in
Boy gets up to wake his mom
His face holds a grin

He drags his mother down
The cold wooden stairs
The railing smooth under little fingers
Boy stops and stares

Under the tree
Are boxes and bows
The Boy's stocking is full
And is hanging heavily, low

The Boy frowns and doesn't budge
His mother nudges him along
They sit down and open every
Present, which took very long

By the end the boy was near
To tears, his cheeks puffy
His mother petted his hair
Which was Brown and fluffy

Her tears spilt over her eyes
She bowed her head and said
"I am so sorry I can't give you what
You want, I am so sorry Ted

But daddy is over seas
And we'll see him sooner than you think
I promise he'll come back from war
I'm sorry I'm so weak"

The boy cupped her face
In his tiny hands where
She'd been crying and whispered
"But mommy, daddy's right there"

I want to please you
Make you happy in a
Way only I can satisfy
Quench a thirst in your parched throat

I only wish it were so simple

I'm scared to be touched
I hate to be tickled
Physical contact puts me on edge
Every stroke deepens the wedge

In my heart
And in my brain
It's now a knee **** reaction
To pull away from your passion

I'm sorry my love
I can't give everything you desire
I wish I could give it away
Throw the fears and past behind

I only wish it were so simple

After you go through Hell
You don't talk about it
You try to push it back
Down your throat

What might seem like Hell
Another person might pray for
But to you it seem like your lowest
It seems like rock bottom

Little did I know
That after the rock hits
It borrows deep into the sand
And continues its journey down

I'm prepared for more
**** to hit the fan
I have braced myself
And I hope to brave this storm too

Because this too shall pass

When I was young
I promised myself
To never turn into the monsters
I saw on the glowing screen

But years pass by
And the promises we've
Made ourselves fade away
And we roll around in our broken dreams

We bathe in sadness
In guilt and shame
We swallow lies society feeds us
How we should behave

Perfect lips and ribs poking
A thigh gap and straight teeth
Tall and lean
Tan with no blemishes

These are the ingredients
For a perfect body to fit
Right into society
And to be happy

The promises had
Nearly slipped through the
Cracks in this fragile thing
We've named 'life'

I've forgotten my own
Oaths I've made
I'm sorry younger me
You would be proud

When I was younger
If I was shown what my future would be
Maybe I would have tried to change
Or slit my wrists to prevent the inevitable

But this is my life now
This is what I've become
I don't like what I see
I'm not having any fun

Her dreams were full of water
Of exploring the dark blue
And now her wish is fulfilled
Her ashes are spread among the Pacific

He used to want to fly
Way up in the sky
But now his dreams are ruined
Cause he's six feet below the frost

You worry too much
About my own set of
Problems and your imagination
Runs wild, blinded by love

"You're killing yourself
Slowly with every slice
Every incision and bruise and burn
Every mark so precise"

I remind you that I have it
Under control, my control
That every mark I make myself
Fills the little holes in my soul

But with every hole I fill
They seem to sink back in
So I make the marks on my body
On the top of the skin

I promise I have control of
The little beast inside
The one that breaks free every night
The one that I desperately try to hide

So do not fret love
For I have the control
I will win every battle
That is purely my role

We desperately cling to
Love, no matter how
Terrible it may be

No matter if it hurts
Us and breaks our being
We just want compassion

So we hand it out
Like candy, something we can
Always obtain more of

But one day the candy well
Runs dry and when we're left crying
The ones who took leave us on the ground

They say we chase after
Love we think we deserve
That we want what we can't have

I never realised how true
The words rang until
It was too late

And now I'm faced with
The challenge every day
Because of what I think

I think I don't deserve love
Because I push them away
Where they should stay

I guess I am fortunate
I have discovered a person
Who thinks I am worthy of love

Even when I think
I am too scared, too nervous
Too ashamed or broken

Thank you for believing in me
When I cant even have faith
In my own self