At the other end of the line i'd hear you humming
and when I'd point it out you'd apologize and you'd
let silence create a void.  You'd tell me to speak or hang
up but all I wanted to say is that I didn't want you to stop
and I never wanted you to apologize.  I was always calm
with you on the line, even in our silence.  I miss your hymns.
Why did you stop calling?

She was fire.
She was the ache in my bones.

When this week is finally over
my bones will crack under the pressure of your gaze
it feels i've been waiting my whole life for this, for you
i'm not sure my heart will survive the overwhelming joy
i want to hold onto this night forever, my sleep i've lost over you
the moments are passing so fast and so slow your voice ringing in my ears
our laughter always in sync my god i can't wait another day.

With my ear resting on your chest
I tried so hard to synchronize my heart with yours
But your heart made such a beautiful sound
I could not get mine to calm the **** down.

I met you when the night was in your eyes
it never seemed to leave, i noticed, only subside.
I told you our love making was like the ocean tide
coming up to shore but falling back and leaving
droplets on sand like tears because even the ocean
cries though the moon shines bright illuminating
its present company at night.

I watched you crumble as I grew to love you
grasping at the empty air wishing that I could
only be there to hold you up when your knees
gave way and made you fall but even in my
absence you knew I would be there to answer
your call and you knew I had no intention
of abandoning your side at all.

I told my heart to beat faster for you,
to grow stronger for you,
to work longer for you.
I taught myself to find comfort in the dark so
that within your darkness I would again
discover the beauty of light.  Maybe the ocean
has a moon but my gravity has not kept me
centered and the arrow on my compass only
points to you and I know I should be walking
but I've found myself running head first toward you:
my moon, my ocean, my shore.

Sitting here, I keep telling myself it is time to go.
Sitting here, I ask myself where I go from here.
Sitting here.  Still sitting.  Stuck.

she insisted she was the moon,
but i told her she was every star in the sky.
she burned so bright in the darkness that consumed her.

If I can't find you in this lifetime,
I'll find you in another.
I'll wait for you forever,
you'll always be my lover.

My arms pull her close to my chest
so that she can lay her head above my heart
and listen to it beat like a ticking clock
where she can keep time and remember she’s alive.
Together we watch the headlights of cars
line shadowed walls in the silence
that is only broken by our synchronized breaths.
I watch her eyelids fall like dying stars,
with much more grace it takes my breath away,
a vision not everyone is blessed to see,
the moonlight’s glow on her dark hair has hypnotized me.
How could I ever long to sleep?

It's on the tip of my tongue,
a chilling breeze whipping my face
that lets me feel every ounce of blood in my veins.
It's the feeling that I could jump and fall through
the air when really I'd just hit the ground
that my feet never found the courage to leave.
It's the place hidden beneath the darkest part of
my very soul that, when touched, makes me
feel alive, no bleeding necessary,
just breathing in, breathing out.
It's standing on a broken sidewalk in the
middle of a grey city, people rushing  by,
and my body is stationary, my legs
molded to cement like weeds pushing
through the cracks because when you
think about it we are not just breathing in
the air, we are breathing in the sky,
constellations filling my lungs, I throw
my head back and laugh them out
again with joy.  I'll take your hand and
you'll take mine.  Together we'll walk
toward the sun until we make it to the
end of the earth and grow ignorant
to the passing of time.

Part One
Cold wind rushes in beneath the cracked
window that was never fixed after you threw
that rock through it in a fit of anger when you
were drafted to the war in your mind,
the one that leaves us silent for days because
your pride keeps your jaw shut tight though
we surge with energy from the tension of our
love that dances around us and teases us with
the knowledge that one day we will come around.
I leave the broken window open now so when
you return again I’ll hear the pebbles
crunching beneath your feet as you make your
way up to the door, fumbling through your
pockets looking for the keys.  You won’t need
them, you know, because I’ll meet you at the
door before you even try to open it.
I have a cold from the draft coming in through
the window.  You’ve returned from the war
but I know it’s never over.  You’ll stay here
with me until you’re drafted again.  I’ll
savor each moment with you until then.

Part Two
I bury my face in your collar bone and I hide
my tears with the sniffling cold.  I have missed
you, I always miss you.  These days I have
with you are too precious to take for granted
I know my time is limited, you always leave,
duty calls, I can’t make you stay, I gave up
trying.  You go to war, you come back again,
you come back for me but there’s always
the draft.  The one through the window, the
one for the war, the constant reminder our
minds can’t ignore.  You come back for me
you always do just like I’m always fighting
for you.  One day the war will be over and
we’ll both see the sunlight from behind the
smoke and together we can close the window.

One look and her
******* eye pierces
me straight through the heart
in one blow the blood
rushes through me
I feel my knees giving
in and I fall
to the ground
I kiss the ground
she walked on
I breathe the air
she breathed
but that's as much of her
as i'll ever receive.
She will never be mine.
Not completely.

The emptiness I feel with her
carves a hollowness within my soul
so large is the cave between my ribs
her numbing cries create echoes.

Hands tied to hers though nothing's left
we try so hard to forever forget about
the loneliness that hangs heavy between us
the memories we've failed, the love we doubt.

We collapse and cry holding one another
but we refuse to let our passion go
our misery feeding off of each other
our poisonous love is drowning us slow.

Though in my life she
ceases to exist, my heart
beats for only hers.

Her body's soft glow
creates moonbeams in my eyes.
I was always blind.

Another left,
another's gone,
my brother's tears,
my sorrowed song,
time is fleeting,
time is lost,
death touched his hand,
death's final cost.

She's got a coke face on
like her nose is about to bleed
she's lost in her twisted world
consumed by lies and greed.

Believing that she has it all
I laugh because I watched her fall
her beauty is now lost and gone
and her sorrows she pretends to drown.

Her skull, it shows, there's nothing left,
thin skin lining bone, she's dancing with death.
She's empty and numb, her dreams falling like snow,
sleepwalking through life, she's losing herself to blow.

From my soul I cast my light,
upon the world and silver night,
I dance among the calla lilies
and throw my head back with delight.

I haven't written your name in so long,
though I've been uttering it for days.
My distractions from you have come and gone,
now I'm left with fabricated memories,
dead-end hopes and fantasies.
I stopped writing poems months ago,
when you left the metaphors faded,
now my eyes have reopened and are
searching for signs of black tulips,
but spring is long gone,
Earth has turned golden.

Thread wound from petals of black tulips line her soul
As she dances in the moonlight her silver lining starts to glow.
Her pale, glistening skin making love to the night
My mind escapes reality as my eyes regain their sight.

No matter how much she tears me down
She hit me like magic
I'm under her spell.
She'll leave me every time but i'll keep coming back
Enchanted by her madness i'm imprisoned by her grip
And i'm ******* black magic.

It's all of her imperfections that hide in her mind
As she creeps in the shadows her hearts beating black and she's swallowed by her pride
But my thoughts still surround her and she laughs as I cry.

One day my eyes'll roll back in my head and my heart will sink in her poison and i'll drown in India ink as she pokes her lies into my skin tattooing my soul with her malicious grin and i'll still be ******* black magic.

No matter how much she tears me down
She hit me like magic
I'm under her spell.
She'll leave me every time but i'll keep coming back
Enchanted by her madness i'm imprisoned by her grip
And i'm ******* black magic.

It's like i'm standing at the bottom of the Grand Canyon at 3:27 am and i'm screaming your name screaming and screaming and it feels like the whole world can hear it but it bounces off the cold rock and the only answer I get is the echo of my scratchy voice that somehow made it's way out of my throat that is now raw from the endless need to receive a response and it's making my head pound and it seems like lately you are no where to be found and i'm just trying to make it home but I don't think I can carve people out of stone and I may be able to build a house in the sand but they say 'home is where the heart is' and my heart is where you are and I am where you're not so a house made of sand would do no good except to shade me from the desert sun when it awakens over the canyon but truthfully I'd rather burn up down here than drink one drop of water just so I could remember one last time how my body filled with heat when you'd say my name and my heart would stop when your light took away my last bit of pain.

I can't lose her,
not this one,
not this time.
She is everything I've waited for,
she fits perfectly in my life.
I can't think of it,
I'm begging her not to hide,
she's making me lose my mind,
did I lose my mind?
Did I? No.
Did I? No.
Did I lose my mind? "NO."
I tell myself as I remember all
the times my grandpa said he
knew a shortcut and it took us
twice as long to get where we
were going.
I want her to meet him one day
just so I can turn to him and say,
"hey grandpa, this is my girlfriend."
And if he falls of his chair so be it,
cuz I know my grandma will be
looking down at me smiling,
happy to see just how happy she makes me.
My grandma she will never get to meet,
the one woman who was so important to me,
but she will know how much she meant,
she already knows, and she will find pieces
of her in every other person in my family,
she'll find in them just where I got my crazy.
I'll just have to remind her that no matter
how long it took us, my grandpa always
got us to our destination,
and I promise myself that her and I,
we will most definitely get to mine.
There is no doubt in my mind that she is
the one I want in my life.

I woke up wanting to kiss you...
oh wait, I never went to sleep,
and if you were missing me in your dreams
it's because you were walking on moonbeams with me.

You've not yet left my thoughts,
not once since the first time we spoke,
and that's no exaggeration, baby,
I would crack under the pressure of that tasteless joke.

But how can I sleep,
your name keeps ringing in my ears,
you're like one of those bees you want to swat away but you're too cute
and you help make the flowers grow so how the hell could I say 'no'?

These flowers that you planted in my chest
keep me rooted but my petals are always willing
to take flight on your flitting wings to new lands
because adventuring with you would be the best new beginning.

And at the end of the day we'd collapse into bed
and you'd whisper, 'buzz, buzz, buzz,' in my ear
right before you pull my lips to yours and kiss me
but there you go again drifting off to sleep.

When I look out
at the ocean
and see her light
glimmering off
it's blackened surface
I think to myself
how silly I was to
ever want to sink
into the darkness
and let my life escape.

Instead I should
drink each drop
so that her light
can flow through
my veins and
cleanse my heart;
I swear it beats
only for her, only for her.

And maybe then
she will see what
I've done and forgive
me for leaving her
and collide with the sun
so that both souls may
escape from the bodies
that have imprisoned
them and kept them
apart and that they may
finally find one another
and rest together selfishly
as the world is left in darkness
but their love forever glows.

Tonight I looked up
and searched for you in the sky
hoping to find you looking down on me
while you slept with sadness dancing behind your eyes.
Tonight I found you way up high
reflecting the sun's light into darkness
I found comfort watching you shine.
Tonight I saw each crater etched into your skin
you didn't try to hide them
you let all of my love in.
Tonight I faced my fears
and I let each one of them go
as your glowing surface uncovered my path
and I found my way home.

As I stand on the platform edge in the city where no one stops for anything,
I wonder if they would stop for me if I threw myself into the air,
bursting into a million pieces just as the train sped through,
making every single one of my dreams come true.

Would they stop and watch,
would they scream in fear,
would they stare in awe,
would they see me shine?

A million stars died to make me whole,
imagine what I could create as I let my soul escape,
as my remains fall softly to the faces of passerby's,
whether it be my own blood or their own tears,
that feeling, that emotion, the life, the death,
imagine the impact I could make,
imagine the life I could create.

*Walk in the way of my soft resurrection.

What am I feeling? I can't do this.
I can't.
Everyone is right. What am I doing?
I feel empty.

I won't be able to sleep tonight.

My black tulip kept me up all night.
     Her eyes were in the back of my head
     Her lips were on the tip of my tongue.
     If only she'd been in my bed, she'd know how much I'd hate to run.

I cut out my own heart
It's bleed...

My soul is on fire
my heart out of control
my bones ****** in the light
my skin's radiating the glow.

How can I sleep
when her absence
has it's fingers
gripped tightly
around my throat
and my patience
has slipped away
with my last breath
and my words can't
make her stay? My
eyes refuse to close
until they see her
by my side hand in
hand with no
distractions her voice
ringing in my ears
and my heart
radiating with joy.

You have the world at your fingertips and
inside there is an entire universe that I was
ready to explore. To find the deepest cracks
and brush my soft fingers along their jagged
edges so they could remember what it felt
like to feel whole. To press my lips to the
water's edge and set it on your tongue so
you would forget the ache of your thirst.
I'd take your heart in the palm of my hand
and massage every weak spot to remind
you that each heartbreak made you stronger.
Your bones kept you walking, and your
muscles, like gravity, brought you
right to me.

When I concentrate
the ache goes away
and I am beautiful
with my ribs hiding
under this flesh
the extra body heat
that is so unnecessary
and I know the mirror
tells me lies and its
my brain that tells
me otherwise but the
act of resistance is
an addiction;
to deprive myself
is an obsession I
can't break I can't  
heal it's a disease its
a paradox, like me,
nonsensical, there is
no substance to it
only absence, no
release, there is no
relief.  The  voices in
my head are screaming
at me to not give up
to stay away to keep
my distance.  The more
I resist, the more
beautiful I become.
Does it tire me out?
Does it keep me alive?
I persuade myself to
believe that I will not
lose myself resisting
but then I am empty
and I feel the dark
engulf my soul that
fades away and my
mind begins to fight
with me, myself, and I
and then I realize that
I love the way I hate
myself not that I am
loving myself because
I have lost myself
I lost my way and
before I heal the fear
creeps in and hysteria
takes its toll and there
is pain everywhere and
I become completely
dark so that the light
can sneak back in and
light up my sky once again.
But I know the ache
always makes a reappearance..

She handed me a rose,
its stem studded with thorns,
when I swept my hand gracefully toward it
she forced it roughly into my palm.
She pressed down hard, breaking the skin,
and as the blood began to run down my arm
she turned around and laughed at my pain,
breaking my trust with one single act,
but as she walked away I followed
with my head held high I continued
to let her stab me in the back.

I love you
     I love you, I do.
             your sleepy eyes,
             your heavy heart,
             the way your faded smile turns around
             and makes your eyes shine bright,
             the look you give me when I have a complaint,
             the look you give me when you see my happiness.
     The love of the world you have through the bad,
     The love of the world you have through the good.
I love you, I do, and I love
             the way you giggle to yourself when you're lost in thought,
             the way you ignore me during your favorite song,
             the way your soul helps you to dance through this battle-filled life.
             and I love the way you let your light shine through your scars.
                              I love you, I love you, I do.

She hated that I knew her,
whispered it in my ear,
as my head rested on her lap
and we sat in the fresh-cut grass,
watching the clouds make the sun disappear.
Hiding from the party,
holding onto each others' arms,
we kept each other safe
as we tore each other apart.
When her lips touched mine
for the first and last time
I felt everything we had melt into my fingertips
and **** me inside.
I think she knew that I would die.

I will teach myself
to forget my name
and the names of many others
so that when Sunday comes
I'll be able to lay in peace
and remember who I am
without the world's influence
at play.
I lose myself
throughout each week
as each new person that I meet
pulls me apart
and places their judgments;
they only see light
but I remember the dark,
I like to let it come out and play,
the dark that made me most of
what I am today.
Everyone else is so afraid
to stick their fingers
in the holes inside my soul
that ooze the light.
Why is everyone so afraid
of the dark?

At the end of the day,
only you can make you happy.

My mind has been caged for so long,
my soul longing to escape it's grip,
my ribs are breaking open,
my heart will never quit.

My lungs have found the air again,
my bones no longer stiff,
my muscles have begun to stretch,
my fingers are fully equipped.

My words begin to flow again,
like rain clouds breaking the drought,
i'll dance in the thunderstorm of emotion,
as my thoughts come pouring out.

No running water,
just the sweat on children's backs,
they cling to her leg,
disease clouding the air,
they breathe in the heat,
and they sleep in fear.

Five hours they travel,
empty hospital beds await,
she fights for his life,
a seven year old boy,
he still laughs at her stories,
he begins to call her 'momma',
he knows she'll visit again in the morning.

You're out of reach,
how can I find you again?

I drowned my pages in letters and words,
under trees found behind museums hidden in parks,
near rocks, under stars that were hidden by daylight,
in a touch shared by lovers holding hands in sight,
through flower gardens and wings of birds taking flight.

I drowned my pages in letters and words,
in sleepless nights and twisted lullabies,
on strangers faces as they stroll down the street,
crunched up and thrown out on old receipts,
under the blazing sun in the summer heat.

And so New York made me a coffee drinker,
so that I wouldn't miss a step,
looking for letters and words to drown my pages in,
losing sleep from thoughts that need to be written,
over people who have hurt me and need to be forgotten,
and others who are loving and always have been genuine.

I left New York to travel the world,
gain a better sense of myself,
change those around me.

I left New York to make a difference,
help the sad and lonely,
spread love, show forgiveness.

I left New York selfishly,
to follow my dreams,
make them reality.

I left New York,
my coffee now cold,
next to my heart,
I miss my home.

He kissed the ocean's surface,
sent his love right out to sea,
because his lover left him
in the heart of Italy.

He's staring at me with his little black eyes,
trying to see all that he can see.
Why can't we live in the same place,
you've given me love,
you've given me shelter,
you've fed me well,
why can't we be together?
Why am I blue when you are white,
you look like my mother her eyes were cold as ice.
Her eyes were cold as ice, but inside she had melted,
her warmth left me filled with hope when we were forcibly parted.
It is dark in this room but we sit and we stare we see each other,
looks don't matter,
so why can't we be together?

I reply to those eyes, "you and me, Little Blue, you and me forever."

My clothing brushes softly against my skin
as the pole grows warm under my tight grip
I look to you to see if you approve
your eyes show you do my shirt starts to move,
down it goes falling off one shoulder then the next
my lace exposed your lips twitch with fear
but my face becomes soft and your excitement comes to play
in my six inch heels and my fishnets, I am the display.

Your nails carving out my inner thighs
as your fingers move their way upward
goosebumps rising on every limb
your mouth moves down away from my lips
I feel your warmth don't let it stop
I pull your hair
guiding you where I want you most
you take the hint your skin I feel it
I'm full of light in the dark room wrapped up
in these white sheets with you.

I was so warm when I was with you,
you surrounded me with light,
you helped me find happiness in the rotting cracks,
I found love between the pages of books with you,
it's all burned away now.

I should write about it,
I should write about you,
the way you left me,
your best friend,
without any reason,
with accusations thrown like knives
to protect yourself from the cuts
slashed into my back instead
the scars that spell out your name
veins left severed to bleed
stain my white sheets red now when I try to rest.

I asked myself if I did that,
as if I had been sitting here before.
"Was that me? Why don't I remember doing this?"
and I think who it was who sat here before me,
where are they now, how was their life affected by
drawing two lines on a desk,
what knowledge were they
distracting themselves from learning?
How did my life change by fixing the line
so that it was straight?
Why is any of this significant?

Collar Bones
Hip Bones
Shoulder Blades
Spine.

Keeping a safe distance,
although I don't know why,
when all I want is to stop her fingers
from writing notes
with fingers that are mine.

I found a lucky penny,
I put it in my shoe,
now every step I take
will lead me right to you.