Understand
I could plainly tell you what I’m saying.
I’m screaming in my head for you to know what I’m saying, yet it’s never enough.
My words could be a simple as learning how to write. Voicing your thoughts onto paper and making them into words.
I could be in my bed crying myself to sleep and only to wake up with our call dropped.
I’m still hurting and I’m tired, you don’t make it easier for me; even though you couldn’t since you are you.
It’s all a ******* lie, no matter how hard I am trying, no matter what I do. It wouldn’t be enough. Ever.

All it took was one break.
One text.
One meet up.
It was the perfect opportunity, to get back at someone you love.
A revenge of sorts.
It would work itself out.
Everything thing did.

Flirtatious looks thrown back at one another.
A small yet effective kiss on the cheek,
Then on her neck,
Making her singing into the night.
It didn’t stop there.  
Their lips locked.
His hands found their was down her body,
Squeezing places on her that was founded by someone else.
Her hand found her prize, so she thought.

He used her to his content.
They both knew what this was,
Nothing romantic about a hotel room.
Just *** and revenge.
Little did she know she had you in the back of her mind.

Every ****** made she said your name in her mind.
When he’d speak all she heard was your voice.
As he continued to touch her all she wanted was you.
Subconsciously she didn’t know she was pushing him away when he found her inside.
But why?

The answer is simple.
She wasn’t using it to get back you.
Didn’t need to have revenge.
All she wanted was to break herself.
To **** herself inside knowing this would be it.
Thanks to this mistake,
She did.

Oh you’re back.
How was the trip?
Wait you need to do what?
You can’t right now though..
Really?.. that bad.
Well then.. okay. Guess it’s your turn.

Hi nice to meet you, we’ll get to names later.
She almost did it.
God you should’ve seen it.
But that’s done and over with.
No more you after all.
I’ve held her ground. I picked up the pieces. I saw her sink.
But I’ve seen her pick herself up. I watched her clean her mess. I saw her rise.
She thinks she needs someone and she truly doesn’t.
That’s why she has me.
Oh and I’m not good with names.. see ya.

Some days,
I hate you more than words can encrypt.
Some days,
I miss your arms wrapped around me.
Some days,
I cry to my heart’s content blurred by love and hate.

Even through these days,
I must remind myself you are no longer the person I’ve come to know.
A whole 360 of your life was flipped.

Knowing the person you are,
Hurts a lot.
You were suppose to be it.
The one to change my name.
All out the window.

If I’d know the whole truth,
I still feel like it could’ve been different.
Sadly though we don’t get those chances to see.
Not when enough is enough.
Losing the faith that you’d be different.
Gone.

The way you held yourself,
Your smile and warmth.
Too see you prosper,
Grow and conquer.
You are my everything,
Even after everything.
I can’t be a Queen,
Without my King by my side.
I love you,
Forever yours.

I will wipe my own tears,
Take in my own breath,
For I know it’ll be years.

It was the moment you took my hand,
Sang me lullabies to sleep.
Combing your fingers through my hair,
Drifting into an endless dream.
When you slept and I watched you,
I couldn’t help but think this is true.

It was the first time you and I saw each other,
I knew I’d never let a soul touch you.
Glaring at those who tried,
Meeting those who had thought twice.

Of the many nights to have your hand in mine,
I wonder if you know you are mine.
I am yours though,
Bound to you by eternity.

That is where I shall find you again.

I’m going to end up killing myself today.
Just for the soul factor of myself being tired.
Exhausted,
Low of any motivation.
I’m tired.
Tired of being strong,
Tired of acting,
Tired of being tired.
No matter what I do,
I am still tired.

I’m broken
I’m in the wrong
Yet I’m the best thing
Till I’m not
Till you leave me alone,
By myself in a dark ball.
Screaming and kkicking for you to save me.
You don’t have to save me now.
You got what you wanted and I.
I’ll be another trainer for the perfect man.

Waking up I feel secure,
An arm over my waist.
A warm breath covers my neck.
I move and I’m held closer.
Protected.
Wiggling to turn towards you,
I see peace and tranquillity.
No worry line in sight.
I kiss your nose,
Your cheek,
And then your lips.
You move to my lips,
A soft exhale escapes your lips.
“Good Morning My Love.”

I’ve tried being the good and bad guy,
My open heart ready to face anything my way.
My safety net is out so it’s okay to fall.
That is till you cut my nets,
Ripping my beautiful heart into nothing.
Left with nothing but hurt and betrayal.

Stuck in love,
Lost in hopelessness.
Yet here you are,
Showing something stronger than I.

You say true love never stops;
A continuous cycle of positive and negative outcomes.
Frightened of the events that had occurred,
Yet here you are.

I haven’t a clue how to continue,
A calm conversation that’s never happened.
Even though my anxiety is shooting through the roof,
I give this conversation to you.

Even though I’m *******,
I’d still do anything for you..

I’d rather be us,
Than what I’ve already been.

My heart is tight.
Chest tight
And I sit alone on these steps.
You’re leaving me alone again.

Is this payback?
My punishment?
I don’t know what to think anymore,
All I know is that I’m still getting hurt.

I’m use to it though.
So it’s okay.

That feeling of sunken darkness,
Seeping through the light you held so long too,
Not even trying to defer it.
The demons held back have been greeted,
Now I a bottomless shell enlisted in their possession.
Confined and broken you still try,
Walking as though your not in molten lava,
Breathing enough for a satisfied cough to end the misery.
Crying as if you were the Nile,
Screaming like you’re being murdered,
And silence.

I just think,
What if I’m not as strong as everyone thinks?
What if I’m never ready?
I just think,
What if I was never suppose to be anything but a lesson.

A clouded mind,
Relentless thoughts and terrors.
Divided by what should be and what could be.
It was then I realized.


Im still lost.

The screaming and yelling is all I see when I close my eyes.
The whines from Rylie as you strangled her.
Your assumptions no matter how many tears ran down my face trying to tell you “You’re wrong.”
Frustration.
There goes the Red Bull can to the wall.
Blankets are thrown off me.
Phone hits the wall twice and shatters.

We’re back at your parents.
Same thing.
You’re punching the walls as you throw things.

And I write.
To the ones who feel

One year, it was rectangular boxes with our names.
$2 cards for a pack of hologram puppies or superhero’s.
Writing out each name that was your favorite.

Another year, we are grown buying little shot bottles.
Gigantic stuffed bears and favorite candy to add.
A hope for a kiss for the hard work at the end of the day surprising them.

Yet every year it’s the same.
And I’ve been okay with that,
Coming to terms that I will never have the true Valentine I so desperately deserve...

It’s days like this;
Where I need your comfort.
When I am defeated,
And I can’t keep standing.

I beg for you;
To save me from my turmoil.
You kept away the thoughts,
Held me to the skies.

I scream throughout my body;
Wishing for you to take me.
In the end,
Im still on a list.

Forever waiting.

I wasted your time.
I knew this was a bad idea.
Thinking anything would be different.  

I’m still trash and honestly,
Im so sorry for wasting your efforts.
You shouldn’t have to work this hard.

It’s suppose to be easy if two people love each other.
So why do I make it so hard..

I can’t believe myself.
Stooping so low for what?
For it to all be a joke,
A waste of time.

It hurts if I’m telling the truth,
As break ups do.
The official over and done with.
To read your messages one last time.

And turns out you just wasted my year,
Got me close,
And made me fall for you.

I chose you,
After everything I’ve gone through,
I still chose you.
And I wasn’t enough.

I can’t say it was a waste with full intentions ,
But I know one thing is for sure, I wish it never happened.

It grows.
We pick it.
Breaking it up.
Roll it, or pack it.
Smoke it.

The euphoria of this plant.
Calming the anxiety inside.
Clearing the thoughts to be thought of
Individually.

Light it up.
Inhale.
Exhale.

Everything makes sense again.
If it numbs me then by all means continue,
If not then help me grow like you do.
After all that’s just what plants do

I’m finally out.
From your lies you told the cops to have you run free.
I gave you compromise.
I gave you a home, not much but it was a roof.
I tried to give us a life.

I told the cops as little as possible hoping you’d do the same. In the end.
I was still the joke.
Apparently I stabbed you, broke your phone. The worst part.
I remember every detail because I couldn’t be drunk around you.

You hurt me in the worst possible manner.
You gave me a felony to fight.
Lord know I will fight.

You know what’s worse than someone walking away leaving?
Staring right at them and watching them leave emotionally and mentally.

When I promised you always,
I meant it.
When telling you that I’d always be here,
I meant it.
Our friendship was amazing and solid,
We meant it.
I couldn’t keep you in my life,
They meant it.
I was going to lose you because I can’t  choose,
I chose anyways.
I wanted my people in my life,
Little did I know you were my people too.
When I promised to always love you,
Friends or not,
I meant it

She cannot say she misses you.
She cannot say she loves you.
She cannot say how proud she is of you.
She cannot say all these things about you when it was...
Always tormented by the wrongs and always expecting them to be the same.
Her mental is guarded, her vision clouded, and her voice...
When she hears your voice her heart aches.
Reading your messages and seeing you cross every line precious...
Feeling beaten and bruised by the thoughts of their memory.
She grabs her head and screams remembering her smile; a smile only you could conjure up.
Yet even then tears still streak her face.
You caused her unbelievable pain, yet you did nothing but wallow in yours and accused her of starting.. things..
Things being thrown in a room and a door breaking down on her; glass littered the floor leaving twinkles in its wake.
She is back in reality, and her cheeks continued to be covered in tears

I knew all along.
I should’ve listened.
I knew you didn’t want me,
Just this idea of her that you see in me.

It’s always been her.
I knew it was, and I tried to push it before starting this.
But you had convinced me it wasn’t.

It was just a cover up for you.
You thought I didn’t know.
The way you write about her,
Talk about her.

Those seven letter and one word.
That’s who it was meant to be.
After all I shouldn’t be hurt;
I knew it all along.

You could’ve kept me in your life,
You could’ve left it all as is.
Greedy and angry,
You run in my life only to destroy it.
Nevertheless you couldn’t be content,
Seeking and searching for something long gone.
I pity you no more,
I’ve seen enough.
So I shall continue to live as you sit in the dark,
I will thrive as you wish for more.
Moving on and wanting friendship is all I asked,
A wish even the Gods can’t grant.