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Nov 2023 · 272
I Don't Want To Die
Ellyn k Thaiden Nov 2023
I don't want to die

I just want enough cash to survive.
I just want food on the table,
Clothes on our backs,
And a handful of of happy memories

I don't want to die

I just want life to be simple,
I just want to run away from my problems,
I just want
I just want
I just want
I just want to

I don't want to die

I want to not feel selfish.
I just want to take a breath.
To not feel the guilt creep in,
Every time I watch Netflix or Disney.
Every time I try to get a good deal at Walmart or Amazon,
When I buy a burger,
Buy a shirt,
Buy a vacuum,
Buy water
that I'm helping a company further dig it's talons into our soil, our souls,
Our morales trying to take refuge somewhere not in reality
Because this reality can't sustain
A healthy mind
And a healthy wallet
At the same time

I don't want to die

My mind won't stop screaming.
The mind never quiets,
Never pauses,
Never takes respite.

I have locked eyes with something,
I'm not sure what yet.
It waits patiently, though,
At the edge of my vision.

It feels like I can't breathe,
I can't breathe,
"Please, bend the knee,
Get off of me!"

I don't want to die

Gaza is being bombed
Mother's cry out for their children
Father's carry theirs in grocery sacks
The people have been cut of from water, food, electricity, internet

I don't want to die

But sometimes it feels endless,
Feels like I'll never get my peace,
It feels like I'm carving out a place in the world that rejects me at every turn.
An endless fight, rolling the stone uphill.
And yet, I try.

I don't want to die.

I want to keep trying.

I want to keep moving,
Keep making noise
We need to keep making noise,
Now is the time that we resist
Now is the time that we fight back

They can't keep us in the dark anymore
We are seeing the light
Post by post
Video by video
Lived experience, parasocial relationships, live footage
We are watching the horror around the world
As a collective
We can be so much more than individuals, we can rise up
As a collective

I don't want to die

Sometimes it might feel like
I want to die
But I promise, it's not a permanent feeling
We can channel our anguish into passion
Our passion into words
Our words into action
We have the power of transmutation
We can decide where our story goes

I don't want to die

I want to fight
Free Palestine. Free Hawaii. Free Congo. Free Puerto Rico. And more. And don't lose hope. We have the power to change so much. We are on the brink of a whole new way of life, where capitalism and patriarchy and religion don't have to rule our lives. We can do amazing things.
May 2021 · 225
Final Chapter
Ellyn k Thaiden May 2021
I'm always searching for peace
Some sort of resolve to chapters
That never received a clear cut ending
Trying to finish writing a story that I didn't start
Viscously attempting to make sense of it all
Filling in the blanks with timid words
Guessing at how it was supposed to end

I want to be angry
I want to leave everyone behind
Go where no one knows my name
Where guilt and shame aren't forced  on me
Find myself and move on like everyone else gets to do
I wonder what it's like to be able to breathe
To break apart from your past self
To find inner peace

I wonder what it's like to be loved by someone
With their whole heart
To be their first choice
I wonder what that looks like
To be loved with no expectations
Trusting someone so deeply
I wonder what it feels like to be held
By someone who could never imagine
Letting you get away
I wonder a lot of things

There's a shadow looming over
Breathing down my neck
It won't let me forget
It forces me to remember

I don't want to remember
I just want my story to end
Ellyn k Thaiden May 2020
I've become such a people pleaser. I'll do anything to make people that I love not leave me. Everyone leaves me. Isn't that funny?

And as I please and I please, little bites of me are taken. With ever slice into my flesh I finally become useful, like they said I could be. Isn't this hysterical?

After so many years of keeping quiet. So many times being told that you're looking for attention, because you're "just not that interesting". After no one hearing you, you just stopped taking all together. Are you laughing yet?

There are things I thought I had locked away, I thought could never get through the walls of my heart. These memories bombard their way up my throat and straight to my eyes. Now it's all I see. All I hear. All I feel. Those hands and heavy breathing. The creek of the wooden stairs. How cold my skin went. How I would just lay there and stay silent. It's just ******* hilarious?

It's so hilarious I forgot to laugh.
I'm annngry and sad and also just ******* numb and done with existence.
Dec 2019 · 200
Until I Met You
Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2019
I had never felt such a way,
Until I met you

You cracked me apart and
Made me into something new

Your eyes, your lips
The way your fingers danced

When you played me piano,
Placed me in a tranced

Little did I know that
Was your siren song

Luring me into your arms
As I followed along

But now we've grown older
Then we drifted far apart

If only I could go back in time
And stop it from the start

Maybe I wouldn't lay awake at night
Wishing I could make us feel right
Forcing myself to see the light
Instead what I feel is contrite
Instead I feel my airways, so tight
My brain is toxic, so let it ignite

Burn every bridge I ever built
Set it ablaze and walk away

Let the fire consume me and
Turn to ash what I cannot say

When we first crossed paths
There was a moment I was sure

That you would be my forever
That our love was pure

But then you cracked me open
I was raw and exposed

Slowly I lost myself
I started to necrose

I was holding myself together
Using glue that didn't stick

When you decided to attack me again
With your ***** tricks

You said you had met them
And that you loved them so

So quickly you gave up on us
So quickly you did forgo

When you left me, you left scars
Scars I'm afraid to show

And now you're talking about them
Your new lovers and how

You had never felt such a way,
Until you met them
Sep 2019 · 215
Vacant
Ellyn k Thaiden Sep 2019
Why are we here?
How did we get here?
Where do we go from here?
When did you stop loving me?

Was it a year ago? Two?
Was is more than that?
When did the feelings start to fade?
What did I do for you to stop caring?

The thing is
I feel like you think I'm terrible
I'm walking garbage
You left me like I was

What did you see in me
In the first place?
Why did you even choose me
In the first place?

Was it slow?
Was it some specific action?
I tried to be there for you
I tried to help

But you never let me in
You never let me help
Even when you were vulnerable
You were still closed up

I feel like I never knew you
I feel like you wouldn't know me anymore
I'm not the same person
I'm different, things have changed

They will never go back to
What they were
But I have this sick fantasy
Made up in my head

That you'll call me at 3 a.m.
Voice shaking and heart aching
You'll take everything back
You'll say sorry and want me again

Want me like how I want you

I can't talk to anyone
The way I can talk to you
I can't sit in silence with anyone
The way silence feels comfortable with you

No one feels like you
My heart is empty
I've been doing stupid things
Letting stupid things happen

Just so I can feel something
Anything at all
But everything is numb
It feels like I'm in a play

I'm a guest star in my own life
I'm sleep walking on set
I'm a robot, performing basic functions
I'm a puppet, letting everyone tug on my strings

Nothing feels real anymore
No where feels like home
No one feels like home
I don't know what to do or where to go

I am stuck in a place
I'm not even sure where it is anymore
I can't stop rambling
Filling this empty space

Nothing fills this empty space
My heart still aches
Everyone feels like a stranger
No where is home

I just want to die
Because then the pain would be over
At least I wouldn't feel empty
I just wouldn't exist anymore

That's better than this empty I feel

I can't go back
I don't think I deserve to go back
I don't deserve a lot of things
I don't deserve a lot of people

I don't deserve to be here
They don't deserve someone
As empty as me
As cold and harsh as me

Everyone is pretending to like me
My own lover hates the way I look
My own family tolerates me
That's why I can't leave

If I were to leave
What would I do?
Where would I go?
I'm trapped

I'm trapped in this empty shell
I'm trapped in my own head
I'm trapped in this relationship
I'm so tired
Sep 2019 · 154
I Still See You
Ellyn k Thaiden Sep 2019
Sometimes I still wait for you
To walk through the door from work
And sometimes I still feel
Your arms around me, embracing me

Sometimes I still hear you
That laugh
Always contagious
Always filling up a room

Sometimes I still miss you
My heart aches
And emotions are still raw
Sometimes I wish you were here

Sometimes I still see you
Where you shouldn't be anymore
I should be okay
I should be fine

I should move on
I should stop being angry
Or sad or anything really
Over someone who doesn't even think about me

But here I am
Still hearing you
Still seeing you
Still feeling you
Still wishing you were here
Aug 2019 · 179
Tense
Ellyn k Thaiden Aug 2019
My whole life
I've been described as
Hypervigilant

Trauma after trauma
I thought being an adult
Would solve these problems

I thought turning eighteen
And leaving my home behind
Would mean the end

But growing up doesn't mean
Bad things will suddenly
Stop happening to you

Growing up doesn't save you
From these new monsters
Under our beds

Growing up doesn't mean
That you're safe with the people
You thought you were safe with

Growing up just means you're
At it completely
And totally alone

The people you look toward
For comfort are the reason
That you're running in the first place

We are all born naked and alone
And we will all pass away
Naked and alone

Fight for yourself
Grow up for yourself
Live for yourself

Because in the end
You're what matters the most
You are all that's left
May 2019 · 175
Life Lessons
Ellyn k Thaiden May 2019
Some things have gotten
Mush worse since you left
Like how I can't stop the
Voices in my head anymore

My OCD is at its worse
I can't stop counting numbers
My anxiety won't leave me alone
It tells me I shouldn't leave the house

My parents wonder why I
Don't visit as often
My friends wonder why I would
Rather stay home than go out

My depression says to me
"No one loves you"
And my body feels like
A ******* strangers

I either eat too much
Or nothing at all
I don't sleep for days
Or I don't leave the bed for hours

But other things in my life
Have improved since you've been gone
Like I feel like I'm finally with
Someone who can be honest with me

I can finally write again
I can draw
I can read
I can breathe

You taught me how to love myself
When you never even loved me
You taught me how to respect
Myself and live freely

You showed me many different
Points of view
And how to open yourself up
To the people who deserve it

You taught me I need to respect myself
And to not let others dictate
How I feel
Or how I live my life

You taught me a lot
Like that I don't need you
To survive this life anymore
I can walk on my own now

Some things in my life feel like
They are falling apart
And slowly slipping from me
Like oiled up hands grasping at the edge of the cliff

But some things are slowly falling
Back into place
And maybe
Just maybe

I can live this life without you next to me

Maybe I will be okay in the end

Maybe I can find my way back to the light

Just maybe my life can be mine again
May 2019 · 143
PSA
Ellyn k Thaiden May 2019
PSA
I'm pro people being people being polyamorous, but if you use that as an excuse to just see other people and string your partner along and you are just keeping said original partner around just to boost ya own ego, you're a *******.
**** me. Just ******* **** me now please. I'm so done with this life and ****** people acting like they aren't ****** just to make themselves feel better.
Ellyn k Thaiden May 2019
you'll be my star
I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me and come out at night
When I turn jet black and you sow off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine
But you can skyrocket away from me
And never come back if you
Find another galaxy
Far
From here
With more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust to remember you by
If you'll be my boat
I'll be your sea
A depth of pure blue just to probe curiosity
Ebbing
And flowing
And pushed by a breeze
I live to make you free
I live to make you free
But you can set sail to the west if you want to
And pass the horizon
'Till I can't even see you
Far from here
Where the beaches are wide
Just leave me your wake to remember you by
If you'll be my star
I'll be your sky
You can hide underneath me and come out at night
When I turn jet black
And you show off your light
I live to let you shine
I live to let you shine
But you can skyrocket away from me
And never come back if you find another galaxy
Far from here
With more room to fly
Just leave me your stardust to remember you by
Stardust
To remember you by
Gregory and the Hawk. Hits home. I just need to let go, but I hate letting go of something I've invested so much of my time and life energy into. How do you walk away from something you still care immensely about? How do you throw away 5 years of your life? How do you just move on? How do you let go??
I'm so lost.
May 2019 · 131
I Don't Know
Ellyn k Thaiden May 2019
I use to wonder what
I did to deserve you
Why you would pick me

You made me want to
Be a better person
To constantly improve

You held me and reassured me
You kissed away my worries and fears
You made promises

Promises you couldn't keep
Promises of a future
Promises to always love me

You promised to always choose me

But you didn't chose me
You chose them
I don't know why

How can you leave so freely
How can you not feel the
Same way I do right now

How can you carry on in life
Without me by your side
Without my love

How can you just move on
Like the last 5 years just
Didn't happen

How do you survive
Knowing that I'm in someone
Else's arms at night

Because I can't ******* breathe
I can't sleep
I can't funtion

At first I didn't know what I did
To deserve you
Now I don't know what I did to make you leave
I'm so lost and confused right now
May 2019 · 127
Not Enough
Ellyn k Thaiden May 2019
I wasn't good enough
For you to stay
You decided to find love
A different way

You left me thinking
I was broken somehow
That I loved you wrong
And it's over now

It's over for you
But not for me
You still haunt
My memories

You slip into my dreams
And you whisper quietly
"No one will ever love you
Like you love me"

What's so wrong about me
That makes people leave
What scared you away
And left me to grieve

You found happiness
In someone else's arms
They give you peace of mind
Apparently I caused you harm

I'm still clueless
And I feel so alone
Surrounded by people
My home isn't my home

It's an empty shell
Without you next in bed
I can't shut these thoughts up
They're racing through my head

I try to live without you
But it doesn't feel like living
I try to love without you
But I end up giving more than receiving

As the years go by
Maybe it will hurt less
But right now
You've ripped my heart from my chest

I pretend it's okay
To see you with them
But I honestly can't
Seem to comprehend

Why I wasn't enough
Why I couldn't be what you wanted
I don't know what I messed up
But every night I'm haunted

With how things could have gone
The life we could have had
The love I felt for you
Was I really so bad

I'll never be enough
For you or for the next
I should just give up
And put myself to rest
I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know why it was so unbearable to be with me. I don't know why you would leave for other people. After you promised to stick with me. You don't promise someone forever if you can't give it. I know things change, but that's not how I see it. Why was I so hard to be with? Why couldn't you marry me like you promised? Why did you lie to everyone, including yourself? Why did you use me? How are you doing okay and forgetting me while I'm literally dying inside without you next to me. I can't stop crying. I just want to die.
Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2019
I don't sleep anymore
Instead I stay up thinking
Of the many ways I could
Have made you stay

Instead I think about
How many times you
Said you loved me
And how they were all lies

Instead I think about how
I wasn't good enough
And I never will be
Not for anyone

I just want to matter again
I want to matter like how
I use to for you
I use to mean something

And right now meaning anything
Would make me feel alive
Would make me feel something

It's so lonely here
It's so quiet
Wrote this a few months ago. Idk.
Nov 2018 · 171
We Need to Get You a Key
Ellyn k Thaiden Nov 2018
"We need to get you a key made"
First day in our new apartment
And I don't have a key yet
But I'm excited

Our words echo off the empty walls
And we argue over where the couch should go
We settle in, piece by piece
And everything is okay

"We need to get you a key made"
We've been living here for two months
Our habits are formed
There is ritual to the day

I try to find things to occupy my time
Projects and music and poetry
You go out every night
And I'm alone in an empty bed

"We need to get you a key made"
You aren't ever home
You've lost yourself
You are pulling away from me

"We need to get you a key made"
We fall apart
Piece by piece
You say you need space

We break up
I move out
I don't need a key anymore
This is all I could manage to write.
Apr 2018 · 506
Drought
Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2018
I'll ride this high
Until I die
That Ana high
Will keep you alive

She feeds you euphoria
She fills you with doubt
First there is a typhoon
But then there is a drought

But nevermind the downside
Ana can help you thrive
Eventually you'll feel so high
You will barely feel alive
I've been battling this since I was 17. You tell yourself you'll stop. You never do.
Apr 2018 · 369
I Can't Sleep
Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2018
I can't sleep
Surrounded in shadows
The A/C hums and
Moonlight slips in through broken blinds
The shows about to begin

The blankets tangle around my legs
My body tosses left and right
Incapable of ignoring the voices
These memories
They shuffle through my head
Intruding my dreams
Invading my thoughts

I can't sleep
Films featuring fear race through my head
Each one a perfect cut
Of moments in my life where
I was no longer in control
Moments when I was helpless
Moments where I am trapped
Simply a bystander to my own life

Suddenly a new scene appears
Taking off it's long worn
Camouflage that is used to hide
Right in between all the other
Ghastly happenings of my life

I can't sleep
I stare at the stars on my ceiling
Feel myself drift off into space
So far away

This memory is new and it hurts more
Than when it first happened

I can't make it stop
The voices won't stay quiet
It won't stop playing in my mind
The film is ******* endless

I can't sleep
This is about intrusive thoughts and PTSD. And how sometimes you don't remember something right after it happened. Not till years later... Written during a fast at 3 at night so sorry if nothing makes sense rn.
Ellyn k Thaiden Dec 2016
You never said thank you
But I was still there
You never said sorry
And at first I didn't care

I just cared for you
And your emotions and your life
Your strife and the weight of
Self torture you carried in your
Forearms and thighs, stomach and chest

I knew I could save you
I knew I could help you rest
Even if only for a moment
I could kiss your scars
Lick your wounds clean

And at that time I didn't
Understand
That people can be mean
To those they love

So on we went
While I tried desperately to pull you
Onto level ground
With misguided intent

You fought my help
Thrashing through life
Like a wounded animal
Scurrying from every booming sound

After your blind rampage you let me go
I was afraid I would never feel whole
But you made me realize
I was only trying to fix what was
So twisted and cracked in my own soul

You and I are similar
But not the same
Both trapped inside screaming
Punished by our own brains

The difference between you and I
Is you only understand sympathy
You mind can't grasp the concept
Of another's reality
You lack empathy

So I'm not going to get
Down on my hands and knees
And say "pretty please"
And apologize just because
You're too much of a coward
To admit when you've down wrong

I will not say sorry for existing
I will not apologize for having feelings
I will not beg for your attention
Even though the silence is chilling
I have decided to respect myself

By letting you go
Ellyn k Thaiden Oct 2016
I'm never one thing
Constantly moving
Constantly changing

Constantly high
That's the only stable thing

I'm going to be twenty in a month
And I don't think I can make it much longer

This isn't so much of a poem
It's more of a ramble
Of my thoughts
That I can't say out loud
Because no one is listening

Lately the universe has been
Making me feel insignificant
And fragil
And idiotic
And all around depressed

I mean nothing
I am nothing
We all mean nothing

If we were to all die
Go extinct
The sun would still eventually die
New galaxies will be born
And I'm sure there is other life
Just waiting to destroy their homes
And taint their waters
And **** their vegetation

Nothing matters
At least not in my life time

Guess that's all I've got to say
Jun 2015 · 481
Romaticizing Me
Ellyn k Thaiden Jun 2015
They kiss your arms and say you are beautiful. They trace old scars and say you are beautiful. They rub the cuts and say you are beautiful.

But I am not beautiful. This is not beautiful. This is a disaster, a walking wreck. While you all sleep sound at night we stay up, our fingers walking over our old friends and breaking skin with razor blades, unleashing memories. We are hitting our thighs with fists fueled with the words like "you woukd be prettier if..",  reverberating through our skulls. We are chugging water and not eating in the hopes of obtaining a beauty that no one can or should obtain. We are purging the nourishment while you lay full, bellies satisfied.
While you had dreamless nights, we never left our night mares. The monsters from our dreams followed us into reality, but no one looks hard enough to see them but, only the already broken witness the events.

They say you are beautiful, but do they even know what they mean? What they are doing? Because this is anything but beautiful. This is a broken house of fire.
May 2015 · 623
God Has No Power Here
Ellyn k Thaiden May 2015
Its midnight
And I feel like I am steadily
Whispering into everyone's ears
For them to lay down their guns
Loosen their nooses
Throw away their knives
And keep surviving until
It becomes thriving

But on the inside
In my fragmented ***** they call
My heart
I am breaking
Crumbling
Cracking and convulsing

And air is filling me up
But the will to live is dying

And I can't tell anyone because
Everyone is walking on the grand
Wall between life and death

How could God exist when we
Have the power to end it all
With the small jump off the step stool
Or the **** of the finger
How can something that is suppose
To control everything and see everything
Be so powerless when it comes to death

Why does this keep happening
Why won't it stop
Ellyn k Thaiden Jan 2015
When you first start dating  
All the imperfections and pet peeves  
Fly right out the proverbial window

You don't notice the way they  
Chew with their mouth open or  
Leave their tooth brushes by the sink
You don't notice how bad their oral hygiene is
And you convince yourself the  
Loud snores they make while you  
Lay wide awake are endearing

What you really don't notice is  
How short tempered they can be  
And how they can snap at you for simply  
Pointing out the clothes on the floor

Or how they don't communicate  
Their problems well

How they are flighty and accidentally  
Interrupt conversations

And you certainly don't notice how  
Unknowingly demeaning they can be  
Towards you at times  
How they can make you feel insignificant and  
Minuscule when they never meant to

But now I am seeing all these imperfections
Flaws found like a scratch lottery ticket
Each day scrapes off something new for
Me to win
Like the way they leave the tooth paste
On the counter
Or leave the gas on empty for me to fill

And each new day brings to light  
My own imperfections
The way my room is a mess till midnight
When I go through a mania period
Or that I whisper during movies
Letting slip what I think the possible
Endings could be
That I can hold a grudge like no other

How do relationships function
With all these imperfections?
Why would you deal with someone  
Who is so imperfect?

That’s the thing though
You aren’t “dealing” with that person
And if in some way you are then
You shouldn’t be in a relationship

You do not deal with love
You accept love
Talk to love
Try to help love

Your end goal is not to change and
Morph love into something
Unrecognizable  

No, your end goal is to
Grow together and talk things out
To never stop growing together
To be there for each other
And to be honest with love
Not to hide how you feel about
The constant chaos of the clothes
And the toothpaste leaking out of the tube

Do not hide from love
Or you will lose it
Jul 2014 · 2.4k
Not So Good Bye's
Ellyn k Thaiden Jul 2014
I've never known how to properly end a conversation with you, whether it be a phone call or a kiss good bye. Fingers fumble and awkward "I love you"'s and "good bye"'s drunkenly find their way out of my sober mouth. I never know how to say "fare well".

My theory is that I never want to say good bye in the first place. I'd rather be with you. Though you might be busy talking to someone else or in another room, I want to always be close to you. Saying "good bye" doesn't feel good at all. It feels like I'm going far away and I'm leaving a piece of me behind. I know I might sound clingy and suffocating, but I have adapted a terrible habit of needing someone around to keep me sane. I use to love to be alone, but now I go crazy with thoughts stampeding through my head. I hate to say good bye.

But I love to say "hello". Our "hello"'s are the best. We meet with kisses and hugs and sometimes chocolates. We meet with wide grins and bright eyes that catch the light just right at six in the evening. Our "hello"'s are heart warming and relieving.

The "hello"'s almost make the "good bye"'s worth it.

Almost.
Jun 2014 · 833
Afraid To Grow
Ellyn k Thaiden Jun 2014
I feel like I'm being shoved into all these little boxes, labeled "Teacher", "Doctor", "Psychologists", "Biologist", and "Computer Technician". But none of these fit me.

I am not cube shaped, no one is perfectly boxed. I feel like I'm drowning in these labels and I don't know how to swim yet. I'm only 17 and have no idea what I am doing tomorrow, let alone in the next three years.

Fearing something that hasn't happened yet, fearing a future that is so far but so close away, I find myself and many of my peers cram themselves into boxes.

Half of them don't want to be here either.

Growing up is romanticized into parties and friends and knowing exactly what you'll be doing tomorrow, in three years, in six, in eleven, in twenty. But I've watched my mother shake her head and cry, "I'm lost." I've watched her call her mother at two in the morning, lamenting, with tears falling on her breast. "I'm lost", she whispers.

That doesn't scream "having your **** together". She is 45 and she screams "I am human so help me".

I'm not sure what career I will choose, but I know what I want to be. I want to be Mother, I want to be Free. I want to be Cherished, and Good Natured. Auntie, Brave, Thoughtful, and Wife.

I want to be Happy.
Jun 2014 · 8.2k
Serendipity
Ellyn k Thaiden Jun 2014
Serendipity: Something that happens in a beneficial way without looking for it.

It has recently occurred to me that you are my serendipity.
Apr 2014 · 2.9k
Galaxies Behind Eyes
Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2014
You shut your eye lids and are transported into a different world, like flipping a switch, pulling a lever. Hours will pass by in my realm, but to you, galaxies swarm behind closed windows. To you, it will be moments before you awake again, if your slumber is dreamless.

If you dream I hope you dream of a world far away from here, but I hope you bring me along. And we can dance on the rings of Saturn, fly through Jupiter's core, and drink the sweet nectar of the Milky Way. Because when I am with you I hold my universe in my arms. I might never explore all of you, for you are vast, deep, complex. But I hope I can do more than scrap the surface. I hope I can dive into you and get lost in the Andromeda galaxy and loop around Orion's belt. I hope I can become so tangled that I cannot tell where you start and I begin unless I pay close attention. But I have ADD so expect me to wander.

Baby, while you sleep and galaxies pass behind your eyes I hope I can watch and fall into time with the rise and fall of your lungs and the drum of your heart. I hope we synchronize into our own awkward rhythmic beat like none other. To fall asleep to the music of your snores, subtle whispers that leak from your mouth, and the twitches your body will make life sublime.

While you are in a different world I will be right here, awaiting for your return to Earth.
Apr 2014 · 915
Moon and Earth
Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2014
I cannot explain you.

I cannot form my thoughts or emotions into words, but if I could make them into anything, they would be a rainbow of colors sky rocketing through the atmosphere and propelling themselves into the heavens.

You make me take compliments. You've forced me to see that I am worthy of life. I am not just taking up air. I am perfect to someone, even with all my flaws and misprints. I have a purpose. Even when I feel useless and so disconnected to the world, you yank me back down. You are an anchor, keeping me from floating too far away. You are a shoulder on which I can cry on. You are a raging fire when determined and calm water when provoked. You are kind and gentle and everything I want to try to be. If a person were to describe you in perfect detail five months ago, I wouldn't have believed them, couldn't of fathomed a person like you existing. But you do exist. And you let me exist and spin around you, like the moon to the earth. A satellite. You are my Earth. I am your Moon. And you are perfect.

I cannot say what I want to. I cannot express what I feel right now. But I hope you allow me the time to show you.
More of a prose than poem. Sorry.
Apr 2014 · 1.5k
Silence
Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2014
There are three of us in the room

You
Me
And Silence

Sometimes Silence is kind
Gracing us with hands wrapped tight
Breathing deep, scents of each other strong
Legs tangled, arms bent, not knowing
Where one ends and the other starts

Sometimes Silence is excited
Static between us building
Twitchy and impatient
Eyes large and watching the trees roll by
As we drive down the black road

Sometimes Silence is content
And sits with us while you write words
Stroking the keys, like it is a fine instrument
And I lay reading, sipping tea across the room on the floor
The world is quite and so are we

Sometimes Silence is angry
Though we haven't experienced this yet, we will
And tension will hang like the humid summer time atmosphere
While we sit, confused and bubbling, trying to think
Of ways to say sorry without fumbling with words

Because words get in the way
And Silence is malleable, fluid
Silence is water
It can slip through our hands
Or can be contained

No matter what you do
Silence will be there

Thank you for making the Silence bearable
For making it less frigid
Less lonely or painful

Thank you for filling the Silence with so much life
Apr 2014 · 1.4k
Dreams
Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2014
At night your copper dreams fade into bright moon lit tears and I can see my reflection in the midnight glow. Your soul reflects out and it is impossible for me not to shed my own tears. I promised to kiss every drop that leaves your eyes and I will keep to it, even when your consciousness lies somewhere else, in a different realm. I hope you will let me join.
No idea. Just kinda wrote and this happened. Awkward.
Apr 2014 · 2.9k
Separating Atoms
Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2014
I want to be so close to
You that I break that microscopic
Space of air and
Separate the atoms between us
Causing a nuclear explosion
That fades into colors of
Scarlet and sand
That burn into our brains and
Stick with us through the rest of our lives
Apr 2014 · 34.8k
Lips
Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2014
Her lips, tight and curved,
Ready to string up an arrow
And launch it to the sky
To explode into a fine dust
Where a myriad of stars congregate
Just to kiss your freckled cheeks
Apr 2014 · 685
Done
Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2014
Wrapped tightly into yourself
Head heavy and heart imploding
Trying to **** you in and make you
Believe you are the **** up they whisper about

Not sure where to place your hands
Holding your stomach or head?
Which one? Because both are aching
For comfort and attention

But both refused to be touched
By none other than yourself
Small breaths of air aren't efficient enough
Spots form in your peripheral vision

Memories play through your head
The good ones come like bolts of lightning, thin and rare
The bad in pounding rains
The worst memories slip in like poison

The thought of suicide might cross your mind
I know it does in mine
Maybe you've even attempted
Once, twice, five, eleven times

The number climbs just like the clock ticks

Ticking away, eating at precious minutes
Forcing you through another day
Filled with thoughts of razors and pills
High ledges and bullets lined up in chambers

Awaiting the day you decide to pull the trigger

But the mood ebbs away as the sun rises
Though the thoughts of suicide never leave you
They calm themselves, the storm passes
And you're left alone again

Aren't you tired of being alone?
Because I know I am
I am sick of the perpetual depression that settles
In the back of my brain

I am disgusted by how often the
Razor caresses my soft skin
And the lack of sleep and
What I day dream

Because it's often fantasies of being
Stuck six feet under
While no one stands around my grave
Because no one cares

I'm sick
I'm tired
I'm lonely
And I am more than done
Apr 2014 · 8.7k
Just Me
Ellyn k Thaiden Apr 2014
Bigender
Pansexual
Asexual
Gay
Lesbian
Cisgender
Transgender
Agen­der

And many more
Labels racing through
My head
I can't even think straight
Or let alone be straight

I once thought pansexual
But I don't prefer physical interaction
Maybe bisexual?
But I like anyone and
Everyone

Asexual?
I've gotten off
I just don't prefer to
Shutting myself off
Is something I can do

Female and male stereo types
But I fit neither one
Sometimes I'm more of a man
Than my brothers could ever be
And sometimes I am more girly

All these labels
And I'm so confused
Does anyone really know?
Maybe I don't fit
Any labels

Maybe I'm just
Me
Mar 2014 · 1.2k
I love Love
Ellyn k Thaiden Mar 2014
Love isn't on a white horse
With a Knight in shinning armor
Gallivanting through daisies
And beating the odds against
Countless demons and foes

Love is her curled up next to me
Fueled with an anger over
Something I said two weeks ago
But she still decides to turn around
And tuck herself under my wing and forgive

Love isn't meeting someone
At a party and after a few
Drinks and chasers deciding
Heading back to my house
Is a brilliant idea

Love is feeding me peanut butter
And trapping me inside for the night
Just to play piano for me
Closing the windows and locking the doors
Blocking out the world for a while

Love isn't money coming from
An over fed wallet
Handing me cash whenever I please
Paying our way into each others hearts
Bribing love and lust

Love is tangled hair and
Mustard stained sweat pants
With a baggy shirt and no bra
Kissing me like I mean the world
Because to someone for once I do

Love isn't fighting every night
Tooth and claw
Using every past mistake as a bullet
To fill the chambers of
A gun forged on hatred

Love is rubbing my back when
My anxiety swallows me
And she lets me cry in her car
Because it's a safe place
For her and I

And I know Love for a fact
Is perfect in every imperfect way
And love will tolerate all my panics
All my stress and all of my
Self hatred

Because Love is laying right next to me
And I know I love Love because I think
The sun shines out of her ***
Even when Love is mad at me

I love Love
Mar 2014 · 440
Be Mine Always
Ellyn k Thaiden Mar 2014
Desire to be near you
Constantly
Nipping at my brain
And overtime I see that perfect
Face of yours

My kidneys rise
Stomach flips
And my lungs scream for
Air
Because you take it away from me


The moment you walk out
Of that door I want to run up
To you and make my lips
Great yours with
Love

And I want my fingers
Intertwined with yours
Always
Every waking moment
I want to be yours

And I want you to be mine

Laying in the back of your car
Holding you close and breathing you in
I don't know what you use
But never stop, your
Intoxicating

Whether its small or deep your
Words seem to have me listening
Silence is nice, I like to think
But I'd rather have your voice
Surrounding me

Fingers carefully playing each key
Plucking at the piano effortlessly
Emotions pouring into the song
You drive me insane but I
Love it

Never stop
Mar 2014 · 1.9k
I Almost Love Her
Ellyn k Thaiden Mar 2014
Breathing in the toxins
Of the cigarette
She streers left right left
Taking me higher than
I thought possible

Black roads fade into
Gravel as we start towards the
Edges of the dust bowl
In which we reside somewhere down below
In the congregate of city lights

With a sky as black as ink
We parked and stepped out into
The raging wind
And I throw my hands to the heavens
To feel free

She smiles cause she knows
With her closed mouth grin
And we sit on the roof of the car
In the most cheesy romantic way
I feel apart of her life

Kissing her pops into my head

And I nearly cry
Not out of sadness
But because of the happiness
Of almost being in love
And the fear of not almost being loved back

So fear chokes me and holds me back
It's fear that leaves us sitting there
For what seems like forever
Cause I know she can't fathom
How much I almost love her

Climbing back down I feel regret
But I am too happy to care
She drives us back home
And now the hills and the myriad
Of stars are a memory

I don't care if she almost loves me
I almost love her
As long as I can be next to her
Everything is good
And I can cry happy tears

So she keeps breathing in the toxins
Of the cigarette
While I keep a heart full of regret
And the stars will keep their beauty
And the wind will continue to rage on
I think I love her. I almost love her.
Mar 2014 · 683
Closets Are For Clothes
Ellyn k Thaiden Mar 2014
Closets are for apparel
Clothes you want to hang up
And wear for another day

Closets have doors
To hide old dusty boxes
Objects to be of use for a later date

Closets can be locked
To keep the outside world
From looking into your personnel life

Closets can be crowded
Too hot or cold
Stuffy, with no room for breathing

Closets are not meant for people
For our feelings to be trapped
And locked away for another date

Don't shy away in the closet
And lock the door
From the inside out

Please
Mar 2014 · 1.3k
Smirnoff Grape Soda
Ellyn k Thaiden Mar 2014
I'll softly sip my grape soda
Accompanied by a Smirnoff  friend
I will let the fire trickle down my esophagus
Maybe tonight I'll mend bonds I've broken

Numbly message each old lover
With uncoordinated hands
And explain my sudden yearning
Where my feelings might still try to stand

Or maybe I will cut myself up tonight
From my shoulders to my toes
Let all the stress spill out
All my anxiety and all my woes

Kinda feel like dancing tonight
Just alone in my room with the lights out
Of course mentioning I'm alone
Is nearly pointless, there should be no doubt

I might do a lot of things
Maybe is a strong word
All I know is right now
Being sober is absurd
Mar 2014 · 516
Chasing You In Dream Land
Ellyn k Thaiden Mar 2014
In the midst of chasing
You through my head
Dreaming of having you
When I thought I already had

I awoke to the soft shuffle
Of flats on the wooden floor
The roll of a suitcase
The soft squeak and click of the door

I laid in bed for a moment
Then a moment more
Realization hitting me
It wasn't me you adored

Your affection was held
By someone else's hand
I thought I had a tight grip
But I obviously didn't understand

I couldn't fathom the absence
Of the warmth on the sheets
An outline of your body
A missing pair of feet

Running after you would be foolish
Though it kills me not to stand
Instead I lay a moment more
Chasing you in dream land
Mar 2014 · 3.0k
Choir
Ellyn k Thaiden Mar 2014
I'm about ready to bludgeon
Someone with my microphone
And string them up
By my black cord

Stab them with a music stand
And slit their throat with the feet of it
Bash their head into the piano
Then stuff them inside of the instrument

See, choir has become a competition
A sport which everyone is
Now on their own teams
Only rooting for themselves

We all sing together
But we clash and our
Voices don't blend anymore
Instead you hear the individual's song

Selfish and cruel
They all gossip about one another
Manipulating and breaking
Each other down to dust

Confidence stripped and raw
Wounds festering and emotions building
Of the words said behind backs
And not to the face

But just because our backs our turned
Does not make us deaf
But even more unsure of
Ourselves and the people surrounding us

Choir is not a family anymore
It's World War Three
Teeth bared and claws out
Missiles ready to take out other parts

There goes the altos
Taken out by the sopranos
The baritones still talk with the tenors
But the tension is still high

Choir is dangerous
But what they don't realize is
I can be the most cunning and cruel
Animal of them all
Mar 2014 · 440
Two Many Years
Ellyn k Thaiden Mar 2014
I watch for your wrists
You know who you are
That girl, you're reading this right now
The one with the scars

I understand what is happening
Though I won't say I know
Exactly what you're going through
I do not have that right

But let me say this
I walked that block for two years
For two many years
To not know some of your fears

I know that you're scared
And some of this seems involuntary
But I promise you that
Your journey isn't solitary

I guess you could keep cutting
Up your skin
You don't have control, right?
But I have learned it does not **** what's within

Me of all people are telling you
To put down and throw away
The rusty old razors
I only want you to stay

Stay with me and stay with him
Keep the toes planted to the ground
And grow them deep into the soil
And refuse to be uprooted
Mar 2014 · 579
Mr. Sand Man
Ellyn k Thaiden Mar 2014
The windows to your world
Start to slowly close shut
Fingers move less nimbily
Brain clicks into auto pilot

As the world gyrates around you
You stay perfectly still
The noise is distant, miles away
Almost an out of body ordeal

Your feline or canine friend
Snuggled close to youd back
Pillows surround the body
Thoughts drifting more and more of track

Floating into the darkness
Upward into the sky
You ponder your life
And ask the important questions like "why?'

Finally it engulfs you
Swollowing you whole
Mr. Sand Man's job is done
And he has checked off all his goals
Feb 2014 · 418
My Friend(s)
Ellyn k Thaiden Feb 2014
I remember a time when
We stayed up till two
With dry eyes and smiles
Plastered across our face

But the mold has broken

And you don't talk to me
Instead you ignore my pleading,
Long paragraphs of thought
Formed into words

But everything has changed

You would say
"I cannot imgine you not in my life"
But here I am
Sitting on the outskirts of your mind

And I have almost been fully kicked out of town

Oh it pains me to see you
Broke and torn down
But obviously I am no longer
Of use to you

Maybe leaving would be better, but
I have been told that isn't what friends do
But I am not a friend to
You anymore

Am I?
Feb 2014 · 278
What They See
Ellyn k Thaiden Feb 2014
They see the scars
But not the story
They see your mangled outer shell
But not the lessons that put you through Hell

Whether it was from a battle on the field
Or a battle in your head
Or from them cutting you open
To take out the tumor instead

Whether you now have a new
***** in your body
Or you fell of the shed
Maybe you failed at your attempt to be dead

They see the scars
Not the story
Feb 2014 · 408
We, Us, I
Ellyn k Thaiden Feb 2014
We are our worst enemies
We can be so harsh on ourselves
We are to selfish and self absorbed and
Worried about the future that we forget to
Live in the moment

We let others cut us out at the knees
We see the blade coming, but we don't
Make a move to stop it
Some people go through these timesand if

You havent already, dont worry
Your time is coming
Life is an ongoing battle and I fear the
Casualties are stacking up and up

Soon the pile while break out into
The outer hemisphere
We focus too much on the negative in life and
We loose our path and forget to live

Don't forget that the past is the past
You cannot forget it, but time fades the
Scars that will never fully fade away
You just learn from and find a way to move on

I am my own worst enemy and
I hate myself more than anyone else
But my scars are fading
And now it't time to let go
I know, a lot of "we"'s, haha. But that is the point. I am tired and writing this, not a good idea...
Feb 2014 · 678
Time Engulfs Us
Ellyn k Thaiden Feb 2014
Time use to only nip
At my slender ankles
But now it gnashes and
Forces me to flee
I am being pulled through time
So quickly I feel as if I
Am traveling through the
Day, each one shorter than
The day before

And before you know it
It will be September and
Senior year will be knocking on
The door I have tried to hard to
Barricade, adding locks and boards
Of weak wood

I am only a young child
But society soon deems me an adult
Capable of a job and work
And living on my own
But I do not want to be
On my own
I want to shrink down and be
Five again, because then
I didn't think like I do now

I didn't worry about the future
College and the mysteries life holds
The people surrounding me with their
Opinions and crude thoughts
And same-*** marriage wasn't a
Huge deal for me
But now it engulfs us
swallows us whole
And I am scared

I don't want to be scared anymore
Feb 2014 · 504
Hello, Poetry
Ellyn k Thaiden Feb 2014
Hello, poetry
You have changed
I do not like the alterations
That you have made

Yes I will admit
This new form is slick
But a change is a change
And we will still nit pick

I do not approve
Of the lay out here
Where do I log in
And I now fear

When I have a notification
I won't see that bright yellow bolt
Of lightening, the highlight of my day
So maybe I'll revolt

Maybe I'll stop clicking
Away at the keys
And filling this page
With my poetry

But you and I both know I
Cannot stay away
Hello, Poetry, you are my home
And here I will stay
Haha, I hate change. Quirky poem.
Feb 2014 · 542
Numb
Ellyn k Thaiden Feb 2014
I don't want to feel anymore
And I don't think I could
Even if I wanted to
Even if they say I should

I physically cannot bear
More mental pain
I receive enough hurt
From my own brain

So drowning out the feelings
And cutting off the ties
Is all that I can do
To try and survive

Day by day passes
But I barely feel a thing
The world seems surreal
I'm not sure any of this is happening

Maybe it's all an illusion
Just some ****** up dream
Maybe my reality is
Not quite what it seems

Because when I slice into my
Arm and watch the blood pour out
It looks like I'm cutting paper
And heightening all my doubts

My doubts on my family
My friends and the sky
The trees that sway around
They seem to wave good bye

Well I wave bye to you, reader
Because this just might be it
This might be the last of everything
I think it's time to quite
Feb 2014 · 887
Ramblings, Don't Mind Me
Ellyn k Thaiden Feb 2014
I was sad before
But now I am depressed
And it dines on me
Slow some days, fast others

I was terribly, deeply sad before
Especially when I was alone
But I still smiled and
I still continued to feel

But now I am numb
And suicide is a constant companion
Lingering over me
Waiting for me to grab her hand and run

But I am at a stand still
A battle within myself
I am trying to decide whether to run
Or to stand tall and anchor myself to the soil

I cannot seem to stay clean
Days will pass since my last encounter
Then it starts all over again
And I feel guilty

Because I am worthless
And almost all my friends have left me
Disgusting, terrible, fat, nasty, pathetic
All branded on my body for the world to see

I feel numb
I feel alone
Tired and depressed
But no matter how I feel

I will still whisper
Steady "okay"'s and "I'm fine"'s
Cover my arms and legs
Hide away from the world because

I don't want you to worry
Feb 2014 · 773
I Shouldn't Be Left Alone
Ellyn k Thaiden Feb 2014
I am so alone
And I shouldn't be
For when I am left alone
Memories swirl and the
Past rises from the grave
The blade calls to me and
Anxiety hits me like a brick wall

Death is so tempting when I
Am alone, left to ponder
How quickly it will be
Long and painful
Short, like falling asleep
I don't know
And I hate not knowing

I hate being lonely
Jan 2014 · 469
Three Seconds
Ellyn k Thaiden Jan 2014
Before I let them
Rip open the earth and
Stick me under just
To sew it back up
I want to fly

I want to loose my breathe
With the wind and
Close my eyes, to be at peace
For three fragile seconds
I want the wind to slip through
My hair and my make up to
Be ruined
I want to smile and be
Happy for three seconds

Before I come crashing down
And land on solid ground
Reality will hit
My body will just be a body
No me inside
But before I let this world take me
I want to be free and live
For the first time
Right before I die
This is how I want to die. I want to fly. That is my wish.
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