i'm stuck in this ******* clear box with nothing but my conscious mind and my lifeless body and all i can do is watch everyone around me move on with their lives. this anxiety has left me stagnant  for the past two years and i'm not strong enough to physically push it out of the way. they all say to follow my dreams, do what i want. but they're only contradicting themselves by not allowing me to venture out. how the **** am i supposed to get out of this box when it's locked from the outside and i'm the only one who has the key?

i sit here and i lie to your face as if it doesn't hurt you even more than the truth would. why can't i look into your eyes without seeing his words carved into your irises? seeing you cry makes me sick but seeing you smile makes me want to ***** because i'm the only one that seems to know that curve on your face is temporary. they should put me in some sort of solitary confinement for the crime i've committed but it seems the only one who can mend your heart is the one who broke it in the first place. i should have known you were made of glass.

This thing has been eating at me for years now.
How ironic.
It welcomes itself into my skin and feeds off bones and thoughts that aren't even my own anymore. But don't make it angry because it'll bury itself so deep in my stomach that it'll start to sound like my own voice screaming at me through my bloodshot eyes. I've tried again and again to **** it in its sleep, but it only gets stronger the harder I try, and after all my attempts to ****** this ******* monster, I realize I've been looking in the mirror the whole time.

I ask myself again and again what it means to be infatuated with the little parts that make up the creation of you. To call it love almost seems too cavalier, too simple. Maybe what we (could've) had was something much different from love. Maybe it was chaos and fear and guilt all mashed together creating our own perception of romance or innocence. All I know is that whatever it was, if I were forced to go through it again with anyone in the universe, I would choose you. I would do it again and again and alter every ending until we ended up together, you and I, just like we dreamed about when we were 16 years old without a sense of direction.

I'd go back in a heartbeat.

maybe if we would’ve gotten those tattoos like we planned then i’d have any reason to stay with you but i’m the only one who could ever give you that amount of commitment and ok maybe we talked on the phone for two whole hours and maybe i still haven’t gone to sleep because you’ve glued my eyes on you and maybe i’d give anything just to go back to that summer but i love him
i love him
i love him
i love him
i love you
his name should be the one coming up on my screen at 3:18am

Six trains have gone by since you fell asleep. I hope you heard them in your dreams. I wish I could see your face when you're asleep and your lips are the most innocent. I wish you would have stayed.

I keep waking up at 4am and it's making me realize why you were always such a morning person. I guess my thoughts are deeper when they don't get much sleep.

i kicked you out years ago but i could never force you to leave permanently in fact i'd probably call you and tell you to come home if you hadn't blocked my number because at this point what do i have to lose? you ripped out my insides and took them with you when you left and everyone seems to believe i can buy a new being just like the one you stole from me but the heart that's filled with you is worth more than all the money in the world.

tell me why it's been two years and my heart still hasn't caught up with my head. it beats so fast i'm surprised i'm not dead and i can't decide if it stops or beats faster when  i hear your voice at 4am. the sunrise still looks just like the colors in your left eye and the only difference is that the sun goes away at night but you stay awake in my thoughts. everything reminds me that we could actually be something real and the worst part is that it's up to me but my heart isn't strong enough to take that risk a second time or should i say a fifth or sixth or seventh time. then again maybe you never left in the first place. maybe my heart isn't behind, but my head is just too far forward to be able to see what it's passing up. maybe you've been here the whole time.

Maybe the reason
I haven't been writing
Is because it's always been my way
Of coping with sadness
And recently all I think about
Is the way it feels
For your tongue
To brush against my skin
And finally
I'm not sad

I remember when I was the one
Who would give your eyes life
As if the only reason
They were open in the first place
Was to see my smile
But now after seeing you
For the first time in six months
I realize I am actually the reason
That your current eyes
Hold so much pain

The one thing
that will always remind me of you
is the ocean
and his eyes are so blue
that they look like water
and how sad is it to say
that every time I look into the eyes
of the one I love
a part of me
is still thinking of you.

Jesus Christ, there's another ******* train. It's funny how you don't notice the simplest of everyday things until someone puts them in a syringe and injects them into your veins. Sure your skin replaces itself every 3 to 5 weeks but that doesn't mean a thing when you're carved into my brain. I'm scared I'll start hurting myself again as my own personal punishment. Or maybe it'll be because when I think of you there's no room in my body for any type of substance at all. His name is escaping through the hole in the back of my head and yours is seeping in through the pit in my stomach. I am so filled with you that even my own words are starting to sound like you and if you look closely you will see that they're exiting my mouth so rapidly they're wrapping around themselves and forming your name. The ideas in my head aren't even my own. Maybe if we run fast enough they won't notice.

The only thing
that breaks my heart more
than realizing you don't love me
is the look on your face
when you confess to me
how much you used to.

it's 5:36am
and i woke up from the pounding
in my head
and for some reason
you haven't even gone to sleep at all
and after two whole years
without your touch
can someone please tell me why
the moment i opened my eyes
you were the first person i ran to
to make the pounding stop
and jesus christ,
it stopped
i'm scared

I don't think about you, but you're always here. My head has my heart convinced you're dead. So why is it that you still speak through the songs I listen to when it rains? Jesus Christ, I can't grasp the fact that you're gone. You're gone and all I can do to keep myself sane is pretend I don't care. I know they see the hurt in my eyes and they hear the shaking in my voice when your name manages to escape from my tongue. Everything on this God dammed planet reminds me that you're not coming back. My mind has been lost for thirteen months now and I'm too much of a coward to admit you stole it. The thought of you alone makes my stomach hurt and my heart beat louder than ever. Do you hear that?

you touch my face and it feels like the rain that’s falling outside your window but it’s warm and comforting and i feel at home or is this my home? is a home a structure with a roof or can it be a person? is a home a heart or just a place to sleep? if so then i want to live in you and sleep in your mind so i can see what your dreams consist of and then maybe i can figure out what it is you need me to be and at this point i’ll be anything as long as you hold me but please don’t let go because my head is filled with thoughts so heavy i might sink down to the bottom of the ocean and the only way you could possibly get me back is if you turned yourself inside out and crawled inside because you are the ocean and if i have to drown in you just to be near you then that’s ok with me.

it’s march twenty-third
a year from the day we began
and i’m laying in bed
in the early evening
and i didn’t even text you at midnight last night
to say happy anniversary and that i love you
and i have no idea where you are
or what you’re doing
and a train just went by
but you probably didn’t hear it
and it’s march twenty-third
but we haven’t spoken since september
and i miss you

I had always figured that in a few years, today’s date would be tattooed on the inside of my left wrist. Now the only tattoos I have are the scars you left in the depths of my mind, and the memory of a summer I won’t forget.

It’s been thirteen months and I’ve forgotten your scent. I don’t remember the way it feels for your fingertips to brush against my bare skin. I can’t recall the spark that would reignite every time our lips came in contact. I can’t remember the way your tongue would taste in the early hours of the day. I don’t even remember what your voice sounded like whispering through the phone at 5am. But it’s been thirteen months, and I won’t dare forget the way it felt to watch you walk out of my life just as quickly and unexpectedly as you walked into it.

I miss you. Jesus Christ, I miss you. They say you’re not good for me. But if that’s true, then tell me why every time I’m in the car at night, I stare out the window and think of all the time i could have spent with you, instead of being lost in my memory. I can’t fathom the lack of feeling and the ache i get when I realize you’re no longer in my life. The truth is that if I could go back in time, I would in a heart beat, as long as that heart beat was yours and I could hear it pounding against the bones in your chest one last time. They say I can do better. But I can’t think of anything better than the feeling I got when you told me you loved me for the very first time. All it would take are three little words and I swear I’d be lost in you again. Ease your way back into my mind. You already found your way into my heart, seventeen months and fourteen days ago.

i never thought
i was the type of girl
whose tragedies turned into fears
until i caught a glimpse
of my demons
creeping back up on me;
this time,
they came from the reflection
in your eyes
instead of his suffocating tongue

if there's one thing
about my deranged mind
i'll never understand
it's the fact that you treat me so well
and you tell me everything
any normal girl
would love to hear
but the way you make me feel
will still never compare
to the feeling i got
from just a simple look
from him

in a perfect world
we would relive that night
over and over again.
3am would creep up on us
and i'd tell you i love you
for the first time.
i'd get lost in your far from ordinary eyes
instead of in the depths of my mind.

in a perfect world
i'd go to sleep at night
and have nightmares of losing you
and wake with tears on my cheeks.
now it's the good dreams of you
that leave me with a heavy heart
and a lonely bed.

in a perfect world
i would get into trouble
for staying up until 5am
to whisper to you over the phone.
my mother doesn't have a reason
to get angry anymore,
only to be confused
as to why i'm always alone.
she can't quite understand
that when i pushed you away
an important part of my being
followed you.