When running to you,
everything is electric,
The sounds,
your touch,
the breeze.
As I run to you,
Without hesitation,
A sense of longing,
Safety,
Security.
While I run to you,
I remember how glad I was,
Happiness,
Loved.
Embraced by your arms of love,
And i remember once again,
How much I love running into you.

A regañadientes terco,

Vienes como un huracán,

Una pequeña apertura de pureza y serenidad.

Nunca seremos compatibles,

Ya no seré tu amigo,

Así que me siento en tus sombras viéndote crecer.

Un día verás lo que yo veo,

Cree lo que sé,

Todos lo vemos.

Lo percibirás como lo harás,

No hay angustia hacia ti,

Nunca lo será.

I write about you,
Writing as if you’ll read them.
Yet we both know I shouldn’t,
After all, it’s my fault you’re dead.

One football field. One game. One team.
One girl.
Keep away for a football, yet little did I know that it was for my heart.
Kid love, just thoughts of love. Kicking shins and tackles in grass.
Climbing trees, fences, and private properties.
Soccer games were a must, even the one she scored on his team. He says it doesn’t count. 13 years old and one guy makes me rethink life.

What she thought she knew.
What she thought love was.
What she thought one boy could do was nothing compared to the others.
Something was different with this boy.
She followed him everywhere he went.
She let him influence her thoughts, her emotions and her heart.
She wondered why butterflies erupted in her stomach when she looked at him.

Brown orbs and black rimmed frames looked back hers.
His eyes told her stories, wondrous adventures, and scandalous ideas.
He warned her, she chose not to listen.
He told her her the dangers, it didn’t matter I’d follow him anywhere
This was it.

Flash forward leaving child play behind us.
Yet we are still climbing trees, fences and private properties.
Snarky comments, egos high and hormones on edge.
New challenges to face for teenagers, new assignments, and new personalities.
My focus was still him, made sure he stayed happy with his girls and vice versa.
Wearing your jersey on those Friday nights. Only i wore his number. Number 66/67.
Him in the stands sitting in the perfect position to watch me dance. She showed him the whole routine for this reason.
This was it.

April 26, 2016
This time blankets are laid on floors and the sky was a vast space of glitter.
A special occasion before prom. Their last prom.
Hands were held, lips were touched and her body was taken to another universe.
Nobody around to see what they truly were, themselves.
They watched the stars, he brought my favorite chips, a gallon water jug and candles.
The candles couldn’t light because of the breeze we had.
This one person took a hold of my heart without me knowing.
Broke my walls without trying.
This was it.

Moves were made, distance struck, and the two were in different cities.
Late night phone calls were the priority and visits were placed.
The first person to welcome her home to the last person to say goodbye.
Always like that.
Except.
She’s invited to family excursions, and their talks were getting longer than they were. Serious conversation was conversed.
He moved her back October 8, 2017.
This was it. Right?

Wrong.  
I hurt him too.
Because that’s who I grew to be. Heartless yet kind. A monster yet an angel.
We stopped talking for months,
Until two weeks after his birthday.
He calls me, I answer.
I always answered.
He told her he Loved her.
She cried harder.
He calms her down, singing his heart out to make her feel better.
Making your side comments that I loved.
Little did she know it was their last conversation.

April 8, 2018
Here lies the body of a sweet man. A man who had stuck by my side even when told not too. A man who held my heart from the beginning.
A man I was suppose to marry.
A man who placed wonderful and hurtful memories across my mind.
A man that was everything to me, is gone.

I place a red rose on his casket, a kiss for the afterlife, and a complete wreck of silent cries.
It wasn’t it and now she’d never know what could’ve been. She’d be stuck and lost. Forever in their memory, an everlasting love taken too soon.
This was it.
The end.

It was waking up to you and feeling peace,
That’s when I knew you were mine.
It was taking me home to make me dinner,
That’s when I knew you were mine.
It’s caring for you and your care to me,
That’s when I knew you were mine.
It was telling me you love me after hearing my life,
That’s when I knew you were mine.

The melody plays.
Transporting my mind to memories and vast emotions.
Singing the words I know all too well.

Lost in a trance,
My hips start to sway.
Every lyric touching my core,
Pushing out every emotion held in.

Feeling the love of country,
The hate from metal and rock,
Sadness of depressive alternative,
And,
Happiness of every favorite song played.

Bars and choruses played in perfect harmony,
Bass and snare in sync.
Theses are all happening at once.
A mini party of your own accord.

She doesn’t confess her feelings,
Her thoughts,
Or likes to even converse.

It’s not like she doesn’t try,
She can write it, speak it, and some times scream it.
But still she is dismissed.

Never actually heard.
Never truly seen.
Never to speak again.

So she’ll sit there,
Fake a smile and make agreement noise here and there.
But no one will hear her voice, because now she’s silent.

•
Cheesy, horrid jokes.
Laughing at you and with you.
Brown orbs looking at me with admiration.
My save and grace.
The one to make me erupt in butterflies,
And to lose my cool all in a go.
One who stumbled upon a girl,
A girl who thought wasn’t good enough.
To being my friend, to partner and coworker,
To being the man who was waiting for me.
All along it was you who I stood on standby for,
Completely captivated by a single glance.
Humorously thought as I stare into your eyes,
We were and are love at first sight.
•

The last three Valentine’s Day, I’ve been haunted by a beautiful figure.
An angel to the world we live in and the one we don’t.
The kindest soul to ever truly deserve a Valentine’s.

My baby girl.
My Lydia.
Breathtaking smile, long beautiful black hair, the curious thoughts she had.
My Lydia.

To pure to be taken, but was.
A whole 5’0 tall woman so enthused by the world.
A soul we miss dearly.

Every year we celebrate your life that you had with us.
Mine will always be our junior prom.
Truth is, I saw you every day neighbor.
I wish I could’ve saw you one last time..

Happiness.
Serenity.
Peace.
All those qualities I deserve from someone other than myself.

Good memories.
Laughing all day and night.
Never time to think negative.
Every one of these actions I deserve from someone other than myself.

No longer will I feel worthless.
Despite where I’m at.
Hopefully this is my knight.
Fingers crossed this is right.

Boundaries are set.
Talks are shorter.
And I give certain people my attention.

The focus on me is surreal.
The want to be better.
Goals are finalized,
My spirit rises.

I won’t be stuck.
I watered the grass I walk on,
It’s only a matter of time till it turns green.

She lays in bed.
A flow of tears cascade down her face.
Screaming into the pillow,
She wishes to say those three words.
Words that hold so much to them,
Mean so much.
A deep inhale and a wipe of her eyes,
Into the darkness she sees a figure,
The one she wishes to see.
She whispers,
I love you.

It’s those days when you wake without notice,
Sweat dripping down the side of your face.
Sitting up and looking around,
You’re heart is racing and pounding against the rib cage.
A hand on your shoulder,
A soft whisper from behind.
But your back is against the wall.

Happy Thanksgiving.
The day of giving thanks for all we have.
And I give thanks that I’m strong enough to do what I need too.

You won’t bring me down with your atrocious comments.
I won’t allow you to ruin me more than I already have.
I waved the white flag.
I surrendered.
It’s not enough.
I have to be punished for the choice I made for myself.
Tell me how can you play the game if only one is playing?

No more.
I’m taking a stand and I stand for myself.
We are going our ways and I’m fine with that.
I accept my choice, but there’s no need for me to hurt anymore.

Lied to your face again.
And I will allow you to think of “how easy it is for me”
Because I deserve it.
I deserve the anger you have towards me.  
Or not.
I prefer not.
I can’t say that I love you because..
I slept with someone else.
I retaliated in a way that disgust me,
But that’s as it should be.

To stay stuck and horrid.

Every ounce of hope and regret is being pushed out of my mind.
We could never be.
Not with that hanging over my head.

You forgave me though.

I still can’t do it.
How could I?
With what I have done, I can’t excuse it.
I need to be here where I’m at.

I’m sorry I couldn’t be strong.
I know you wished for me to be the me you wanted.
I’m sorry I allowed myself to be engulfed by you again.

Your mere presence calms my soul.
I’m at peace,
But it’s wrong. I can’t accept it.
Too much has been done.

You called your parents, told them to get you.
I asked you to pack your stuff, my dad was coming to renew the room.
We argued over your assumptions,
By then i didn’t have it in me to care anymore.

I let you continue your behavior of throwing things like a child.
Temper tantrum’s and screams.
Didn’t know I was with a child.

So many false promises and failing to realize the situation at hand.
Now here I stay trying to clear my name of the lies you told to “save” yourself.

I never wanted to hate you,
But never did I expect you to **** my life the way you did.
I wish you’d stop lying.
Harassing me in the false pretenses you have.

Maybe one day you’ll grow up.
One day I hope you don’t scare them like you did me.
Maybe you’ll truly love them the way I loved you.

I will see you in court the next time we meet.
And I will be anything but sweet.

I had miscalculated.
I was baited.
And my heart, annihilated.

Delyla and Gabe,
Sitting in a tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G,
First comes love,
Then comes our dreams,
You went away and I was left to stay.

If ever I was in trouble,
I could call you.
I was that day years ago,
In trouble waiting for you to rescue.

You never drove so fast in your life.
Even missed a couple classes with me.
We were mortified and I was devastated.

You held me while I cried.
You cleaned up the mess on the bathroom floor.
You put me to bed, literally.
You climb in my bed and held me more.

We never told a soul what happened that day.
Not even your cousin, my best friend.
We got caught by my dad,
Told him a complete lie.

We got lucky no one knew,
Yet I feel as it’s coming to haunt me.
My dreams are getting crazier and I’m hoping.
Hoping that who I’m seeing isn’t who I think it is.

It’s that time of a breakup.
Where you start to feel regret,
You get sick, you can’t sleep and no amount of ***** and drugs can get you out of being stuck.

Stuck, lost, and afraid.
What if’s and what won’ts.
To take another leap or move on. Even after all that’s happened.
How is one suppose to forget that.
There are so many thoughts going through my mind tonight/morning, it’s currently 4:35am.
If we could turn back time, I’d put my foot down harder.
If we could turn back time, I’d never would’ve broke again.
If we could turn back time, I’d never have swiped right.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever loved me.
Knowing that you can push my buttons with every lie you make, telling me things of my life that never even came to pass.
It’s okay though because I see it now.

Hate, anger, and depression all seeping back in one step at a time and truth is. It’s getting me through this stage of want and need for you.
To think I gave you so many chances, to fix yourself, to be truly consistent with your changes, and trying to listen to your thoughts even though it would lead to arguments.

I will never get the chance to tell you how wrong you were for me.

I will never get the chance to tell you how happy you did make me when we weren’t being dumb.

I will never get the chance to say that I love you with everything I still have. The worst part about all this..
I could never go back to you.


You made me hurt and you keep making me hurt.
You tell me you don’t want me to hate you yet you say the most rambunctious things about my one person.
Lots of talk about change yet, this would be out biggest obstacle and you couldn’t handle it.

I just hope the next girl who is in favor doesn’t feel what I feel. Doesn’t wake up in the middle of the night because of a nightmare. Doesn’t make you think badly about yourself.
One who makes you feel so ******* important, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be her.

Our love isn’t perfect,
But it’s ours.
Our love is perfect,
In our own way.
You give me the world and I in turn,
Give you adventure and wonder.
Knowledge and wisdom is traded,
Laughs and conversation are gifted.
We continue to learn each day,
And yet we still no nothing of each other.
It’s glorious and magical,
I couldn’t think of a better way than this.
To be held by you each night,
To be taken a million to infinity of kisses,
To be loved by you.
Everyday,
Every hour,
It’s always you.

Lessons were learned,
Tears were shed.
People come and go,
And we still move forward.
We know what has happened,
Now it’s time to let go.

Log on,
Be the character,
Enjoy another world unlike this one.

•
I used to think I was untouchable,
I used to think I had God on my side.
I used to think I was a protector,
Turns out I’m a problem.
•

We wandered around,
Zia at our heals trying to keep up.
That’s when we saw it.
Floating effortlessly in the air,
A mass of beautiful colors.
Only three.

We walked towards the swarm of reds, yellows, and orange colors and they moved,
Flying around us to create our own bubble.
So unbelievable,
I couldn’t believe it had I not seen it.
Zia snapping at air to collect them in her mouth.

You pulled me into a side hug and held me there,
Taking in the beauty I saw as well.
“This is awesome. Now I get why you always come out here. Always something new to find.”
Those words full of sincerity,
And I look at you in awe.
“Who knew Scrub, ladybugs.”

We never found this place,
But it is my favorite place to meet you in.
Only in my dreams,
Where our laughter will echo in forever.

People pleaser,
A condensed teaser.
Lost in leisure.
Because I’m the pleaser.

My emotions. To you are simple,
Don’t get to attached.
Keep it short.
Always look away.
Yet I’m still writing to you,
So amazed at your thought process.
You guys are alive,
You are alive

It is for the best,
I’m not good.
I can’t trust, listen or love.

No matter what I must do this,
Because people don’t change.
Me included.

•
I’m crying,
Yet I cry for joy,
For happiness.
I am home,
Safe and sound,
Surrounded by love.
I am home.
•

•
He makes me quit drinking when I have my episodes,
He hides the knives I use on myself.
The words against him are vile,
Yet he returns it with a sweet smile,
And a soft I love you.
Continuously murmuring reassuring thoughts,
Even outside of a bathroom door he sits and waits.
He knows it’s just me,
My anger,
My Ptsd,
The once and final time using.
Letting him come through the door,
He kneels and holds the broken.
Caressing her frazzled short hair,
Wiping the tear stained cheeks.
A smile forms on his lips,
A gentle kiss to my nose,
“Welcome back my love, how do you feel?”
•

When running to you,
everything is electric,
The sounds,
your touch,
the breeze.
As I run to you,
Without hesitation,
A sense of longing,
Safety,
Security.
While I run to you,
I remember how glad I was,
Happiness,
Loved.
Embraced by your arms of love,
And i remember once again,
How much I love running into you.

You were the first person I thought of,
Your name in a new created message,
Of course I cancelled it anyways.
Gold was the goal,
I did it and you weren’t there…

The grass smells sweet.
The breeze blows a warm wind,
Leaves floating from the trees and ground.
A beautiful day indeed.

Lightly moving a hand side to side,
The softness of the grass giving a sensation Indescribable.
A conversation so just and pure as a newborn.

Feeling safe and unworried.
Moments of happiness in a depressed mind.
The one thing known for sure.

A glance down.
“Gabe”
Dog print
LCHS
GABRIEL ISAIAH DION MARTINEZ
In the arms of his family Mar. 18, 1998
In the arms of Jesus Apr. 08, 2018
Grey and black granite block with a black and bronze plate on top.

Her safe place.

Carelessly gaming,
Laughs and jokes.
You were uncomfortable and I knew why,
Yet throughout the three days,
You grew worse.
Rather than continue a fight,
I shall succumb and give what’s needed,
So forgive me.
I cannot have this,
Nor can you,
It was designed as such.

You ask me my feelings,
You fix your mistakes.
I am truly your Queen,
As you are my King.

•
I’ve blocked them out,
My counselor tells me it’s okay,
Let it out.
Yet I stay silent,
I shall let you fester whatever you make me out.
We pretended,
We lied,
We did this.
But it’s only me at fault,
And I’m the one on the couch,
Talking to a shrink.
•

I wake from my nightmares.
Nightly sweats and ragged breath.
Terror trembles throughout my body.
Scenes echo in my mind.

Then a soft touch to my back.
I turn to look at a smile.
Simple, bright, and honest to the core.
Hazel-green eyes stare through in worry.

I give a sly grin.
Turning my head, I cried.
Gut-wrenching sobs escape my lips.
Desperate to contain what’s inside.

There it was again though.
Her hand on my shoulder.
Her lips make out words.
Encouragement and sweet nothings, perhaps?

I hadn’t woke up.
It was a dream too.

Blissful songs,
Sang quietly in my ear as I fall asleep.
Your hand rubbing my arm up and down,
The other rubbing my back.
Truly spoiled in your love,
For your love needs not one comparison.
It’s true,
It’s wild,
And it’s all mine.
No one else to call you theirs,
You are just mine.
All mine my love.

Tossing and turning in bed.
Stuck in my thoughts,
But when aren’t I.

These thoughts cloud my mind and I can only think of one to bring me peace.
But alas I left and now I lay still alone.
Looking at these blank walls I now call home.

Closing my eyes I hear the silence.
Others screaming down the halls.
A bed to hard for my back,
Waking up is a pain.

I’ve done everything to sleep,
Tried all the tips and tricks.
Still to no avail I continue to toss and turn.

I lay awake next to you,
Watching you inhale and exhale your breath.
A simplistic rhythm one has in sleep,
Your face is so relaxed,
So innocent,
So kind.
And as I lay awake next to you,
I count down the seconds my eyes open up to you.

It was literally a stare down,
You sat at the table in the bar.
I felt your eyes on me since you looked my way
And I into yours.
You brought me home,
A place I thought to be long lost.
This is completely too good to be true,
You stole my heart in less than a month.
This time this is right.

You’re going to linger in the back of my mind.
How could you not?
I loved you.

Now that we are going our separate ways
I can’t help but be happy and proud of you.
You’re going places and I’m working on my ****.

You have the love of your life and I have mine,
In my memories and heart.
Yours so close and near to hold.
Truly glad we are getting it where it needs.

No more calls and texts from you,
I hope.
No more nicknames,
Even though they were cute.
No more saying I love you,
Because we don’t need too.
Not anymore

Toxic.
Unreliable.
Untrustworthy.
Liar.

Yet I love you still,
You held me up while I drowned myself.
I crave your touch,
Wanting an ounce of affection.

I believed you were the second chance.
Turns out i ended up another romance.
Added to YOUR list.

We rebuild when defeated,
It is our destiny to never quit.
To thrive on what is done,
And what is not done.
To grow and conquer,
What our forefathers couldn’t.
So we rebuild,
If we didn’t we’d be nothing.

Do you understand how hard it is for someone?
The ability they have to conquer any situation.
To face not only the outside world, but themselves.

The toxicity of their bad habits clinging onto them for dear life.
Pulling and scratching to control,
Fight back with everything they have.

But it’s those days where they are able to win the fight.
The feeling of accomplishment.
Rejoicing in the ambience.

Thankful and grateful.
Now they keep going.
Forward.

How far is your will to go?
To forget.
Any chance you find to use.

How strong is that will?
To do the unthinkable.
You take the danger, no consequences.

How long will you hold out till your mind turns on you?

I held on for so long,
Letting myself be bruised and cut.
Broken and left to myself, which was the best decision you made for me.
Which choosing what I do is what you did best.

I cannot tell you that I never loved you or prove my lie when I say I don’t care.
Truth be told, you were everything and so much more than I can express.

You were the second person I fell in love with. My whole soul felt at peace once again, attempting to regain what I could get back.
The love I gave was unexpected to say the least.

Since leaving though.
I can’t help but feel the weight off my chest.
Knowing I did my best to tell you what I needed.
And you wanted to keep hurting me..

Regardless of it being intentional or not,
You couldn’t catch yourself while saying it.
And I had to let you go.

A sense of hope beginning to rise,
Just as quickly as the doubts that run through her mind.
Lost and frail,
Looking for a sense of peace that was once kept.
You are the King.
And as such,
A King always needs his jester.
A fool.
So she played the fool.

It’s a place.
A whole different dimension to be anyone you want to be.
So many preferences.

Mine happens to be shooting people.
A special Battle Royal game of sorts.
With its unique techniques and weaponry.

A world of broken buildings,
Vast spaces to train stations,
And of course ring to drain your health.

The feeling of the controller vibrating in my hands as I shoot someone down.
Watching the bullets I shoot wiz towards my target.
Blood splatters as my bullet shoots their chest,
Arms,
Legs,
Head.

The true rush is being able to feel the anxiety.
The sweats of knowing someone’s coming after me as well.
Both on the hunt.

By all means I’m not the greatest but,
I have my days were I feel like I am.
I get my championships one way or another